Broke nc again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I broke nc again. She had zero interest in me idk why I still care but I do. what the heck arg

[Blimblam]

I broke nc again. She had zero interest in me idk why I still care but I do. what the heck arg

[LettingGo14]

I broke nc again. She had zero interest in me idk why I still care but I do. what the heck arg

As the old zen saying goes, "fall down 53 times, get up 54."

Acknowledge the broken contact, and forgive yourself.  And begin again.    If you can, identify the trigger -- was it a thought?  An emotion?.  If a thought, write three challenges to the thought.  If an emotion, consider ways to hold the emotion to allow it to pass like a storm.   

This is a process, not a switch.  You are engaged in the process, and you are doing meaningful work.  You are going to release the shame, and validate yourself.   Get up, and begin again, brother.  We are here for you.

[I Am]

Don't carry that guilt.  We have all done that.  I have lost count.  I sat at lunch with a friend i have told "its over" so many times i lost count.  She smiled and said no judgment.  She is always there for me and so are we for you.   I am ending day 5 of my most recent and hope to be my last attempt at NC.

my stbx uBPD is a master and getting me to let her back.  They are amazing at being so very convincing.  Its a remarkable thing. 

For me, each time i have to pick myself, stop the blaming and start again.  I wish you the best and know there is no judgment here. only support.  You can do it when the pain of the present gets to be worse than the fear of really leaving.

all the best blimblam.

[Veronykah]

Don't carry that guilt.  We have all done that.  I have lost count.  I sat at lunch with a friend i have told "its over" so many times i lost count. 

Exactly. Most of my good friends ask me if I'm with my ex and when I tell them I am not or I am, they usually laugh and don't believe whatever state it is will last anyway. Hate it because I would never think I would be the person who is constantly breaking up and getting back together with someone. NEVER done it before.

It happens and it's easy with a pwBPD.

[Blimblam]

Thanks letting go, I am , veronakah

I guess I just wanted some sort of validation that she would be happy to hear from me. But no.  I already know but some part of me just wants her comfort. Why would I expect anything different?   Like if I could just cry in her arms idk.  I guess she was the only person I ever had in my life I ever felt I could show my vulnerable self and be comforted by now that's gone and I'm just a joke to her.  

I feel so empty.  

She was my best friend.  I just want my best friend back

[Blimblam]

I just want to cry and be held.  I don't think I've ever had that in my life

[Veronykah]

Wow, we sound so much alike.

Unfortunately or fortunately, mine would be here in a second if I asked him to be.

But he is so toxic that I am trying my hardest to keep myself from recycling. I have a huge fear that he's been cheating on me a lot more than I even know and really don't want to find out the extent of what he's lied and done to me.

From that perspective, I know it doesn't help, but perhaps you can take a little solace in NOT being able to get back with her?

Her not talking to you will allow you to heal and move on, knowing I can go right back into the tornado makes it that much harder to stay away.

Not sure if that will make you feel better?  :'(

[Blimblam]

Wow, we sound so much alike.

Unfortunately or fortunately, mine would be here in a second if I asked him to be.

But he is so toxic that I am trying my hardest to keep myself from recycling. I have a huge fear that he's been cheating on me a lot more than I even know and really don't want to find out the extent of what he's lied and done to me.

From that perspective, I know it doesn't help, but perhaps you can take a little solace in NOT being able to get back with her?

Her not talking to you will allow you to heal and move on, knowing I can go right back into the tornado makes it that much harder to stay away.

Not sure if that will make you feel

Idk if their is an ideal situation in my mind it is friends with bennefits and no drama. But with how much I invested into her I think I probably became too much of a trigger to have anything. I think if I left her and didn't have the option because she was hurt to bad it would hurt less.  There is something about being rejected and being met with what seems like indifference that is extremely painfull.  It is almost like the girl I knew is dead.  Like as we tried to be friends I watched her change and it was extremely heartbreaking.   Idk my dog is dying and I just wanted her to hold me.  

[Infared]

I broke NC on and off for a year... .just forgive yourself, you are human and your heart has been bludgeoned by a very sick person. It makes no sense to us why our time with them means nothing?

After a year... .I went NC (I had the guidance of a therapist that I really trusted). There is no way for her to get in touch with me. I have a new email address, new phone number, and I am don't do Fake Book. I stopped assoc. with anyone who had contact with her. Completely.

It became survival for me.  

Now, occasionally she will try to walk up to me in the super market or a parking lot and as soon as I catch sight of her I just turn and walk away and get to a safe place for me. Being in her presence is not healthy for me. I might as well stick my head in an oven.  Took me a long time to get there. Yes, the encounters effect me... .I work thru it with my friends and my support group, but there is no talking thru anything with this mentally ill person. I don't care how she feels. I Just go.

[eagle755]

It's so hard going nc and going through a break up with someone with BPD.

You want them to give you closure and to run into your arms and you want them to want you.

But because of their mentality, all of that's impossible.

