When she moves on, she does not necessairly move up.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex GF, an alcoholic Borderline, used the last few tirades to remind me that she was "moving on".

She lied to me about being within someone else. It was not until I caught her driving in a car with the guy that I knew she was seeing someone else.

What turned this whole situation into a Penthouse Forum letter was that this guy's daughter was a young lady that I was having a fling with at the same time! Yes, I live in too small a town. So the daughter told me that she was pretty sure that my ex was with her father during the last months of our nightmare relationship.

OK. That hurts. But I found out that every doubt I had about her WAS SPOT ON! She did lie. I did know it. I should never question my instincts... .which are 98% spot on with important things.

Before I removed myself from the whole thing, I found out this guy, aka Professor Superman, is nothing more than your Wal-Mart generic brand alcoholic who has an MO of finding drunk, uneducated, weak women and using them for 6 months to a year.

The evidence I have suggests he feeds her beer, they screw and do very little else. He is a Ph. D and she is not terribly intellectual. This guy's two daughters, and I only dated one, both have told him that they will not accept my ex and will not do things with him when she is around. He is getting drunk and laid from a sick, needy woman. He will hold on to her for a little while longer.

Of course, there could be more to the story. Maybe they are really happy, quit drinking, smile and make kissy faces all day and plan to backpack Europe together.

Not likely.

And even if Professor Superman gives her life-altering orgasms in bed and her smile is like chiseled granite on her face, it still does not matter. She is a violent drunk with a severe case of Borderline. This guy is her new crutch... .and his track record says when filling her up with beer and mounting her is no longer worth her tirades, he will dump her.

She did not move on or move up. She is in the same morass she has been in since long before I came along.

And I am out of it. Yes, I have bad days---I cried uncontrollably this morning. But these are my issues with myself about the end of a relationship with a woman that was nothing more than a life-sucking cancer. I have a ways to go. But I do take satisfaction knowing that her new "savior" is really nothing more than another enabler with a resume of abusing women who feeds her beer that is killing her.

My anger is my torch. And it is lighting the way to freedom.

[Overbeck]

My ex GF, an alcoholic Borderline, used the last few tirades to remind me that she was "moving on".

She lied to me about being within someone else. It was not until I caught her driving in a car with the guy that I knew she was seeing someone else.

What turned this whole situation into a Penthouse Forum letter was that this guy's daughter was a young lady that I was having a fling with at the same time! Yes, I live in too small a town. So the daughter told me that she was pretty sure that my ex was with her father during the last months of our nightmare relationship.

OK. That hurts. But I found out that every doubt I had about her WAS SPOT ON! She did lie. I did know it. I should never question my instincts... .which are 98% spot on with important things.

Before I removed myself from the whole thing, I found out this guy, aka Professor Superman, is nothing more than your Wal-Mart generic brand alcoholic who has an MO of finding drunk, uneducated, weak women and using them for 6 months to a year.

The evidence I have suggests he feeds her beer, they screw and do very little else. He is a Ph. D and she is not terribly intellectual. This guy's two daughters, and I only dated one, both have told him that they will not accept my ex and will not do things with him when she is around. He is getting drunk and laid from a sick, needy woman. He will hold on to her for a little while longer.

Of course, there could be more to the story. Maybe they are really happy, quit drinking, smile and make kissy faces all day and plan to backpack Europe together.

Not likely.

And even if Professor Superman gives her life-altering orgasms in bed and her smile is like chiseled granite on her face, it still does not matter. She is a violent drunk with a severe case of Borderline. This guy is her new crutch... .and his track record says when filling her up with beer and mounting her is no longer worth her tirades, he will dump her.

She did not move on or move up. She is in the same morass she has been in since long before I came along.

And I am out of it. Yes, I have bad days---I cried uncontrollably this morning. But these are my issues with myself about the end of a relationship with a woman that was nothing more than a life-sucking cancer. I have a ways to go. But I do take satisfaction knowing that her new "savior" is really nothing more than another enabler with a resume of abusing women who feeds her beer that is killing her.

