I started to get worried. So I answered...

[BacknthSaddle]

OK. So this is probably closer to the truth. I want her to be better for me. I want it for her too but that is not likely. I want to be with the her that I think she could be without all the mental health issues. I want her to be able to treat me with live and caring and respect. That is not possible for her. She simply does not have the capacity. Probably never will. That us the sad truth. There is nothing I can do but protect myself. I was very happy before I talked to her. Content in a way I haven't been in a long time. I have a weakness towards her. She is my main weakness. I have worked really hard on my boundary issues and have been able to implement that across my life. With her, I can't. She is a master manipulator. Incredibly smart. And incredibly damaged. And toxic for me. She will destroy me if I let it happen.

You nailed it dude.  You don't love "her:" you love an idea of "her."  It's not real though.  The reality is something you know you want no part of.  Love yourself. 

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks. I'm now more concerned about my mental health. I have not been well since we spoke. I'm back to feeling like she is the answer to my pain now, not the opposite, which is way more true.

Here's the situation for the past 2 years.

Me: Been NC for a few months... .starting to feel better, way better. Sleeping well. Feeling good.

She: Contacts me.

Me: I ignore. Still feel fine.

She: Ramps up contact.

Me: I cave thinking something has changed

She: 'Just wants to catch up' (yeah right... .)

Me: Fall for the trap and then feel like h$ll.

She: Begs me not to go NC and tells me she will always contact me.

Me: Struggling again, in total agony thinking getting back together with her will stop the agony. But, this only prolongs it.

Long story short: I feel good. She contacts. I cave. I feel horrible and think the only way to stop the pain is to be with her.

The truth though is that I feel good WITHOUT HER. She CAUSES the pain.

Why am I so stupid? I fall for this over and over and over again. I literally felt great on Tuesday. Seriously. Better than I have felt in a very, very long time. And I did that BECAUSE she was not in my life. Not the other way around. I was the best I had been in a very long time BECAUSE I thought she was GONE, not back.

[Infared]

Yeah. Thanks. I'm now more concerned about my mental health. I have not been well since we spoke. I'm back to feeling like she is the answer to my pain now, not the opposite, which is way more true.

Here's the situation for the past 2 years.

Me: Been NC for a few months... .starting to feel better, way better. Sleeping well. Feeling good.

She: Contacts me.

Me: I ignore. Still feel fine.

She: Ramps up contact.

Me: I cave thinking something has changed

She: 'Just wants to catch up' (yeah right... .)

Me: Fall for the trap and then feel like h$ll.

She: Begs me not to go NC and tells me she will always contact me.

Me: Struggling again, in total agony thinking getting back together with her will stop the agony. But, this only prolongs it.

Long story short: I feel good. She contacts. I cave. I feel horrible and think the only way to stop the pain is to be with her.

The truth though is that I feel good WITHOUT HER. She CAUSES the pain.

Why am I so stupid? I fall for this over and over and over again. I literally felt great on Tuesday. Seriously. Better than I have felt in a very, very long time. And I did that BECAUSE she was not in my life. Not the other way around. I was the best I had been in a very long time BECAUSE I thought she was GONE, not back.

Willy... I am an addict, in recovery. 12 years. I am far from perfect and have many issues... .but I am aware and working on them.

Now... I am not trying to make fun of this situation at all... .but if you read your last post, you could just as well insert, gambling, heroin, alcohol, spending, etc.etc... for "her"

Same cycle. Addiction. YOU are continually going back to something that is destroying you.

(Or doing what we call the short version of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results).  Maybe a self help group of some kind, like alanon (for co-dependents), would help you have more awareness, and give you real tools to help you evolve out of this behavior. it takes EFFORT, but we can change!

I feel for ya... .I know where you are right now.  

[seeking balance]

Yeah. Thanks. I'm now more concerned about my mental health. I have not been well since we spoke. I'm back to feeling like she is the answer to my pain now, not the opposite, which is way more true.

Why am I so stupid? I fall for this over and over and over again. I literally felt great on Tuesday. Seriously. Better than I have felt in a very, very long time. And I did that BECAUSE she was not in my life. Not the other way around. I was the best I had been in a very long time BECAUSE I thought she was GONE, not back.

