Connecting BPD traits to my past

[Mutt]

It was suggested by a member that I post here about a family member - my adoptive father. A man that I unconditionally love with bizarre behaviors and a great source of pain and suffering over the years. The more that I started to learn about my wife's BPD traits and sorting through my FOO - I  could see and connect dots from the here and now to the past. When I think of my dad I recall him saying once "I'm an enigma."  which makes me think of Churchill and Russia "Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma." That's how I feel about BPD traits and how confusing and painful the whole thing is. I'm not sure who is more painful my wife or my dad. One is a mutual love the other unconditional. One I can divorce the other not so much. Both are a part of my life and both cannot see the good in me as hard as I try.

A quick overview of the early past. I was adopted in 1974 at 6 months. I can recall memories as far back as 3. There's not much to say about him before mom's death. He worked out of town a lot. I can sense that he loved me and there wasn't any strange like or intense behaviors.

1983 my adoptive mother died of Hodgkin 's Disease in her early 30's. I'm the oldest followed by my brother and sister. I was 8 years old. My dad was gone after she died. He worked a lot out of town, we were left with family and sitters. We'd see him on weekends and this went on for about a year and he met my step mother. He was dating and introduced us to her and she moved in with her kids. 2 daughters - one older than I and the other younger.

I felt abandoned after my mom's death because he didn't talk about what had happened and was just gone all of the time. I then felt anger and resentment that my mother was being replaced without saying much to us. It was confusing. My dad had a substantial amount of money from my mom's death insurance and sold his house in Eastern Canada and we moved to close to the Pacific Ocean in Western Canada - a big transition. All of my adoptive mothers family was back home and I never saw the again. She had 2 brothers and her parents. My grandmother died a couple of years after the move. In a matter of weeks  my grandfather died and her eldest brother 6 months after my grandfather. My godfather is the only one that remains on that side. Each time one of the past my dad simply said " Mutt grandmother died" that's it. My father is not a man that expresses emotions or seems to have empathy for others. Granted his spouse died and was left with 3 young kids and he was likely scared, uncertain of his future but he never showed it outwardly. He's in his mid sixties now and seems like he's the exact same man from back then - little to no growth.

I was 10 she we moved to BC and my father is a very controlling man. I wasn't allowed to leave the house and meet up with friends. His reason was that I may fall into the wrong crowd. He bought a franchise with my deceased mothers insurance. He lost that within a matter of 4 years. He is not one to be told what to do and he had to go to court for breaking franchisee rules. Anyway he worked long hours which I liked because he wasn't around the house. He wasn't trying to be controlling and denigrating me with words like "Mutt your stupid". He doesn't have patience and gets frustrated easily.

I went out a lot with friends and had fun and life was easy - dad was at work and he was manageable. 1988 he lost his business and was shutdown. He sold that house and we moved to Alberta in a more modest house. I was 14 then and life changed my dad didn't work for a year. The 1980's and there was a boom where I live.

I already mentioned control but my dad felt even more controlling without being able to get away with him. I wasn't allowed to receive or send phone calls to friends. I was 14. Curfew was 8PM on weekends same curfew I had when my adoptive mother died, he always criticized me and my friends. We were teens and teens are growing and have a high metabolism rate - he put a padlock on the fridge.

He has narcissistic traits. He bought season tickets to the NHL franchise and went to every game yet didn't have decent clothes for the kids. He left for a trip to Hawaii a year later and left us behind -  Christmas of 89. We were watching ourselves for Christmas week. It felt like I was  just around the house and he didn't see pay attention to us.

I was going out with friends because well - we're social creatures but i didn't want to go back home to be around dad. I'd be late on my curfew and he'd lock me out of the house in Canadian winters. It would be minus 30 Celsius 38.8 degrees -22 Fahrenheit. This went on from the age of 14 to 15, a month after my birthday in January. I'd sleep in the family van in the garage - a Ford Aerostar. I'd turn the heater on because it was so cold.

I was resentful because of the death of my mother, the integration of a new family. I was tired of it all, the denigration, lack of attention, selfishness and control. Anything I did I did wrong.  I'd call him on his behavior because it's a part of my personality and we would get in terrible fights. Yelling, screaming and pushing matches. The man was relentless and wouldn't budge. You had to succumb - there was no other way.

