Help-- how do I establish NC without escalating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

For a while my ex dBPD went silent on me so NC was not difficult in terms of her (it was in terms of my own heart) but today-- after we exchanged the last of our stuff-- she's escalating and texting me a lot -- very angrily. I'm a bit scared actually. Do you all have any tips for how to deescalate while re-establishing NC. Would you recommend just not answering her texts? I've tried to use BIFF but she is asking me lots of questions and gets so angry when I don't respond. Any advice you all might have is very very appreciated.

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

For a while my ex dBPD went silent on me so NC was not difficult in terms of her (it was in terms of my own heart) but today-- after we exchanged the last of our stuff-- she's escalating and texting me a lot -- very angrily. I'm a bit scared actually. Do you all have any tips for how to deescalate while re-establishing NC. Would you recommend just not answering her texts? I've tried to use BIFF but she is asking me lots of questions and gets so angry when I don't respond. Any advice you all might have is very very appreciated.

[Mutt]

This is difficult when she is text bombing you. Don't use techniques. She is boundary busting at this point. Don't respond. Can you filter / block her texts so it lessens anxieties for you? It's hard when you get indicators on your phone.

[kc sunshine]

Okay, will do. I'm worried though that not responding might escalate it and then she'll come over or something. But I suppose responding wouldn't save me from her doing that either.

[Infared]

Block her phone number.

Change your phone number, if need be.

If she comes over, you have locks for your door and window blinds, no?

Rise up and take care of you. Don't engage, but don't cower at her aggression, and do please observe her sickness clearly.

Whatever you need to do, to take care of you. BPD's need contact to maintain power & control over their prey. It takes a LOT of courage to cut them off when we are still hooked in to their spell... .but just look at it as saving YOUR life and it starts to come together mentally for you. This is survival from a manic enemy. Sad, but true!

Give her no reward for her inappropriate behavior. Let her succeed and she will use it again., because the behavior got her what she wanted. Control.

[Mutt]

Okay, will do. I'm worried though that not responding might escalate it and then she'll come over or something. But I suppose responding wouldn't save me from her doing that either.

I understand the concerns and the logic. She may be going through an extinction burst. You want to remain consistent. No means no, defend your boundaries. It will taper off but you need to maintain radio silence. Worry about your needs not her needs.

Here is a 2 min video on youtube on how extinction burst works

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

Common Trap: Remember, you don't want to inadvertently give them intermittent reinforcement to dysregulated behavior. This is easy to do, and once established extremely difficult to unlearn.

Intermittent reinforcement: slot machines use this. They pay out on irregular schedules. You never know when you will win, but you know that if you keep pulling the handle that sooner or later a pay out will occur. It may happen on the third pull or the twentieth pull, but you will win if you keep trying. The fact that you KNOW that you will eventually win, keeps you hooked into trying.

What does this mean? If you tell your partner that you won't answer the phone while at work, and they call you 20 times, and you answer on the 21st attempt, you have just inadvertantly given them intermittent reinforcement. Now they know that if they bug you enough, that you will always eventually respond. This actually escalates the behavior you are trying to stop. They believe they can win if they just keep pulling the lever, even if they go broke trying, they will keep at it. The more irregular and unpredictable your response to them, the more they will keep trying. It is the combination of hoping they will get their way and not knowing when it will happen that keeps them trying.

How to discourage dysregulated behavior.?

Consistency in not responding is the only way to discourage undesired behavior... .

Your partner has to learn that  when you say no, that you mean no.  Any hint of weakness is a reward, encouraging him/her to continue trying.

[myself]

She's your ex. She got her stuff. It's her life/your life now.

If responding, may as well be honest with her.

Tell her you need some time to yourself.

To think, sleep, move on, whatever.

I've found what works best, for me, is to not reply.

Is there a point where it changes, or does it continue?

Extinction burst, control attempts, loneliness, despair, who knows.

My ex just showed up, the way you're describing.

I was real with her. She couldn't face it/face herself. She left again.

[Recooperating]

Hi KC Sunshine,

Man, what a mess! I know how you feel. My exBPD would send me angry messages like that too. 75 messages in 2-3 hours was the average... .Please block! Nothing she types is true, nothing she types matters anymore! You are a kick ass strong, good person! If she is angry, thats her problem! Step out of the drama she is trying to create.

My ex would say such awefull things about me in the texts, that I couldnt resist defending myself. Thats what he wanted, a response, attention negative if need be! He would lure be back like this... .I blocked everything now, his phonenumber, email, FB. The only way for him to reach me is by calling without caller ID.

Feel the anxiety these messages give you, be very aware of how she makes you feel. This feeling is not what you want for yourself... .Only way to do that... .Stay NC! You can do it!

[kc sunshine]

Thanks you all so much-- for being there to turn to in the crisis of last night, and for the words of wisdom. 

[bigredboomer]

I ended up changing my phone number and blocking their email.  When I encountered them at events I pretended they didn't exist.  It sounds cold but this is about protecting your sanity.