eye opener

[willtimeheal]

Thanks heart and whole... .

I think this is going to be a little harder than I thought . But I am going to try.

[Arminius]

"I know you and why you do what you do. You take us on vacations so there is no time to fulfill promises at home."  

This stung. I realized that I have spent five years with someone who doesn't know me at all.

Oh, I know this!

In 2012 we had 6 vacations together and one each alone (business/pleasure mix) including one surprise trip to Europe for her birthday. Most women would be ecstatic.

The comment I got later that year? 'Why to we have to go away all the time?' 

Messed up.

[Arminius]

I am going to start writing a list of the lies that were told to me over the years... .to help me remember why I am detaching.

I'm going to say something tough to hear. 

You can only write a list of the lies you KNOW ABOUT.  Once we all accept this, we can maybe lose any feelings we hold.

[kiwimitch]

Yes my ex did exactly the same... .  I did so much for her, I devoted my life to her,, And after a year, (thats how long it took me) to wake up and realize she was Borderline, she started to turn everything around, and said I never cared for her, and she needed a man would would " Spoil her " etc etc etc That really floored me,, after all I had done...  

I retaliated instantly, and told her that no man could ever do enough for her, she would turn against any one that cared for her. 

You could of bought her a 5 star beach house, right on the waters edge, it still would not of been enough. 

At the beginning every thing is great, but once they drop their guard and you wake up to them, you can never win with them,, nothing is ever good enough, they are never wrong, you are always to blame for everything.  It is part of their game...  

Dont buy into it...     Good Luckl

[Arminius]

I knew I was sacrificing my dignity but I didn't care. I was in love and in order to fix her (I know) and us I was willing to crawl through all the excrement. For me at that point it was worth it because things were going to get better. Because I was fixing her and us, right? I would have continued had she not introduced her drug dealer boyfriend out of the blue. Must be one of the very few times a drug dealer has saved someones life.  

I allowed to her convince me I was an abusive partner.  I read the books , highlighted the passages, convinced myself I was a bad guy.

I allowed her to pretend to want to save us, even after she moved out. I allowed her to spend weekends here, sleep,in my bed, yet tell me she felt nothing for me.

I allowed my dignity to be destroyed.

I allowed her to dance in the house with me, kissing me and telling me that I'd never kissed her properly in 7 years. Showing me how to kiss her. ( I later found that while we were doing this, as I topped up our drinks she was Facebooking a friend of her sister, and saying how I'd forced her, tricked her, in to spending the weekend here... .)

I allowed her to force me to end it, when she was staying here 4 nights a week yet would not commit to moving back.

I only grew the necessary spheres when she, in front of me, giggling and shyly avoiding  eye contact as she confessed that within zero time of me ending it, she was 'involved with' someone who made her 'feel special, something I realise was always missing from our relationship.'

Still looking shy, she took the trouble to explain to me that she'd been to spend the weekend with him, but it had been the 'wrong time' for her, so I then got a graphic description of an 'alternative' sexual practice. She described how impressed he'd been at her undoubted ability in that regard.

I allowed myself to try to still, even after that, convince her that we were worth something.

Idiot that is was, I meant it.

It was only when she tried to break in to the house when I changed the locks, that I saw the true her... .totally all about her, my pain meaning nothing, and my having the temerity to deny her access to the house and the pets caused her to say and do totally unacceptable things.

So, I know all about losing dignity.

[camuse]

Why do they treat us worse, the better we treat them? If I did something nice to her, she found a reason to be vile. Why?

[willtimeheal]

She told me the other day she couldn't be around me if I continued with my name calling threats and ultimatums. My name calling consisted of telling her she was verbally abusive to me the other day. My threat and ultimatum I believe is me telling her unless she went on medication for her moods and anger I couldn't be around her anymore. It has now been twisted into me having the mood and anger issues and me being the angry and abusive one. I find that to be unbelievable. then I have to ask myself. Here is a woman who has never had a stable relationship in her life. And if I listen to her tell the story it is always always the other persons fault. They never did this or that. There is never any responsibility on her part ever. And in our relationship it is always my fault things go wrong.

[Blimblam]

Why do they treat us worse, the better we treat them? If I did something nice to her, she found a reason to be vile. Why?

they do not trust true compassion and love, when they find it they will seek to twist it into pain which is their comfort zone.  WHen they were a child that is how they experienced love.

[camuse]

Thanks. Its all just so far from my own way of thinking it's hard to comprehend. Certainly her parents were not nice to her, but why seek more of the same? So alien to me.

[willtimeheal]

Why do they treat us worse, the better we treat them? If I did something nice to her, she found a reason to be vile. Why?

They don't know love. They know violence and hate. That is what they experienced. That is their normal. Real love... .unconditional pure and selfless love is something that makes them uncomfortable and they think they are conditions tied to it.