A month after my 15th birthday I went out with friends and drank. I didn't come home. I didn't want to come home. It was fights or relentless control. I stayed at my friends house and returned home. It was winter, cold and he had locked the door and wouldn't let me in. I grabbed a hockey stick and was banging on the door. He was stalling. I expected the cops to show up and they did 15 minutes later. He had told them "I was an out of control teenager".

So I was processed into an emergency shelter. Followed by a foster home and finally a group home until I was the age of 16. Legally I had to leave and live on my own. I've been on my own since 16. My father to this day still views me as the kid when I was 15 - undervalued 25 years later. The following years were hard. 15 years after being split black I met another Queen / Witch my wife. I feel like people with PD traits are moths to my flame - why?

I'll stop here for now. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Turkish]

Wow, Mutt, that's a hell of a story. It takes a really strong person to be on their own as an adult at 16. It sounds like you had a little fun with your buddies, as teenagers are wont to do no matter what's going on at home, but overall, it sounds like you were robbed of your childhood.

Being attracted to PDs or dysfunction makes sense, in a sick way. We don't know what we don't know, and even if we can see it, maybe it's so unfamiliar at an emotional level that it's easier to stick with what's known.

Most notably missing from the story is your father's new wife. It sounds like she didn't stand up for her step children. That must also have made you additionally resentful on top of her being your mother's replacement.

Your father sounds a lot like the Narcissistc King. From Lawson:

"Fantasy plays an important role in the emotional life of the King father. Lachkar (1992) suggests that the narcissist creates a “delusional world of entitlement fantasies . . . and grandiose expectations”

You say he still views you as a kid, but it sounds like you have contact boundaries to protect yourself at this point.

[Mutt]

We had fun. That same Aerostar we took for a joyride we chalked up lines so we parked it in the garage so my dad wouldn't notice. Silly me he noticed the mileage. I had memories attached to that van. Many nights i slept in it.

I didn't want inundate the thread with too much but you're correct. My step mom is another sore point. She said she didn't like boys because she had girls when she moved in. It wasn't fun and there was a lot of friction when they moved in.

You could sense that my dads kids were not a part of her clan. She paid more attention to her two daughters and didn't pay much attention to us. Such a strange dynamic thinking about it now. Mom dies - dad abandons to return with a new partner and then neglects us again. So dysfunctional.

I never thought of it that way robbed of my childhood. That makes sense. The first 8 years and the impact that my adoptive mom had was enough of an impression to press on. I had this conversation with my sister over the weekend. My mom knew  she was dying and very ill for a year and a half before she passed. I told her there could of been another factor that she was scared to leave us with my dad.

Being attracted to PDs or dysfunction makes sense, in a sick way. We don't know what we don't know, even if we can see it.

This makes a lot of sense Turk. Thank you for this.

Getting back to my step-mom yes. It triggered a lot of resentment and anger with her for not supporting her step children. It felt like two camps. I resented my step sisters as well because at least they got some sort of attention.

Turkish I thank you. Yes he sounds like a narcissistic king. I never saw it this way until now. He treated me like he didn't like me as if I wasn't there. I would get rejected persistently if I went to him - father son stuff. He rejected it. I didn't feel love from him - my step mom did have moments of caring and kindness and I reconciled with her years later.

I don't have contact boundaries per se. He's clear across the country and he rarely calls and same for myself. The reason why is because I can't talk to him for more than two minutes on the phone. I actually look at the timer on my cellphone and sure enough it's usually under two. He rushes me off of the phone.

I wanted to connect with him and tell him how his son was doing. This last year was brutal compared to anything else I had gone through. I just know that he doesn't reciprocate or validate what I'm trying to say. I just wanted to let him know. Dad I'm having a tough time with divorcing a borderline and custody battles in court with a cruddy lawyer and no money to get a better one. I felt like there was a chance that I may lose the fight for my kids - his grandkids. I was in a place then with a lot of tension and stress - hyper vigilance and not centered. I was scared of the Queen / Witch. I wasn't going to tell him exes PD stuff - people that haven't gone through an experience like it simply don't understand.

