How do they feel or react when we cry?

[hergestridge]

My wife was initially attracted to me because I did not seem to have any emotional needs of my own. But as soon as I started respond in natural way to her actions she thought I was overreacting.

Her last words before she left me was that wanted to find someone less sensitive.

What I wanted to say (but did not, because it would have been pointless) was if she would find someone that unsensitive then that person is ill, possibly dangerous. But on the other hand I know she was not altogether serious. She was just trying to get the last shot before leaving. At heart she knew she had ___ed up and basically outstayed her welcome in an irreversible way.

[Infared]

My wife was initially attracted to me because I did not seem to have any emotional needs of my own. But as soon as I started respond in natural way to her actions she thought I was overreacting.

Her last words before she left me was that wanted to find someone less sensitive.

What I wanted to say (but did not, because it would have been pointless) was if she would find someone that unsensitive then that person is ill, possibly dangerous. But on the other hand I know she was not altogether serious. She was just trying to get the last shot before leaving. At heart she knew she had ___ed up and basically outstayed her welcome in an irreversible way.

In getting healthier my pat response to anyone, doesn,t have to be a love relationship, says to me "oh, you are being to sensitive is "or, perhaps, you are being too mean?" Or aggressive, or whatever adjective fits "their" behavior. ... and if I watch closely, I am usually in the presence of a bully... .once I become aware of this, I can act accordingly.

[Ventus2ct]

My wife was initially attracted to me because I did not seem to have any emotional needs of my own. But as soon as I started respond in natural way to her actions she thought I was overreacting.

Her last words before she left me was that wanted to find someone less sensitive.

What I wanted to say (but did not, because it would have been pointless) was if she would find someone that unsensitive then that person is ill, possibly dangerous. But on the other hand I know she was not altogether serious. She was just trying to get the last shot before leaving. At heart she knew she had ___ed up and basically outstayed her welcome in an irreversible way.

I stated almost as much to mine, said if I didn't give a ___ then she'd be fine, but the mere fact I did feel for her was not fine, it was almost as if she would be better off with some bloke who treated her like ___ and had numerous other girlfriends on the go at the same time.

She disagreed and simply said she wants someone who treats her like a "Princess" the stupid thing is I was treating her like one and she kicked me in the teeth, no respect.

Even when saying to her that "I wouldn't even treat my enemies the way she treated me" she wouldn't/couldnt even comprehend it, instead suggesting that I had to simply "deal with it"

So so shallow.

[Artisan]

It was used against me.

[Alex86]

There was no hug, no comfort,  no matter how serious the issue. Just that blank stare and matter of fact coldness. I was diagnosed with an incurable illness. I sat at his kitchen table and lost it. He spoke to me as if we were discussing which stock to purchase.  I was sobbing and said, I dont want to die. I have too much living to do. No empathy,  just kept washing dishes. It was always can I rub his back, his feet, massage this or that with the promise "And then I'll do yours". Right... .if there was any gesture of even bringing me a plate of food, it was robotic and foreign like in nature.

Wow... this is unbelievable. I'm sorry... .That one triggered me! Even if I don't know you!

The thing is that when we are feeling sad or weak or anything else than positive they see themselves in us. Remember they can't feel happy themselves. They need other individuals in order to feel that emotion. They lose their fantasy that everything is good and magical.

Weak moments are one of the excuses used when the devaluation starts. Eventually, we become a trigger for them.

[MommaBear]

Mine told me early on that she found it very disappointing when men she looked up to turned out to be emotional. A phrase I didn't think much of at the time, but was a big red flag. She reiterated often that she had no time for partners who were needy, emotional, sulky, down, sad, whatever. She demanded positivity at all times, "strength".

When things started to deteriorate, I got very upset and stressed several times, each time she simply did not react. If I asked her to stop, she just did not hear what I said. She said I was sulking if I was upset about one of her massive rages. But of course, she could be as emotional as she liked and I had to drop everything to try to help.

She had no empathy for anyone and actually became angry if I showed any concern for anyone - stating that I should care only about her.

