speed with which i am split black

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

last sunday, monday and tuesday, my ex launched a recycle attempt, claiming he wanted to make me happy, satisfy and please me. it ended with him furious because i refused to sleep with him. thursday morning he called as if nothing had happened! he asked what i was doing, when i was coming home. the conversation was good... .as good as it can be at this point. with the exception of a brief, horrid text exchange yesterday, i haven't heard from him. even though i've come to expect it, the rapid speed with which he splits me black always shocks me.

is it typical for the frequency and speed of these splits to increase?

[pieceofme]

last sunday, monday and tuesday, my ex launched a recycle attempt, claiming he wanted to make me happy, satisfy and please me. it ended with him furious because i refused to sleep with him. thursday morning he called as if nothing had happened! he asked what i was doing, when i was coming home. the conversation was good... .as good as it can be at this point. with the exception of a brief, horrid text exchange yesterday, i haven't heard from him. even though i've come to expect it, the rapid speed with which he splits me black always shocks me.

is it typical for the frequency and speed of these splits to increase?

[Mutt]

I'm sorry about the confusion and frustration your ex is causing you pieceofme with his hot and cold behavior.   I'm not sure if the splits increase. I would be split white or black in the same day. Although at the end of the r/s the devaluation phase was increasingly longer and the idealization phase increasingly shorter and less of.

A pwBPD moods cycle quickly, often several times in a day.

A cycle is the period of time it takes for a person to go through one episode of mania and one of depression. The frequency and duration of these cycles vary from person to person, from once every five years to once every three months. People with a subtype of bipolar (rapid--cycling bipolar) may cycle more quickly, but much less quickly than people with BPD (shifts can even last minutes/seconds).

According to Dr. Friedel, director of the BPD program at Virginia Commonwealth University, there are two main differences between BPD and bipolar disorder:

1. People with BPD cycle much more quickly, often several times a day.

2. The moods in people with BPD are more dependent, either positively or negatively, on what's going on in their life at the moment. Anything that might smack of abandonment (however far fetched) is a major trigger.

3. In people with BPD, the mood swings are more distinct. Marsha M. Linehan, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, says that while people with bipolar disorder swing between all-¬encompassing periods of mania and major depression, the mood swings typical in BPD are more specific. She says, "You have fear going up and down, sadness going up and down, anger up and down, disgust up and down, and love up and down."

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201003/three-easy-ways-differentiate-bipolar-and-borderline-disorders

[pieceofme]

thank you, mutt, for the response. what you said makes a lot of sense.

as i continue to allow him to engage me, i have also been split white or black in the same day. i can't even tell what triggers it at this point. not that i ever could, but the frequency with which it is happening now leaves me so confused that i don't know which way is up anymore.

[Mutt]

I don't recall what my ex's triggers were either. She left 18 months ago. I think I can't recall much because of her dissociation (lying). She would change her wording and story around often and I was left feeling like I didn't know what end was up or down as you described. I think PTSD and trauma factor in. I say that because I don't remember the context with our disagreements. It's easier to follow now as it is in black and white in email communique's. I only communicate by email.

I feel for you because not knowing what's up or down is very difficult.

[pieceofme]

i am experiencing the same as you describe. he doesn't understand that when he decides to split me white, i can't just change my mind like that... .i am too traumatized and scared of further abuse. then when i don't give in to whatever he is asking for (a conversation, sex, etc.), i am immediately split black. it's never-ending.

i try to explain this dynamic to him (although i am very careful to avoid using BPD or any related terminology), but he doesn't understand. he just thinks that because his mood changed, mine should, too.

[Mutt]

i am experiencing the same as you describe. he doesn't understand that when he decides to split me white, i can't just change my mind like that...

i try to explain this dynamic to him (although i am very careful to avoid using BPD or any related terminology), but he doesn't understand. he just thinks that because his mood changed, mine should, too.

He doesn't understand because he is mentally ill. It's tough, I'm sorry   I tried for a very long time to explain logic. I can't explain logic or my reality as I interpret it with a mentally ill person with their own reality and set of distorted belief system. My exes reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

I know what my reality is now. I don't want to be invalidated or told different that there's something incorrect with the way I interpret what she believes. For myself trusting my instincts and knowing that my perspective is different than hers is good enough for me. I don't have to prove that I am right.  I don't try to reason my logic, my interpretation of my reality to her anymore. I did that for almost 8 years.

