Suicide

[Junknown]

Well, now my recently new exBPDgf started blaming me again and basically made a small suicide threat "take care of my things and when im better ill come get them, if i dont kill myself in the meanwhile".

So, this came to a new level. Thing is, im in touch with her husband who still lives with her but with who she cut off the emotional bonds. So she just stays there because of their son and because she is financially dependent on him (thats what she always told me). I texted his husband just to give him a heads up on the threats, to be alert and ask what he tought and he answered me that she did this to him as well and that i shouldnt worry. Once he contacted her father and he told him not to worry that "those who say that they are going to do it never do it".

But this activates in me a horrible fear. She threatned me with this in the past. And i ended up falling for it, trying to calm her and resolving this. But this time im more lucid and i know what is going on, plus knowing she did this to another one takes things to a different level and makes me even more eager to go through all this and never look back. I had doubts some hours ago, now, with this kind of threats, im becoming even more certain im doing the right thing. She feels im slipping through her fingers and wants to hold me back. But ill soon be free!

Like another forum member said to me, i must run and dont look back. I was walking, now ill start running.

Any tips on what to do in this kind of situation? What if this escalates? What should i do? Just ignore? Do something? What if she phones me? Sends a text message threatning me with it? What can i do to protect me and protect her? Even tough i see the disease even more clearly now, i dont want her to do any harm to herself.

[Overbeck]

I believe my ex alcoholic Borderline GF is suicidal. I think she may have tried to kill herself in the past year.

But it does not matter. Suicide---or the threat of it---is a tool to use if all other attempts to suck us back in fails.

If she ever killed herself, I would not feel guilt. I did not pull the trigger---she did.

Hard to give advice to you. Play it as it is in the moment... .but ALWAYS know it is just a tool to control you.

[Turkish]

Well, now my recently new exBPDgf started blaming me again and basically made a small suicide threat "take care of my things and when im better ill come get them, if i dont kill myself in the meanwhile".

So, this came to a new level. Thing is, im in touch with her husband who still lives with her but with who she cut off the emotional bonds. So she just stays there because of their son and because she is financially dependent on him (thats what she always told me). I texted his husband just to give him a heads up on the threats, to be alert and ask what he tought and he answered me that she did this to him as well and that i shouldnt worry. Once he contacted her father and he told him not to worry that "those who say that they are going to do it never do it".

But this activates in me a horrible fear. She threatned me with this in the past. And i ended up falling for it, trying to calm her and resolving this. But this time im more lucid and i know what is going on, plus knowing she did this to another one takes things to a different level and makes me even more eager to go through all this and never look back. I had doubts some hours ago, now, with this kind of threats, im becoming even more certain im doing the right thing. She feels im slipping through her fingers and wants to hold me back. But ill soon be free!

Like another forum member said to me, i must run and dont look back. I was walking, now ill start running.

Any tips on what to do in this kind of situation? What if this escalates? What should i do? Just ignore? Do something? What if she phones me? Sends a text message threatning me with it? What can i do to protect me and protect her? Even tough i see the disease even more clearly now, i dont want her to do any harm to herself.

Junknown, this is a tough situation, and a lot of members here have been emotional blackmailed with such threats. (Personally, I fear this might happen to me, especially this winter given uBPDx's SAD and dX'd depression in general.)

I feel your concern for her, as evidenced by contacting her husband. Regardless of their r/s, he is in a position to "caretake" if necessary. He's closer to the situation. I'd take him at his word, but I will take exception to what his father said, "those who say that they are going to do it never do it".

From our suicide protocols: Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

These can be accessed by the red Emergency button at the bottom of every thread, by the way 

The question in your case is how much responsibility do you feel towards her? She has support that is close. You're detaching, and she's exhibiting increasingly erratic behaviors due to her fear of abandonment. You can detach; she can't, or won't at this point. If you are in contact with her husband, then that is your boundary. They have a child together. The responsibility lies within that family unit, in my opinion, such as it is.

[Junknown]

Yeah, i tried to alert her husband. He knows what is going on, so he had an idea she could react like this and told me not to to worry. A few times i tried to leave the relationship in the past, at the beginning, when she was being excessively abusive by depreciating me when she felt hurt, and she did this to me, threatning to kill herself when she tought i was leaving her. I know she is suffering right now, she says she is in bed, has all windows closed and shutted down, she is in darkness.

