A lesson learned - it is not you

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This post is mostly for new members, and those of us still wondering if we are to blame or if it is us.

After 10 days of living on these boards and not eating or sleeping, I feel a lot calmer since last night. I used to defend my relationship with my ex during college days (8.5 years back) saying at that time nothing was wrong. But looking back, there was push and pull even then too. Even in 2005 she used turn me down every night saying she can't be with me, to come back the next day. It became our inner joke. Even then she was manipulative, which my psych showed me. 4.5 months after she abruptly left, she called me to bring her a pregnancy test because she wasn't sure if she is pregnant. Not till last week did I ever think of it as a manipulative move. But something didn't feel right then.

Over the last 4 years, I have noticed that when we are at a distance and talking in a formal way, the relationship/friendship is fine. The moment we become emotionally/physically close, it has never lasted more than 2 months. Even if everything is going fine, she has to make up something to create drama. And looking back, most of those dramas were to test me... .to see how much am I willing to sacrifice for her. Couple of years she asked me, "you can't just take a few slaps from my father for me?"

As a professional scientist, I should look at the pattern and stop doubting myself. We all should. I should stop looking at it emotionally and look at it logically. And logically, the relationship has always followed the same formula. Every return of her is because she has some problem, mostly with family. Every return starts with sex. Then 2-6 weeks later starts going down till it ends. And few weeks later it starts. Sometimes it doesn't end too badly and we are in a distant formal relationship. Then in those casual conversations nothing is wrong. And it falls into the exact BPD category - close emotional/physical relationship triggers them, especially if they are high-functioning. Because then no one else sees the problem, only their intimate partners.

Talking to friends isn't always helpful. A lot of them aren't intellectuals, so they aren't willing to listen. They blame me for labeling her out of some google search. None are willing to hear how many hours a day for how many months I did my research. And during a year of abuse I did not know what was going on. I didn't come across BPD for nearly a year and a half. So if someone doesn't believe you, you always have these boards, or a therapist who understands BPD.

Vent here if you must, we all do. But do not blame yourself wondering "only if I had tried more or done something different." you could be Jesus or Muhammad and they will find a fault in you. She is Muslim and I used to joke with her "I can be Muhammad and it won't be good enough." Unfortunately, even while those words were coming out of my mouth, I wasn't seeing the   of my own words.

I am a person who cares about "fairness". Maybe a lot of you do too. And it absolutely stinks that we can do so much for someone, and they so unfairly dump us and replace us. That part of the relationship kills me. I wonder "then why work hard for anyone, why even bother in the future". You know, people will leave us... .BPD or not. People cheat. People lie. People abandon us. Life is unfair. But I am not a religious person who says "something better is in the works". I am someone who believes to fix this unfairness in society. I cannot fix my ex, but I can create awareness how childhood abuse and neglect are contributing factors towards BPD. I am not going to sit back and say this was my fate. This fate might have been different if she had a loving family. We can work on a better world, rather than fixing an individual.

Only you know your BPD the best. Some of you knew them for months. Some knew them for decades. Those who know them the longest know the pattern. It is like a formula. It is like an algebraic equation. You can predict what is coming next when you face a certain situation. And once you know that, you know it is the disorder, and not you. For example in my ex's case, they get arranged married. They see the photographs of the person, see the education/income, see the 'outward appearance' of the family, and within a couple of months they get married. I think it is crazy. Conservatives from the eastern world hail their arranged marriage, but it lasts because divorce was impossible. It lasts in an unhappy state where each person just does their chores and duties of raising children. And my ex said yes to this guy last month and they were supposed to be married this month. That knowledge killed me because last month she was still pulling me and wanting to marry me. But I thought long and hard and used logic - she has met him once. They have formal conversations through text and phone in the past 5 weeks. Nothing has yet happened that would trigger her (as far as I know). But I know that trigger will happen. I know her process, and I know what will trigger her in the future. And then the story will be the same.

So trust the process and don't doubt yourself. It is the disorder that caused the break up, not you.

[elessar]

This post is mostly for new members, and those of us still wondering if we are to blame or if it is us.

After 10 days of living on these boards and not eating or sleeping, I feel a lot calmer since last night. I used to defend my relationship with my ex during college days (8.5 years back) saying at that time nothing was wrong. But looking back, there was push and pull even then too. Even in 2005 she used turn me down every night saying she can't be with me, to come back the next day. It became our inner joke. Even then she was manipulative, which my psych showed me. 4.5 months after she abruptly left, she called me to bring her a pregnancy test because she wasn't sure if she is pregnant. Not till last week did I ever think of it as a manipulative move. But something didn't feel right then.

Over the last 4 years, I have noticed that when we are at a distance and talking in a formal way, the relationship/friendship is fine. The moment we become emotionally/physically close, it has never lasted more than 2 months. Even if everything is going fine, she has to make up something to create drama. And looking back, most of those dramas were to test me... .to see how much am I willing to sacrifice for her. Couple of years she asked me, "you can't just take a few slaps from my father for me?"