How does that sound like to you?

[pieceofme]

i agree with you. i feel the same way. i gave up a month ago trying to explain or defend myself. it's a waste of my breath. he said, "i'll always care, no matter what you do to me." i am perplexed, what exactly i have done besides allow myself to be cheated on, lied to and abused.

he has been trying to contact me today. "hello!" he text this morning. an hour later he called. two hours later he asked, "why are you ignoring me?" is it possible he doesn't remember the things he says in his rages or when i am split black? every time he comes back, he approaches me as if nothing bad ever happened. it's mind-boggling.

[Mutt]

He lacks a sense of continuity / consistency and object constancy in people. A quote from Gunderson and  "emotional amnesia".

Something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline. In the same sense of constancy borderlines have "emotional amnesia", they are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood.

[Caredverymuch]

i agree with you. i feel the same way. i gave up a month ago trying to explain or defend myself. it's a waste of my breath. he said, "i'll always care, no matter what you do to me." i am perplexed, what exactly i have done besides allow myself to be cheated on, lied to and abused.

he has been trying to contact me today. "hello!" he text this morning. an hour later he called. two hours later he asked, "why are you ignoring me?" is it possible he doesn't remember the things he says in his rages or when i am split black? every time he comes back, he approaches me as if nothing bad ever happened. it's mind-boggling.

I'm sorry for pain pieceofme. Reading this thread bought back so many of those same feelings. The rapid cycling was horrific for me and as you and Mutt said, you just can't explain logic to them. I would be with my expBPD enjoying a wonderful start to the day, get a midday text that said he didn't want to see me anymore, he would seem almost happy about this as it the kind of happy you are when you find out you have won a new car or something as I would be just dumbfounded, then he would accuse me of wanting to be with other another man and want to move on from the r/s anyway, then I would try to explain myself further which would go no where, I would end up leaving, he would text a few hour later that he missed me and if I didn't answer in a manner he found sufficient, he would project more on me and drop off for days. He even controlled the text ability by not answering me and saying things like he was so busy or had not charged his phone.  All this, and I do mean ALL this, for NO reason. Me. Just there being full of love for this man. And with no idea of BPD. Trying so hard to figure out what in the world was going on. It was truly like walking on eggshells and my stomach was in knots constantly as I could just feel it coming by the way he would respond to me.

If I dropped off and didn't answer him, he would say I moved on and be split black mean, snake eyes. If I got mad at him and spoke my mind, he would cry, and I mean real big tears kinda crying, and project and say he knew I would leave him. If I agreed that we should not see one another anymore, he would retract and pull and cling. Only to text me the next day to split me again. If I tried to love him and plea with him for an answer as to why he was acting this way, he would be cold as ice. This was the entire last bit of our r/s.

I truly feel I dev'd PTSD as a result and was very traumatized by it all. The sense of devaluation was ambushing. Lasting longer each time. I always was the one to try to make nice again. Was SO confused by this all and he always blamed it on stress. When he split me black, if I went to him even two days later, he acted like he had NO idea what I was upset about. I would go to him and say I had to speak with him, that I was very upset. He would look at me VERY realistically, with a completely neutral expression, and say ":)id something happen?" 

Ummmmm... .yeah, you are driving me insane, that's all!

I wish I had an answer for you. But, I have to agree with Mutt.  This is a serious mental illness. Sending hugs to you and keep posting for support as we surely know how this feels 

[pieceofme]

CVM, i share a lot of similar experiences. on the day of his first rage, we had a lovely morning. i made waffles for breakfast. we went shopping and out for lunch. but that afternoon in the car, his mood shifted and he became quiet. four hours later, he erupted and an hour after that, he walked out. i still don't know what triggered it and i probably never will. even though he broke up with me, ever since he has accused me of "finding another boyfriend" or "working out with another guy" - completely unfounded accusations. he also tells me he misses me... .because he "hasn't seen me"... .and when i remind him that was his choice to leave, he gets mad and ends the conversation. i have also heard the "i am busy!" excuse.

i posted on another thread today about his black, snake eyes that i witnessed during his first rage. it was like all the life drained from him and i was looking at the devil. even his voice changed. i was terrified. it is something that will haunt me forever.

today is the first time i have experienced any sort of PTSD feeling. after he informed he saturday that he is over me(!), he text me "hello!" this morning, like you said, as if nothing happened. he has been contacting me all day and every time i hear his text alert or ringtone, i start shaking and i feel a strange pain in my brain. even my body that used to crave him has turned against him. if only i could get my heart to catch on.

