Can anyone relate with these thoughts?...

[thereishope]

So here I am again... .in a relatively calm period of time... .which brings up the question I want to ask you guys... .

FYI - Last week, after a few days of the worst craziness I think we've encountered up to this point, I desperately got online and found this message board (by God's grace... .you all have been an incredible help and reassurance!)... .I registered myself on the board as UNSURE... .although I really believe that if none of the crazy, tossing to-and-fro insanity about this relationship was in my mind, I would definitely want to leave and make a better present and future for me and my kids (thankfully not his kids).  I just don't see myself living long-term with an UBPDh.  There are things I want to do that can't really be accomplished while allowing someone else to consciously and/or subconsciously control all aspects of my life. 

So, back to my question for you... .Can you relate with these thoughts?:

* During times of emotional dysregulation of your BPD significant other, it is very very easy to see it for what it is, and to visualize and want to leave and be done with them and all of the chaos... .

* During times when UBPDh is acting calm, loving and considerate, I feel like I actually may be the problem that prompts and causes the BPD flare-ups (I don't really think I believe this, but the thoughts come)... .(I have realized and began working on SET and communicating better, dealing my own issues... .)

* I almost find myself disappointed during calm times because during these times I can't point to anything that can justify my deep-seated generalized dissatisfied feeling... .and I almost am hoping for another flare-up so I can (as I've read others say on here... .) "have that one, last, vital piece of evidence/proof" that proves to my stupid discernment/decision-making capability that I really would be better off away from here.

* I am almost in awe over how I've put up with so much negativity toward myself during times of his BPD flaring up.  I've stated before that I would counsel any other person to not put up with such things when they occur, but in this crazy situation, I find myself justifying things... .Honestly though, how can I be so numb, and get over each ridiculous incident almost immediately after it happens, as though nothing happened and as if the fantasy of whatever I think this relationship could be is reality? It's very confusing and I want to understand more of how this all works.  I find it very very interesting that when I prayed a few weeks ago that God would let me see clearly, and what is real... .He led me to information about BPD and to this board.

Do any of you have any insights along these lines?

Thank you in advance,

and thanks also to all of you who have posted here... .it may be cries for help and therapeutic on your part, but it is also a tremendous blessing to others of us out here who had no idea what we were dealing with, and are now feeling greatly affirmed, uplifted and encouraged to hear of others who have/are dealing with the same exact things we are... .Thanks again!

[Blimblam]

Yes,  I can relate to everything you stated!'  For me it got the the point where contact with her would make me physically sick and my mind as well. Yet part of me goes back for more.  I'm am in lc now because I have trouble maintaining nc.  There is some part of me I guess deep inside that has not surrendered.  Apart of my own narcissism that masochisticly wants to prove itself.  I have an awareness of it now but letting to of this is something I am still working through.