My anger is my torch. And it is lighting the way to freedom.

[Arminius]

Hey Chief,

Mine also downsized in the replacement, picking a man just old enough to be her dad, with a roaming lifestyle of immaturity and a poor education.

Our lifestyle was more than comfortable. Nice house, money, fancy cars and vacations, all the toys you could want... .It's not about those things for them. It's about attachment, idealisation control, protecting themselves.

We are mere trinkets, to them. But we must remember we are worth more than one person.

[peiper]

My wife was married to a guy that was 15 years older for 27 years, sounds like he was a wuss. Where as we were only married 6 monrhs. I think the reason it only lasted 6 months is because I didnt play her games  !

[Tausk]

Our exes find someone who they can mirror and idealize.  It makes no sense to compare.  If they trade down, does that mean that we were lacking in comparison to the partners who came before us? 

It's hard not to compare.  Especially because we become convinced by the Disorder that if somehow we were better then things would be ok.  The Disorder tells us that we were lacking.  So we naturally look at comparison, if the others were younger/older, richer/poorer, kinder/more abusive, ... .it goes on forever, and it's a symptom of the my FOO issues that were there before my ex.

Let go of the comparisons.  It's irrelevant to our recovery.

[topknot]

When I saw the women in pictures or on the Internet that he was involved with besides me, I was shocked. I had this feeling that oh, my, she must be smarter,  prettier,  charming,  more educated... .NOT! No on all counts... .they looked like loose, trashy barflies. I think that hurt worse.  You gave me up for THAT? I kept staring and saying why, why... .it was a punch in the gut to my self-worth that physically ached like an ulcer for a long time.

[Emelie Emelie]

Topknot I think the "more" we are the harder for them.  They are happier with someone needier than they are, someone they can control more easily.  I saw my ex flirting with another woman at a bar once during our first break up.  I was like are you serious?  Your description; Barfly.  I've realized that everything about me threatened him; my job, my friends, my house, my income, my car, my independence... .all of it.  He never believed I stay with him. 

[goldylamont]

Topknot I think the "more" we are the harder for them.  They are happier with someone needier than they are, someone they can control more easily.  I saw my ex flirting with another woman at a bar once during our first break up.  I was like are you serious?  Your description; Barfly.  I've realized that everything about me threatened him; my job, my friends, my house, my income, my car, my independence... .all of it.  He never believed I stay with him. 

i identify with this a lot. in my case i thought the guy she started seeing within weeks of ending our r/s was like billy d. williams mixed with brad pitt, the way she portrayed him. i was forced to meet this guy (he helped her move out a few weeks later)--so glad i did. i mean, i was still traumatized from the r/s, but seeing that all she could find after me wasn't someone i considered "on my level" (confidence/independance/looks/financially/talent/etc) did help months later to clear my mind of feeling guilty for inadequacies in the r/s.

i do have to warn though, that i feel like i was just lucky in a sense. and i don't devalue the guy(s) she sees. i was one of them. but i was just fortunate to see the truth of the guy immediately after me. we have to be careful before going too far here, because of course everyone on this board actually *is* the other guy/gal, the replacement, for a while in the pwBPD trail of sorrow :-P but never forget that pwBPD idealize and try and convince you that you are the best thing on earth to strengthen their attachment. i'm sure the guy after me thought of himself as her "soul mate" even though they only lasted 4 months.

if my ex had me going for so long then she can eventually find someone else "on my level" and do the same. they're survivors. just in my case she wasn't so fortunate, and was in too much of a damn hurry to try and embarrass me whilst forming a new bond to care too much about the quality of the man. if you can find real evidence that this other person just wasn't up to par, then cool. but if not it's possible that you/we can also be perceived as not 'on the level' to others.

[Ventus2ct]

Is it not that they downgrade (as we look at it) in order to feel safe, secure? I was aware that my ex likes the seedier side of life, after all that's where she came from (sound bitter don't I). I have no idea who mine is with but am sure she won't be pushing above her weight, mainly due to the fact she can get what she wishes easier from someone who is below her standards, a quick fix, while she sorts through other options.

