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Author Topic: How long after D did your pwBPD remarry?  (Read 394 times)
Gmoney

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« on: August 18, 2014, 10:16:18 PM »

Im struggling with the fact of how quickly I was replaced.  30 days after I catch my uBPDxw in her 3rd affair that i knew about.  She meets her 1st guy, falls in love with months and has this BF alreadying spending time with kids while the D is not finalized yet. (7.5 months later)   (Although i have been dating a girl, my kids dont even know her name let alone i have a girl friend). I know its just a matter of time before she remarrys.  Curious to see what some of you experienced on this. 


Its like she just plucked me out and drop him in the family unit.   It just makes me feel disgusted  and hurt at the same time.

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Tausk
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« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2014, 11:07:41 PM »

Hi GM:  I'm sorry for your confusion and pain. It's very difficult to understand.  And the FOG is thick.

What you are experiencing is not unique to this board.  Our exes paint us evil, forget us, and attach to someone else almost instantly.  It's not a question of character, but of the Disorder.

PwBPD are hardwired differently.  They only feel what they feel in the moment. 

Keep on the board.  Keep sharing.  Keep reading. Learn as much as you can about the disorder. 

Read the divorce and parenting board as well.

You owe it to your children to learn as much as possible and to detach and depersonalize as quickly as possible.

It will hurt.  But you are not alone.    We understand.

In support

T
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MommaBear
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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2014, 05:37:02 AM »

Hi Gmoney,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in the same boat.

Mine has begun living with his gf (almost full time) after about 2 or 3 months. They pretty much live together now, all his stuff is at her place.

He consults her about parenting decisions, although she has no kids, and he refuses to take any of my requests into consideration. I completely understand what you mean by being replaced, as if we were tossed aside, and a new "unit" got airlifted in to replace us as mom or dad.

And of course, the replacement has no idea about BPD, so we can only wonder what effect this will have on the kid/s.

I'd like to tell you when mine began dating, but he cheated on me during our marriage, went out with another woman shortly after I asked for a divorce (that he had been hitting on while we were in marriage counseling), and this is the third (that I know of), but he often complained to me that he had gotten married before he had the chance to "slut it up" the way other men (apparently) get to do. I think he secretly wanted to be a player but just didn't have the body to pull it off.

But his life is already in shambles, so I can see the cracks of the mask starting to appear in this new relationship. It won't be long before this happens to your ex as well. Trust me, nothing ever lasts with pwBPD. Intimacy is a trigger, and my guess is, the scared little girl will come out in full bridezilla force once that poor unsuspecting man tries to put a ring on her finger.

I've learned that over time, it's best to just let things go. Everything about BPD is in cycles, and some parts of the cycle are more painful than others, but ultimately, the final destination is eroded trust and intimacy. Right here, right now in the idolization stage, it's tough for us, because the replacement is painted white while you and I (and so many other exes) are essentially rotten to the core in their eyes.

But like everything else, they cycle completes itself, over and over, getting worse each time. Keep in mind, they're amazing at making it look as if everything is wonderful and perfect with this new partner, but deep down, we know the monster behind the mask, and anyone sharing any degree of intimacy with them knows it too.

Hang in there. You're doing the right thing, taking your time with your new gf, waiting for her to meet the kids. I waited a good long time before letting my bf meet my kid, and I met his first. His ex also has a p/d so we have a good deal of understanding between us, and how we want to raise our kids.

 It does get easier, just keep reminding yourself that what you see (in terms of your ex) is very likely a hideous lie designed to hurt you. Terrible and paranoid as that sounds, that's BPD for you.
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expos
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« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2014, 08:15:37 AM »

1 year and 10 months after ours was finalized.  CRAZY!
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2014, 11:41:41 AM »

Mine left me for a friend and neighbour. They were secretly engaged three weeks after she ended things with me. Both of them we're complete a$$holes to me, and really tried to rub salt in my wounds. Really low class crap. They were married about 16 months after we ended. Well from what I can gather things are going great for them. Both of their dreams have come true. They both profess to have found their love of a life time! So much karmic justice. Makes me wonder on days like today if she really is Bpd. Maybe what she said about me was true, maybe I was the problem? I just want to know how on gods green earth she can keep the facade going for so long? Or is it that my ex friend is so dysfunctional themselves that all they are doing is enabling my ex to do what she wants? Maybe my ex has not heard NO yet in this relationship? Either way, it p!sses me off. Where is the nut job I dated for 6.5 years?
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camuse
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« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2014, 12:19:15 PM »

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. No one could believe the stories I told them.

