I feel so torn, I don't know what to do

[cancan88]

History on me: My father has BPD. I have dated around 3 gf's who all showed signs of BPD (sexual abuse, violence and abuse histories).

I have a huge dilemma. It's been about a month and half since I broke up with my BPD ex. The rages were getting out of control and I needed to take a break. Before this she also would tell me to respect her by not trying to get into contact with her if we breakup. She came to my house twice in two weeks to try and get back. But I wasn't ready at the time. I waited two weeks later and I started dating again (this what I have been doing for the past 10 years). The new girl broke it off with me last weekend, and at the same time I checked my exBPD fb. I saw she had already moved on to a new guy. For some reason I really took that hard. The past week has been hell for me. I haven't been able to eat or sleep enough. I have been constantly crying.  I finally let go of my fears of talking and I started to share. I realize now that I did play a part in the relationship. I had a fear of letting the relationship go to far because I didn't want to get hurt. I also felt I wasn't ready since she was emotionally unavailable most of the time. We constantly broke up and got together (a trait I learned from my father). During one of these times I met another girl. And in the past year I was seeing my ex BPDgf and other girl. The other girl was an escape from my BPDex when it got crazy. In this past year my exBPD started to try to get pregnant. When I didnt want to continue to fight and take her home. She tried to pull the wheel over. I believe she got pregnant twice and 1 fake which she admitted to.  Our last few fights became a tremendous drain on me. They would last hours which never got anywhere. It was to a point it was if I wasn't even there. She just wanted me to react and fight back with her.

Dealing with the pain this week, opened my eyes to many things. I realized I took much abuse from her, but at the same time. I should have been strong enough to break it off with the other girl. I also was scared to communicate openly with her because of her rages. Which meant the rages would go overboard and she would explode. I see that with her condition, i also contributed to it. I know I am not the cause of her rages, her fake pregnancies and the abuse. At the same time I really love her. I would do anything for her, except lose myself. With that said I really want to apologize to her for my own actions. I want to try again with the concept that I do know more about her condition. Understanding her triggers, but mainly being there for her. In my dating I saw that I am willing to marry her, and that I truly do love her. And as my mother told me that if I do go back, "I need to accept her as is". I will not be able to change her.

In the past week, I was posting some new pics and some love songs on fb. She saw them and texted me to, "leave us alone". i responded that she had the wrong number, because I broke down when I saw it and didn't know what to do.

I'm conflicted because I feel I need to tell her sorry for my own actions that contributed to her behavior. I also feel the need right now since she is dating someone new to get my heart about before its to late. I really feel lost without her. sad and hurt.  I want to get married to her in the future. I understand that I need to have open communication with her about everything. There can't be anyone else. Also I acknowledge that she may completely reject me (my fear) and i will relapse back into the pain i endured this past week.  I also know that I have to accept her as she is. But my hope is that if we start fresh again, we can build it back up. I can work with her on not feeling abandoned. And continue to love her unconditionally.

I'm also not sure how far this second relationship or whatever it is has gone. So if I am successful in establishing something, this guy may be her emotional support. And i will be like I was in previous relationships. The physical part, but emotionally she was with someone else.

Do I send her that letter explaining my actions in the past month and half? Apologize again for my behavior and the other girl. And ask her to open up some communication to talk about it. Instead of just being NC like we have been.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry cancan88  How's your appetite and sleeping? How do you feel now?

Long sessions of circular arguments are emotionally exausting and frustrating. I understand.

You care deeply for her and you're ready to radically accept her for who she is. She is mentally ill. Your perception and reality is different than hers. It's difficult to accept this. I would suggest writing the letter and getting your feelings out. I wouldn't suggest sending it. She may say nothing, she may hurt your feelings because she is with someone else.

Let it play out with her and the other guy. It's their relationship or friendship whatever the case may be. Work on taking care of you for now. I'm sorry.