[Caredverymuch]

CVM, i share a lot of similar experiences. on the day of his first rage, we had a lovely morning. i made waffles for breakfast. we went shopping and out for lunch. but that afternoon in the car, his mood shifted and he became quiet. four hours later, he erupted and an hour after that, he walked out. i still don't know what triggered it and i probably never will. even though he broke up with me, ever since he has accused me of "finding another boyfriend" or "working out with another guy" - completely unfounded accusations. he also tells me he misses me... .because he "hasn't seen me"... .and when i remind him that was his choice to leave, he gets mad and ends the conversation. i have also heard the "i am busy!" excuse.

i posted on another thread today about his black, snake eyes that i witnessed during his first rage. it was like all the life drained from him and i was looking at the devil. even his voice changed. i was terrified. it is something that will haunt me forever.

today is the first time i have experienced any sort of PTSD feeling. after he informed he saturday that he is over me(!), he text me "hello!" this morning, like you said, as if nothing happened. he has been contacting me all day and every time i hear his text alert or ringtone, i start shaking and i feel a strange pain in my brain. even my body that used to crave him has turned against him. if only i could get my heart to catch on.

Im so sorry pieceofme  . I had a certain ringtone for him too. Now if I inadvertently hear it on someone else's phone I feel weak and lightheaded.  Truly. Like pavlovs dog.  PTSD for sure.  I read here somewhere that to heal from trauma you must avoid all situations that trigger it. Thats what I try to do.  But the mere sight of his car makes me feel triggered. Getting much better but I sure do know how you feel.

My expBPD was a waif so he had very rapid cycles but his rage was never such that I feared physical rage.  Yes, those snake eyes.  Oh my. The entire person would change. The dark eyes that were alway big empty wells would narrow to pin points. And the ice cold hateful state.  The body so tensed.  He was completely and entirely detached. Like a true stranger. The hate.  I can still feel it a year later.  And he would be so detached that he would stare right thru me as I cried. And just sit there in a place of nowhere.  Then say he had to go.  And just leave me there. Didn't matter where we happened to be. Once, a very dark parking lot. Just left.  In a fog of nowhere and strangeness. This very man who on the other side of his cycling was truly the MOST gentle caring man I had ever met. Surreal. And he had no revisiting of those times. As if they never occurred. It was kind of like releasing a pressure valve bc he would later respond in the warm loving gentle lamb emotional amnesic way.

I thought all of this was me. I really kept thinking there was something I was not doing which I should. Bc he was so incredible when he was not that way. I had no idea what or why. I thought bipolar but my t said the cycling is more rapid with BPD. Which now makes sense.

What do you want to do next pieceofme? I apologize for not knowing your entire experience thus far. How far along are you in this r/s and is this all rather new to you yet?  Sending warm support to you.

[pieceofme]

oh, he won't leave me alone today and it is driving me crazy!

And he would be so detached that he would stare right thru me as I cried. And just sit there in a place of nowhere.  Then say he had to go.  And just leave me there. Didn't matter where we happened to be. Once, a very dark parking lot. Just left.  In a fog of nowhere and strangeness. This very man who on the other side of his cycling was truly the MOST gentle caring man I had ever met. Surreal. And he had no revisiting of those times. As if they never occurred.

i had the exact same experience. as i sat on the floor and cried, he stood above and hissed at me. yet, like you said, stared through me. then left me there crying on the floor. i remember he walked out the door and didn't even look back.

