Long time poster, new to the "Leaving" board

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been on these boards for a while, first just reading, then got pretty active with posting.  My story with my uBPDxgf is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228056.0 We broke up on Sunday and this time I am almost completely certain that it is for good.

I'm just posting to say I'm on Day 4 of NC and now it's really started to get hard.  The first couple days I felt okay.  I reconnected with a lot of the people she had cut me off from.  I realized how healthy this decision is for me.  I said "Okay, now I can move on with my life."  But yesterday and today have been incredibly hard.  I wake up in the morning feeling sick to my stomach and just miss her so much.  We blocked each other in every which way on social media, etc so I'm not tempted there to try and see what she's up to.  But why would I even want to? I need to move on!

I guess after the first two days I thought it wasn't going to be hard, but you know what?  It is REALLY, REALLY HARD.  I'm trying to live my life but I feel like she ripped something out of me and I need to rebuild.  I'm committed to maintaining NC and getting on with my life, but I can't get her off of my mind.  I know that being with her would put me in an even worse place in the big picture (even though it might feel good for the short term) but that is not an option for me if I want to have a healthy life. 

It was only 6 months with her but it feels like a years-long relationship, with the deep connection I THOUGHT we had.  Are there any words of wisdom for being strong and taking care of myself to move on in a healthy way? Thank you all. 

[StayOrLeave15]

I've been on these boards for a while, first just reading, then got pretty active with posting.  My story with my uBPDxgf is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228056.0 We broke up on Sunday and this time I am almost completely certain that it is for good.

I'm just posting to say I'm on Day 4 of NC and now it's really started to get hard.  The first couple days I felt okay.  I reconnected with a lot of the people she had cut me off from.  I realized how healthy this decision is for me.  I said "Okay, now I can move on with my life."  But yesterday and today have been incredibly hard.  I wake up in the morning feeling sick to my stomach and just miss her so much.  We blocked each other in every which way on social media, etc so I'm not tempted there to try and see what she's up to.  But why would I even want to? I need to move on!

I guess after the first two days I thought it wasn't going to be hard, but you know what?  It is REALLY, REALLY HARD.  I'm trying to live my life but I feel like she ripped something out of me and I need to rebuild.  I'm committed to maintaining NC and getting on with my life, but I can't get her off of my mind.  I know that being with her would put me in an even worse place in the big picture (even though it might feel good for the short term) but that is not an option for me if I want to have a healthy life. 

It was only 6 months with her but it feels like a years-long relationship, with the deep connection I THOUGHT we had.  Are there any words of wisdom for being strong and taking care of myself to move on in a healthy way? Thank you all. 

[seeking balance]

 

Welcome to Leaving, I am sincerely sorry you have found your way here.

These breakups can be hard.  Rule of thumb, be really kind to yourself... .make sure you eat, exercise, sleep, be around safe/healthy friends... .treat yourself with kid gloves.

For me, the thing that helped me stay grounded and NC the most was article 9. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I literally printed out a copy of it and carried it around and read any time I thought about breaking NC.  There are some workshops on each of the 10 False Beliefs on this board as well.

Hang in there,

SB

[StayOrLeave15]

Thank you Seeking Balance.  That is a very helpful article. 

I am sitting here looking in the mirror telling myself I am better off without her.  But the pain and emptiness that I feel inside myself is unbearable.  I now know that there was a hole inside myself before I met this girl, and I thought she filled it.  If it weren't for that, I would have been long gone so much earlier - looking back there were red flags left and right  .

But that doesn't change things.  I have never felt such a sense of loss.  I also know that she is just few minutes or a text message away.  She would probably see me or answer, but I know that doing that will make me only so much worse off. 

I have a history of depression in the past and I feel the symptoms of it lurking.  It starts with a general malaise in my body and a lack of motivation and detachment from life and its activities.  I'm trying hard to fight it but it is a strong feeling coming over me.  Getting over the illusion of this relationship seems to be an insurmountable task and I don't know how much pain will be there in the journey.  I need to sit with these feelings of loss rather than numb them, but I also cannot let them take over my life.  This relationship was never something real.  It just felt that way.  But that doesn't make it any easier to get over, at least not right now... .

[patientandclear]

Stayorleave:

I followed your story on the other board(s). I honestly think you are making the only ultimately smart and healthy choice. But I can also say it is a constant battle for me to maintain my own confidence that the same is true in my case. Almost all of us feel/felt as you describe here. Incredible depression and lethargy for other tasks. Near panic or outright panic at the feeling that the chance of being with them is slipping past. Doubt that things will ever feel as good or as meaningful. Intense second-guessing.

The most comforting thing to me is to see that these responses are completely expected and predictable. They are not clues that the choice to make a change is wrong. They seem to be a necessary passage from the strange lands we've been in, to a place where we can remember the beauty of life without them.

Hugs. It's super hard, you are not alone, and it's like deciding not to get high, so consider us your sponsors. Write and write. It helps to explain and then hear how others have dealt with that feeling.

[myself]

You might feel you're freezing up, but you're really thawing out?

[StayOrLeave15]

Thank you for your compassionate responses.  Patientandclear, it really is the only healthy choice I can make.  The pain is so incredibly difficult but being with her is only harder.  Knowing she is so close is so difficult.  I am seriously considering going on a trip to another country to put distance between us, but I worry that I will just go away and be miserable. 

Perhaps it's best to just sit with the pain and get through it.  I have to be strong though.  NC is so hard to maintain.  I had her number up on my phone today and was so close to calling.  It took so much not to.  I called all of my friends I could think of just to talk to someone else and to try and get my mind off of it.  But then I end up talking to them about her.  Maybe that's part of the healing.  I've started talking to two other girls that I will likely go on dates with but it is really just another distraction and I feel bad that perhaps I am leading them on.  But then again maybe something will come of them and I have been honest with them about everything. 

The weekends are the hardest because I imagine her going out and being with someone else.  I told one of my friends this and she said, "Yes and you should feel bad for whatever guy this is because she is going to put him through what you're going through."  But I still hate the idea of it.  I miss her in my arms and I feel like I have lost my best friend.  It really helps to post here, so I am going to keep writing.

Myself - maybe I am thawing out.  It is a process to get over someone, and pwBPD really make you feel like you have an incredible connection that you can't find anywhere else.  But I know I can find a healthy relationship or be at peace with being single for a while.  I just have to get through this... .

[Narellan]

Hi SOL15, no words of wisdom from me. It's your own journey and you will get through it with hard work and discipline. You know my story by now, and even though its 5 months nc ( longer than I was with him) I still have him in my head almost every minute of every day. That being said, I've managed now to change my thought patterns... .If I start reminiscing I say to myself " oh well, that's gone now" and try to be in the present. It's working. I haven't cried now for about 2 weeks and took myself away for a week to a tropical paradise. Just me and the beach, and I felt happy for the first time in months. He is still in my thoughts, but I've managed to attach different feeling to them now. The pain is almost gone. I started a new job yesterday which I love and I'm starting to feel better.

What helps the most is that he's leaving me be now. Due to my continual nc and never reacting to anything I believe he got bored and moved on. Last phone call 11th July which I ignored.

It's such a hard process and every part of me was screaming to connect with him, but I'm so glad I ignored that longing. I feel so much stronger now, and you will too.

It's all the little decisions that help. Like not checking their fb updates or not answering the door or phone. And trying to rebuild your self esteem.

You're in my thoughts xx