Or she will state she is "single" but have a couple of FWB's in tow, that way be unbeholden to anyone, be in total control and get her support/sex/suppers etc.

I read a post last night stating that to explain the present/future we need to look into the past, how was our relationship with them early doors? As this will explain how it'll be with the new boy/boys.

I was offered FWB as she didn't wish for a relationship, so I explained to her it was a relationship or nothing, told her she was rude to even suggest a FWB option (fine if I was 18 but not aged 42!)

You can treat them like queens, they'll take it all, holidays, presents etc etc, it gives them something to talk about with their friends but in reality it doesn't mean anything to them, all taken for granted and expected.

It is almost comforting/re assuring to know that some poor chap will be about to go through the same thing I went/am going through and all the ones before too.

I know she relocated from all her family/home/job etc due to some trouble before (she played the victim when asked re reasons) and stated that her longest relationship was circa 2 years (I cannot believe that) but yes i feel she will downgrade to a more easily shaped object for her to play with, instant support while searching for a more suitable victim.

[Mr Hollande]

I too can identify with the above. She ditched me for a stoner without a job who scrapes together some sort of living by selling what he grows. Unlike some here I feel less hurt by that than I would had she found a go getter with a big house and millions in the bank. I'm glad that she's crawling in dirt and I hope she stays there.

[Arminius]

I'm pleased that she replaced me with someone a lot older than her, with less education, with less status and with a laughable lifestyle and life choices. It makes it easier to see that actually, there is nothing wrong with ME, it's her. She makes choices based on who the heck knows what! Or, most likely, whatever trinket catches her eye when she is 'available'

Most of us have a type, be it physical, emotional, status, whatever... .I look at me, the replacement, the one before me and the one before that. We all have only ONE thing in common; we came in to her life when she was just out of a relationship and we all had a position of authority/perceived authority relative to her at that time. One of us was a boss, one was a sports coach, one was an instructor and so was another! All were quickly idealised and all ended up being totally devalued ( apart from my replacement. The unusual circumstances there mean it will last longer... .)

I'd have found it harder of she replaced me with a younger, better looking , wealthy man. Then I'd question whether I'd 'failed' .

As it is, I didn't fail, despite her best attempts to convince me otherwise ( and she almost did ). She failed, the disorder won.

[Overbeck]

I am college educated and am highly intelligent. My ex is not.

So, yes, I must admit that when I heard she was with Professor Superman, it hurt me. I offered for us to move in together for years and she always said no. She was never materialistic---but she did stay with her husband because he paid the bills.

And what got me is that she always said I talked down to her. She said she felt small and dumb around me because I was smart.

And she is now with a Ph. D? Whaaaaaa?

Then I got info in this guy. Smug. Pushed around weak women. Likes to drink every day. Volatile. Great! My ex is a Borderline and an alcoholic and she just hooked up with a guy that will feed her weaknesses.

I did compare. Now I do not. Because I know who she is and I am fairly certain she is enabled by an abuser.

I am better than both of them combined and I take pleasure knowing they are most likely in a drunken, miserable existence with each other.

[Frankcostello]

I wouldn't waste any of my precious time worrying about whether my exBPDgf upgraded or downgraded, in the end it doesn't matter.  They are gone regardless.  I also caught my exBPDgf lying about seeing someone else when I saw her with another guy about two blocks from my house.  I ignored her from that point forward. There was no point in worrying about what she had done after that, if she didn't care why should I.  My healing process started that day, and I have to say it was the beginning of a new me from that point forward, and now I am grateful that she is gone because I don't need someone around me who's going to lie and cheat.  Life is too short for that.  If she upgraded or downgraded who cares, in the end she didn't care about anyone's feelings but her own.  So why bother caring about her from that point forward.  You're healing process should start now, and believe me from personal experience you'll be glad you bit the bullet.