"This is really hard but I got this." I tried telling him this when he came out to my sisters over the Christmas Holidays 2013. Roughly 10 months after my wife split me black and abandoned me. I got shot down again. That really hurt. 40 years and your son is struggling like he never has before and I get shot down again. What is it going to take to get noticed?

[Turkish]

A deathbed "conversion" is certainly possible at some point, but it sounds like he is as stubbornly Him as he always was. Can you accept that?

[Mutt]

I can accept it. Yes he is a stubborn man i agree with you. Over the holidays back in Dec 13'  He never mentioned it to me but my SM did. My dad never took care of his health. Unhealthy life choices with his diet. He's diabetic for years. He's been complaining for several years with pain in his lower legs. She said they may need to amputate his legs. He called my sister two weeks ago. Acting strange like he was trying to confess his sins from our childhood. She couldn't make sense of it. He has blood clots and they found a spot on his lungs. It's going to get monitored but I told her it's not up to him when his time's up. I feel bad for him. For his health and how he could possibly pass and I wasn't part of the loop. It's all secondary information.

[Mutt]

oh boy - Dr. Sam Beckett

I had time to think and reflect. I contacted a family member to get her perspective on what was going on around the house. She agreed and felt the same way about my dad. Narcissistic, his needs came first, the house revolved around him and we were like objects.

It started to make me think were did this come from? He came from a family of 11 kids. His father and brother died in a plane crash in his early 20's. His brother was 14. My grandfather was an aviator hobbiest. Owned a Cessna. I didn't know him or the uncle. I was named after the uncle to carry his name. I was adopted at 6 months and the accident happened shortly after.

His mother is a point of contention in the family. I remember she had a real mean streak to her. I didn't like her watching me and my brother. She felt cold and distant. She was disciplinary. If she didn't like what my brother and I were doing, mostly being kids and goofing around she would take a meter stick to us.

Several of the family members talk about her like she was very difficult to grow up with. My dads eldest brother became her care taker. One aunt had several deep depressions because of her and mentioned having to go to therapy because of "mother". My grandmother passed away in my teens. I moved clear across the country and saw her twice from 10 to 14. I recall family members saying often that she was wanting sympathy and for people to feel bad for her.

The eldest brother had put her in an old folks home and sold her house. He was mainly the only one that visited her and would say "you know mother, she's trying to make us feel bad wanting sympathy for her" For years she had phantom pains and aches and was seeing doctors. If I had to attach memories to my grandmother - unfortunately that's mostly it. A miserable woman that people in the family have a hard time broaching the subject. If I had to use a word to describe her - waifish.

It didn't hit me until I started thinking about my dad. 25 years I hadn't put much thought into the environment I grew up in. I just wanted to walk away from it.

[livednlearned]

Mutt, you have had a lot of heartache in your life. Tragedy after tragedy, a lot of it at a very young age. So much cruelty from your father, too. Who locks their child out of the house in the winter? Canadian winters are seriously cold. What is your relationship like with your brothers and step sisters now?

When you come from such a seriously invalidating home -- where invalidation is all you know -- the intense idealization and validation that someone with BPD offers can feel intoxicating. You did not get this from your father, he could not give it to you, and probably never will. But you found it in someone else, even if only briefly. For me, I believe it was the intense validation I felt at the beginning of my relationships (not just with N/BPDxh, but with others with BPD traits) that I was attracted to. It was like I was walking around with an empty cup, and BPD men were walking around looking for a cup to fill.

Do you feel that you have grieved how deeply invalidating and neglectful your childhood was? I mean grief -- feeling it, not just reviewing it?

[Kwamina]

Hi Mutt

I see you've come to some new realizations and have linked your past with your father to your later problems with your wife. Like the other posters have already pointed out, you really have been through a lot and your father was quite cruel to you. I can really relate to the controlling aspect of his behavior, it sounds exactly like my mother.

I was 10 she we moved to BC and my father is a very controlling man. I wasn't allowed to leave the house and meet up with friends. His reason was that I may fall into the wrong crowd.

My childhood was unfortunately quite similar. The house felt like a prison, I wasn't allowed to leave yet couldn't stand the atmosphere in our 'home' which wasn't a real home at all. I was told things like 'You gotta stay home during the school holidays to do your homework'  ... .right... .only problem was that we don't have homework during the school holidays because it's the holidays.