There are people on here who put up with their PD for decades.

The facade may carry on for years. You know what she's like, do you really think she has changed totally in such a short space of time?

Mine was amazing at putting on a public face - she had a different face for everyone in her life. No one has a clue what she is really like.

And I think male pride means we put on a happy face as well. I certainly did.

The best thing is just not to worry about it. And be glad it's not your problem Smiling (click to insert in post)
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elessar
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« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2014, 12:23:04 PM »

What camuse said. What we see on the outside is what they want people to see. If you put up with her for 6.5 years... .her being with him for 1.5 years is nothing. Maybe they are miserable. But showing it to the world would bring shame right? So the happy face.

And worst case scenario... .she was horrible to you but not to him. That is a low blow from her. But there are bad people in this world who can do that. People who might be good in a lot of things, but leave a long term marriage or relationship and go to someone else. It is so very unfair. but it is life... .
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2014, 12:36:39 PM »

Mine made plans with her new bf while on vacation with me. When we got back from vacation she left me for him. That lasted two months then she left him and got engaged and married a new guy within a month. Crazy.
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Popcorn71
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« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2014, 12:42:26 PM »

My xBPDh was living with the replacement within 2 weeks.  We had been togther for 9 years and I was stunned at how quickly he 'moved on'. 

However, when I thought back, he virtually moved in with me after 3 dates.  He just stayed most nights and gradually moved all his stuff in without me realising and actually making a definate decision to let him move in.

A year on, he's not married ... .yet, but I doubt it will be far off.  He has moved the replacement and her kids over from her country to the UK.  He soon got fed up of travelling to be with her.  It looks like she is willing to do whatever it takes to keep him happy or she is using him for financial reasons and he may have finally met his match.
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2014, 12:43:07 PM »

What camuse said. What we see on the outside is what they want people to see. If you put up with her for 6.5 years... .her being with him for 1.5 years is nothing. Maybe they are miserable. But showing it to the world would bring shame right? So the happy face.

And worst case scenario... .she was horrible to you but not to him. That is a low blow from her. But there are bad people in this world who can do that. People who might be good in a lot of things, but leave a long term marriage or relationship and go to someone else. It is so very unfair. but it is life... .

I understand what you're saying. It's been over 3 years since our breakup and they have been married for just over two. So it has been quite a while of bliss for both of them. God I was lucky I got one year out of her before it went to he! In a hand basket. I.JUST.DONT.GET.IT.?
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SeaSprite
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« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2014, 01:54:47 PM »

I don't know if it is any comfort, but I am married to a man with a BPD ex, and the way she describes him I don't even recognize as the same man as I live with. There is that BPD kernel of truth that made him doubt himself while they were married, but now that he is out life is better.

Someday you will meet someone who sees and appreciates the real you, not the distorted version that was filtered through your ex's BPD lens.

My h's ex cheated and left with her best friend's husband, and still tries to paint my h as the bad guy. And yet, to people who haven't gotten on her wrong side, she looks normal. It doesn't seem fair.

Sadly, my daughter showed up as having BPD a couple of years ago, and I have come to believe that having BPD is its own punishment. My d is miserable.

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« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2014, 09:45:41 PM »

Mine left me for a friend and neighbour. They were secretly engaged three weeks after she ended things with me. Both of them we're complete a$$holes to me, and really tried to rub salt in my wounds. Really low class crap. They were married about 16 months after we ended. Well from what I can gather things are going great for them. Both of their dreams have come true. They both profess to have found their love of a life time! So much karmic justice. Makes me wonder on days like today if she really is Bpd. Maybe what she said about me was true, maybe I was the problem? I just want to know how on gods green earth she can keep the facade going for so long? Or is it that my ex friend is so dysfunctional themselves that all they are doing is enabling my ex to do what she wants? Maybe my ex has not heard NO yet in this relationship? Either way, it p!sses me off. Where is the nut job I dated for 6.5 years?