[Tausk]

I wouldn't waste any of my precious time worrying about whether my exBPDgf upgraded or downgraded, in the end it doesn't matter.  They are gone regardless.  I also caught my exBPDgf lying about seeing someone else when I saw her with another guy about two blocks from my house.  I ignored her from that point forward. There was no point in worrying about what she had done after that, if she didn't care why should I.  My healing process started that day, and I have to say it was the beginning of a new me from that point forward, and now I am grateful that she is gone because I don't need someone around me who's going to lie and cheat.  Life is too short for that.  If she upgraded or downgraded who cares, in the end she didn't care about anyone's feelings but her own.  So why bother caring about her from that point forward.  You're healing process should start now, and believe me from personal experience you'll be glad you bit the bullet.

This is very good.  Congrats on your movement toward recovery and detachment. 

[peiper]

Ive come to the conclusion that Id better go get checked for std's. Shes a cheat and proably  always has been.

[BorisAcusio]

Ive come to the conclusion that Id better go get checked for std's. Shes a cheat and proably  always has been.

Mine most likely has a lifetime STD and she doesn't even bother to get checked or warn her new supplies about the possibility, so be very careful.

[Overbeck]

Thank you for the interesting responses.

Comparisons are not so easily controlled. All humans judge and compare. It is just a normal brain function.

The reason I started this thread was to tell everyone that I was getting past such pedantic worries.

In other words:

It is not my fault.


Professor Superman is a bad guy; but even if he was the best guy who ever lived, SHE is the same. And that means that I do not have to feel bad. She did not move on or move up. She moved sideways.

And when I am done grieving, her being with him will be the best thing for my future happiness.

[bewildered2]

remember why they finish a relationship; it's because the level of intimacy has risen to a high enough level where the risk to them of you leaving, and the pain it will cause them is too high, so they leave you before you leave (abandon) them.

remember why they start a new relationship; because they are chronically unhappy and need someone, a distraction, to take their mind of their own misery.

so, basically, almost anyone will do. the new person is someone who is safe, precisely because the level of intimacy is low. and because they can't be alone for long, they'll attach themselves to anyone who will have them. education, intelligence, age, sex, are all irrelevant. the only requirement is that the new target will spend more and more time with them, and gradually give in to their every want and desire, which includes the willingness to back down and take responsibility for being the cause of her unhappiness. 

when you have done everything possible to please her, and she finds that she is still unhappy, you get dropped, because you aren't doing it for her, or because she can't take the risk of being abandoned by you.

and so it happens. it ends dramatically, of course. and often, there is another person waiting in the wings, ready to step into your shoes. the crazy thing is that his day will come too, and he'll feel just like you when it happens. confused, dazed, exhausted, and bewildered.

and then she'll do it again... .

it isn't about you, and it never was. and it isn't about your replacement. it's the disorder.

b2

[Arminius]

remember why they finish a relationship; it's because the level of intimacy has risen to a high enough level where the risk to them of you leaving, and the pain it will cause them is too high, so they leave you before you leave (abandon) them.

remember why they start a new relationship; because they are chronically unhappy and need someone, a distraction, to take their mind of their own misery.

so, basically, almost anyone will do. the new person is someone who is safe, precisely because the level of intimacy is low. and because they can't be alone for long, they'll attach themselves to anyone who will have them. education, intelligence, age, sex, are all irrelevant. the only requirement is that the new target will spend more and more time with them, and gradually give in to their every want and desire, which includes the willingness to back down and take responsibility for being the cause of her unhappiness. 

when you have done everything possible to please her, and she finds that she is still unhappy, you get dropped, because you aren't doing it for her, or because she can't take the risk of being abandoned by you.

and so it happens. it ends dramatically, of course. and often, there is another person waiting in the wings, ready to step into your shoes. the crazy thing is that his day will come too, and he'll feel just like you when it happens. confused, dazed, exhausted, and bewildered.

and then she'll do it again... .

it isn't about you, and it never was. and it isn't about your replacement. it's the disorder.

b2

We should have a page of wisdom where posts like this are stored and promoted for every new member to read. This is golden.

[Overbeck]

Something you guys should know about my case:

I usually leave her. I nearly always break it off.