I already mentioned control but my dad felt even more controlling without being able to get away with him. I wasn't allowed to receive or send phone calls to friends. I was 14. Curfew was 8PM on weekends same curfew I had when my adoptive mother died, he always criticized me and my friends.

This was one of the (many) things I found extremely frustrating, not being allowed to use the telephone. Even when I was on the phone she'd interfere by coming into my room, yelling to me from outside my room or just pick up the other telephone downstairs and start talking in the middle of my conversation. Another tactic she applied was giving me the silent or cold treatment after I had spoken to someone on the telephone to punish me. It was so frustrating and confusing and made me feel powerless because I knew I hadn't done anything wrong yet at the same time she always made me feel like I had done something wrong by talking to someone.

I must say that in spite of everything you've been through, you're a true survivor. It isn't easy at all being forced to be an adult at 16. You've clearly had your struggles but have really come a long way You sharing your story like this will also greatly help and inspire other members.

[workinprogress]

Mutt, you should feel very proud of yourself.  You grew up in hell, and you came out of it a decent person.

Keep digging into your past.  I stop, and re-experience my emotions from my youth, or allow myself to feel them for the first time.  I think it kind of frees me up.

I think back to times that my dad disrespected me and my friends and I had to hold in my anger.  I think of random rules he made out of the blue just to control what I do.

It was all so frustrating.  I found that all of this has hampered me later in life when it came to self-direction.  I had to get other people's approval or permission to proceed with what I wanted.

That was very unhealthy.

Keep us posted!

[Mutt]

So much cruelty from your father, too. Who locks their child out of the house in the winter? Canadian winters are seriously cold. What is your relationship like with your brothers and step sisters now?

Thank you. I agree it is cruel. I didn't understand that it was until I started grieving my relationship with my wife and learning about emotional abuse and personality disorder. My childhood was a "norm" for me.

I'm close to my youngest sister but it's difficult talking to her because she invalidates like my father. She's like him but not the same intensity. She is loving - her hearts in the right place but it's like talking to my dad. I'm close to my brother but I don't talk to him often enough. I can tell he is closed off and there are subjects you can't talk about like my deceased mother. He was close to her and I can tell it caused him a lot of pain.

My step-sister that is older than me lives far and I've become closer with her. She's emotionally mature and I can tell she has done some work in therapy. She mentioned she self validates and soothes herself. She's easy to talk to and I'm happy that I have been able to share some things with her. I'm careful with talking about the trauma we experienced. She left the house at an early age like myself, in fact none of the kids made it until 18 with the exception of my younger step sister. I have no clue why she stayed. My younger step sister had a brain aneurysm a few years back and she's not the same person. She posts a lot of angry / emotionally immature posts on FB. I don't like it. I have not talked to her much and she hasn't approached me. She lives far as well.

When you come from such a seriously invalidating home -- where invalidation is all you know -- the intense idealization and validation that someone with BPD offers can feel intoxicating. You did not get this from your father, he could not give it to you, and probably never will. But you found it in someone else, even if only briefly. For me, I believe it was the intense validation I felt at the beginning of my relationships (not just with N/BPDxh, but with others with BPD traits) that I was attracted to. It was like I was walking around with an empty cup, and BPD men were walking around looking for a cup to fill.

I agree livednlearned. It felt amazing. The idealization phase lasted for 5 months. If I could take sunshine and make a blanket and wrap myself in it. I was ALIVE. It made me forget about the pain from the past. I kept waiting for the idealization phase to come back. I waited for 7 years and up to the point of the break up for that woman to come back.

Do you feel that you have grieved how deeply invalidating and neglectful your childhood was? I mean grief -- feeling it, not just reviewing it?

I think that I did grieve some of it. When my wife left I felt like a pane of glass that had shattered in thousands of tiny pieces. I was on my back. I went through a lot through the years but this I didn't know how to deal with. The pain was too much. How do I continue? Thank god for my kids - they were a motivation.

It felt like a rupture but it simply wasn't pain from the break-up. It was from everything else. The death of my mother, conflict with my father and the death of a marriage. I didn't know how to piece everything back together. My wife left in February of 2013 and my biological mother told me in May of 2013 that my wife was BPD.

