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[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone 

Just needed to share some thoughts that have been whizzing round... .it helps me infinitely to share with people who have been through similar experiences!

Last month the channel of communication with my dBPDexbf was opened regarding a large sum of money he owes me. This was after 2 months solid NC, well, I say “NC” - I didn’t have a choice since I was given the silent treatment and then blocked! Y’all know how it goes down... . 

I was in touch with my ex in relation to this issue via email over the weekend. It was only the second “contact” we have had since the split – all was fine, we exchanged a few emails on the matter before I powered down the laptop and returned to doing my laundry (I want you all to know I am extremely glamorous )

15 minutes later I saw on my phone I had an email. It was from my ex, sent a few minutes after his last email. One sentence: “Also, you were correct. It was a mistake”. Huh? I scanned back through the email trail to see what he was referring to but couldn’t see anything. I pondered for a moment... .a mistake? I instinctively replied “What was a mistake?”. No response. Puzzled, I carried on with what I was doing.

(Now I guess I’m shockingly slow on the uptake because I bet most of you reading this have guessed exactly what he is alluding to... .) Then I got it. 45 minutes later. The last thing I said to him: “You’re about to make the mistake of your life”. With a face as pink as a beetroot and as hot as an oven from adrenaline (!) I ended up having to take my dog for a marathon walk to cool down and collect my thoughts.

I know it really makes no difference to my situation, everything is as it was and I’m carrying on as before but it has wobbled me - it’s nothing but games. Silly little mind games. Maybe he wanted me to get all desperate and demand to know what he meant, maybe he wanted me to respond with "Really? I'm so glad you think so. Wanna come over and talk", maybe he just wanted to mess with my mind. Well, not my style I'm afraid... .but that being said such games can be annoyingly effective! (But I won’t let him know that... . )

[BlondeRunner]

Hi everyone 

Just needed to share some thoughts that have been whizzing round... .it helps me infinitely to share with people who have been through similar experiences!

Last month the channel of communication with my dBPDexbf was opened regarding a large sum of money he owes me. This was after 2 months solid NC, well, I say “NC” - I didn’t have a choice since I was given the silent treatment and then blocked! Y’all know how it goes down... . 

I was in touch with my ex in relation to this issue via email over the weekend. It was only the second “contact” we have had since the split – all was fine, we exchanged a few emails on the matter before I powered down the laptop and returned to doing my laundry (I want you all to know I am extremely glamorous )

15 minutes later I saw on my phone I had an email. It was from my ex, sent a few minutes after his last email. One sentence: “Also, you were correct. It was a mistake”. Huh? I scanned back through the email trail to see what he was referring to but couldn’t see anything. I pondered for a moment... .a mistake? I instinctively replied “What was a mistake?”. No response. Puzzled, I carried on with what I was doing.

(Now I guess I’m shockingly slow on the uptake because I bet most of you reading this have guessed exactly what he is alluding to... .) Then I got it. 45 minutes later. The last thing I said to him: “You’re about to make the mistake of your life”. With a face as pink as a beetroot and as hot as an oven from adrenaline (!) I ended up having to take my dog for a marathon walk to cool down and collect my thoughts.

I know it really makes no difference to my situation, everything is as it was and I’m carrying on as before but it has wobbled me - it’s nothing but games. Silly little mind games. Maybe he wanted me to get all desperate and demand to know what he meant, maybe he wanted me to respond with "Really? I'm so glad you think so. Wanna come over and talk", maybe he just wanted to mess with my mind. Well, not my style I'm afraid... .but that being said such games can be annoyingly effective! (But I won’t let him know that... . )

[Junknown]

Hello there blonde.

Yeah, its true. They seem love to do these kind of mind games and play with our minds. Mine broke NC last time because she wanted to beg for my forgiveness after she cheated on me 3 times (at least that i know, there might be more). She doesnt know i have a taped phone call where she admits 2 of the affairs and where she talks badly and lies a lot.

And there she is texting me, saying she didnt cheat on me anymore, that she deserves forgiveness, bla bla bla. When i refuse to be a friend (how can i? when she is lieing on my face again?) or return to a relationship with her she starts raging saying that i dont forgive, all people are white or black to me (told her this once about her, now she projects it back), that i would look back one day and be very sorry, bla bla bla... .

Lots of mind games, psychologic manipulation, toying with our minds and actually messing with us. And mine is studying psychology (one day she confessed it would empower her to be able to defend herself and hurt the people who hurt her O_o)... .

Dont let that afect you Blonde, thats what they do. They are children in adult bodies toying with other humans who are vulnerable because they actually love or loved them genuinely. And i would bet, they dont understand how lucky they were to have us or if they do sometime in the future it will be too late.

[Mutt]

“Also, you were correct. It was a mistake”.

A pwBPD have difficulties expressing their needs. It sounds like he is testing the waters. I'm sorry it's confusing.