[Overbeck]

and then she'll do it again... .

it isn't about you, and it never was. and it isn't about your replacement. it's the disorder.

The whole post was remarkable, but this quote is important.

I took it personally when I found out she was not only with Professor Superman, but that she was smug about "moving on".

But he works with her. He is predatory when it comes to finding weak, drunk women like her. She had no chance to escape him given her problems.

I need to heal from the personal betrayal I feel. But yes, I now know that I was doomed but a horrific mental disorder that kills anyone that gets in its way.

And yes, knowing she is not in an improved situation helps me to regain self esteem.

[MommaBear]

My ex once told me that if he were to move on, he'd deliberately pick a woman who was less intelligent than I was. He also made it clear that she had to be less educated.

During his last attempt at a relationship, he lied about being sole owner of our house (I own it as well), did the deed with her in my bed (despite my asking him not to, and to just respect the personal property I had at the house after the separation), then lied to her about my education level and career to boot!

His new "replacement" is exactly as he had hoped for. Not too bright, or well educated, younger than both of us, and in a situation in which she is a perpetual caregiver to members of her family.

He's painted me out to be the raving, psycho xw every man loves to hate. Apparently, she hates me as well. I don't blame her, knowing how well he can play the victim when it suits him.

In his mind, he's moved up because she's "fresh meat" and that much easier to control. She's a new supply, and like a drug addict, I'm not much more to him than an empty bag of drugs. Licked clean and worth nothing now that it's empty. So I'm no worth much, just toss me aside and get his next fix.

That realization is painful, but when I think of what that poor girl has on the horizon, and what my kid will have to endure, it feels like little more than a paper cut in comparison.

[bewildered2]

My ex once told me that if he were to move on, he'd deliberately pick a woman who was less intelligent than I was. He also made it clear that she had to be less educated.

During his last attempt at a relationship, he lied about being sole owner of our house (I own it as well), did the deed with her in my bed (despite my asking him not to, and to just respect the personal property I had at the house after the separation), then lied to her about my education level and career to boot!

His new "replacement" is exactly as he had hoped for. Not too bright, or well educated, younger than both of us, and in a situation in which she is a perpetual caregiver to members of her family.

He's painted me out to be the raving, psycho xw every man loves to hate. Apparently, she hates me as well. I don't blame her, knowing how well he can play the victim when it suits him.

In his mind, he's moved up because she's "fresh meat" and that much easier to control. She's a new supply, and like a drug addict, I'm not much more to him than an empty bag of drugs. Licked clean and worth nothing now that it's empty. So I'm no worth much, just toss me aside and get his next fix.

That realization is painful, but when I think of what that poor girl has on the horizon, and what my kid will have to endure, it feels like little more than a paper cut in comparison.

whatever he said, whether it was true or false, was designed to inflict pain. that is what they do. hurt people hurt others. borderlines intentionally hurt the ones they are intimate with... .it is screwed up... .but the only real evidence of their love is how badly they treat you at the end... .if they were not intimate with you then you would not see the real them... .just the mask they wear to suck you in.

and once you have been painted black you will be devalued completely. until one day when he wakes up and isn't getting what he needs from someone else, and so he might try you.

You are lucky in a way because you know the truth about him, and you didn't waste your entire life with a hopeless cause like him.

you had a lucky escape, hard as it might be to believe... .

b2

[Overbeck]

I ask myself if it would help me move on if Professor Superman was a great guy loved by all who made my ex a better person.

As it was so deftly put by my best friend yesterday:

"Impossible scenario. No one can change her. If you jump in a lake you get wet. You can't change that and no one can change her."

[Lights843]

I too can identify with the above. She ditched me for a stoner without a job who scrapes together some sort of living by selling what he grows. Unlike some here I feel less hurt by that than I would had she found a go getter with a big house and millions in the bank. I'm glad that she's crawling in dirt and I hope she stays there.

Similar story here. We had two homes, a few choice vehicles, and were shopping for a boat (glad I didn't buy that!). She was in med school. Dropped it all for a 300+lb stoner who grew weed and sold roofies. It's hardly believable to this day. Her family hasn't spoken with her in a few years now and I am on great terms with them. It's tough but I redeemed myself in positive ways.