I Googled BPD and found bpdfamily and started reading and learning about BPD. I read words like FOO and didn't understand what that meant. Things started to make sense with the attraction with my ex and the issues of my past. I grieved the relationship and worked on my issues and I had a high-conflict custody battle. I figured I'll work on my family issues after I've worked through this because it's too much all together. I'll circle back later when I feel stronger and healed from the break-up.

Like the other posters have already pointed out, you really have been through a lot and your father was quite cruel to you. I can really relate to the controlling aspect of his behavior, it sounds exactly like my mother.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother Kwamina. I didn't realize how much I had gone through until I started grieving my ex. I'm a stubborn man, I pick myself back up and keep going well until the ex I didn't realize how controlling my father was until I started to understand my wife and her negative personality traits. I saw a connection that I did not understand.

This was one of the (many) things I found extremely frustrating, not being allowed to use the telephone. Even when I was on the phone she'd interfere by coming into my room, yelling to me from outside my room or just pick up the other telephone downstairs and start talking in the middle of my conversation. Another tactic she applied was giving me the silent or cold treatment after I had spoken to someone on the telephone to punish me. It was so frustrating and confusing and made me feel powerless because I knew I hadn't done anything wrong yet at the same time she always made me feel like I had done something wrong by talking to someone.

I don't recall telling anyone these details before because I was too ashamed and embarrassed. Telephones in the 80's didn't have displays. I would try to pick up the phone before my dad and I was able to talk to them for a minute. They would ask me "why is your dad being like that?" They could hear him in the background and I made excuses for him "don't pay attention to my dad he's just cranky"

It's so important to be able to hang out with your peers and simply lose yourself in being a kid. I just wanted to be with my friends.

I saw that my wife was controlling when I was examining the events of the last 7 years. She would disscociate and say that I was not sticking up for her with my sister. She even said that I would rather sleep with my sister than her. Very mean things but I didn't realize that she was controlling and trying to disconnect me from people that I had know for years - my sister. I connected that with my father when I was younger. He was controlling and disconnecting me from healthy relationships.

I must say that in spite of everything you've been through, you're a true survivor. It isn't easy at all being forced to be an adult at 16. You've clearly had your struggles but have really come a long way You sharing your story like this will also greatly help and inspire other members.

Thank you Kawnina. I agree being an adult at 16 isn't easy. I look at my past as a badge of honor. I used to look at it differently - shame and guilt were attached to it. I'm happy to give inspiration to others.

Mutt, you should feel very proud of yourself.  You grew up in hell, and you came out of it a decent person.

Keep digging into your past.  I stop, and re-experience my emotions from my youth, or allow myself to feel them for the first time.  I think it kind of frees me up.

Thank you workinprogress. I feel proud of myself. It took me 40 years to get there but I found the answers here on bpdfamily. I don't want to sound like I'm plugging the site. bpdfamily is special. I have never seen a place like this in real life or on the internet. The members and staff are what makes it special from their experiences and the answers that you find here. I didn't realize how truly bad things were. I also agree with you and that is good advice. It frees you up talking about it and re-experiencing it. I'm glad that I posted it feels like it's letting some of it go.

I think back to times that my dad disrespected me and my friends and I had to hold in my anger.  I think of random rules he made out of the blue just to control what I do.

It was all so frustrating.  I found that all of this has hampered me later in life when it came to self-direction.  I had to get other people's approval or permission to proceed with what I wanted.

That was very unhealthy.

I'm sorry about your father. I didn't realize my father was making random rules and the bottom line was for control. I felt lost for a long time after I left the house. No direction, unwanted from my father and deeply hurt.

I've had many tragedies. I developed coping skills due to my environment. An environment i couldn't control. The cards that I was dealt. I survived a narcissistic father, a wife that has BPD traits. I'm learning tools and ways to cope with both. The first half of my life was less than desirable. The bottom line I'm a good man. I can control the second half of my life knowing what I know now. I'm a survivor. I feel a calmness and confidence that I have not felt before. It's because I've started unraveling the realities of my past. A lot of shame and guilt doesn't belong to me. It's letting go of those pieces. I don't own them.

