Unconscious fear present in our concious awareness

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I think when we identify with abusive behavior of a BPD so the opening of our core wounds makes long time painfull repressed memories present in our concious awareness.  This truama we had hidden deep down now present In our awareness is felt as anxiety fear pain and all the other unpleasant experiences the devaluing and abandoning has inspired within us.

I think this is what a BPD persons life is like having all this pain just under the surface of their concious awareness.

I think this gives insight into the nature of reality also. I think we all have these repressed traumas underneath whether from our foo or from what we percieve as authority upon the naritive of what life is about and how we identify ourselves as part of it.  

I think we let authority of a life narrative from various sources hide us from this pain deep down we all share which at  the same time is the source of it.  When we see this pain in others we tend to look away as not identify with this part of ourself we hide from.  When I think about it it is systemic and we have devised a carefully constructed model to outsource this pain through caste systems such as the socioeconomic one that exists in my society.  

It is all so reminiscent of the way a borderline dicasosiates from pain and the fear of not knowing who we truly are.

[Blimblam]

I think when we identify with abusive behavior of a BPD so the opening of our core wounds makes long time painfull repressed memories present in our concious awareness.  This truama we had hidden deep down now present In our awareness is felt as anxiety fear pain and all the other unpleasant experiences the devaluing and abandoning has inspired within us.

I think this is what a BPD persons life is like having all this pain just under the surface of their concious awareness.

I think this gives insight into the nature of reality also. I think we all have these repressed traumas underneath whether from our foo or from what we percieve as authority upon the naritive of what life is about and how we identify ourselves as part of it.  

I think we let authority of a life narrative from various sources hide us from this pain deep down we all share which at  the same time is the source of it.  When we see this pain in others we tend to look away as not identify with this part of ourself we hide from.  When I think about it it is systemic and we have devised a carefully constructed model to outsource this pain through caste systems such as the socioeconomic one that exists in my society.  

It is all so reminiscent of the way a borderline dicasosiates from pain and the fear of not knowing who we truly are.

[Perfidy]

Hi Blimblam. I haven't posted on this board in quite a while. Your references to consciousness caught my attention. We aren't ever fully conscious. Even in waking consciousness we act on our fantasies and illusions. The hurt and pain we feel are the result of an unsustainable fantasy collapsing. The fix got this is becoming self aware and developing consciousness in reality. Everything that happened was real but based on our own fantasy of what we thought it should be like instead of how it really was.

[Blimblam]

Hi Blimblam. I haven't posted on this board in quite a while. Your references to consciousness caught my attention. We aren't ever fully conscious. Even in waking consciousness we act on our fantasies and illusions. The hurt and pain we feel are the result of an unsustainable fantasy collapsing. The fix got this is becoming self aware and developing consciousness in reality. Everything that happened was real but based on our own fantasy of what we thought it should be like instead of how it really was.

perdify,

I totally agree with you. But what reality is it you speak of? The fantasy within for me was a reflection of the fantasy from the outside. A fantasy I internalized and identified with then projected back out. I was seeking something from this fantasy, something from within, from deep within.

I think the fantasy indeed did exist before I met my ex.  It is filled with ideas implanted in me in childhood a realm I created to hide my treasure.  It is a metaphor for my own psyche and a place I hid the light within. A treasure map I made to find it. I think it is this which Borderline is unable to do.  So they seek the fantasy of someone else to take and share in our light. We become intoxicated and deluded into not realizing it is from within and when our mirror object that revealed these hidden parts of us to ourself leaves we feel all the pain of the original trauma that caused us to hide our treasure in the first place.

The fantasy is something I internalized from the outside to hide my treasure from whithin. Then I spent the rest of my life looking outside of myself to find it.

[Perfidy]

Totally on the right track seeking answered with respect to conscious existence. One step closer to reality. It takes a lot and it isn't always easy to come by.

[Blimblam]

I mean before I was having all these sort of existential ideas on the nature of reality and consciousness when before I first got with my ex. I was coming from a place of authenticity I genuinely cared about her and I still do. I felt I knew who I was. I did feel a bit lost at that time in my life and it was a vulnerable time for me.

I guess I am doing personal inventory about what comes from within and what comes from outside of myself that I have internalized within.

I can feel my awareness at times sort of detach and observe thoughts attached to various emotions sort of battle for control within my mind. Where as before they would sort of take control and run my mind in loops of ruminations until they would beat me down and I would yield to them in defeat. Yet I can still fully feel them. Like this higher level of awareness can redirect these thoughts into my body. Breath focus helps tremendously with this.