[Vatz]

Meh, can't say I'm a prize myself. I think the thing I had going for me was that as things progressed, and got worse I forced myself to become more assertive. It's how I'm here now, it's how I called 911 on her.

One guy she cheated with was a narcissistic "nice guy" who lamented why women didn't like him even though he was nice. He wasn't a looker, at all. Be nice all you want. She banged him, but admitted he could barely get it up. A lie? Maybe. Who cares at this point. But I like to think a guy like him, after all the BS and phony nice-guy act is just the sort of guy who can't perform where it counts. You know what I mean?

Am I better? Nah. I barely have any money and I'm not too ambitious about jobs (I do wanna be a personal trainer though.)

Every other guy wasn't particularly good looking, and I think one was a Juggalo (this one was more flirting on the phone. Lived too far.)

Is she going to upgrade after me? Probably not. But was I really that much better than the other guys? In some ways yes, in other ways no. I rarely spent money on her, I wasn't mr. gift-giver or pays-for-dinner. There's probably some dude that will provide her with *things.* I have a hunch that's the next sort of guy she'll go for. He'll later complain about how he spent so much money on her, how all that money and hard work and *still* she treated him like crap. Oh well.

[Arminius]

Household income, many times average

Nice house

Three cars (minivan , pickup and German sportscar)

One motorcycle

Three dogs

4-6 vacations a year, abroad

Lots of other toys... .

All traded for an uneducated, virtually itinerant worker, old enough to be her father. They don't trade up or down, I guess, they just attach to the next available shiny thing that catches their eye.

I tried to analyse it. Wasted valuable time doing so, don't bother!

[Overbeck]

Catching up on my thread.

I certainly am not a gutter rat; but Professor Superman is her dream come true. He was not some redneck with a limited education.

Most of you post about how the replacement was a definitive step down. I am a damn good man and unlike new guy, I tried to STOP her from drinking. But outside of his obvious MO of abusing weak women, he would be considered by some unbiased eyes to be a step up from me.

That bothers me.

[BorisAcusio]

Catching up on my thread.

I certainly am not a gutter rat; but Professor Superman is her dream come true. He was not some redneck with a limited education.

Most of you post about how the replacement was a definitive step down. I am a damn good man and unlike new guy, I tried to STOP her from drinking. But outside of his obvious MO of abusing weak women, he would be considered by some unbiased eyes to be a step up from me.

That bothers me.

You're spending too much time devaluing Professor Superman.

Maybe you should take a look at this thread:

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224178.msg12424383#msg12424383

[Vatz]

Most of you post about how the replacement was a definitive step down. I am a damn good man and unlike new guy, I tried to STOP her from drinking. But outside of his obvious MO of abusing weak women, he would be considered by some unbiased eyes to be a step up from me.

That bothers me.

Not an easy thing to deal with. But why are you still so concerned? I mean, he's a user, but she's a manipulator too. She's been doing it her whole life. Something tells me Superman is gonna find himself in a vulnerable position. If not its still not worth your time. Perhaps people like him are the only sort of folks that can "handle" someone like her. Match made in hell, yes?

I'll tell you what my t told me, that you can only look forward.

Wishing you the best.

[Overbeck]

Catching up on my thread.

I certainly am not a gutter rat; but Professor Superman is her dream come true. He was not some redneck with a limited education.

Most of you post about how the replacement was a definitive step down. I am a damn good man and unlike new guy, I tried to STOP her from drinking. But outside of his obvious MO of abusing weak women, he would be considered by some unbiased eyes to be a step up from me.

That bothers me.

You're spending too much time devaluing Professor Superman.

Maybe you should take a look at this thread:

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224178.msg12424383#msg12424383

Just the opposite. I have thought that he was Superman and I was left because I was inadequate. That she moved on and was better off without me.

She is not better. His Ph. D does not make her better. They are drunks who will soon hurt each other viciously---and I take glee in that knowledge.