I thought all of this was me. I really kept thinking there was something I was not doing which I should. Bc he was so incredible when he was not that way. I had no idea what or why. I thought bipolar but my t said the cycling is more rapid with BPD. Which now makes sense.

i go back and forth thinking it is me, that i could have done something... .anything!... .differently to perhaps hold our relationship together. then i spend time on this board and realize i was up against a mental illness and never had a chance. love could never, and would never, prevail. mutt has also explained the rapid cycling, exactly as you did, which i have been experiencing the past few weeks. i never really doubted his BPD, but now i am certain of it.

as far as what i want... .what i want isn't possible. right now, i just want to get out of this in one piece. i have suspected BPD for probably 10 months now, but since june it has become clearer to me. we broke up a little over a month ago, but have maintained contact. it has been tumultuous. one day he wants to work on things (professing his love, leaving roses on my doorstep, saying he wishes he had one last chance to start over and not take me for granted, saying he never ever thought he would lose me), the next he is busy(!) and leave him alone(!), the next he misses me, the next he has someone new. i can't keep up anymore. i've tried to gain some distance and maintain a boundary, which absolutely enrages him. it has come to the point where i fear for my safety. it breaks my heart to admit that i am frightened of the man i love and was moving in with... .that i was essentially starting a life with. i don't understand how it could've ended up this way.

[Caramel]

Hi guys 

I wish I knew about this board 6 months ago when I used to think I was the only person on this planet going through this crazy game!

The quick mood changes and then not remembering anything about it was really scary.

Once after a dramatic night which involved calling me names and violently pushing my leg to the side in bed (absolutely over nothing!), he asked me the next morning to collect my stuff and dropped me at my place. Within an hour I found him on my couch with a BIG smile on his face asking me to go sit on his lap as if nothing had happened! Creepy!

And you know what's even crazier? I thought it was a sign of his forgiveness that he got over his anger and made up so quickly!

I still wonder who was crazier, him or me?   

[pieceofme]

hi caramel   i always wonder that, too - IS it a sign of forgiveness? does he not remember what happened? even i will admit that when i am upset, it usually takes me longer than an hour to "get over it." that's what he tells me all the time, that he "gets over things," and i don't. but then i think... .if he was REALLY over it, i wouldn't be split black so quickly the next time. it's as if each time his fuse (patience with me) gets shorter.

[Caramel]

IS it a sign of forgiveness?

Pieceofme, was it a sign of forgiveness?

I'm still struggling with that one. How come someone who did us wrong should forgive us? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Its very simple but I just don't get it! I think once we find the answer to this question, we won't let anymore abuse in our lives.

Let me know what you think.

[Caredverymuch]

IS it a sign of forgiveness?

Pieceofme, was it a sign of forgiveness?

I'm still struggling with that one. How come someone who did us wrong should forgive us? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Its very simple but I just don't get it! I think once we find the answer to this question, we won't let anymore abuse in our lives.

Let me know what you think.

Hello pieceofme and Carmel   

I wish I had this site all the splits and agony filled months ago as well. How very much it all makes sense when you approach the behaviors as a disorder.

No it is not forgiveness. It is rapid cycling. Dissociating. Remember, to forgive means to reflect. Thats an adult action. These are ppl with an emotionally arrested false yet true to them reality base, combined with a serious mental disorder.  Its rapid cycling rounding back to the fear of perceived  abandonment.  Nothing in that is based on a "mutual resolution" outcome. Its one sided. Based fully on need. These are disordered coping mechanisms and how they exist. Deeply layered and deeply patterned coping mechanisms to avoid shame.

[Mutt]

I agree. A goal can be to become indifferent. Depersonalize the behavior by learning about the disorder.

[pieceofme]

caramel, i agree with CVM. it isn't forgiveness. before i fully understood the dynamics of BPD, i always thought it was a childish way to avoid the problem. my ex would always come around a few days later, acting as if nothing had happened. it was always so perplexing to me! when i finally gained the courage to start questioning his behavior, his response would always be, "i'm not going to fight with you"... .more avoidance. it's the "easiest" way he can move along and not be held accountable or, as CVM said, deal with his shame.

what are your thoughts when looking at it this way?

[Caramel]

True CVM and Pieceofme. That was not forgiveness.But what made us consider it as forgiveness?