[Blimblam]

I understand it now.  Borderlines show us the path.  When they leave they creates a tear all the way to core to our true selves and it is a tormentors path but it leads to "salvation" from the false self.  They are messengers of light living a tormented existance in this realm they did not develop a false self so they are not fully of this world. They are here to show us  the light through the darkness within our own minds. She was my muse that inspired the fools journey to the light.

[Narellan]

For me it's a bit more clear. I'm not delving too much into the core of what I got or didn't get as a child. No ones childhood was perfect. Radical acceptance that my parents loved me and did their best. For me it's about being lied to and cheated on.  My conscious self can't comprehend that someone is capable of that evil. My subconscious still struggles to deal with it and make some sort of sense of it. That's why for 4 months I continually woke up crying during the night. It took a lot longer for my unconscious mind to just accept it for what it was. Unbelievable betrayal. Nothing to do with my FOO. I just led a fairly sheltered life where lies and cheating were never part of. This just feels like shock. And a lot of damage has come from me seeing people can really be this cruel.

I don't believe my exBPD had any light to show me the path. He is a sick calculating person that I can no longer have in my life, as much as I love him. He is my past now. And my biggest lesson is not to be so trusting. I don't have any anger toward him, nor do I hold him on a pedestal anymore. He taught me very harsh lessons of love, that at 48 yo were difficult to learn.

[Blimblam]

Narallen did you feel like you found your soulmate the missing piece to the puzzle and the thing you seek in at the end game of your own internal fantasy at the time you fully commited to this perso. And completed the fusing of your identities?

[Narellan]

I felt like I'd met my soulmate.  we talked about everything. He was carefree and funny. And he's the only man I've ever met that showede affection. All the time. I'm 48 and he's the only man who has ever stroked my hair. That's just one example. My ex husband was aloof.

I don't know if its anymore than what he fulfilled in me as a man/ woman partnership.

But I felt like I'd been waiting for him my entire life.

[Caredverymuch]

For me it's a bit more clear. I'm not delving too much into the core of what I got or didn't get as a child. No ones childhood was perfect. Radical acceptance that my parents loved me and did their best. For me it's about being lied to and cheated on.  My conscious self can't comprehend that someone is capable of that evil. My subconscious still struggles to deal with it and make some sort of sense of it. That's why for 4 months I continually woke up crying during the night. It took a lot longer for my unconscious mind to just accept it for what it was. Unbelievable betrayal. Nothing to do with my FOO. I just led a fairly sheltered life where lies and cheating were never part of. This just feels like shock. And a lot of damage has come from me seeing people can really be this cruel.

I don't believe my exBPD had any light to show me the path. He is a sick calculating person that I can no longer have in my life, as much as I love him. He is my past now. And my biggest lesson is not to be so trusting. I don't have any anger toward him, nor do I hold him on a pedestal anymore. He taught me very harsh lessons of love, that at 48 yo were difficult to learn.

Oh Narellan,   you have suffered a great betrayal. Much more than abandonment betrayal. I do understand so much of what you say about this being far more than uncovering our core wounds as the by product of an interaction with a pBPD. Shock indeed. We all suffered shock but for your experience it was delivered with dual cruelty by involving your friend as well.  You are a strong and admirable person and you are aware of the need to protect yourself from recontact attempts and you are doing that. That is so difficult, I know. It all is. Please give yourself a hug and know how valued you are   And keep on healing and taking care of yourself.

My experience was the most damaging experience of my life and at my age, the harshest lesson on trust as well. It's very sad that I will never trust another to that extent again nor do I believe I will allow myself to love that deeply again. The ambush was that great. And the after effects that painful.  I am so sorry we endured what we have, I hope someday we all gain inner peace once again and forever more.  I am so very thankful for the support provided here. And we are so glad you are here Narellan finding your support amongst those that understand and who have experienced the same deep pain.

[Blimblam]

Exactly.  He has a vacume and he brought the light through you into him and that feeling came from your absolute core the divine spark of life itself. When he left he created a void which is the path to this part of you which is the message of the true self. It is a painfull journey. It is a journey into the unconscious mind the underworld it is scary the fear is what Christians call "the fear of god"

[Blimblam]

The anxiety and pain is the parts of yourself that need to be processed to realize the fear is an illusion it's love being held by fear.  He was showing you how to save him which is by saving yourself and reclaiming this love that has been trapped within you.  You felt it it's real. It is within you. 