I was once like you.  Let me assure you, that no matter how happy it may "seem"... .its not.  Just because they are married, and their fb profile picture may show a happy, smiling couple... .its all a facade, a show... .just like just like their love for us was a facade, a show.

I know for a FACT, that the women I have been with were treated amazing.  I was head over heels in love with them and the way I treated them reflected that.  Yet, I was accused of cheating, lying, raged at, devalued, put down, physically beaten, publicly criticized, mocked, etc, etc... .as Im sure you were in some of these ways.  You more than rolled with the punches when this behavior occurred, instead of doing what you should have done and left.  Why?  Because she was drop dead gorgeous?  The sex was great?  You didnt want to be alone?  You were comfortable in the relationship and leaving it would be to uncertain?  You thought if you proved your love, worked harder, she would stop being psychotic?  Those are the reasons I stayed.

So if you were good to her and you were still abused... .why then, would she not continue this behavior with another man, who is possibly trying to "save" her as well?  If he has horrible boundaries, he is going through the same hell that you are going through, possibly worse.  

My uNPD ex left me for a guy while we were together.  They have been together for 6 years.  While I dont know him, I KNOW he is miserable.  Why?  Because he is in a sexless and abusive relationship.  How do I know that?  Because I was.  She has money and now they have 2 kids together.  They will be together for awhile, no doubt.   I would say, "God help him"... .but considering his character for seeing her behind my back, I say," have fun!"  

My uBPD ex left for our neighbor as well almost 4 years ago.  I treated that woman like gold... .yet I was accused of cheating and devalued all day long.  She clung to me like crazy, I couldnt even use the computer without her throwing a temper tantrum.  They are married now... .they look happy.  I know he is in hell. He's makes a lot of money (she demanded that from me), and I am sure that is why she stays with him.  She is good looking and loves sex, that is more than likely why he stays with her and endures the abuse.  How do I know that?  Because much to my chagrin, that is a main factor as to why I did.  I know he is getting exactly the same treatment as I did... .shes probably even demanding more money from him even though he makes a lot.  More more more! Thats how it goes.

My point is, they dont change.  Even if they are married for 20 years, there has got to be some external factor that keeps them together.  Ultimately, you, I, every one who wonders if we are "abnormal" because we couldnt make it work with a pwBPD needs to remember that most people with BPD dont change, its the people in their lives that do... .on a continuous basis.
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MommaBear
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« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2014, 05:39:18 AM »

I agree with others here that pxBPD are amazing at putting up a front. AND at getting their partners to help keep the image going in as many ways as possible.

Here and now, I'm prepping for a court case, thinking, "Who have I even TOLD about all the crazy things he did to me? Who would have believed me? I was too ashamed on the one hand, and on the other, the stunts he pulled her just so unbelievable, people would have thought I was making them up!"

I mean, they isolate you, they make you feel as if YOU'RE the crazy one, and God help you if you try and show anyone the truth about the relationship, right?

My ehwBPD is really, REALLY broadcasting his perfect relationship with the new replacement. But I know, deep down, what kind of man he is. He's cruel, and a part of him enjoys hurting people. He's a bully, and he doesn't know how else to get what he needs. And what he needs can change in the blink of an eye. There is no way he developed the emotional maturity of a grown man in such a short time.

Sometimes I think the more "perfect" the relationship on the surface, the uglier it is behind closed doors. I mean, why project this image if it's not real, after all?