[Mutt]

I got a text last night and I think my sister projected. She sent me text last night saying that my dad has " psoriasis of the liver". He needs tests later to determine. Perhaps it's not so much emotions that she projected but she doesn't talk about feelings match. She's more the "get over it" type and she has also said for her it's hard to talk about emotions.

On a few occasions in the last couple of years it sounds like she has anger towards my dad. She hasn't really articulate her feelings well, if at all to be honest. I always get this sense that she wants to talk about him and the past. Over the summer I was with the kids visiting my sister, her my BIL and my nephews with the kids. I talked a little about my dad with H and he got triggered and said "Mutt why don't you let things go? It's the past" I was a little angry with him and upset.

He's hinted that he's having issues with my sister and that she's going through something in regards to my dad. That's why I say she projected because it feels like she wanted to talk to me. I'm the only one in the family that's open with talking about issues.

I was angry because I was invalidated and I felt like defending myself a little with saying "things have a way of coming out one way or the other" I really liked my BIL a lot and since the divorce I still love him. He's a BIL but he feels like family, a brother. He's smart and wise but I started to realize that I'm actually wiser than him and more emotionally mature perhaps. I just thought he was a little smarter and maybe I've outgrown him. I used to look up to him and now I don't as much. I see hints of dysfunction with my sister and him, whereas I didn't see this before because of who I was.

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about my dad. I feel like I should feel more. He hasn't called in many months and I find out through the family he has issues with his legs and where they may amputate them and now  psoriasis of the liver. I feel bad for him and I don't wish this on my dad because I do care for him unconditionally, not a love that was reciprocated. He really didn't have a good diet and didn't take care of himself for many years. These things tend to catch up to you or it could also because of his age. He's only 64. He could be in worse shape. I just feel like there's not much time left and it's not to say that he's going to pass soon. His diabetes is worse, possible amputation of the legs and then  psoriasis of the liver and couldn't make a phone call to his adopted son. I still love him, I always looked at him as my dad and not an adoptive father. I just don't know if he understands.

[Turkish]

So you're dealing with two things:

One, your lingering resentment over your one sister (who sounds like she may have some of your dad's traits); two, your feelings towards your emotionally unavailable dad.

It's hard to deal with our parents getting old and breaking down, even in a relatively healthy family. It sounds like none of them provided support for you during the past few years as your marriage was breaking down, and if anybody, they are the people to whom you should be able to turn to for support. You have a right to be resentful, especially given their invalidation of your feelings and situation. You've been through a lot, starting with your stbxw, fighting to get your kids back, and ongoing parenting issues. You've come out on top so far, SuperMutt! It would be nice to be able to show some vulnerability to family, though.

Given your upbringing, it sounds like you could never be vulnerable. Your sis sounds like she coped in a different way by perhaps mirroring your dad? You say your sister has issues. Your BIL is starting to feel this now, if he was blind before. If your sister is reaching out to you, it may be that she is ready to change. Perhaps this crisis is forcing her to do so, and it's a way of complimenting you. Maybe they didn't say it, or even consciously see it, but the fact that you are still surviving may tell them that you are very strong and mature. I'd personally take it as a compliment.

Your sister is still herself, though, even if she is showing vulnerability, so keep up those boundaries if you decide to engage with her emotionally.

As for your dad, I can't say much. He sounds like a crusty old man, set in his ways. Do what you feel is comfortable. This may sound cold, but you have a family of your own, Little People who depend on you, and they (and you!) are your primary responsibility, no?

[livednlearned]

I really liked my BIL a lot and since the divorce I still love him. He's a BIL but he feels like family, a brother. He's smart and wise but I started to realize that I'm actually wiser than him and more emotionally mature perhaps. I just thought he was a little smarter and maybe I've outgrown him. I used to look up to him and now I don't as much. I see hints of dysfunction with my sister and him, whereas I didn't see this before because of who I was.

I like the metaphor of shining light on things. For some people, it's warm and feels good. For other people, it's glaring and too bright. Once you start talking about feelings with people who keep their feelings in a box, it stirs things up. They have to open that box, and the light is glaring bright. Wanting you to "let things go" means why can't you keep all this stuff in the dark? You are shining light on the family emotions and that can be painful for people. In my family, it took the dimmest beam of light to cause my dad to stop talking to me. Just the way I was talking about my son's emotional health got my dad scared. I could see fear in his eyes, and we weren't even talking about him.