[willtimeheal]

So I am struggling today. I have been on this BPD rollercoaster for a long time now. I can honestly say I hate it. I have never felt so defeated crushed and destroyed by anything in my life. Today it has hit me especially hard. I miss my girlfriend. Plain and simple.

We have been together for almost six years. It has been up and down. We have been apart and together. Basically all over the place. Last year or two years ago ... .what Does It matter... i figured out she had BPD. Ever since then my whole life has been taking a closer look at myself.  Set boundaries.  Working on me.  I can honestly say right now I am sick of working on myself and setting boundaries. For once I would like the silver lining. I would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would like a break. I am sick of this ___!  When do we finally get to catch a break?  When do I stop crying?  When does my heart stop breaking?  When do I smile again and it actually mean that I am happy?  When?

[camuse]

So sorry you feel so bad. It's a horrific experience, and you are doing well to be getting through it, however slowly and painfully. It's exhausting and depressing isn't it?

If it makes you feel at all better, I can say that your posts have helped me a lot. None of this was our fault and we didn't deserve it.

At least you have an understanding of what happened. How terrible it must be for those who never realise that it was a disorder that shattered their lives, and not their own actions. We are fortunate to have found this board and be able to read the stories and gain some understanding at least.

You will make it through. But I know that doesn't help much right now. We just want to feel ok again

[willtimeheal]

A big part thatfrustrates me is its not my disorder.  I don't have BPD!  But yet it has destroyed my life and now every day hour minute is a struggle for me. I do understand that I had "issues" of some sort that drew the BPD to me but the fact that I sit her broken and crippled by their disease really pisses me off!   

[camuse]

Yes it seems very unfair.

I try to remind myself that I WILL feel alright again in the end, however long it takes.

My uBPD ex is doomed to feel wretched and hopeless until the day she dies, leaving only a lifetime of misery and heartbreak behind her.

I know who I'd rather be.

[Mr Hollande]

My uBPD ex is doomed to feel wretched and hopeless until the day she dies, leaving only a lifetime of misery and heartbreak behind her.

That's close to what I told my ex the last time we spoke. She called and begged me not to put the phone down as I had done the other times since our break up. Against my better judgement I asked her What the heck she wanted and all she came up with was that she missed me. I told her that she is a sick person who hurts the ones who love her. Without missing a beat she said I was probably right. Increadible!

A bit more toing and froing as to what her intentions were and I lost patience and put the phone down. I'd managed to eloquently state some of the hard truths I had stored for her but I still felt like crap. Not for her sake, I give not a gnats p##s about her feelings, but for having talked to her and letting her drag me back in.

Poison!

[corraline]

Hi willtimeheal.

I am sorry you are struggling.  I feel as you do often.  It's going to take some time and more time and being committed to the intention of creating a new healthy life for ourselves.  Its hard when we are still hurting so much and if you are like me, seriously exhausted alot of the time and still ruminating over so much that I experienced. Baby steps.

Another poster spoke about healing beginning with the creation of good moments. Creating new memories and finding the beauty in what we have around us now.  Sometimes i can feel glimpses of joy in my new life after all of the darkness that i have been thru.

What we do now will be the seeds of a new life.  

[BacknthSaddle]

I'd managed to eloquently state some of the hard truths I had stored for her but I still felt like crap. Not for her sake, I give not a gnats p##s about her feelings, but for having talked to her and letting her drag me back in.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

#7.

I have stored up so many eloquent things to say and said them.  I never feel better.  

The truth is, my ex, like yours, knows the terrible crap.  She hurts the ones she loves.  She told me herself "I know I'm toxic." What's maddening of course is that one day she'll say she never said that, or she'll forget all about it.  What's maddening is that she said it five minutes after saying "you're not good enough for me, that's why it didn't work."  What's maddening about it is everything.  

But she knows.  She doesn't need to hear it from me to know it's true. 

[camuse]

I feel very tempted to tell mine what she really is like. But really, what is the point? None. So I don't bother.

[Mr Hollande]

I'd managed to eloquently state some of the hard truths I had stored for her but I still felt like crap. Not for her sake, I give not a gnats p##s about her feelings, but for having talked to her and letting her drag me back in.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

#7.

I have stored up so many eloquent things to say and said them.  I never feel better.  

The truth is, my ex, like yours, knows the terrible crap.  She hurts the ones she loves.  She told me herself "I know I'm toxic." What's maddening of course is that one day she'll say she never said that, or she'll forget all about it.  What's maddening is that she said it five minutes after saying "you're not good enough for me, that's why it didn't work."  What's maddening about it is everything.  

But she knows.  She doesn't need to hear it from me to know it's true.

And there they go to murder the soul of their next unsuspecting victim. Because "this time it'll be different". Because "I have learnt from my experience with you". And so forth until they die.

I told the new woman I'm with about the conversation. Her words were "So how do you feel now?". Crap! "Well, you know why, don't you? Because you let her drag you back in. You'll know better next time".

