My exBPDgf was "nice"

[Visitor]

I'm hearing a lot of stories of peoples ex BPDgf/bf cheating and doing horrible things to them.

I must say although the girl I was with showed all the traits of a pwBPD she was actually a very kind person at heart.

She cared so much about her family and was excellent with children (we didnt have any). She was sending me gifts all the time and would do anything for me.

The fits of rage, jealousy and the constant neediness is what pushed me away in the end. I was always 100% confident that she would never cheat on me and she did nothing to me out of spite. Her rage triggers where the bi-product of unrequented love and disappointment.

I was far from a good boyfriend to her and can honestly say I should have ended it much earlier instead of stringing her along and enjoying the adulation she offered.

When I left her she became very nasty and hate filled but anger is part of heartbreak. I have been through heart break and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I can't imagine what it must feel like for a BPD sufferer.

Was anybody elses BPD sufferer nice to them or where they all the devil incarnated?

[elessar]

They are nice people. I would call mine a very kind hearted individual. It is what triggers them. I knew mine since we were 15 and 16, respectively. She was amazing person. We dated at the end of college, and I thought it was amazing. Looking back over the past few days with my T, I realize there were lots of subtle manipulation and disrespect. But it didn't feel that way to me. I just thought in a relationship "I have to give this or that and do this or that". So the four years she disappeared from my life, I felt I lost an amazing person. In those first 6 years, I saw her get angry maybe only a couple of times, but never a full on rage. When she returned to my life 4 years back, maybe for the first 8-9 months I thought she was flawless who was going through problems because of past and current abusive relationship at home. I thought her rages were due to her stress. And in those 8-9 months, rages towards me happened maybe 2-3 times. Rest were just push and pull, suicidal threats because of parents, and other small manipulations etc. It was only when her fear of abandonment was triggered three years back, that's when all hell broke lose and since then its been a mixture of hell and heaven. When she isn't triggered, she worships you. But that is a   too. And when she feels triggered, she makes you the worst human on this planet. And once the original trigger towards you starts, then they start coming more and more frequently. No matter what you do, if idealization and devaluation follow a pattern of lasting two months, you know its not normal human behavior. It really depends how long your relationship has been, and if they had been triggered during that time frame.

[elessar]

Another thing with BPD, their rages will come out of nowhere because of stuff they might make up in their head. Anger, jealousy, rage are all human emotions. We all have them. That doesn't make a person a BPD. To be a BPD those traits have to be pervasive, and affect their overall lives in a negative manner. I might go through all the BPD traits over a period of a couple of months. But to be a BPD means it has to be there with you for years, not just because someone did something to you or you are going through a temporal bad phase in life. BPDs will create drama and tension when everything is fine, which a normal person won't.

[Visitor]

Oh it was all there. Suicide attempts in past (hospitalized)... tumultuous past relationships, rage attacks over the most trivial things that left me in complete shock, very promiscuous sexual past, splitting me black, idolizing me throughout the relationship, constantly abusing my boundaries and pushing for the next stage in the relationship, jealous that I was sleeping with my ex all the time (I wasn't). Extreme anxiety, slightly controlling behavior. great sex (did anything).

The thing was I never fell in love with her so I maintained the control in the relationship. I knew there was problems at the beginning but staid around because I was simply enjoying it. She was a good looking girl and she loved me more than any other girl has loved me and I enjoyed being with her for the most part. It was just when the craziness crept in that made me keep things at arms length.

I know for a fact she would never cheat on me but the relationship was very short lived so who knows. That kind of mad love just isn't sustainable and eventually she may have got bored. Especially if I had of fallen in love with her.

Its like a cat with a piece of string. When you pick it up and play with it the cat cant catch the string so it starts be interested in catching it. If you drop the string on the floor it becomes to easy for the cat and it just gets bored and walks away.

I guess that's like any relationship though. If you drop the string the partner just gets bored.

[willtimeheal]

Mine was nice for the first year and a half. She made me feel good about myself and bought me gifts and we were really happy. I would have never thought she was cheating on me at this time... .but surprise she was!  Soon the horns grew out of her head and she became this nasty nasty person. She took great pride in making me feel like crap.  So yes mine was nice for a while but then her mask fell off.

[Suspicious1]

Oh goodness, mine was lovely. For two months out of every three. His splitting white would last just over two months at a time, during which time he couldn't do enough for me, he was loving, dependable, interesting, great company, thoughtful, romantic. I couldn't really fault him. But every third month he'd split me black and then... .wow.