Quite why I put up with such behaviour, I now have no idea. Shame on me

THIS. This is my ex. WOW. Could never show weakness, vulnerability, sadness, despair ... .just always, ALWAYS had to be strong, in control, and a freakin' source of entertainment, responsibility, and an emotional boxing bag all at once.

He even thought he had the right to dictate HOW I should respond emotionally. I was supposed to take his garbage, and be OK about it too.

And that blank look everyone describes? God, how I hate that look. I could be crying hysterically, and he'd just stand there like a dog with its head tilted, wondering how I made the cookie disappear with a sleight of hand.

[willtimeheal]

My favorite was when she would wake me up in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep. When I would ask her what was wrong she would say... .can you rub my back. Are you freaking kidding me!  You woke me up to rub your back!  FU!

[LostGhost]

I will echo all of this. It never fails to amaze me how similar all our relationships were. I had to maintain a constant 110% positive vibe at all times. If I didn't, I'd be treated with coldness and indifference, sex and intimacy would be withheld like some reward/punishment instrument at her discretion. I was able to keep that positivity going for a solid four months and although exhausting, it did provide the best four months of my life. If I could have somehow maintained that momentum indefinitely, I'd still be in paradise perhaps. Part if me can't see what she sees in her new/old partner. The guy just doesn't look like he has the energy to even get out of bed in the morning never mind keep her laughing, smiling and entertained like the court jester I was... .and yet... .they're together and we are not so who knows. I went over the top, singing Disney songs in public, dancing with her in the supermarket, letting her cry on my shoulder and vent her problems with other people/work/life, cooked dinner and served her every night, full body massages, walked her dog... .everything I could do to give off that positivity.

First time I showed any other range of emotion besides euphoric, it was all downhill from there

[camuse]

Goodness, so many similarities.

Mine also said she wanted to be treated like a princess. But to her this meant disregarding everything in my life except her - friends, work, anything.

I also managed to maintain the 100% positive emotion for about 4 months. Only complete positivity and hedonism was acceptable to her.

[Blimblam]

If you were 3 and saw you hurt your dads feelings and he was crying and scared of you how would you feel.

[JohnLove]

Well that has never happened to me according to my recollection... .but I think bewilderment.

[maxen]

these stories are just heartbreaking.

my stbxw blindsided me and moved in with somebody else. we met twice after that, which were the most horrific experiences of my life. she repeatedly refused to address the consequences of what she had done but 1: discussed it as if it were gossip, 2: expressed nothing but self-pity ("i'm not proud of it!" and 3: when i broke down weeping she ran out of the room.

[2014]

Mine just told me: 'stop the fake crying' and went to the other room to sleep. 

[Bak86]

I only cried once in front of her. After a couple of days after the breakup i went to her house to talk it over. I cried like i never cried before. She cried as well and i think she felt bad for me to some degree. During the relationship she actually found it strange that i never cried(i hadn't cried since my grandma died and that was 15 years ago). She would cry at least once a week.

[freedom33]

The worse day of my life I can remember so far was exactly a year ago. It was right after idealisation stage where I was unclear what was happening and she 'd behave weirdly. I was really in love with her at the time. We were at a wedding and she was flirting with another guy in front of me. The guy was just coming out of a divorce was there by himself and was trying to discern if we were together. After a few mins, he asked her indirectly (so what's up with you two, are you in a music band together?). She said no but didn't say anything more than that. After a few more minutes he asked again directly this time 'so are you guys together?'. I waited 2 seconds to see what she was going to respond as she wasn't responding I said yes and right at that same moment she said 'we just met... .'. I would later figure out that this was my punishment for talking to her 'abruptly' a few mins before we met the guy.

Anyway - I swallowed my anger and kept my cool at the time. She could sense (or was hoping) that something was wrong though. So afterwards she asked me if there was anythign wrong. When I told her that what she said was not cool and to explain herself she denied it. She said she didn't mean it like that, then that I didnt hear her well and then that what she actually said was that 'we just met 4-5 months ago'. Which in itself is not even an answer to a direct question of whether or not we are a couple... .