[Narellan]

CVM your post really made me cry. It is wonderful to receive kindness and support here on this forum.

BlimBlam I have a huge capacity for love and empathy. It's been my undoing. And I loved and trusted with all my heart... .Both of them. Dual loss.

And this experience has showed me my strength.

The fear of him is only tied into his unpredictable behaviour in the face of me now being split black. The fear and anxiety is around " what will he do next?" Because I shared a couple of secrets with him, one he has already disclosed to others. And the photos stress me out. It is so unprofessional of him, and again I am in shock over his actions.

[Blimblam]

You have to understand it's not the man you love doing this. It is the disorder the disorder doesn't not want the man you love to find the light you found in your love for him.  The disorder wants you to focus on the pain and fear so you will not see it is an illusion. That love you found that pure endless unconditional love you found In yourself is still within you. You were seeking it your entire life and you found it now it is buried under so much pain that must be sort though to reclaim it. I believe in you.  The disorder is trying to keep you stuck to keep you from waking up.  The disorder has imprisoned the man you love which is who you are. 

[Narellan]

I agree with the first part of your post. It is the disorder that prevents him from being happy and being able to reciprocate love... .Mine or anyone's. but I am not trapped by the disorder. I was hurt by it. By his actions, intentional or not. Some were some weren't. I still have the capacity for great love within me. But I have learned I need to put boundaries in place and not be so trusting. People lie and cheat. Whether they have BPD or not. I recognise I desire a partner who can express love and emotions and affection that my BPD partner could. His feelings were fleeting and the relationship was a fantasy, but I believe there are real men out there somewhere that can be honestly expressive. Not that I'm going looking at this point... .But I see from enough honest sincere people on this forum that people like me exist. That can express love and affection honestly.

It is not denial of the disorder or what is or isn't lacking in me. I was in a vulnerable place when I met my exBPD having just come out of a broken marriage of 22 years. And I was unaware adults could behave in this manner. It's been very eye opening to say the least. And I refer to both my exBPD and my best friend who doesn't have a mental illness.

I don't have a fear of god. And I still see good in people. But I can now see some bad too.

[Blimblam]

The pain is love trapped in fear, guilt, and shame.  Fear is good it means one isn't a psychopath. But fear is an illusion. Fear is unconditional love. 

[Narellan]

Psychopaths feel fear. Bpds feel fear. Exorbitant fear.

I don't believe the pain is trapped fear, shame and guilt. The pain for me is loving people that weren't worthy of it. It's the betrayal and deceit. Most of the pain came from seeing messages my best friend exchanged with my lover. Whilst telling me she hasn't spoken to him. And the messages about my faults as a person. There was a photo he sent her of he and I kissing a few days earlier on holidays and he had typed " HAhahahaha" in capital letters underneath it. There is no fear, shame or guilt within me. But pain over this. Because I don't understand it. It's sick. And it's sicker that my best friend laughed back. My pain is from a broken heart... It's that simple.

[Blimblam]

It has taken me incredible amounts of pain and distance from the disorder and self inquiry to be able to come to these realizations. It had been te most difficult painfull scary thing in my life.  At the worst moments I no longer feared death I welcomed it the suffering was so great.  I feared living. I'm sorry the disorder keeps reaching out to you.  We create the false self to hide from the pain of suffering. Our sense of self is only that it is a sense of self. Our sense of self is a fantasy. 1 part from outside and 1 part from within.  But going through the pain and suffering and becoming one with the fear the pain it becomes something else. There is a transformation.  The hardest part for me now is the grudge.

[Blimblam]

I fear the grudge. Feeling that pain I am afraid to feel it. Perhaps you can relate?  The story overlays the emotions as thoughts that circle in endless loops in the mind.

You will perhaps never understand the story only the emotions they evoke in you can be understood and experienced. 

[Narellan]

Yes I identify with your pain. At one point I did not want to live. I was in a very dark place and felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. It has been a long hard 5 months and I'm truly grateful I found this forum, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be here today without it. And my sense of self has gradually returned. I have made a lot of changes, many if which I wouldn't have changed prior to meeting my exBPD. I've ended " friendships" I've changed jobs and I've been away alone on a holiday. My strength and self esteem are returning. I know what to do to keep moving forward. And time is helping me heal.