Willy,

Let it go... .stop focusing on it.  You have created a pattern where you beat yourself up for contact.  You have handled this pain several times before and got to feeling better - focus on that rather than your pain.

This too shall pass and you will feel better again - reviewing your posts since you have been here proves that.  Reread your own journey.

What helped you in the past?  Focus there.

SB

[willy45]

Thanks  SB,

Really appreciate it. What has helped me in the past:

1) drawing a boundary and sticking to it.

2) therapy

3) focusing on my work

4) exercise

5) fun

Really though, the only thing that has worked is NC.

[KeepOnGoing]

I don't know why, Willy, but when I run, I am in much better spiritual and mental health with this BPD thing. I don't know why, but the days I run, I feel better. If you're a runner - RUN. If not, try it.

[Mr Hollande]

I don't know why, Willy, but when I run, I am in much better spiritual and mental health with this BPD thing. I don't know why, but the days I run, I feel better. If you're a runner - RUN. If not, try it.

A good friend, colleague and ex-marine once said to me. "I do my best thinking when I'm running". Simple but so true. Running is meditation.

[KeepOnGoing]

I don't know why, Willy, but when I run, I am in much better spiritual and mental health with this BPD thing. I don't know why, but the days I run, I feel better. If you're a runner - RUN. If not, try it.

A good friend, colleague and ex-marine once said to me. "I do my best thinking when I'm running". Simple but so true. Running is meditation.

Yes, and I also think it's about doing something - anything - that feels healthy for myself. It takes real thought and effort to go out for a run. It just feels good, and there's something psychological about getting the body MOVING.

[willy45]

So... .Here is my issue.

I have all the information I need.

I texted yesterday saying I was really worried about her. She texted back 'why worry?' I told her that dome things she said had me really concerned about her. She said she was fine but going through a life transition, trying to figure out who she is.

The data points just keep adding up. In her own words: rage triggers, compartmentalization, dissacossiation, no impulse control, complete disregard for my boundaries, and now identity issues. This combined with other things I do know: hospitalized for bulimia in her 20's, serial cheating on past boyfriends, and on and on.

I have all the data. She is undiagnosed but told me she was once diagnosed with bipolar. I have PTSD or something like it.

Here is MY issue. I have all the data. More than enough data. She is not well. And I am probably the only person in the world that truly understands this. I am terrified right now. I have all the symptoms of being in a long term, emotionally abusive relationship. I think that before, I thought she did all this stuff on purpose. Now, I know for a fact that she doesn't. It's much worse. Much, much worse. She has mental problems. And she can't NOT do that. It is not in her capacity.

So why am I still drawn in? Here are the ugly facts about me:

1) sex was awesome, super awesome and I haven't really found that again.

2) we both work at very high levels of government in the same field for the same reasons. Totally interested in the same things. I am very smart and multi talented. She is one of the few people I have met that can keep up.

3) I am jealous of her job ( sort of... .I would never switch in a million years, her day to day sucks and her job is terrible but she has a lot of power. I guess I am jealous of the opportunities in front of her, or at least the perceived opportunities. But I also know for a fact that she HATES her job and it is slowly killing her).

Phew. Thanks for listening. Writing this out really helped.

[BacknthSaddle]

Willy,

I started a thread called "Acceptance" over the weekend about this very issue: having all the data you need but having difficulty moving on regardless.  Like you the physical element in my relationship was very intoxicating (although we had virtually no mutual interests and little in common outside of work), but it is really unlikely that that alone is the answer to why you are having difficulty. 

[LuckyNicki]

Willy,

It is soo scary! My udBPDexex said the exact same thing.  That she "compartmentalizes" love.   She told me that her love for me is in a "storage" and that she compartmentalizes things. 

what the heck? 

Its like they are aware of what they are, they just dont know its BPD... .

[willy45]

Agreed. The statements are the same throughout this site. It is very odd and disorienting. Same words. Same experiences. Its quite sad. For me, what makes this so hard and bizarre is that I never really wanted to be with her in the first place. There were things I loved. But with every major time period spent with her, I wanted out. I still do! Its crazy on my part.

Getting better though... .Thanks all.