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about my dad. I feel like I should feel more. He hasn't called in many months and I find out through the family he has issues with his legs and where they may amputate them and now  psoriasis of the liver. I feel bad for him and I don't wish this on my dad because I do care for him unconditionally, not a love that was reciprocated. He really didn't have a good diet and didn't take care of himself for many years. These things tend to catch up to you or it could also because of his age. He's only 64. He could be in worse shape. I just feel like there's not much time left and it's not to say that he's going to pass soon. His diabetes is worse, possible amputation of the legs and then  psoriasis of the liver and couldn't make a phone call to his adopted son. I still love him, I always looked at him as my dad and not an adoptive father. I just don't know if he understands.

My family is this way too. My grandmother was getting a blood transfusion at age 94 -- a very painful (and maybe unnecessary) procedure. No one told me.  :'( When my mom had a series of debilitating grand mal seizures that put her in the hospital and potentially lead to brain damage, no one called me.  :'( I wonder sometimes if there is object constancy, that I am not there so therefore don't exist. When this stuff happens, I picture them as young children who are hurting, who don't know any better. Would you be able to say to your dad how you feel? I am not there yet. Still trying to work through the rejection I know will follow. Maybe not overt rejection, but most likely not an optimal response.  

[Mutt]

One, your lingering resentment over your one sister (who sounds like she may have some of your dad's traits); two, your feelings towards your emotionally unavailable dad.

I have resentment for both.

3 very close people to me in my life are invalidating.

My wife, my  sister and my dad.

I didn't know what black and white thinking meant until I arrived here. I had chalked it up to them being very stubborn. My wife being the worst of all 3. My dad more so than my sister but that's is a trait they share.

Empathy and compassion. My sister displays both. My dad does display compassion and I can't say that he displays empathy.

It sounds like none of them provided support for you during the past few years as your marriage was breaking down, and if anybody, they are the people to whom you should be able to turn to for support.

Zero support from my family. The only advice I was given 6 weeks after the break -up.  I was deeply hurt with having discovered the affair in the marriage and was seeking some sort of validation. My sister said " Get over it Mutt".

I was heart broken. A BPD smear campaign with stories circulating around I was abusive, kids that she wasn't allowing me to visit, an affair, a stranger with my kids, I  lost my family and my friends. I was a mess. I can't reach out to anybody.

I'm alone.

I found bpdfamily 5 months later.

I agree Turkish. I have a right to feel resentment towards my family. I've been through hell and I understand if it's "too dark" and makes people uncomfortable. I wasn't asking family to fix things but is it too much to ask to show some support?

I don't have anything to talk to her about my dad. If she's projecting her feelings and is uncomfortable talking about my dad. Well that's up to her. I have set boundaries with her and it's the same sort of reaction that I got from ex. A strong dislike, resistance and control. Not an Extinction burst or routine check-up test on your boundaries.

I didn't understand at the time my wife had split my sister black a year and a half after we had gotten together. Neither my sister or my BIL liked her. They were both decent and didn't display or say it while I was married.

That same visit I mentioned over the summer my sister starts to criticize me about not talking to my ex. Saying that I'm not making an effort to bury the hatchet and talk to her. I got very frustrated and I stuck to my boundaries and didn't justify it explain I said:

"Listen. This isn't about trying to create conflict with my ex wife. Not every divorce is "cookie cutter" where parents can co-parent. I don't think that we're on the same page with parallel parenting. This is about a boundary on the self. That's all"

Then she gets even more frustrated and criticizes me further,  keeps trying to push buttons and I'd like to say projected. She kept saying I'm frustrating and not listening. Who's not listening? Who's frustrated? You're defending someone that you despise over your own brother and someone that split you black for several years and devalued you. Even triangulated you many times as persecutor. I was a little dumbfounded with the loyalty to my ex-wife. The black and white thinking and seeing me as "all bad" is getting long in the tooth. I'm a good guy.

Anyways, I  didn't tell what I was thinking and I just left it.