I'm going through it, hopefully this is the last time I attempt nc. It's been two days. Last thing I said to her was a long text of me blowing up on her out frustration, saying things like how could you possibly have done all that you did, after all we had went through etc(she cheated on me but then wanted me back after I left, then didn't want me, then did, blah blah)

Failed attempt to make someone with BPD feel bad. Its just impossible.

But hopefully I can stay strong this time. Trying to come to terms with the last two years with her meant nothing to her pretty much.

[Caramel]

Hi Blimblam

We break NC as many times as needed until we get closure.

Bargaining is one stage of grieving in any breakup. In a BPD breakup though we are made to believe that it was our fault that the relationship ended. And nobody wants to lose a precious thing assuming that they were the cause of the loss and they could have done something to prevent it.

Also due to all the recycling we are conditioned to believe that it might not really be over yet and there might still be a chance for us to get back together. That they might be missing and thinking about us too and waiting for us to take the first step. After all it was always like that in the past, so it could be the same this time.

You break NC until all those doubts are cleared in your head. It's very normal.

Don't be hard on yourself. Your brain is just dealing with a highly emotional confusing situation to take you to a better place. There is no shame in that. Give it time and be patient with it.

You are on the right track.

And we are all here for you. 

[camuse]

We break NC as many times as needed until we get closure.

Bargaining is one stage of grieving in any breakup. In a BPD breakup though we are made to believe that it was our fault that the relationship ended. And nobody wants to lose a precious thing assuming that they were the cause of the loss and they could have done something to prevent it.

Also due to all the recycling we are conditioned to believe that it might not really be over yet and there might still be a chance for us to get back together. That they might be missing and thinking about us too and waiting for us to take the first step. After all it was always like that in the past, so it could be the same this time.

You break NC until all those doubts are cleared in your head. It's very normal.

Spot on!

I feel stupid now for falling for the recycling, being strung along, believing it was all my fault. But I'm glad for that period, because it dispelled all those thoughts in the end - I remember the day I realised that in fact it wasn't me, and that she was a vile, self-absorbed, manipulative individual with no concern for me, and that her actions did not match her words. It was the lightbulb moment I needed to break free and never look back.

[I Am]

Infared

It became survival for me.  

Now, occasionally she will try to walk up to me in the super market or a parking lot and as soon as I catch sight of her I just turn and walk away and get to a safe place for me. Being in her presence is not healthy for me. I might as well stick my head in an oven.  [/quote]
This is exactly what i needed to hear today.  Day 6 of NC here.  Thanks Infrared.

[Blimblam]

Hi Blimblam

We break NC as many times as needed until we get closure.

Bargaining is one stage of grieving in any breakup. In a BPD breakup though we are made to believe that it was our fault that the relationship ended. And nobody wants to lose a precious thing assuming that they were the cause of the loss and they could have done something to prevent it.

Also due to all the recycling we are conditioned to believe that it might not really be over yet and there might still be a chance for us to get back together. That they might be missing and thinking about us too and waiting for us to take the first step. After all it was always like that in the past, so it could be the same this time.

You break NC until all those doubts are cleared in your head. It's very normal.

Don't be hard on yourself. Your brain is just dealing with a highly emotional confusing situation to take you to a better place. There is no shame in that. Give it time and be patient with it.

You are on the right track.

And we are all here for you. 

This is gold.   Yeah I feel like I needed to to be reminded I guess I don't feel ashamed. But there is still that hope.  I really think it is the need to cry and be held by someone and told by their actions their is nothing to be ashamed of.  Is it possible with my ex? Maybe she is a sweet person on many levels.  My own desire for her to take responsibility for past things will trigger her I know that.  She is in many ways when not triggered one of the kindest people I have ever known I understand it is within the context of the disorder but none the less it is powerfull medicine. 

[Blimblam]

Hmm I know what I need it I not her maybe a T is the way to go.  Just someone to cry in front of. 

[Mutt]

Hmm I know what I need it I not her maybe a T is the way to go.  Just someone to cry in front of.  

That's a good idea to talk to a T or a P. It helped me a lot and I cried in many session. It felt good to release those emotions.This is difficult stuff Blimblam and don't be hard on yourself.

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. -Buddhist Saying

[Confusedmae]

It just means you're normal, Blim.  Not many of us stayed gone the first time.

[Caredverymuch]

Hmm I know what I need it I not her maybe a T is the way to go.  Just someone to cry in front of. 

We all have been there Blim. All of us. You break NC many times until it all finally comes together.  Its not linear. We do it as many times as our hearts tell us we need to.  Dont feel any shame in that.  One bit.  We all went back to the person we loved for that comfort we so desperately were seeking.  We were all rejected too.  That person we wanted that love from is too busy hurting us in response to the trigger.  And guess what. D/o or not, its not ok to treat people who are hurting that way.  We all have felt the way you are feeling.  You get back up brother and stand here with your friends. You get the support you need here and seek that T or P to help you as much as you need.  Let your feelings out and acknowledge why you are feeling them. Then move forward with us all. Sometimes when I felt just like you are, I literally hugged and held myself.  I am so sorry about your dog too.  They really are our best friend. And my dog always licked away my tears and stayed right beside me when I had that same hurt you speak of. 