She always told me she was like this after each real breakup she had with her boyfriends. She would go into a depressive state. I tried to convince her that she doesnt have to suffer like this, to stay calm, think in her family, the few friends she has and going through all that has happened. Sometimes in the past i felt like her suffering was like something she auto imposed, like she deserved it, and had to go through this, in a dramatic way. In the many times she was hurt by something she would kinda be like this even if it were minor things. She always said she felt pain more intensely than most people. And had to feel it. Sometimes i told her to take it lightly, dont take it so deeply, just wait and distract from the pain, but she couldnt switch the focus of her attention.

Im so sorry for her, i still love her. Sometimes i think i should go and rescue her from that pain. But then i think she betrayed me and had this guy hanging around and being emotionally stuck with her for 1 year and 5 months before the betrayal. I even found a video online made by him where he was apologizing and saying he was sorry he behaved less than a boyfriend, that he was a monster, and asking her for forgiveness. She even said he was crazy for thinking she was his girlfriend.

I told her im sorry in text messages. And she says "words like that dont do anything anymore. Acts speak louder".

So, she is giving me the hint i should go and try to get forgiveness by doing something for her. This is weird to me. When i was betrayed she didnt understand my pain and said i should forgive her truly if i wanted to continue with her. I never asked her anything except fidelity and i was enduring the pain this caused to me by building some distance to her (which was something natural when someone hurts your trust so deeply with lies and betrayal). Now, she says i hurt her again this time and was stupid like i always was (after she basically wanting sex and me not doing it so easily as we had a lot of trouble recently and just wanted to be with her and see how things went).

She demanded so much... .Acts of forgiveness, sex, regret, acts of love.

With time i realised this. If i wanted something simple she would say i was selfish and only tought of me and my problems. Great, much of the time we were together there were her problems always. She would be solving them, suffering from them or shaken by them.

[Lucky Jim]

much of the time we were together there were her problems always. She would be solving them, suffering from them or shaken by them.

Hey junknown, It's all about the pwBPD getting attention.  It's ALWAYS about the pwBPD.  They have little empathy for others.  For someone seeking attention, the threat of suicide is the ultimate manipulation.  My BPDxW threatened it 10-15 times during our marriage, yet was just crying wolf.

It's a tough position to be in when someone voices a suicide threat.  One time I called my Ex's therapist, but the therapist was unhelpful.  It's a tough call.  If you think the person is serious, you should call 911.  But after the first few threats I knew my Ex was faking it.  So I learned to take such threats with a grain of salt.

LuckyJim

[Artisan]

You can only wait and see.

I suggest, not waiting and not seeing.

Its her choice, not yours.

You are not responsible for this person. You are responsible for your own person.

[WhatTheFrank]

If you think you have a serious threat, by all means call the police and have the proof ready.

A few financial hits from having to pay ambulance, emergency room, and inpatient mental health stay can wise them up to using this tactic.

[Artisan]

A person who threatens suicide multiple times can always be baker acted; but usually only by their husband, mother/father, child etc ... .

[woodsposse]

much of the time we were together there were her problems always. She would be solving them, suffering from them or shaken by them.

Hey junknown, It's all about the pwBPD getting attention.  It's ALWAYS about the pwBPD.  They have little empathy for others.  For someone seeking attention, the threat of suicide is the ultimate manipulation.  My BPDxW threatened it 10-15 times during our marriage, yet was just crying wolf.

It's a tough position to be in when someone voices a suicide threat.  One time I called my Ex's therapist, but the therapist was unhelpful.  It's a tough call.  If you think the person is serious, you should call 911.  But after the first few threats I knew my Ex was faking it.  So I learned to take such threats with a grain of salt.

LuckyJim

It is my experience that a suicide threat should always be taken serious.  The time where the suicide is successful is when you have to "live" with the fact that the person actually went through with it - and maybe you question if you should have done something different.

That is a tough pill to swallow... .but it is the truth of the matter.

When the suicide note was left next to the body and the cops had to come and explain that he actually went through with it... .a close friend of mine fell apart wondering if she had taken it seriously would he, at least, still be here.

So... .again, in my humble opinion - always take it serious and get help.

[Turkish]

It's all up to anyone how much they want to engage, especially with a person who shows traits of mental illness. This is a tough one for many of us due to the emotional damage due from our relationships with our pwBPD.

I went through it once with my pwBPD, on a Christmas Day no less. She was pregnant with D2, S4 was S "not quite" 2. I was on the verge of calling someone. Maybe I should have. Maybe hospitalization would have resulted in a dX. Maybe not... .

Here is the suicide protocol we have on the site. It's not bpdfamily's secret protocol, it was developed in consultation with professionals:

Suicide Ideation

These threads may also be of some help in gaining perspective on this serious issue:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Depression and Suicidal Ideation