I hate being hated

[MommaBear]

My ex hates me.

He went from devaluation, to desperate and clingy, to blind rage and hate.

He engages in smear/distortion campaigns, gaslighting, insults, bullying, and constant attempts to align all of his wants with our child's "best interest".

Sometimes he sprinkles the hate with some kind of phoney indifference, but the genuine pleasure he takes in seeing me hurt is evident.

His indifference isn't genuine.

Why does this hurt so much? Why can't I deal with it?

But what bothers me the most is WHY does he hate me so much, so passionately? I know they split, but how long will this go on for? Yes, I left him. I tried to explain as delicately and in as much detail as possible WHY I left. I tried even then to take his needs into consideration, and even afterward with the details of our divorce.

I'd have given him a sweet custody / child support deal that even my own lawyer said was far too generous.

But he wanted more, and more, and more. He hated me, and anything I was willing to give was not something he could steal from me. If I was willing to give it, then it wasn't hurting me, and that wasn't good enough for him.

He genuinely enjoys seeing me suffer. So much so that he laughs and smiles right in my face. He thinks it's hysterical when I cry even.

I can't stand being hated like this. How do you handle it?

[Mr Hollande]

Maybe making you suffer is all he feels he has left now. If so it's a truly wretched existence.

[MommaBear]

Maybe making you suffer is all he feels he has left now. If so it's a truly wretched existence.

At the expense of our child? Seriously? To hate me so much, he doesn't realize the cost he's imposing on our child?

Blows my mind how anyone can hate me so very passionately, especially after I've done everything I could to take their feelings into consideration. What was my crime? Demanding validation and respect as a human being?

Seriously. Does this ever end?

[woofhound]

I can definitely identify. My ex had sex at an orgy because she wanted me to feel how it felt to be "abandoned"... .whatever that means. I think you've got to realize that its not actually about you. Its actually about their own projection of self loathing, and not about being constructive in anyway. My reaction to her action has since been "what can I do to be constructive? How can I be less like her?"

[MommaBear]

Can you elaborate woofhound? I'm not sure I fully understand.

Are you saying his expression of hate for me is actually an indicator of how much he hates himself?

I'm lost on this connection.

[woofhound]

Can you elaborate woofhound? I'm not sure I fully understand.

Are you saying his expression of hate for me is actually an indicator of how much he hates himself?

I'm lost on this connection.

Yes. In my experience with my ex, though I didn't realize it until I read stories from others on this board, many of her actions and much of her hatred toward me was a projection of her own inner self being mirror through her accusations. For instance, through out the relationship she told me she didn't mind if I flirted with other girls because she thought this would make me happy. I didn't flirt with other girls. She flirted with other guys, but would get mad at me if I even mentioned another person in passing that happened to be a female. So, she was promoting that its ok to flirt though it wasn't, because she wanted to flirt... .and when she hated me for flirting she didn't hate me, she hated herself. Sorry if that's not as clear as it could be. I've taken some sleep aid and feel drowsy. I hope it clarifies none the less

[Tausk]

Momma:  I'm sorry for the confusion. If your ex has BPD, have you begun to realize that he is just a traumatized three year old?  Think about the emotional range of a three year year.  If you let him have the cookie, he loves you.  If you say no, he hates you with all his soul.

Add on top of that that you exwBPD a terrified traumatized three-year old living the very real existence of his living nightmare.  He's absolutely terrified.  He doesn't have the emotional capacity to cope and to deal in the adult world.

Remember, he loves the children as much as any three year old can love. which means maybe some affection if convenient, but nothing comes before his emotional state at the moment.

I'm saying this, because since i've been on this board, I've had a couple of close female friends who have exes who they realize now, thanks to my bringing the issue forward are BPDed.    And the longer it took for them to realize this fact, the more they suffered and the more the children suffered.  

Are you reading the divorce and custody boards?  If not, get on there right away. It's not about you.  :)epersonalize.  It's about the kids.  

The more you try and squeeze rational, logical, sane out of your ex, the more suffering you and your children will endure.  I know, I've seen it.  One my friends, gets triggered, or lives in a bit of denial at times, and then she always says you were right.  So she's learning.  The other now handles her ex very well.

You ex is a three year old with four basic dissociative personalities.  He's in the Angry child and Punitive Parent modes now and is going to be in those modes for a long time.  You've abandoned him.  You are evil, You deserve to be punished.  You may not believe it's true.  It may be a total lie.  But the Disorder believes it to be the absolute truth and nothing you say, do, or plead will change that fact.

You may not believe this is true, but it's the truth in your the Disordered eyes of your ex.  Why not yell at a crazy homeless man instead.  It will get you about the same results, because that man and your ex are more alike and on the same page, than you ever were with your ex.  Everything you thought you had with your ex was a fantasy.  you were never living the same dream.

Depersonalize, detach and live.  :)ocument, Divorce and GET Custody.

If you try and fight the Disorder you will lose.  

