tonight is getting very difficult for me

[preciousme]

Hi

I have been out of the relationship since 26th May, quite a few weeks now, following the mother of all rages and him threatening such things like he was going to cut me up if I was with another man (I was at the hairdressers when he called and it started). I refused to go over that night but did see him the next day and he was still angry then he was very upset when he calmed down and I left, so was I, but I still left. Since then we have had telephone contact that has been calm.  The contact has got less and less over time, now about once a week.  He has been full of apologies, stating that he knows that everything is his fault and that he does not deserve me, he is not well, he has treated me badly and will never find anyone else like me etc.  He mostly says that he misses me. Last few times I have spoken to him its been just chat chat about nothing heavy, and of course I always notice how much of it is about him and his problems and who has wound him up.  But then, there are so many topics that I cant talk about with him in case I set him off, so I dont have too much to say to him anyway.  

My point is this,  I have decided to try not to contact him, (he phoned me last time, earlier in the week, so it was left that I said I would call him another day) But I am finding it incredibly hard and feel as if carrying on the contact has been better for me.  My head is all over the place the last few days, much more than it has been and today I have been driving myself mad.  I seem to feel much worse when I am trying not to phone him than when I just phone him, have a little chat then leave it again.  Or I feel better when he has phoned me.   He has asked me more than once if I want to go over for coffee and I still have things there.  I have said its not a good idea right now.  I am getting worried that my head is never going to settle, my thoughts about him and the whole trainwreck of a relationship changes from hour to hour.  I think how terrible it must be to be him and I feel sorry for him and want to look after him,  I think of the frequent terrible verbal abuse and then I never want to let him see my face again,  I think of how scared I have been at times - I think a million different things and my head does not settle.  Sadly I  also keep thinking it must be me after all and that he will be different with someone else,  am I thinking this because my mind needs somewhere to settle and none of the rest of it makes sense, or is it possible he would not be like this with someone else?  Maybe I made him like this.  He was much worse towards the end when I had begun to put boundaries in and leaving when he got too abusive, thats when he started threatening instead of just abuse, because I wouldnt stay and listen to how he feels.  

[Mutt]

I have been out of the relationship since 26th May, quite a few weeks now, following the mother of all rages and him threatening such things like he was going to cut me up if I was with another man

I'm sorry, this had to of been scary with his threats. Do you fear that he is capable of this and carry through with his physical threats?

But then, there are so many topics that I cant talk about with him in case I set him off, so I dont have too much to say to him anyway.

This is hard, you are walking on eggshells.

A lot of members including myself found that the first stretch of no contact is difficult but it gets better, the FOG lifts and this is the time to heal our wounds and take care of ourselves. You have been through a lot preciousme  The first step is always the hardest. Detaching is a process but the end goal is freedom. Getting control over your life again and leaving his FOG behind.

I'm sorry you feel guilt and you think that you may of caused him to be this way.   You still have feelings for him, I still feelings for mine post break up I understand.

Borderline Personality Disorder is not caused by a loved one, it is triggered by intimacy and they don't have the capacity have an adult interpersonal relationship that is healthy. It's a disorder around their core abandonment wound well before we were in the picture. It was there before you met him and it's there after. My ex projected that I was the unhealthy one in the marriage and it's 100% my fault. She is mentally ill. I don't know of all of the details (minimal contact due to kids) I do know the next guy now is going through the same thing as I did. She is not diagnosed and things can't get better unless she is willing to get help.

He is calling you and threatening you with FOG and it looks like all 3 as well. Fear Obligation and Guilt. A physical threat is very very serious, he makes you feel like you don't have a voice and you are walking on eggshells. He is also verbally abusive to you. It's all emotional blackmail or FOG.

Is he willing to help himself and get professional help? Nobody can tell you to choose no contact or not that choice is yours.

[cosmonaut]

Hi preciousme.  I'm sorry you are dealing with such a difficult and painful situation.  Are you committed to leaving the relationship?  If you are determined to be done, then it is probably best to try and maintain no contact or at least minimal contact for a while.  It may be very hard on your ex since this will trigger his abandonment fears.  He will probably act out.  If you fear for your safety you should absolutely make that your number one priority.  Nothing else is as important.  Certainly not his feelings.  Be sure to seek police protection if you need to do so.

It can feel terrible to have to leave someone that you care about.  I understand.  You have to do what you feel is best for yourself, however, and if this relationship is not healthy for you then do not let him intimidate or guilt you into continuing it.  It's natural to feel very sad and to grieve the loss of the relationship.  No matter who ends the relationship it is always hard, especially with a BPD partner where there is such a loaded bond formed.  Please know that what you are feeling is very normal and all of us here have felt it too.  It sucks.

I'm still working through the end of my own relationship, so I understand very much where you are at.  Hang in there.  Some of the members here, like Mutt, have great advice on how to manage and to heal from this relationship.  This site is a great place to vent and grieve, and also to learn.

Hang in there.  This too shall pass.   

[Karmachameleon]

I read something on here yesterday, I think it was, where someone said, "Wouldn't it be easy to quit heroin if we could just do heroin to ease us through the withdrawal?"  That's immediately what I thought of when you said you feel better if you just call him or he calls you.  Of course you feel better.  You're getting a shot of your drug.  That doesn't fix your problem, though.