I agree this could very well be a catalyst for her for change. She's not in touch with ger emotions or feelings. On the occasion that we do talk its as if she's trying to say that she's angry at my dad and doesn't want to allow those feelings or thoughts surface. She sort of explains why but she becomes hesitant and the wall comes back up again. I should cut her a little slack. She really shows that she tries, unlike my dad. Anyways sorry I'm going off on a tangent here.

Do what you feel is comfortable. This may sound cold, but you have a family of your own, Little People who depend on you, and they (and you!) are your primary responsibility, no?

They really added stress on top of borderline related stress and left me feeling isolated. I had thought about this tonight and thought. You know? I have me and the three kids. I'm really putting in the work where I can't same that my dad would have done the same. Because he didn't and I'm proud of that. This is my family and I'm doing this my way, a good and healthy way.

[Mutt]

I like the metaphor of shining light on things. For some people, it's warm and feels good. For other people, it's glaring and too bright. Once you start talking about feelings with people who keep their feelings in a box, it stirs things up. They have to open that box, and the light is glaring bright. Wanting you to "let things go" means why can't you keep all this stuff in the dark?

This makes a lot of sense livednlearned. I am shining a light. I have changed. I'm confident and I see things differently now. I agree I'm comfortable with it and it's not to say that everyone's comfortable with it. If anything, it shows that I have grown and I should accept it for what it is. It's not to say I'm better. I'm coping and I'm happier.

My BIL has his own FOO issues. He has resentment towards his dad. I could tell in the last couple of visits he looks a little off, he looks strained. I get the sense that he's not coping with my sister when it comes with supporting her regarding my dad. He also has his own feelings about my dad and he told me last year (didn't explain it as invalidating) that he's hurt she my dad invalidates him and that my dad can't notice the things he does for him.

Having said that, I feel like I'm left in a position where if I support my sister and let her open up that this is going to go back to him. If it does and he's struggling it may come back on me. Why are you not letting this go Mutt? I feel like I can't really clue her in.

1) She won't understand or be open, she's set in her ways like my dad. Close minded.

2) BIL isn't going to like it.

I think the best thing to do us maybe if she talks to me and I really doubt she'll open up. I could give her the benefit of the doubt is to validate how she feels but let her come to her own conclusions. I know they've done MC before. Maybe a T will say something?

It's their journey. Their marriage. I don't need or want the extra added stress in my life. I want peace and quiet as much as possible with the kids.

I'm sorry to hear about  your grandmother livednlearned that sounds like a serious procedure.

Would you be able to say to your dad how you feel? I am not there yet. Still trying to work through the rejection I know will follow. Maybe not overt rejection, but most likely not an optimal response.  tongue

No I don't think that I could. I fear that I would be rejected again. That rejection hurts. As I said in a previous post I was trying to get his attention. I thought maybe he's worried about how I'm coping with the divorce last Christmas. He might be worried about my his grandkids.

I tried for about 5 minutes. He shot me down. I got the message. He either can't or won't communicate. Go figure, biggest life event I went through and I can't bend my dad's ear for 5 lousy minutes. Who knows he could change knowing that he's falling apart and it is sad in a way that that could be my only hope.

[Kwamina]

Having said that, I feel like I'm left in a position where if I support my sister and let her open up that this is going to go back to him. If it does and he's struggling it may come back on me. Why are you not letting this go Mutt? I feel like I can't really clue her in.

1) She won't understand or be open, she's set in her ways like my dad. Close minded.

2) BIL isn't going to like it.

I think the best thing to do us maybe if she talks to me and I really doubt she'll open up. I could give her the benefit of the doubt is to validate how she feels but let her come to her own conclusions. I know they've done MC before. Maybe a T will say something?

It's their journey. Their marriage. I don't need or want the extra added stress in my life. I want peace and quiet as much as possible with the kids.

Hi Mutt,

I'm sorry you're having these difficulties with your dad, sis and BIL. I think the strategy you propose for handling this is very good though. Be a listening ear but maintain your boundaries and put yourself and your kids first

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt,

I'm sorry you're having these difficulties with your dad, sis and BIL. I think the strategy you propose for handling this is very good though. Be a listening ear but maintain your boundaries and put yourself and your kids first

thanks for the reassurance Kwamina.