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys ,

She did eventually acknowledge me but reluctantly I'm not taking it personal.  But yeah crying in front of someone and exposing myself vulnerable in that way can be very healing and I think it will help a lot.  Financially I'm not sure if I will be able to make it happen. I think it would speed up my process but we will see.  I just had that 'need' but her response was one of kind of being put out for acknowledging me.  She must have a bunch of guys on the hook right now.

[Infared]

Infared

It became survival for me.  

Now, occasionally she will try to walk up to me in the super market or a parking lot and as soon as I catch sight of her I just turn and walk away and get to a safe place for me. Being in her presence is not healthy for me. I might as well stick my head in an oven.  

This is exactly what i needed to hear today.  Day 6 of NC here.  Thanks Infrared.[/quote]
"I Am". It's years later for me... .  I find it soo perplexing that the person who literally discarded me from their life a week before Christmas and took off with her latest hero (of course she said there was no one else), and just threw me out like garbage has to try to approach me. Of course if she is with him in public and the is an accidental run-in she behaves in a childish abusive way toward me. Mind you... .I have had positively NC for years now.

2 weeks ago I had one of her psycho former lovers (I had to get stalking charges against him while I lived with my ex... .now I think she may have been doing him for the 5 years we lived together... .I will never know?) He was following me around Home Depot. I did not know until he was behind me in the check-out line (by coincidence... .YEAH RIGHT!) and tries to engage me in conversation?  What could I possibly want to talk with this creep about?  Why is he following me around a store after all these years. My ex and everyone assoc. with her is nutz.

I ignored him saying my name behind me and made for the door like a locomotive... .jeeeeeeez... .

Hard as I try it seems almost impossible to get the goo off of me!  LOL!

[Infared]

Thanks guys ,

She did eventually acknowledge me but reluctantly I'm not taking it personal.  But yeah crying in front of someone and exposing myself vulnerable in that way can be very healing and I think it will help a lot.  Financially I'm not sure if I will be able to make it happen. I think it would speed up my process but we will see.  I just had that 'need' but her response was one of kind of being put out for acknowledging me.  She must have a bunch of guys on the hook right now.

BLIM... .I did therapy for a year one-on-one with a T and group therapy that she counseled with five other men for about a year. I think it saved my life... .In my experience there was never going to be any closure from the pwBPD. That is like trying to get closure from a 5-yr old. As painful as it is, and believe me I know, in the end you HAVE to take care of you.  I feel your pain. I hope that talking about it here helps you.

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys ,

She did eventually acknowledge me but reluctantly I'm not taking it personal.  But yeah crying in front of someone and exposing myself vulnerable in that way can be very healing and I think it will help a lot.  Financially I'm not sure if I will be able to make it happen. I think it would speed up my process but we will see.  I just had that 'need' but her response was one of kind of being put out for acknowledging me.  She must have a bunch of guys on the hook right now.

BLIM... .I did therapy for a year one-on-one with a T and group therapy that she counseled with five other men for about a year. I think it saved my life... .In my experience there was never going to be any closure from the pwBPD. That is like trying to get closure from a 5-yr old. As painful as it is, and believe me I know, in the end you HAVE to take care of you.  I feel your pain. I hope that talking about it here helps you.

Talking to all if you on here saved my life.  The day I started posting on here was the day I was going to hang myself the ptsd was so intense like hallucinating worst bad trip ever intense and would last hours and hours at a time every day for months.  Like that day was below rock bottom I had crossed the threshold that holds the fabric of reality together. I wasn't going to half ass it either I did my research and had it planned out. I'm glad I didn't I wanted to live I just couldn't bear to live that way.  I mean if I looked in the mirror I had to convince myself that was me.  I had a breakthrough a few weeks back and it felt like I was reborn. My entire perspective on the nature of reality has changed remembering who I was at any point in my life before that breakthrough seems like a different lifetime.  Like even a month ago seems like 100 years have passed. Whoever I once was died I have memories but idk I feel like I have been unplugged from the matrix and all the media I used to like has a new meaning i didn't see before. 

[Infared]

Blim, I almost committed suicide as well, the shock and the pain were so great. Absolutely the most painful thing I ever went through... .I did not comprehend that someone your cared about and shared so much great stuff with them and their family could abruptly exhibit the kind of behavior that I was subjected to.  It was severe.

Enduring that can cause extreme emotional damage to some people. It certainly did to me. At some point I just started doing any and everything that I could to get help and a lot started to slowly get better.  I know I am still processing it though and I also know that that experience effects the way I behave now, for better or for worse.

I knew nothing about BPD at that time so all of this has become kind of a revelation for me.

I am glad you are doing better by coming here and sharing your experience.

[Dutched]

Blimblam

If I remember your story well, this is the 2nd time you were involved in a BPD r/s.

I have seen your devastating posts, your clear moments, your despair, your advises to others and the light that shines sometimes.

Your wounds are still relatively fresh, a fall back is painful, but nothing to worry about (easy talking, I know), let it flow, acknowledge it.

I once gave the advise to see a T to help you. Did you?