As a professional scientist, I should look at the pattern and stop doubting myself. We all should. I should stop looking at it emotionally and look at it logically. And logically, the relationship has always followed the same formula. Every return of her is because she has some problem, mostly with family. Every return starts with sex. Then 2-6 weeks later starts going down till it ends. And few weeks later it starts. Sometimes it doesn't end too badly and we are in a distant formal relationship. Then in those casual conversations nothing is wrong. And it falls into the exact BPD category - close emotional/physical relationship triggers them, especially if they are high-functioning. Because then no one else sees the problem, only their intimate partners.

Talking to friends isn't always helpful. A lot of them aren't intellectuals, so they aren't willing to listen. They blame me for labeling her out of some google search. None are willing to hear how many hours a day for how many months I did my research. And during a year of abuse I did not know what was going on. I didn't come across BPD for nearly a year and a half. So if someone doesn't believe you, you always have these boards, or a therapist who understands BPD.

Vent here if you must, we all do. But do not blame yourself wondering "only if I had tried more or done something different." you could be Jesus or Muhammad and they will find a fault in you. She is Muslim and I used to joke with her "I can be Muhammad and it won't be good enough." Unfortunately, even while those words were coming out of my mouth, I wasn't seeing the   of my own words.

I am a person who cares about "fairness". Maybe a lot of you do too. And it absolutely stinks that we can do so much for someone, and they so unfairly dump us and replace us. That part of the relationship kills me. I wonder "then why work hard for anyone, why even bother in the future". You know, people will leave us... .BPD or not. People cheat. People lie. People abandon us. Life is unfair. But I am not a religious person who says "something better is in the works". I am someone who believes to fix this unfairness in society. I cannot fix my ex, but I can create awareness how childhood abuse and neglect are contributing factors towards BPD. I am not going to sit back and say this was my fate. This fate might have been different if she had a loving family. We can work on a better world, rather than fixing an individual.

Only you know your BPD the best. Some of you knew them for months. Some knew them for decades. Those who know them the longest know the pattern. It is like a formula. It is like an algebraic equation. You can predict what is coming next when you face a certain situation. And once you know that, you know it is the disorder, and not you. For example in my ex's case, they get arranged married. They see the photographs of the person, see the education/income, see the 'outward appearance' of the family, and within a couple of months they get married. I think it is crazy. Conservatives from the eastern world hail their arranged marriage, but it lasts because divorce was impossible. It lasts in an unhappy state where each person just does their chores and duties of raising children. And my ex said yes to this guy last month and they were supposed to be married this month. That knowledge killed me because last month she was still pulling me and wanting to marry me. But I thought long and hard and used logic - she has met him once. They have formal conversations through text and phone in the past 5 weeks. Nothing has yet happened that would trigger her (as far as I know). But I know that trigger will happen. I know her process, and I know what will trigger her in the future. And then the story will be the same.

So trust the process and don't doubt yourself. It is the disorder that caused the break up, not you.

[pieceofme]

this is an excellent post! i have noticed the same - at a distance, peace can be maintained. intimacy (whether emotional or physical) always triggers his fear of engulfment. whether it's a tantrum, meltdown, or drama-filled rage, he will do damn near anything to destroy our closeness.

Those who know them the longest know the pattern. It is like a formula. It is like an algebraic equation. You can predict what is coming next when you face a certain situation. And once you know that, you know it is the disorder, and not you.

i love how you explained this. thank you for the reminder.

[elessar]

you are welcome. I am glad this helped 

[hope4tomorrow]

Well said.  Thanks for the reminder!

[Mutt]

I should stop looking at it emotionally and look at it logically.

                        

I like breaking things down in a logical manner and figuring all of the bits out. It's who I am. Learning about the disorder depersonalizes the behavior but it still effects me emotionally from time to time.

                        

Talking to friends isn't always helpful. A lot of them aren't intellectuals, so they aren't willing to listen. They blame me for labeling her out of some google search.

                        

I had one friend that was interested and understood. He's an engineer and was my best man. I found a lot of people are too busy in their own things.  It's difficult to understand mental illness and I found it was easier for them to blame me for "not getting over it" I was coming out of a long-term relationship, marriage. It wasn't them going through this, I was. I needed to know the truth, so many things didn't make sense and it hurt. Deeply.

                        

I cannot fix my ex, but I can create awareness how childhood abuse and neglect are contributing factors towards BPD. I am not going to sit back and say this was my fate. This fate might have been different if she had a loving family. We can work on a better world, rather than fixing an individual.

                        

I like your goal I have control over my actions elessar. I would like to share my goal -  not to alienate, learn, understand and educate.

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex said yes to another man and was wanting to marry you

It is the disorder that caused the break up, not you.

Truth. It is an attachment disorder.

[elessar]

Yeah well she's been saying "I am going to get married very soon" for 4 years now. Early last year she was dating someone and was gone for 6 weeks before coming back saying "I nearly got married." This time its come closest to happening I believe. But according to her friend yesterday, it keeps getting postponed for unknown reasons. And I am thinking... .no s*%t... .because trying to get married in 6-7 weeks after accepting an arranged marriage proposal from a virtual stranger is 'normal'. I feel the longer it gets pushed, the more her traits and triggers might start appearing. And I think that is one reason why she pushes for marriage right away, while its still in the "formal conversation" or honeymoon phase or when she is lying. Could you imagine a guy marrying a virtual stranger if he found out that she was sleeping with her ex of 10 yrs few days before, or was wanting to marry him the day of accepting the proposal? If I was that guy and I found out this information, I would run like Usain Bolt.

