Hi... I'm new here.

[Kimmom]

Hello, I'm a mom to a 20 year old daughter with BPD w/attention disorder and narcissistic disorder.  She has been diagnosis since she was 16.  It was easier when she was in HS because we had her in treatment.  She is brilliant which is good and bad.  She graduated a year early from HS.  In HS there were so many problems... .she created such chaos at school and at home.  She left to go to a Christian college a long way from home after HS.  We were hoping that would be a good place for her to be.

It didn't help.  We weren't blind or stupid.  We knew what she was doing behind our backs.  She had started in HS.  I had heard from members at church what she was telling them.  It just seemed the farther she got away from us, the bigger the lies and manipulation she told.  She was telling everyone we were abusive parents, and that was just the beginning.

Her first year of college passed and her second year was about to start.  We bought her a new computer for her birthday.  She left the old one at home.  We looked at the old computer and began seeing just how awful the stories were that she had been telling her college.  She even told them she didn't think she could continue there because we were not helping her financially.  We were paying all her bills.  She told them that we didn't want her to go to a Christian college and that's why weren't going to help her.  She was in her first car accident in Fall 2012, her second just a month after.  The first was just a minor parking scrape.  Her car needed mechanical repairs so we paid $900.  Her car accident she told us someone had hit her while she was driving.  We paid the deductible to get the car fixed.  When she came home for Christmas 2012, it became very difficult.  She would make a mess every where in our home and not clean up after herself.  She would take my car without asking.  She would sleep all day and stay up late. She was disrespecting my husband and I nonstop.  She started attacking me as a person.  Nothing I said or did was okay.  If I tried to correct her as I should being a mother, she said I was attacking her.  If I would hug or touch her she would say I was annoying her.  

My husband and I grew so tired of her constantly bashing us and disrespecting us.  We told her she had to change and we cut her off financially.  The day she left to go back to college, the Dean called me.  She said the car accident was my daughter's fault.  She had hit and left the scene.  They said she had been telling them that we had been abusive and that social services was involved.  Also that we didn't want her to go to a Christian college.  She said we didn't care anything about her.  The Dean said when I started calling earlier that year because I was worried about her they became suspicious.  They called social services to see if what my daughter said was true.  Of course there were never any files on my husband or myself.  From then on the college tried to work with her to change and for her to mend our relationship.  I tried so hard and called all the time.  My daughter was unwilling to change.  She decided leaving college was a better solution.  

In November 2012 my sister had committed suicide.  My mom also committed suicide in 1993, so that is really been hard on me this year.  My daughter kept telling me I wasn't a Christian because I said on Facebook "I don't know how I can go on".  She thought I should just get over it and be okay if I was a true Christian.  My daughter to get out of college faked a suicide attempt.  She told everyone she took 52 pills.  When they pumped her stomach in the hospital, there was nothing in it.  Her blood work also showed nothing in her system.  It almost killed me.  Right after that, she told me she wanted nothing to do with us.  She has only contacted us about three times since then and only if she needs something.  She changed her phone number, blocked us on Facebook.

I decided I would do anything and everything to try and get her back.  I have written her emails.  In the emails I have said everything from telling her how we were hurt (in the beginning), to apologizing for anything and everything I could have done wrong, to begging her to give me a chance.  I tell her I love her and we could start off small and that we miss her and love her so much.  I've tried asking what she wants for Christmas to telling her what's going on.  Nothing is working.  I'm so scared and my heart is broken in a million pieces.  

She has been in two other car accidents, both times the car has been totaled.  The second one she got hurt in.  I learned that BPD are reckless drivers.  I have a few people that are friends with her on Facebook and will tell me when something bad has happened.  I'm scared if something bad happens and she doesn't post on Facebook, I will never know.  I don't know what to do.  My husband and son tell me I just need to let go... .and I so wish I could.  My kids are all I have left.  

She was misdiagnosis with JRA when she was in 6th grade.  She has had several doctors tell her she is okay.  She insists she isn't.  She wears braces on both hands and ankles.  This in turn will just hurt her.  She is so stubborn, and is very manipulative.  She had teachers at college making special assignments for her because of her "JRA".

This is just a tip of the iceberg of my daughter and what I live with.  I really wanted grandchildren and now I can't see that happening.  I miss her so much and just don't know what to do.  This has tore my heart out and about killed me.  (Sorry So Long)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Kimmom,

  First, I'd like to give you a hug!    I really feel the pain your daughter has caused you!  I also have a daughter(17) who has ADHD and BPD.  Mine also has loose joint syndrome, and she has had many other strange illnesses for which there is no apparent cause.  And my husband and I have also suffered from public defamation of character, thanks to our daughter.  So, I really do know the hurt and pain you're going through.

I'm so glad you found us!  I assure you, there is hope. This site is loaded with the latest information, tools, and lots and lots of caring, supportive people who are dealing with very similar issues.  When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

There are others on the Parenting Board who have also lost contact with their BPD child, so there are plenty of ears to vent to.  I do hope you'll join us there.  And please, never worry about making long posts.  The more we know about you and your story, the better we can help.

Hang in there, Kimmom.  You're part of our family now.   

[free-n-clear]

   Hello, Kimmom. I'd like to join with HealingSpirit in welcoming you to our not-so-little family.

   I'm so sorry that you have had to endure so much pain and anguish due to your daughter's BPD/ADD/NPD behaviours. I'm a parent of a young adult daughter too, so I understand how heartbreaking it must be for you and your husband.   I'm so glad you've found your way to this site, though, as we have many members in situations very much like yours, and they share with, learn from and support each other. For many people here, just the knowledge that they're not alone; that others are dealing with the same issues and genuinely understand, makes a big difference.

 

    We have many resources like the ones HealingSpirit linked for you to draw upon, but perhaps our greatest resource is the members themselves. You'll find with the members on our Parenting board a genuine warmth and sense of community. They'll take you under their wing and make you comfortable as you find your feet here. You're among understanding friends here, Kimmom. Welcome Aboard! 

   free'n'clear.

[Kimmom]

Thanks... . 

This is a very rocky journey with many holes and no valleys yet.  I appreciate the other sites.  It will be nice to talk to someone who understands this... . 

[lever.]

Hello Kinmom

My post on your other thread seems a bit inadequate now, having read the full story.

Valerie Porr's book is excellent though.

I hava also had the character assassinations.

I learned to say to myself "they can take your reputation but not your true character-and very often the truth comes out in the end.

[MammaMia]

Welcome Kimmon

We are so glad you are here.  I am sorry for what your dd is putting you and your family through.  This type of behavior is typical with BPD. This mental disorder devastates families, and your story is not unusual.  We have all been there.  The best advice is to seek help for yourself.  You cannot change your dd's behavior, but you can change how you react to it.  This is a very important part of self-care.

Your dd is an adult, and, unfortunately, you are very limited in what you can do to help her.  Many of us believe this is a mistake when dealing with mental illness, but it is the law. 

BPDF is a wonderful resource for families.  We are here to listen and offer support.  We understand EXACTLY what you are dealing with.  Please keep posting and let us help... .it is what we do. 

Thank you for joining us.  We look forward to hearing from you.