I can tell a friend "Oh, my bf, you know, he's in a mood today" and not feel threatened by saying that. I don't need to post 100 FB photos of how happy we are, and brag to anyone who will listen about how perfect life is with him. In fact, we have problems. Not major ones, but we both have kids, and exes with pd's, so to say that it's a storybook romance is hardly accurate. This doesn't mean I'm not happy, or that I don't think we have a future together, it's just that the "perfect" relationship doesn't exist, so why does your ex feel the need to keep projecting this image? Why is "perfection" so important to them? In my case, the problems ARE being worked on, and will be resolved to some degree or another, and we both know that. No need to lie, or to hide behind some phoney image.

Think about it. Perfect isn't real, so the more perfect they project their relationship, the less real it is.

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camuse
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« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2014, 06:39:58 AM »

Mine often said, "I'm really really good at acting as if everything's ok" and indeed she is

and also "I'm really good at manipulating people."  as if this was a positive quality.

Sadly, nons tend to trust people largely and take them at face value, so it's easy to fall for the lies and spin of one of these monsters.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2014, 07:39:20 AM »

My BPD left me for a guy (we are both women).  She left me and moved in with him while we were still together. Then she just told me that she moved in with him and goodbye. I was devastated. Then apparently after a month she grew tired of him and ran off and married some other dude. In the meantime I was in therapy got my confidence back and met a great guy. We were dating and I was having a great time. I was happy.

Anyways she said to me one time when she was trying to justify what she did... ."When ever we broke up you ran off with some guy."  I was shocked. I just looked at her and was like I met one guy and that was when you took off and got married. Silence. She started talking about something else.

She saw me as the one who betrayed her. I won't ever understand this disorder. I just know that this people live a very sad life and I do believe they are incapable of being happy. At least the one I date is.
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Visitor
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« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2014, 07:53:56 AM »

I often question how the hell these pwBPD get to the marriage stage in the first place?... surely the huge warning flags start to appear. Even if the non-BPD is unaware of the condition (me) the symptoms are enough to leave a person fleeing for his life!

Dont ever give others the remote control to your happiness. If you're relationship has ended then give yourself a time out from dating, completely cut out your ex and get rid of all memories of her. You need to do some research and work on yourself rather than obsess about what an ex is doing.

You may even have to work on certain issues about yourself that attracted you to such a person in the first place. A person with low self esteem is a perfect target for a pwBPD.

Make this about you not her. That is the only way you will move on.

 

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Pingo
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« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2014, 08:13:59 AM »

I often question how the hell these pwBPD get to the marriage stage in the first place?... surely the huge warning flags start to appear. Even if the non-BPD is unaware of the condition (me) the symptoms are enough to leave a person fleeing for his life!

Dont ever give others the remote control to your happiness. If you're relationship has ended then give yourself a time out from dating, completely cut out your ex and get rid of all memories of her. You need to do some research and work on yourself rather than obsess about what an ex is doing.

You may even have to work on certain issues about yourself that attracted you to such a person in the first place. A person with low self esteem is a perfect target for a pwBPD.

Make this about you not her. That is the only way you will move on.

 

I married my uBPDh 3 years into the r/s.  I saw red flags within the first two months though.  At almost the 3 year mark I tried to break up with him and we almost did, he had half his stuff packed.  The grief was unbearable.  I thought because I was having such strong grief that it meant I shouldn't give up on the r/s.  The thought of losing him out of my life forever was unbearable.  I loved him so much.  I think this episode scared me and when we decided to work on the r/s again and not break up I jumped in with both feet.  I hated the ambiguity.  If I wasn't gong to end it then I was going to accept my role in it and try to make it work.  Then he got injured and in the hospital for a few days and of course my caretaker role went into overdrive.  I felt more needed than ever and I felt our love was deeper than ever (need = love).  Then I married him!  It is a decision that haunts me.  I understand why I married him (my desperate need for love stretching back to my childhood) but I am not at peace with it.  This is my second marriage and never would I have believed I'd be a twice-divorced woman.  I hate the idea of it.  I wish I had not been in such denial about the fact he was mentally ill.
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elessar
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« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2014, 10:35:25 AM »

Mine often said, "I'm really really good at acting as if everything's ok" and indeed she is

yup, mine always said "I put on a mask and then it is showtime!" and "It is exhausting to wear a mask all the time. I just want some peace and be myself." And obviously infinite variations of lying and acting to show all is good.
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elessar
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« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2014, 10:40:01 AM »

I often question how the hell these pwBPD get to the marriage stage in the first place?