[Mutt]

I couldn't  imagine marrying a virtual stranger and her sleeping with an ex a few days before. That's tough.

What would logic dictate for you here?

If it were me - she may or not get married. I control how I react to it.

I would tell mutual friends and family that I don't want to hear news about ex. It's too painful and don't update me on news about her. I hope that you understand.

I told my family / friends that saw my wife about town with bf to not relay "news". They respected my wishes. I lessened my triggers and it was easier on the heart.

[Alex86]

Thanks man for the thoughtful post. I can relate exactly to it. This is the day I met her.

All I have left is this feeling of unfairness. In every day of my life I try to be fair. I also have a scientific background and I tend to be a little stubborn for things to work out.

I really tried so hard to make it work. I lost myself in the process (see related thread) to only get "it's your fault". I also had other external factors affecting the r/s and my ex, trying to test me in every way she could to prove my love. In our last contact she said to me "it was not so serious what we had... .you have it wrong in your mind". Really? Reeeeaaaaallllly? Always trying to tell me what I felt. So tiring. It was like a love competition.

I didn't want to believe it, I thought she could pass these emotions, to change, to see her actions, herself but... ."the disorder always win".

[elessar]

I tend to be a little stubborn for things to work out.

In our last contact she said to me "it was not so serious what we had... .you have it wrong in your mind".

Yup, stubbornness trying to make it work is a flaw of mine too. I can't give up or let go. It is something I have to work on.

And what she said to you was her convincing herself to not feel guilty. A year and a half back my ex told me, "I didn't see love in your eyes these past two years". Next day she was on a date. I realized she said that to me so she won't feel guilty. Because 2 days prior she was all in love with me.

Same thing last month too - 'you aren't educated enough (me with PhD), won't ever find a job, won't be able to support me financially' so she can accept someone's proposal that same night, after wanting to marry me earlier that afternoon.  ... .

its not about us. its about them creating realities in their head to defend their current feelings/actions. that is how i came across BPD in early 2012. after months of confusion i started searching "my girlfriend lives in an alternate reality".

[camuse]

I tend to be a little stubborn for things to work out.

In our last contact she said to me "it was not so serious what we had... .you have it wrong in your mind".

Yup, stubbornness trying to make it work is a flaw of mine too. I can't give up or let go. It is something I have to work on.

And what she said to you was her convincing herself to not feel guilty. A year and a half back my ex told me, "I didn't see love in your eyes these past two years". Next day she was on a date. I realized she said that to me so she won't feel guilty. Because 2 days prior she was all in love with me.

Same thing last month too - 'you aren't educated enough (me with PhD), won't ever find a job, won't be able to support me financially' so she can accept someone's proposal that same night, after wanting to marry me earlier that afternoon.  ... .

its not about us. its about them creating realities in their head to defend their current feelings/actions. that is how i came across BPD in early 2012. after months of confusion i started searching "my girlfriend lives in an alternate reality".

Yes, I too have had to accept I'm a bit of a control freak with an ego issue, thinking I can control everything and sort everything out. It's a learn for me. Accept people for what they are, not what you want them to be.

And similarly, mine would say "you're slipping away" whenever she was pushing me away. She was the one slipping away.

Their minds are so messed up, there is just no getting through to them - reality is whatever they want it to be, truth is whatever is in their mind. It's why there is no closure, and the breakups make so little sense. They are like a different species. Trying to reason with them is like trying to teach a duck to talk. Try as hard as you like, that duck ain't never gonna be able to talk.

[elessar]

Trying to reason with them is like trying to teach a duck to talk. Try as hard as you like, that duck ain't never gonna be able to talk.

I'll take up the challenge. I am sure I can teach a duck to talk before we can have a logical reasoning conversation with them! 

[Alex86]

I tend to be a little stubborn for things to work out.

In our last contact she said to me "it was not so serious what we had... .you have it wrong in your mind".

Yup, stubbornness trying to make it work is a flaw of mine too. I can't give up or let go. It is something I have to work on.

Yes, I too have had to accept I'm a bit of a control freak with an ego issue, thinking I can control everything and sort everything out. It's a learn for me. Accept people for what they are, not what you want them to be.

i don't think this stubbornness is necessarily bad. At least for me comes from the fact that when I feel someone as my love, I'm prepared to make sacrifices as much as I can in order to help her. I have learnt the hard way to make sacrifices in life for important things and I have a lot of patience ( you know when you have to test your theories and models and you have to do them again  ) to accomplish my dreams. I think we shouldn't consider these values or whatever as bad because PWBPD take advantage of them.

However, this r/s was beyond my powers. Another important factor was that I couldn't discuss anything and offer my help. She wouldn't take it. In the end I was empty... .without patience or feelings and... .unforgivable!