Keeping NC, help needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

     I suspect the SO is cheating again, as we have been very LC. He denies this, of course, but avoids me most of the time aside from an occasional text. Phone calls are treated as some rarified treat, to which I am no longer worthy or entitled. I try and plead then finally end up blocking him everywhere. Then I feel guilty and resume contact after about a week.  I know there is someone else, feel  heartbroken he appears so  oblivious to my absence.  Please someone help me unstick myself from this sick cycle. When I unblock him he will say how much he wants my call, wants to hear from me, then encourages me until i try then blocks ME (and of course he denies its blocked). There are tons of rules and restrictions on contact, he tells me im his soulmate, then will call ME to scream im ruining his life, go away. This isn't his fault, its mine because I know I ALLOW him to treat me this way... .I just can't unstick myself.  Please help, I'm posting here as an alternative to contacting him.

[FollowingBliss]

     I suspect the SO is cheating again, as we have been very LC. He denies this, of course, but avoids me most of the time aside from an occasional text. Phone calls are treated as some rarified treat, to which I am no longer worthy or entitled. I try and plead then finally end up blocking him everywhere. Then I feel guilty and resume contact after about a week.  I know there is someone else, feel  heartbroken he appears so  oblivious to my absence.  Please someone help me unstick myself from this sick cycle. When I unblock him he will say how much he wants my call, wants to hear from me, then encourages me until i try then blocks ME (and of course he denies its blocked). There are tons of rules and restrictions on contact, he tells me im his soulmate, then will call ME to scream im ruining his life, go away. This isn't his fault, its mine because I know I ALLOW him to treat me this way... .I just can't unstick myself.  Please help, I'm posting here as an alternative to contacting him.

[FollowingBliss]

Is anyone around, please? I'm afraid I'm going to contact him again. I am really bad off.

[Mutt]

Is anyone around, please? I'm afraid I'm going to contact him again. I am really bad off.

Hi FollowingBliss,

I'm sorry. It's difficult and you're feeling triggered   Learning to trust our intuition again takes time when we're going through detachment. There's residual FOG from ex.

I'm sorry that he is invalidating you and treated you as you didn't exist. You're split black. He's telling you you're his soul mate when you're split white. He is idealizing you and it pulls at the heart strings and you feel guilt. It's tough.

A boundary with NC is like putting a boundary on yourself. If he acts in a way that is inappropriate I will react this way. If he does X I will do Y.

You put a boundary in place for a reason. What are those reasons? Try recalling the hurtful things he has done. Write them out in a reply if you wish - remembering the painful things helped me with re-centering myself. Hang in there.

[FollowingBliss]

Thank you, Mutt. I am trying to keep a boundary because I am weary of extremes; put on a pedestal when he has no one, and treated as less than human when he does. Idealize, devalue and I believe now, discard. He throws me a crumb every so often because he wants to know I'm still "there". I believe I deserve better, I wish I didn't still care so deeply for him. Everytime I break NC I am reminded he did not miss me and does not care back. A fencepost could be my replacement its true. The last one was someone he had just met on the internet!

[Mutt]

A fencepost could be my replacement its true. The last one was someone he had just met on the internet!

That is sad. It also shows that he is impulsive and lacks boundaries if he just me someone on the internet. He lacks respect for your boundaries as well. A borderline doesn't like boundaries, it limits them - emotional immaturity.

I understand the difficulties. You care for him and I cared for my ex irregardless of the emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, denigration, projections that she was doing. I recall my L asking me in court before I was called. It was for false DV charges. He looked at her and couldn't understand why she would put her husband through this. Sacrifice a family and kids and have me have a criminal record. The possibility of losing my job and putting a family of 6 through financial hardships.

He said "What do you see in her?"

I replied "Because I love her"

It wasn't love. I was looking out for her needs and neglecting my needs. What is the pull for you FollowingBliss? Your intuition is right. It hurts when our partners are untruthful, unfaithful and dissociate and guilt us for their actions. I share a similar experience with my ex.

[FollowingBliss]

I don't know what my pull is, Mutt. All I do realize, after he called me a stalker the other day 

, was twisted mess needs to end

[Infared]

Following Bliss... at the end of my relationship with pwBPD, I was acting just like you and mine had been cheating on me during a committed 5-yr RS and ran off with new hero denying all.

I behaved like you  (for longer than I will admit!  ), and I was getting nothing but abuse... .It was UGLY. I found that I was really suffering choices that "I" kept making that were VERY not healthy for me and I could not stop, (hmmmmm... .addiction?). I had to get outside help, beyond friends.  I got into T and found a self-help group and eventually did group T.  It was an extremely difficult time in my life. At a very painful point I had to look in the mirror and say, "bud, you are not handling this, you need help".  Tough stuff... .but it slowly got better.

With the help of my T I was able to "see the light" and eventually put everything in place for absolute NC. Absolute NC = Self Love in my situation.  I don't think I could have done that alone.

[FollowingBliss]

Thanks, Infared. It seems like you really know what you are talking about. I am addicted, to a person that doesn't even exist! How sad is that?

[Infared]

Thanks, Infared. It seems like you really know what you are talking about. I am addicted, to a person that doesn't even exist! How sad is that?

I identify totally... .The person that they invent fills something up in us in a very needy unhealthy way. They pick us (no accident on their part) and mirror us. Now, its kind of screwed up... that we have low self love and need someone else to "fill us up", but when someone mirrors us we become deeply attached to them (or us)? ... The whole shooting match is unhealthy.

I do know, that my pwBPD has no real self... .and what they know of themselves they hate. Who could love themselves and treat other people like that?