Wrote a poem to help get it out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Pretty little rabbit.

A creature of habit

lying in the warm summer sun

Your burrow's collapsing

while you sit relaxing

convincing yourself this is fun

Tiny heart full of fear

Won't let anyone near

So to her i can't be anyone

She endured for a while

Tilt of head, dimpled smile

But she's hare triggered, ready to shun

This rabbit is sick

To her, love's a trick

It's a carrot, a cage or a gun

She has it so rough,

There's just never enough

So the victim will have to blame someone.

Soon winter's apprentice

Will bring storms so relentless

Where will you run rabbit run?

I stand full of regret

For all we won't get

To experience, share or endeavor.

If you'd told me before

That I'd see you no more.

I'd surely have said "8ull$hit, never."

I'd have stayed to the end,

and continued to bend

To a disorder so cruel and clever.

How could i say goodbye

with so much left to try

So i could hold on to my treasure.

Then you painted me black,

and said not to text back

My last string of hope it would sever.

I thought we shared love,

But when push came to shove,

The mirror was broken forever.

The shards pierced my heart

And the thing fell apart

Spilling feelings so bitter and hateful

But it did set me free

To start working on me

For that I'm eternally grateful

The shifting of mind

From resentful to kind

Is reward for enduring this hell.

My path overgrown

From neglect I now own

Grew around me creating my cell

I'm cutting away

More and more every day

If it leads me to love, time will tell.

Reading book after book

I continue to look

For the best means of breaking your spell.

I have so much to say

But since you ran away

It seems pointless to write you this letter.

Though we both made a big mess.

In it i found forgiveness.

I still love you, and hope you get better.

[Xstaticaddict]

Pretty little rabbit.

A creature of habit

lying in the warm summer sun

Your burrow's collapsing

while you sit relaxing

convincing yourself this is fun

Tiny heart full of fear

Won't let anyone near

So to her i can't be anyone

She endured for a while

Tilt of head, dimpled smile

But she's hare triggered, ready to shun

This rabbit is sick

To her, love's a trick

It's a carrot, a cage or a gun

She has it so rough,

There's just never enough

So the victim will have to blame someone.

Soon winter's apprentice

Will bring storms so relentless

Where will you run rabbit run?

I stand full of regret

For all we won't get

To experience, share or endeavor.

If you'd told me before

That I'd see you no more.

I'd surely have said "8ull$hit, never."

I'd have stayed to the end,

and continued to bend

To a disorder so cruel and clever.

How could i say goodbye

with so much left to try

So i could hold on to my treasure.

Then you painted me black,

and said not to text back

My last string of hope it would sever.

I thought we shared love,

But when push came to shove,

The mirror was broken forever.

The shards pierced my heart

And the thing fell apart

Spilling feelings so bitter and hateful

But it did set me free

To start working on me

For that I'm eternally grateful

The shifting of mind

From resentful to kind

Is reward for enduring this hell.

My path overgrown

From neglect I now own

Grew around me creating my cell

I'm cutting away

More and more every day

If it leads me to love, time will tell.

Reading book after book

I continue to look

For the best means of breaking your spell.

I have so much to say

But since you ran away

It seems pointless to write you this letter.

Though we both made a big mess.

In it i found forgiveness.

I still love you, and hope you get better.

[heartandwhole]

Love this, Xstaticaddict, it's very touching.

But it did set me free

To start working on me

For that I'm eternally grateful

Finding gratitude in the midst of loss is a gift.  I'm so glad to hear that it's part of your recovery. 

[Mutt]

You have a way with words and I could identify with this Xstaticaddict. Beautifully written and powerful. Thank you.

[thereishope]

Pretty little rabbit.

A creature of habit

lying in the warm summer sun

Your burrow's collapsing

while you sit relaxing

convincing yourself this is fun

Tiny heart full of fear

Won't let anyone near

So to her i can't be anyone

She endured for a while

Tilt of head, dimpled smile

But she's hare triggered, ready to shun

This rabbit is sick

To her, love's a trick

It's a carrot, a cage or a gun

She has it so rough,

There's just never enough

So the victim will have to blame someone.

Soon winter's apprentice

Will bring storms so relentless

Where will you run rabbit run?

I stand full of regret

For all we won't get

To experience, share or endeavor.

If you'd told me before

That I'd see you no more.

I'd surely have said "8ull$hit, never."

I'd have stayed to the end,

and continued to bend

To a disorder so cruel and clever.

How could i say goodbye

with so much left to try

So i could hold on to my treasure.

Then you painted me black,

and said not to text back

My last string of hope it would sever.

I thought we shared love,

But when push came to shove,

The mirror was broken forever.

The shards pierced my heart

And the thing fell apart

Spilling feelings so bitter and hateful

But it did set me free

To start working on me

For that I'm eternally grateful

The shifting of mind

From resentful to kind

Is reward for enduring this hell.

My path overgrown

From neglect I now own

Grew around me creating my cell

I'm cutting away

More and more every day

If it leads me to love, time will tell.

Reading book after book

I continue to look

For the best means of breaking your spell.

I have so much to say

But since you ran away

It seems pointless to write you this letter.

Though we both made a big mess.

In it i found forgiveness.

I still love you, and hope you get better.

I am speechless... .This is beautiful, excellently written, perfectly understood, and very therapeutic, as I'm sure many of us can understand EXACTLY the feelings this so profoundly expressed.  Thank you for sharing this. 

[Aussie JJ]

Xadict,

I've written that down and carry it around in my pocket now.  Absolutely bloody spot on the money.  I wish I could claim that writing as mine it expresses so well how I feel. 

Thank you. 

[Xstaticaddict]

Thanks everybody, and I'm sorry that we've all had to feel these difficult emotions. So much has been revealed from this experience and i feel like i've lost and gained so much. As $h1tty as it feels to endure this i like that i know myself better these days and I'm liking myself more and more as i take responsibility for my own happiness. I do wish i had someone to share it with though.

I was having dinner with a woman that takes dance lessons with me and she asked me if i'd get back together with my ex if she wanted to. I was surprised at how quickly i responded with a definite no. The inner turmoil is always there and the draw is still so strong to connect with her, but i seem to know instinctively on a survival level to stay away from her. I know this is thanks to everyone that has shared their pain and attempts at enduring the brunt of this disorder.

I thank you all so much for keeping me from making similar mistakes. I know i would have run head long into her flames until it became a living hell.

[woofhound]

I love the use of metaphor here. Rabbit... .I don't know if that was intentionally sexual, but my uBPDex is a lot like a rabbit when it comes to sex... .

Your poem is very forgiving, and I've begun to reach that stage. I'm also a huge Pink Floyd fan, so the words "Run, rabbit, run" hit home for me.

I hope this is ok, but i'd like to post the lyrics to a song I wrote: It's written from the perspective of my ex.

"Projectionist"

crying out desperately, subconsciously, and crypticly

for you to look at me,

for you to love on me,

to be the way that we used to be,

and though i know that somewhere inside, i,

may have lied, i,

find it hard to admit that i,

have sabotaged,

intentionally, perpetually, instinctually,

the way that was taught to me

casting a beautiful shadow,

walking with the sun at my back,

showing the emmaculate face,

the delicate woven lie of a mask,

and though i know somewhere inside, i,

may have lied, i,

find it hard to admit that i,

have sabotaged,

intentionally, perpetually, instinctually,

that way that was taught to me,

misdirect, infect, and a mindful ploy,

my favorite toy,

defect to the other side, again i've lied,

social suicide, another personal slight,

whatever it takes to keep you at bay,

whatever it takes to make you stay.