still stuck

[dancinginthelight]

well I have not posted for a long time, mainly just lurking around the forums.

It has been over 2 years now since the ex pd devalued and discarded me like trash.

I am ashamed to say that I have still not recovered from this.  It still hurts as deeply

today as it did 2 years ago.  He has since married and seems to be really happy now.

From all the smearing campaign from the ex, saying that I am mentally ill and a psychopath,

I feel I am unable to recover from the shock.

[Popcorn71]

I understand how you feel.  It is almost a year for me and although I am doing well, I don't think I will ever recover from this completely.

Try not to let it affect your life too much though.  I tell myself I mustn't let him win by ruining my future as he tried to ruin my past.  Hopefully one day we will feel better and they will be a dim and distant memory.

[Mutt]

seems to be really happy now.

I agree with seems. He may be distorting that he's happy for now. It's a disorder triggered by intimacy.

From all the smearing campaign from the ex, saying that I am mentally ill and a psychopath

He felt engulfed when he started smearing and likely projecting himself. I'm sorry  I can relate with BPD smear campaigns it is so difficult. If he's not working on his issues the same thing will repeat. The next person will be devalued and the cycle continues.

Where do you feel you stuck?

[huhhuh]

Hi Dancing

I know how you feel. It's 1½ Years for me and I thought it would be a lot easier to recover from this.

She was everything I wanted in a girl and we connected perfect. We are two souls connected as one. It was properly the mirroring but none the less still a very powerful emotional experience that is very hard to forget. And then the huge betrayal afterwards hurts like hell.

I don't have any other advise that you shouldn't feel ashamed. It is very hard to move on after all this.

[MommaBear]

seems to be really happy now.

I agree with seems. He may be distorting that he's happy for now. It's a disorder triggered by intimacy.

THIS. This fact keeps me anchored to reality during those dark moments. Yes. Intimacy triggers BPD, so you know it's a ticking time bomb. You know it's not all sunshine and roses. I worked hard to hide the reality of my marriage, and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I worked hard on appearances.

Sometimes the victim is so ashamed, they project a different reality of the relationship. I did. Don't believe what you see. Intimacy is a trigger, and because of that no relationship will ever bring them peace. EVER.

[Lucky Jim]

Like MommaBear, I was pretending that things were OK in my marriage to a pwBPD, when they were definitely not OK.  It's hard for others to grasp what it's really like on the inside of a BPD r/s.  Outsiders have no idea what she is really like, so they believed it when she painted me black.  So What?  I know what the truth is and am moving on, without the BPD albatross hanging around my neck. 

My suggestion, dancinginthelight, is for you to remind yourself of the dark days, the insane moments, the drama, the conflicts and the abuse, and then you might count yourself lucky to be out of the r/s.  I know that I do.

LuckyJim

[dancinginthelight]

Suppose where I still feel stuck is wondering if the exbf has a PD or maybe he just wanted to be

done with me.   He did alot of love bombing in the beginning of r/s, then became passive aggressive,

then just discarded me as if I never existed.   I have had r/s's in the past that ended and I was ok

and got on with life.  After 2 years since this r/s, I do still feel alot of pain.

Mostly its because while I was with the ex, he kept me away from his family.  would not take me to visit

his parents, even though I had met his mother briefly at a christianing.  She made me feel welcome and told

me I could visit anytime.  I was with him for 4 years.  He only knew the new woman that he married for a few

months and she had everyone of his family on her facebook.  I was not allowed to do this. Just makes me feel

like there is something wrong with me. 

[camuse]

I experienced very similar - very reluctant to introduce me to family and friends, but insisted all mine knew about her from the outset - but I think it was because she knew, deep down, it couldn't last. Not because there was something wrong with me, but because she felt too strongly about me and it scared her. She commented briefly on this at the end, saying it was because she was embarrassed that people wouldn't take us seriously, but I think my analysis was near the real truth.

The one thing still sits in my mind too - what if she wasn't BPD, what if there was nothing wrong with her at all, and it was indeed me who wrecked everything. But then I remember her actions, and remind myself it doesn't really matter whether you label it or not - if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you can assume it's a duck. And even when I was in the wrong in some minor way, it didn't justify such insane overreactions and barmy behaviour.

[Mutt]

I agree with camuse. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. I can choose which types of behaviors that is acceptable to me and if I choose to react to that behavior or not. Boundaries.

I look at the negative personality traits and behaviors. Is it toxic? Is someone that uses emotional blackmail acceptable to me or not? Someone that changes reality often is a signs of mental illness.

The fundamental behaviors that impact me negatively is where I draw the line. Irregardless if they are undiagnosed / diagnosed - treated / untreated BPD, narcissistic, bi-polar or whatever. The same goes for non-disordered persons in my life as well.

Looking at actions and not the words they say helped me a lot. How someone behaves by their actions is where I see the truth. Words carry much less weight.