[patientandclear]

Well, it was a mistake. Taking the emotion out of if, which is so much easier for us at this distance, what happened is he got overloaded and dysregulated, and now, with time and space to let things settle, his feelings are not terrifying a d he got the relief he needed by pushing you away. And now here comes the pull.

In the absence of insight on his part into this cycle though, that will keep happening. And because a lot of pain is associated with what has already happened, the stakes and fear are now higher for you both.  You have not yet heard the resentment over how you just let him go, didn't fight for him, etc.

The basic mechanisms are all still embedded. That's what makes these situations so hard. He is booby-trapped but he is probably largely unaware of that.

It's sad for him and sad for you. My struggle is to deeply accept that just because it is sad doesn't mean there is an answer.

[Tausk]

You're never going to get your money, except for at the cost of one piece of your soul at a time.

It's going to drag out forever.  It's going to hurt your recovery.  It's going to trigger you and keep you in the control of the Disorder.

How much is a large sum?

Sue him in small claims court?  

See if a lawyer will take the case for a percentage of the settlement.

Get out of the interaction.  

You're playing with fire.  

Do you want to get back together?  Are you being honest with yourself?

If you want recovery, decide if the price you're going to pay is worth the $.   Because I'll bet my house that it's going to be brutally painful, slow, and destructive every step of the way.

Remember your ex is Bat Sht Crazy, and Crazy Is as Crazy Does.

And if we expect rational from Crazy then we are just as Crazy.

[Loveofhislife]

Blonde--I'm in the EXACT same boat: thousands and thousands owed equal the thousands and thousands of promises to repay. Tausk--I have hired a lawyer but have been wishy washy knowing that getting a judgement (perhaps even filing a complaint) could violate his probation and return him to an institutional setting--perhaps that's where he needs to be, and once again--I should be taking care of myself,

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all 

Thanks for your thoughts. Always appreciated!

... .They seem love to do these kind of mind games and play with our minds. Lots of mind games, psychologic manipulation, toying with our minds and actually messing with us.

Dont let that afect you Blonde, thats what they do... .

Thanks, Junknown – agreed. I read a quote here the other day that stuck with me : “Strange game. The only winning move is not to play”. I think he’s (successfully) played games with all his past relationships but I've got 8 years on him and I'm nowhere near as easy to manipulate as his previous 22 year old girlfriends (I'm also a stubborn and guarded piece of work. Saw my T last week, she muttered to herself "BR, I can only imagine what a challenge you will seem to him... .)

A pwBPD have difficulties expressing their needs. It sounds like he is testing the waters. I'm sorry it's confusing.

Thank you, Mutt.

Well, it was a mistake. Taking the emotion out of if, which is so much easier for us at this distance, what happened is he got overloaded and dysregulated, and now, with time and space to let things settle, his feelings are not terrifying a d he got the relief he needed by pushing you away. And now here comes the pull.

Ah Patientandclear – one of my favourite posters. I need to tell you I   your posts! Yes, you’re right – look at it objectively and it was indeed a mistake!

In the absence of insight on his part into this cycle though, that will keep happening. And because a lot of pain is associated with what has already happened, the stakes and fear are now higher for you both.  You have not yet heard the resentment over how you just let him go, didn't fight for him, etc. The basic mechanisms are all still embedded. That's what makes these situations so hard. He is booby-trapped but he is probably largely unaware of that.

I know it will keep happening and I absolutely will not be going back for another serving  – my goodness it was sour enough the first time round! Interesting point re: resentment, I hadn’t thought of that.

Sue him in small claims court? 

Hi Tausk Yes,  I have taken legal advice and this communication was part of it – letting him know that legal action would be the next step and, on the advice of my lawyer, was basically covering my butt so if it goes as far as court then they can see I made very reasonable suggestions to resolve it and will therefore look more favourably on me. Generally the courts like you to have made an attempt to resolve the matter yourself before bringing it to them. (I think this is why I was quite surprised with his comment – considering I was outlining that I will launch legal proceedings against him if he doesn’t comply I would have expected an “F OFF!” rather than a “I made a mistake”... .)

Do you want to get back together?  Are you being honest with yourself?

No because as you said:

... .your ex is Bat Sht Crazy, and Crazy Is as Crazy Does.

Blonde--I'm in the EXACT same boat: thousands and thousands owed equal the thousands and thousands of promises to repay. Tausk--I have hired a lawyer but have been wishy washy knowing that getting a judgement (perhaps even filing a complaint) could violate his probation and return him to an institutional setting--perhaps that's where he needs to be, and once again--I should be taking care of myself,

Hi Loveofhislife

Ah, that is a tricky one – the stakes in your situation are higher than in mine. I wouldn't like to have to deal with that. I'm so sorry, it must be stressful. I have been guilty of not taking care of myself in the past, perhaps now is the time you start to put yourself first.

[Loveofhislife]

Thanks so much to Blonderunner et al: now, if only I could learn to use this quoting mechanism in replies as well as you do. Love to all, Loveofhislife