Rude

[figurethis]

Man have I come to really dislike this word along with the word attitude. It seems near every time, I sense we are heading towards an argument. These words start getting thrown around as a precursor. I try and talk in a calm and empathetic nature. But at some point we get to a point where I can't agree with something explicitly. Pretty much at the T in SET, mostly statements about my character. (I've tried focusing on my actions specifically or my feelings but she keeps coming back to what she thinks of me and wants me to agree with her about how terrible I am). I try to avoid agreeing and apologizing for the version of myself she believes I am at that point.

This is where I get stuck I become this person that cares so much about defending myself and I think I am so perfect. (Even though I just spent alot of time saying I understand where I had gone wrong and should try doing XYZ differently).

Then it becomes how I was rude to her for not agreeing with her. And how rude I am when I speak with her and that I disrespect her. That I was speaking with so much attitude with her (I am not perfect there are sometimes when I could have said some things better). But most of the time I stay calm and try and understand and empathize with her feelings. So to me the accusation of attitude is   to me. So it just puts me in this situation where I feel like I have to agree that I am this *insert character assassination here* or I am this rude disrespectful person that thinks he is perfect.

Sorry just had to vent... its hard when it feels like you have to basically suppress your feelings to the person you care about the most... .

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[123Phoebe]

Oh boy, rude and attitude   Has a certain ring to it though... .

Hi figurethis,

I'm wondering what your initial feelings are when hearing this from her?  By any chance are they to get away from the onslaught of negativity?

That's what I would feel like doing, getting away from it and would act on it

Once the 'conversation' starts rolling downhill, I've found it's best to not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) where I'm coming from.  It won't be received the way I would like it to be, plus I just don't want to be around that kind of negativity.

How would it feel to excuse yourself from that conversation?

[waverider]

Rude is one of my trigger words too.

Sometimes it is has its roots in the fact that I may be a little frustrated/exasperated.

But it  feels so hypocritical, really do need to let it wash, the more you react to it the more it gets used.

[pecia]

Hi figure this,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I also get accused of claiming to be perfect, along with being any other negative descriptor my BPDh can come up with. I think the negative words are a lot of how they feel about themselves. I know - at my house- I act "perfect" because I only had one emotional affair as opposed to his double digits of physical affairs. That is his shame over what he has done talking. Just keep being as calm as you can. Don't JADE. And when you get tired of the abuse- walk away from the situation before you lose your cool. Good luck and welcome

- pecia

[figurethis]

Thank you all for the responses. Ya waverider I really have tried to be radically accepting and being like I understand she is going to be hypocritical on these situations. One of my favorites ius yelling at me that I am raising my voice and trying let all the neighbors hear even though she has been yelling the last 10 minutes and I am jsut trying to get a single word in. Or if I don't and I stay calm I get accused of trying to make her sound crazy to the neighbors because its only her that is yelling. Its hard because sometimes you just want to yell can you not look at yourself, but that's the point right? They can't.

Pecia and Phoebe, I hear you I frequently try to put some space between us. And even though I know its all her game and her way of manipulating. She will yell at me to leave her alone she doesn't want that. If I walk away she will make random remarks until I respond. If it continues its I don't care and she starts packing. I know its her way to make me respond, she doesnt want to feel abandoned so she threatens to abandon me, then my reaction re affirms her. I know how this all logically works. But it has become even harder now she is pregnant (8mo both of us very happy). But it puts me into a tough position. I feel like I am just trying to protect her from herself and I know its not my job.

[waverider]

Thank you all for the responses. Ya waverider I really have tried to be radically accepting and being like I understand she is going to be hypocritical on these situations. One of my favorites ius yelling at me that I am raising my voice and trying let all the neighbors hear even though she has been yelling the last 10 minutes and I am jsut trying to get a single word in. Or if I don't and I stay calm I get accused of trying to make her sound crazy to the neighbors because its only her that is yelling. Its hard because sometimes you just want to yell can you not look at yourself, but that's the point right? They can't.

Been there done that.

Only way around that is the catch 22 of reducing conflict and increasing acceptance. One needs the other, it is also hard to achieve one without first having the other. So you need to act out the lessons to get the ball rolling.

Pecia and Phoebe, I hear you I frequently try to put some space between us. And even though I know its all her game and her way of manipulating. She will yell at me to leave her alone she doesn't want that. If I walk away she will make random remarks until I respond. If it continues its I don't care and she starts packing. I know its her way to make me respond, she doesnt want to feel abandoned so she threatens to abandon me, then my reaction re affirms her. I know how this all logically works. But it has become even harder now she is pregnant (8mo both of us very happy). But it puts me into a tough position. I feel like I am just trying to protect her from herself and I know its not my job.

Its the viscious cycle of reaction and counter reaction. Only way to break this is to decide what you want to do independent of whatever her demands or claims are. eg if she tells you to stay or leave should have no impact on whether you do or not. That is decided by what you want to do. Wont stop her flipping out initially, but it will stop you being indecisive and frustrated.