He treated me wrongly and then abandoned me. And when he came back I was happy that had forgiven me! What does that say about me?

[Caredverymuch]

True CVM and Pieceofme. That was not forgiveness.But what made us consider it as forgiveness?

He treated me wrongly and then abandoned me. And when he came back I was happy that had forgiven me! What does that say about me?

Caramel,

I saw you posted this on another thread. When I read it, I thought, this is EXACTLY why I stayed. THis is EXACTLY how it felt.

Why? Because for the first time in my life I was experiencing "JOY". And it seemed to me that I had finally found true happiness and I did not want to let it go. For the first time in my life, life finally had a meaning. I wanted to live. I enjoyed being alive. And in order to keep that happiness, I did not care what I had to give away, including my boundaries.

Hadn't he abandoned me, I was probably still in that relationship.

Back then I did not think that I was not taking care of myself. I thought I was sacrificing things to be happy. As painful as it was I thought I was doing the right thing for myself.



I really got lost in the sacrificing to be happy. And it was turned so quickly from euphoria to emotional abuse that I really did not even realize it was happening until it got so crazy that I was in that huge BPD vortex of so much and had fallen all the way down the hole.  I was in the best place I had ever, ever been in my life, so I thought and felt, and thought I was there with the best most loving person I had ever met. By the time the rest ensued, I was so far gone and had to begin to climb back out of that hole all by myself.

MY t asked why I stayed after the first time he split me black with d/d and i knew what he was capable of thereafter. Bc it all happened so fast and I had no idea what that man was capable of. I never saw any of it coming.  No excuse but that's what I said.

And my goodness how any time you try to erect a boundary, it you have any strength left during the crazy days, they break it right down with "love." They double time you to get that control back with more "happiness" being delivered.

It's been a process we all have undertaken. Now, I give no second chances in new potential r/s. It may sound harsh. It really is not. When I see and feel the red flag, I move on.  Me first. I keep my boundaries tight. Not rigid. Just well informed. I won't sacrifice myself again to be "happy" that way. And what's as impt to me, is realizing happiness cannot be found through another. Happiness is augmented often by others. Not found.

Hard lessons   

[pieceofme]

True CVM and Pieceofme. That was not forgiveness.But what made us consider it as forgiveness?

He treated me wrongly and then abandoned me. And when he came back I was happy that had forgiven me! What does that say about me?

i think in our hearts we knew it wasn't forgiveness. deep down inside, i always knew i hadn't done anything that needed to be "forgiven." i guess it was more like he was giving me another chance and i was happy to be able to continue my relationship with the man i loved. i don't think that makes us weak or pathetic. it shows we are capable of unconditional love.

like CVM said, it all happens so fast - the turn from euphoria to emotional abuse - that we end up not know which way is up. at the end (and even now, if i'm honest), i was so beaten down that i didn't have the strength to stay or leave... .i was just there, trying to survive.

[Mutt]

Because for the first time in my life I was experiencing "JOY". And it seemed to me that I had finally found true happiness and I did not want to let it go. For the first time in my life, life finally had a meaning. I wanted to live. I enjoyed being alive. And in order to keep that happiness, I did not care what I had to give away, including my boundaries.

Hadn't he abandoned me, I was probably still in that relationship.

Back then I did not think that I was not taking care of myself. I thought I was sacrificing things to be happy. As painful as it was I thought I was doing the right thing for myself.

[/i]

I couldn't of described this better.

I felt alive for the first time. As if a long depression had lifted. I was fired up on all cylinders. I was sacrificing myself for the woman I fell in love with, eventually she will return. If I try harder eventually we will turn a corner and she'll come back.

What I didn't understand is that I was initially put on a high pedestal. I was knocked off of that pedestal - tumbling. The fall was loong and very hard. A hard lesson indeed.

That initial feeling doesn't come back. It's quicksilver just as her feelings.


As my T said, Mutt. The higher you are put on the pedestal the harsher you will be crashed to the ground. 

My thinking was exactly as yours. I was sacrificing for the man I loved, certain that incredible place only we shared would return.  How could it not? It doesn't return.  We were just left tumbling harder and harder, sacrificing and trying to hold pace, without any notification of what was to come.