[Caramel]

Yes Visitor. My partner was very nice too. That was and still is the most confusing part to me. He was very sensitive, considerate and kind. Always tried to help others, was very nice to animals and was very spiritual. But he could be very mean too. Specially to me. Seemed like there were two people residing in him. It was sad.

[elessar]

His splitting white would last just over two months at a time.

This two month, or 6-8 week thing, is something I have repeatedly seen online and experienced over the years. There must be something to it. Can't just be a coincidence.

[Suspicious1]

Seriously Elessar? It was like clockwork for me but I've never heard of anyone else on a cycle like that. I was discarded in August, November, February and May. Of course the devaluing happened slightly before each discard, but not by much. I'm rather glad I got out in May as I'd have been due another one right about now, and as it is I'm wondering if anything will happen... .

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, it totally is like dealing with two people in one. One so lovely, and the other so mean. So devastating when you love that lovely one. From reading these boards, though, it seems as if the lovely one is also imbalanced (too idealizing, etc).

[willtimeheal]

See once mine turned mean and nasty she stayed mean and nasty. She never got back to "that nice person" I originally met. She is just a nasty nasty person. But then again that "nice" person was  cheating on me behind my back so I am not sure she was ever really nice.

[toomanytears]

Yeah, it totally is like dealing with two people in one. One so lovely, and the other so mean. So devastating when you love that lovely one. From reading these boards, though, it seems as if the lovely one is also imbalanced (too idealizing, etc).

The lovely man I married was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm still finding it hard to get him out of my head because the idealisation was so intense - for over 30 years. The splitting happened every few weeks and when it did it was acutely painful. I have to keep reminding of myself of the red flags and reading this site to process the end of our relationship.

[Dutched]

I'm hearing a lot of stories of peoples ex BPDgf/bf cheating and doing horrible things to them.

I must say although the girl I was with showed all the traits of a pwBPD she was actually a very kind person at heart.

She cared so much about her family and was excellent with children (we didnt have any).

Was anybody elses BPD sufferer nice to them or where they all the devil incarnated?

I can relate to that. She was for me and others a beautiful woman at heart, if she had no outburst (which got severe and more intense as of 40+ yrs of age).

Despite all, a woman to grow old with, specially after I was able to canalize her behaviour after having joined a local Group for family members/ partners.

A woman so loving for my kids too. But until kids get more independent, than the kids outgrow on an emotional level and become a kind of love-objects on a rubber cord… (despite the love a BPD has for the kids).

[Hopeless777]

Yeah, it totally is like dealing with two people in one. One so lovely, and the other so mean. So devastating when you love that lovely one. From reading these boards, though, it seems as if the lovely one is also imbalanced (too idealizing, etc).

The lovely man I married was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm still finding it hard to get him out of my head because the idealisation was so intense - for over 30 years. The splitting happened every few weeks and when it did it was acutely painful. I have to keep reminding of myself of the red flags and reading this site to process the end of our relationship.

TMT:

28 years here. Two years ago, after a tumultuous prior 20 years, I said I was done with her moods! Oh no, the magic words were said, unbeknownst to me yielding underlying abandonment fears, and it was the beginning of the end. Now separated almost three months, NC six weeks, all is lawyers! Hard to even fathom no future, no past, no parent with her. Definitely hard and requiring every emotional support system I've been able to find. This site has been such a blessing.

[goldylamont]

I'm hearing a lot of stories of peoples ex BPDgf/bf cheating and doing horrible things to them.

I must say although the girl I was with showed all the traits of a pwBPD she was actually a very kind person at heart.

She cared so much about her family and was excellent with children (we didnt have any). She was sending me gifts all the time and would do anything for me.

The fits of rage, jealousy and the constant neediness is what pushed me away in the end. I was always 100% confident that she would never cheat on me and she did nothing to me out of spite. Her rage triggers where the bi-product of unrequented love and disappointment.

I was far from a good boyfriend to her and can honestly say I should have ended it much earlier instead of stringing her along and enjoying the adulation she offered.

When I left her she became very nasty and hate filled but anger is part of heartbreak. I have been through heart break and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I can't imagine what it must feel like for a BPD sufferer.