At any rate, we went to my flat which was close by and denial and gaslighting followed for hours till the early morning hours. I couldnt get her to accept what she said and I was desperate - I didnt know that she was BPD at the time. I was 100% sure of what I heard but she was so insisting, I was losing my mind, I didn't know what was real from what was not, and then I basically broke down. I started crying out of desperation. I don't often cry. I have shed a tear or two but I don't remember ever properly crying/sobbing in front of woman before. You know what she did? After 3-4 minutes she started crying too and telling me about her difficulties at work and her financial situation. I coudn't believe my ears. This is the worse night of my life so far.

Thanks for reading all this.

[Suspicious1]

I remember absolutely weeping in front of him twice. On several occasions I leaked a tear or two. One of the reasons I walked away was that whenever I cried, he'd just stand and stare at me, or ignore me like it wasn't happening. I didn't want him to DO anything, but just a hug would have been nice. It was an odd, lonely, isolating experience.

[tim_tom]

Mine would pretty much ignore me for a bit until guilt got the best of her, then she'd do something very minor like put her hand on my shoulder, or ask me to come to be and just put her arm on me.

The day she ended it, she spent the night and went through the motions of being warm. But was cold, and it seemed to be her way of making herself feel like a good person for giving me 1 more night.

This was confirmed the next morning, as she was packing up... I couldn't watch so I went downstairs. After a period of silence I went up to check on her, she was crying her eyes out. I was happy, not cause she was crying, but because she was finally showing some emotion about this whole thing. The BU was so cold and angry.

But... when I asked what she was crying about, she started saying things like she wished she could go to sleep forever and never wake up. I was thrilled! I felt the same way!. Then she continued, what she was upset about was that SHE felt like a bad person. Not about missing me, not about losing me, SHE felt bad about herself. She had broken up with her last boyfriend the same way she tells me, and I comfort her and tell her how wonderful she is. Basically exactly the ego boost she was looking for. And i left with the memory of the only tears she shed including regret for how she broke up with not just me, but her last boyfriend.

I will never understand how someone so needy in most ways... Needing constant contact, reassurance about decisions, proof of loyalty and affirmation of my feelings for her, could be so freaken cold when it comes to sorrow/empathy.

[Whiteytheox72]

Mine could not process tears. I would get called weak and a victim. She would get visibly shaken and a look of confusion at tears, expressions of love.

[BlackandBlue]

When I was with my ex borderline girlfriend my dog died early on during our relationship and i cried quite a bit and she was very supportive of me. But after the idealization phase if i cried she wasnt the least bit supportive. She would rip on me and call me a drama queen,mommas boy, baby, etc... .She actually cried very little or showed an emotional side. I asked her why she was this was and she said her mom taught her not to growing up and would make fun of her if she did. If she was upset she would go into silent mode and it would take serious coaxing to get her to talk... .it was so frustrating. At the end of our relationship she had me so stressed out and depressed i actually made an attempt to end my life. I remember crying hysterically and she started with the degrading comments which is what made me make the attempt... .the lack of empathy. She actually broke up with me cause of that attempt which is a hard pill to swallow... .i was devastated. I tried being friends after the breakup but it was impossible... .i felt so betrayed by her for leaving me at such a terrible point in my life. If i would try talk to her about us i would get emotional and she would flip on me. The last time i talked to her she said i wasnt a real man... .that really stung. Its funny how early on in the relationship she praised me for being a sensitive guy.

[Flora73]

I fell sick with the shingles and my exBPDgf thought it was me testing her to see if she would look after me?

I was run down from walking on fricking egg shells... .

[BlackandBlue]

I fell sick with the shingles and my exBPDgf thought it was me testing her to see if she would look after me?

I was run down from walking on fricking egg shells... .

Funny you brought up shingles... .I actually thought I was getting shingles when I was with my ex because I kept getting these red hives all over my stomach. It turns out you can get a rash from being stressed out... .never knew that.

[maternal]

My ex told me to stop being so sensitive.

[Loveofhislife]

I don't understand their reactions at all. Are we not allowed to cry? That wasn't what they ordered? We are not the Barbie or GIJoe that they ordered? They ordered the one that would attend to their every need. Mattel dolls have no needs; why should we? My exbfBPD had no idea how to respond to my tears, so he would say; " GO WASH YOUR FACE." It felt like he was looking for a line from a script, and that was the best he could do. It was creepy.