And she hardly even knows what BPD is.

[BacknthSaddle]

Mr. Hollande that sounds like an emotionally healthy woman.

And you are right: the last conversation with my ex, she was telling me how since her divorce she has done so much soul searching, and she thinks she can be different now, be loyal, keep promises, not hurt people. "I think

about you because I loved you and I treated you badly, and I don't want to do that in my future relationships." "I think I can be different." I'm sure she does.

[Mr Hollande]

That plus how this new guy is so much more attentive, mature, considerate, loving, genuine, loyal, sexually compatible, fun, funny, spontaneous (and whatever anyone else here can add to that list) than we are.

Thanks for pointing me to the Belief List. It's a while since I read it and it's a good reminder.

[Arminius]

I'll confess I miss the version of her that she presented , 99 % of the time for the first three years...

Then that version was present 60% of the time... .Then 25%... .then was replaced by 100% hater.

[willtimeheal]

Well I am back and forth today. I have ok moments and then depressed moments. Everyday I get a text from her just filling me in on how her day is going or what she is doing or how she is feeling. I can feel her keeping me at a distance and it is frustrating the crap out of me. I am being treated like I am the one with the mental illness. I simply respond glad things are well or glad you keep busy but it is killing me. But I can't tell her it is killing me. She wants time and space to work on herself. And I am glad that she recognizes she needs help and is going to therapy and realizes she needs  to make improvements but it is such a lonely road for me. But then again it has always been a lonely road for me why should this be any different. I am tired. Tired of being cast aside and seen as the bad guy while she is off with her crazy family once.again.

[BacknthSaddle]

She wants time and space to work on herself. And I am glad that she recognizes she needs help and is going to therapy and realizes she needs  to make improvements but it is such a lonely road for me. But then again it has always been a lonely road for me why should this be any different. I am tired. Tired of being cast aside and seen as the bad guy while she is off with her crazy family once.again.

There is a difference between "working on yourself" and "recognizing you need help."  Perhaps your ex will stick with therapy, but my ex often stated that she needed space to work on herself, and really did nothing but ruminate and find new supply in these times.  Perhaps your ex will pursue therapy with all of her energy and really improve.  But perhaps not. 

What would you say is stopping you from going NC? 

[myself]

She wants time and space to work on herself.

Even though it's lonely, how about taking some time for yourself?

If the r/s improves with her, it will be better that you did.

If it doesn't work with her, it will be better that you did.

I am tired. Tired of being cast aside and seen as the bad guy

I understand what you're feeling, having also been scapegoated.

But I don't look at myself through her eyes, I see myself through mine.

(Being out of the picture, their point of view doesn't really matter.)

I can feel her keeping me at a distance

She's being obvious about it now, despite the "Let's keep in touch" game. It's not just up to her to regulate how close or far you are. How much distance do you need? How much respect? You're not on her leash, you know. Walk away. Unless you crave the ways she's hooked and reeled you in again?

[willtimeheal]

She wants time and space to work on herself. And I am glad that she recognizes she needs help and is going to therapy and realizes she needs  to make improvements but it is such a lonely road for me. But then again it has always been a lonely road for me why should this be any different. I am tired. Tired of being cast aside and seen as the bad guy while she is off with her crazy family once.again.

There is a difference between "working on yourself" and "recognizing you need help."  Perhaps your ex will stick with therapy, but my ex often stated that she needed space to work on herself, and really did nothing but ruminate and find new supply in these times.  Perhaps your ex will pursue therapy with all of her energy and really improve.  But perhaps not. 

What would you say is stopping you from going NC? 

I can't turn my back on her now. She is working with a therapist. A great therapist... .My therapist got her in with this particular therapist who is a."specialist."  My ex says she likes this therapist and has made a conscious effort to try the recommendations of the therapist.  Even when my ex speaks about herself she will say things that make more sense and I can tell they are being pulled from her therapy sessions. As long as she continues to work on improving and going to therapy I can't go NC.

[Clearmind]

You're not turning your back on her you are providing space for you.

[willtimeheal]

You're not turning your back on her you are providing space for you.

I don't understand. What do you mean providing space for me by going NC?  Won't that just fuel the fire?

[Clearmind]

You need space to heal. You are on the leaving board - you have labelled her your ex. At what stage are going to work on you? And can you work on you while you are saving her

[Infared]

I am going to give some tough love here. It was given to me when I really needed it.

WTH... .I see you as totally codependently attached to this person. Every thought that you have about you depends on her, first. That is what I am getting when I read this thread, if I am being brutally honest.  This is very unhealthy for you and repeatedly painful place to be. I was like this, too and I needed some perspective from outside myself. I went and found a good T and a self-help group. I needed to change if there was any help for a less painful future for me. I did not know how to take care of me, first. This is not being selfish, either. I needed to detach completely and work on me. Tough self honesty is the cornerstone for change, but we usually don't get there until we have had enough pain.