Was anybody elses BPD sufferer nice to them or where they all the devil incarnated?

i would go so far as to say that my ex is a nice person. to most people. most of the time. but my ex was very high functioning from what i can tell. no real substance abuse problems, and although she told me she had social anxieties this wasn't something others could pick up on (even me) as she hid it so well.

if we are just doing a count of good moments vs. bad moments, i'd say over four years i had many more good/normal moments than bad. during the final breakdown and breakup of our r/s though, the bad coming from her was so intense that it just kind of washed all the good away. i was just talking to a friend the other day and trying to explain why i wouldn't be friends with her, and it's not just about past pain, much of which i processed, but just because all trust in this person was destroyed repeatedly chance after chance.

it sounds like you broke things off with your ex during the second stage--the "clinger" stage of the r/s. so while you did see some nastiness from her you were already at a high level of detachment and she never got to the "hater" stage until things were over. so i think you probably cut things off before you saw the full brunt of her behavior.

you mention though that you're 100% confident that she would never cheat on you though. and you base this off the fact that she was so clingy and jealous, which would lead one to believe that this person wouldn't cheat. because they are so invested of you. this isn't so true though Visitor. when i went through the clinger phase(s) with my ex i thought the same as you did--the jealously was a bit much but i never suspected cheating. however after seeing her in full hate mode and experiencing a lot of her projection, i would say that her jealousies were rooted in the fact that she herself is a cheater. she herself has thoughts of infidelity and through projection she'll assumed that you do too. i don't have any evidence that my ex cheated, however i see her jealousies in a different light now--more of an indicator that she would have or wanted to rather than my previous way of thinking that she wasn't capable of it. in the same way, you are probably projecting your personality onto her--that being if you feel jealous with a partner, the last thing on your mind is cheating. you're too worried about your partner. with pwBPD though the jealousy tends to be projections of how they feel themselves -- my ex said I was controlling. i wasn't but she was. my ex said that i wanted to smear her name, i didn't want to, but she did this to me. my ex said i was a cheater. i didn't cheat... .did she?

[Blimblam]

Yea I agree goldy.  My ex would never have cheated on me durring the early phases when I hadn't fully commited my heart and soul to her.  Once I had commited fully to her she changed. My ex was the sweetest kindest person in the beginning stages.  Once my ex began to resent me for no good reason and feared she might lose me the cheating began.  The hater phase is extremely painful if you bonded your soul to hers. It is heart breaking to be one who gives it your everything then see her chase after people who string her a long and don't care that much about them. 

[Pingo]

I ended my r/s during the 'clinger' stage as well, tons of jealousy and possessiveness.  I never thought for a minute he had been or would have been unfaithful.  I didn't realise that the jealousy/possessiveness was projection, I thought it was because (as he told it) he had been screwed around on before.  The feeling of being possessed along with his crazy rages was what pushed me to end it.  It wasn't the first time (we had broke up 3 months before for a month or so).  What I found out a couple of weeks after we split the last time was that he was living with his ex gf.  What I also found out was that he had been living with her on our first split!  I was blindsided.  It was his sister-in-law that told me.  I would have never guessed that he would do that in a million years yet it all made sense why he was so jealous of me... .projection!  And there were jealousy issues right from the start.  So God knows what else he hid from me.

There were more good times than bad through our 4 yr r/s and when things were good he was a real sweetheart.  But when things were bad he was just not a nice person.

[Bak86]

My ex never cheated on me either. She was afraid of men anyway.

[willtimeheal]

Mine married the first one that asked her just so she wouldn't have to be alone. She hardly knew him. But she said yes cuz she was afraid no one else would want her.  Talk about setting a great example for your kids.

[toomanytears]

Yeah, it totally is like dealing with two people in one. One so lovely, and the other so mean. So devastating when you love that lovely one. From reading these boards, though, it seems as if the lovely one is also imbalanced (too idealizing, etc).

The lovely man I married was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm still finding it hard to get him out of my head because the idealisation was so intense - for over 30 years. The splitting happened every few weeks and when it did it was acutely painful. I have to keep reminding of myself of the red flags and reading this site to process the end of our relationship.

TMT:

28 years here. Two years ago, after a tumultuous prior 20 years, I said I was done with her moods! Oh no, the magic words were said, unbeknownst to me yielding underlying abandonment fears, and it was the beginning of the end. Now separated almost three months, NC six weeks, all is lawyers! Hard to even fathom no future, no past, no parent with her. Definitely hard and requiring every emotional support system I've been able to find. This site has been such a blessing.

Hopeless777 I understand absolutely what you are going through. For me half my life was hooked up in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Therapy has helped and lots of support from friends and family, but in the end I have to process it, a bit like getting rid of a poison in the system. Exactly like. So muddled up at times. Then clear headed and much happier than before. The hardest thing is I always so wanted to be in a partnership, with a soulmate. I convinced myself that I was. Now see that I wasn't, but the longing for a soulmate is still there. This time around I will find someone who is truly 'nice' and not just pretending.