[hergestridge]

My ex told me to stop being so sensitive.

My ex left me after 20 years with the words "I want to find someone less sensitive".

Every single time for those 20 years when she had hurt me, she convinced herself that it was me who was too sensitive.

Then she would admit to me she knew it wasn't so, that it was in fact the opposite. That not anybody would put up with her and that a "normal sensitive" person would propably have left her years ago.

But then she was back in "You're too sensetive" mode again.

[merlin4926]

My ex used to get angry and say I don't know why your crying because basically it was all about him!

[Infared]

My ex told me to stop being so sensitive.

My ex left me after 20 years with the words "I want to find someone less sensitive".

Every single time for those 20 years when she had hurt me, she convinced herself that it was me who was too sensitive.

Then she would admit to me she knew it wasn't so, that it was in fact the opposite. That not anybody would put up with her and that a "normal sensitive" person would propably have left her years ago.

But then she was back in "You're too sensetive" mode again.

Pardon me for saying this... .but it's ALL so psycho!  

[Artisan]

It really is crazy. And its really sad.

[Nomad1027]

My DxBPDw would belittle me when I cried in front of her.  She would say things like "God!  You are such a wimp/drama queen/baby".  The worst one was when we were talking about getting divorced and I began crying and she said "I cannot wait to be done with you so I don't need to see you be such a girl.  I want to find some young stud who will f*** me silly instead of crying around me."

It has been a while since I recognized how abusive her words were.  It has just been until recently that I realized how emotionally shut down I became in the relationship, fearing the constant rejection of any emotional display.  More than 2 years after the divorce, I am slowly coming back, but it is going to be a long road.

My UxBPDgf only heard me cry once, over the phone, this past June.  Three days after she broke up with me we had a phone conversation. I was thrashing back and forth between anger, desperation, sadness, confusion, and negotiating.  She felt very bad when she heard me cry and began crying herself, apologizing for hurting me so.  But when I asked her to hold on and not leave, she suddenly grew cold and with humorous disdain in her voice said "Oh please!  Stop begging."

I think it was at that moment that she painted me black, or at least a dark shade of gray.  After that, I believe she saw me as weak and broken.  She said as much to a friend, afterwards.  It was at that point that the full detachment started.  After that, any interaction we had was initiated by me and her communication grew more and more distant.  In the end, when we talked, it was like she was talking to a mere acquaintance. 

Moral of the story:  they will always paint you black.  It makes no logical sense, but they will do it.  It will never change, because they cannot change.  For most of our xBPD significant others, BPD will be a forever thing.

[Loveofhislife]

[quote author=Nomad1027 link=topic=229897.msg12498778#msg12498778

I think it was at that moment that she painted me black, or at least a dark shade of gray.  After that, I believe she saw me as weak and broken.  She said as much to a friend, afterwards.  It was at that point that the full detachment started.  After that, any interaction we had was initiated by me and her communication grew more and more distant.  In the end, when we talked, it was like she was talking to a mere acquaintance. 

Moral of the story:  they will always paint you black.  It makes no logical sense, but they will do it.  It will never change, because they cannot change.  For most of our xBPD significant others, BPD will be a forever thing.[/quote]
Dear Nomad: after reading your post, I know for certain that after my late July crying jag (when I initiated this post) led to his painting me black and discard on August 1. His refusal to pay me back, or even entertain the discussion, was because he no longer had any respect for me after I let go crying. He believes crying indicated my weakness and brokenness. He was wrong. With my BPD Family and supportive friends, I grow stronger every day. But it did feel like when he no longer felt there was a life source left to drain, it was time to move on to the next. I'm now coming to a place (after two months of ST) that I thank him for dumping me---it's probably saved my life.

[Vivienne]

Another time way back in the beginning of our relationship I was depressed and crying at my Dads sudden passing. I was lying in bed crying and she stood beside me and said "You're no fun anymore" ... .

Oh my gosh! This is soo psychopathic, I feel your pain because my ex was the same!

There was no hug, no comfort,  no matter how serious the issue. Just that blank stare and matter of fact coldness.

My ex did exactly the same, he always let me know that I should be comforting him, but when I was upset or crying all he gave me was a cold blank stare