If you search through the internet, you will notice a pattern that most get married when the marriage is a quick shot-gun marriage. Sometimes they are married within a couple of months of meeting someone (like my ex is trying to right now). And many times they get married when the non lives in denial and believes "they will change only if I do XYZ for them". I wanted to marry my ex despite knowing and experiencing everything, even about BPD, because I thought marrying me and leaving her parents' home will take away the primary cause of abuse of her life. They get married when the non is floored by their charms in the early goings, or when the non has a savior complex (the finger is pointing towards me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) And they insist on marriage right off the bat, within a matter of weeks of being "close"... .emotionally/physically. Because I feel they fear abandonment, they want to make sure they have you down.
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Gmoney

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« Reply #19 on: August 21, 2014, 09:56:54 PM »

I often question how the hell these pwBPD get to the marriage stage in the first place?... surely the huge warning flags start to appear. Even if the non-BPD is unaware of the condition (me) the symptoms are enough to leave a person fleeing for his life!

Dont ever give others the remote control to your happiness. If you're relationship has ended then give yourself a time out from dating, completely cut out your ex and get rid of all memories of her. You need to do some research and work on yourself rather than obsess about what an ex is doing.

You may even have to work on certain issues about yourself that attracted you to such a person in the first place. A person with low self esteem is a perfect target for a pwBPD.



Make this about you not her. That is the only way you will move on.

 

Mine got pregnant on purpose.   Obviously it takes two to tango but she assured me she was on birth control which she was... .until  she decided i wasn't marrying her fast enough so she just "got pregnant" (admitted it tears later). 

I am curious to see how she gets the replacement to stay and for how long. 
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Visitor
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« Reply #20 on: August 23, 2014, 07:44:34 AM »

I often question how the hell these pwBPD get to the marriage stage in the first place?... surely the huge warning flags start to appear. Even if the non-BPD is unaware of the condition (me) the symptoms are enough to leave a person fleeing for his life!

Dont ever give others the remote control to your happiness. If you're relationship has ended then give yourself a time out from dating, completely cut out your ex and get rid of all memories of her. You need to do some research and work on yourself rather than obsess about what an ex is doing.

You may even have to work on certain issues about yourself that attracted you to such a person in the first place. A person with low self esteem is a perfect target for a pwBPD.



Make this about you not her. That is the only way you will move on.

 

I am curious to see how she gets the replacement to stay and for how long. 

Yeah me too. When I left her she did the usual angry texts and email thing then stopped all contact. A few weeks in a text her to ask her a question and she called me saying don't contact her she is happy now and never wants to hear from me again as she has found a new partner that makes her happy.

Inevitably that relationship (long distance  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)) also crashed and burned (it was all his fault  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)) after about 3 months.

She has split me black now  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) so not I wont know how the others go but Ill find out some how as its entertaining to watch it all play out.



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« Reply #21 on: August 23, 2014, 08:24:41 AM »

1 year and 1 week.   We were married for 19.5 years, together for 22.  Life became "all about her" the very day we got married.  My role from then on out was just to take care of her and provide for her but I kept myself in a state of denial in order to cope with it.

Once she decided to kick it into high gear and start cheating big time, she was out of our house in 2 months.  I later found a picture on her phone she sent to what is now her husband which said "Will you marry me?"  6 DAYS after she moved out.  6 freaking days.  She told me that the NPD she's married to now asked her to divorce me 3 weeks into their affair.  Now I think it was probably the other way around as he was also married at the time.

And here's an extra bit of sickness to this.   He got divorced on a Monday and married my ex on that following Friday of the same week!   WHO DOES THIS?

They do because it's what they do.

They've moved to another state and she's almost completely out of our children's lives now.  (S14, D20)   Our daughter recently has gone NC as she doesn't want to listen to her mother's BS anymore.  Actions speak louder than words and all BPD's have to their credit are words.  Pay attention to their actions and you'll know the truth.
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