The Disorder is more powerful than you.

The Disorder does not want happiness.

The Disorder need others to feed upon.

The Disorder ALWAYS wins.

The only way not to lose is to leave a victim.  

Detach, depersonalize, let go of rationality, let go of justice, let go of expecting love from the Disorder.  :)o it for the children.

[Caredverymuch]

My ex hates me.

He went from devaluation, to desperate and clingy, to blind rage and hate.

He engages in smear/distortion campaigns, gaslighting, insults, bullying, and constant attempts to align all of his wants with our child's "best interest".

Sometimes he sprinkles the hate with some kind of phoney indifference, but the genuine pleasure he takes in seeing me hurt is evident.

His indifference isn't genuine.

Why does this hurt so much? Why can't I deal with it?

But what bothers me the most is WHY does he hate me so much, so passionately? I know they split, but how long will this go on for? Yes, I left him. I tried to explain as delicately and in as much detail as possible WHY I left. I tried even then to take his needs into consideration, and even afterward with the details of our divorce.

I'd have given him a sweet custody / child support deal that even my own lawyer said was far too generous.

But he wanted more, and more, and more. He hated me, and anything I was willing to give was not something he could steal from me. If I was willing to give it, then it wasn't hurting me, and that wasn't good enough for him.

He genuinely enjoys seeing me suffer. So much so that he laughs and smiles right in my face. He thinks it's hysterical when I cry even.

I can't stand being hated like this. How do you handle it?

Momma, I was married to a cold NPD and dreamed of the day I would get out. The hate was a constant in that marriage. No matter what I did, and I did it ALL, he just seemed incredibly distant and hateful.

I made a black and white decision to stay for my kids, as I did not feel safe having young children around someone so full of rage. I had to die unto myself and give up any expectation of having any of my emotional needs there. And they were not.  I just did everything for my children and gained immense satisfaction through them. He did little to none. But always made a point to put me down when he could with zingers.

Over time I became emotionally numb and actually did die unto myself to the point where I grieved the marriage, got my children largely through, and made very concrete incremental plans to get out. I was able to stop letting his hateful actions get to me. There was nothing he could do or say that provoked any reaction from me as I was that detached and that done. 

This took his power and his control away , literally, and he quit the marriage and family and just came and went and isolated himself, reading, not talking to anyone, or whatever.

The good news is I got out  and he continues to act the same way in separation as he did in marriage. PPD don't change no matter the circumstances. Everything going good, things going bad, they don't change. Give up the expectation that he can change.

My reward for my freedom was being swept off my feet by my expBPD 

Such outwardly different men by far, but so much the same.

They both devalued me. They both manipulate. They both lack empathy. They both seemed to gain satisfaction in hurting me.  And they both are haters. Full of hate and rage and shame and false self. And only know how to react one way in self protective defense: hate.

What a horrible way to live your life. Knowing hate.

It's SO good to be away from these disordered men. Both of which... .never changed.

And yes, I am doing immense inner work and I understand why I ended up with the same emotionally unavailable men twice.

[pieceofme]

My ex hates me.

He went from devaluation, to desperate and clingy, to blind rage and hate.

Sometimes he sprinkles the hate with some kind of phoney indifference, but the genuine pleasure he takes in seeing me hurt is evident.

Why does this hurt so much? Why can't I deal with it?

But he wanted more, and more, and more. He hated me, and anything I was willing to give was not something he could steal from me. If I was willing to give it, then it wasn't hurting me, and that wasn't good enough for him.

He genuinely enjoys seeing me suffer. So much so that he laughs and smiles right in my face. He thinks it's hysterical when I cry even.

I can't stand being hated like this. How do you handle it?

I am struggling with the same feelings. I can't process how in a matter of four hours his loved turned into disgust and blind hatred. I turned myself inside out for him only to be made the enemy. I do not understand.

[rg1976]

Momma - I hope you don't take offense to this post and my subsequent words, it is not meant to be hurtful. 

Everyone hates being hated; especially by those we care for, and thought cared for us.  BPD is a serious mental illness.  We wouldn't ask "Why?" when a person with alzheimer's forgets who we are, we just know it's because they are sick.  Same thing here.

However, to expect someone with BPD to be rational, understanding, and show empathy in their closest interpersonal relationships (including doing what's best for the children) IS crazy.  Of course, they'll do whatever they FEEL like doing in the moment.   If it hurts the children?  That's not a concern to them, they're too wrapped up in their own inner trauma/drama to even notice.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. 

I know very well the struggles of trying to figure out our pwBPD.  Then seeing some glimmer of a caring person during one of their few periods of seeming lucidity.  It's what kept me hooked for so long.

I hope this is helpful.

[Mutt]

MommaBear,

I understand the vitriol and anger hurts deeply and I'm sorry  I stopped trying to figure out why my ex had such bitterness and anger towards me. I'm not a jackass whisperer.

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer. - Brené Brown