Peace to you BB. It's a long and difficult journey 

[Blimblam]

narallen,

I think this a perfect circle song may help you.

www.youtu.be/CB3Gv4oZdWo


"The Noose"


So glad to see you well

Overcome and completely silent now

With heaven's help

You cast your demons out

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you off your cloud

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about

Making your amends to the dead

To the dead

Recall the deeds as if

They're all someone else's

Atrocious stories

Now you stand reborn before us all

So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you to the ground

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about

Making your amends to the dead

To the dead

With your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping

Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down [repeated]

Your halo slipping down to choke you now  

[Blimblam]

... .and this

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

"A Stranger"


Cast the calming apple

Up and over satellites

To draw out the timid wild one

To convince you it's alright

And I listen for the whisper

Of your sweet insanity while I formulate

Denials of your effect on me

You're a stranger

So what do I care

You vanish today

Not the first time I hear

All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence

Shy away, shy away phantom

Run away terrified child

Won't you move away you ___ing tornado

I'm better off without you

Tearing my will down

[Narellan]

oh BB, I have no idea what that means... .

I'm a realist. I know what part I played in the relationship. I have no halo and I'm on no cloud.

I'm just an ordinary person, who loved the wrong person. But I don't have regrets and I don't deny my part in it. I loved and learned. That's life. I have no grudge issues. I believe in karma and I believe I don't need to play any part in their lives to bring them down. I choose to walk away from the drama and merry go round. It's not because I'm better than them, I do it because I have to. Self preservation.

[Blimblam]

not your halo... .it is a message to them your ex and ex friend pretending everything is happy and perfect.  Because you are left with the story and they pretend like it is "someone elses atrocious story"

the actual song itself captures the emotion very well I thought it may be good for you to feel those emotions in a releasing way.

[Blimblam]

the song can also be related to oneself when one all of a sudden think they are high and mighty. I just find it humbles my thoughts of my ex as being happy and free like nothing happened. The song was very releasing for me.  Then when I started feeling free of her and getting a lofty perception of myself it humbled me. It helped me find internal balance.

its like Namaste = recognize the you that is I

[Narellan]

Ahh yes... True. Thanks for clearing that up.

Incidentally my exBPD left town today. Bailed.

No idea where. It was a shock to see his car and caravan gone as I have to drive past everyday  to work. After the initial shock tho, I felt a peace come over me. No more anxiety that he might keep turning up at my door. It's a good feeling. He may have actually moved on now for good.

Fingers crossed.

[Blimblam]

Im sorry if I may be hard to relate to.  I am coming to realize I am becoming extremely esoteric I guess it is my true nature.

[Narellan]

You're not hard to relate to... .We all come here on the same journey.

The things you raise I have dealt with my T also. It's a journey of self discovery. The gift of the borderline... .I'm grateful to have met him... .He truly stripped me to my core and I've learned so much.

The love I felt was real, regardless of how he felt. Regardless of how fleeting or real or true... .It's irrelevant. I am glad I experienced that love. I am glad I had such moments of pure joy and happiness. Who cares if it was a fantasy for him... .My feelings were real. And I'm so glad I have that capacity to love. Next time if at all, it will be with someone worthy.

[Blimblam]

yeah the entire way I view reality changed... .

so the borderline didn't internalize enough love to develop a sense of self. so who they are is trapped in their unconscious mind. 

I internalized enough love and projected that onto other things I internalized from outside of me and it congealed to form my sense of self which is essentially a fantasy.

then I realized that that love I felt was trapped deep in me and when she left I felt it gone and all my repressed emotions became part of my conscious awareness.  Destroying my sense of self and who I thought I was.  So my sense of self wasn't me.

So the borderline hasn't internalized enough of this world to be fully apart of it and she doesn't know who she is. but with her I felt the original love I had seeked my entirelife.  The I realized this world is her dream world her nightmare and she is looking for the lost parts of herself in it. This is her unconscious mind and I am just a character within it. When I found her she helped me find the missing piece within myself. But I know my sense of self is just a part of this realm and who I really am is her. I had been looking for her my entire life. I had to know her to know who I am who I really am. I had to experience everything hidden in my unconcious to find it though.

it is like realizing I am just a character in sleeping beauties dream.

this world is the game the system and the ones to navigate it best are sociopaths because they only see it as a game to be won they are totally just material of the dreamworld which is the material world.

[Narellan]

". When I found her she helped me find the missing piece within myself."

What was missing in you that you were so unaware of BB?

In my case I was we'll aware for many years my husband was incapable of expressing love. So I lacked that and craved it. But it's no missing piece. I have total awareness that I was in a loveless marriage... .Thats One of the reasons I left... .