How will she react if I am horrible to her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm in the anger phase right now,  and I'm predicting another "let's be friends" attack is coming my way.

I feel like being brutally honest. "I'd rather stab myself in the face than be friends with a parasite like you" something akin to that.

I won't say that of course. But what would the reaction be to a bit of hard truth like that?

[Infern0]

I'm in the anger phase right now,  and I'm predicting another "let's be friends" attack is coming my way.

I feel like being brutally honest. "I'd rather stab myself in the face than be friends with a parasite like you" something akin to that.

I won't say that of course. But what would the reaction be to a bit of hard truth like that?

[Blimblam]

I said some things I regret I had said. Saying the mean things didn't really help me and fueled a smear campaign by her I'm sure. Then I got left still processing while she and everyone else got to look at me like "how pathetic he still thinks about her".

I found channeling that energy into singing along with some tool songs and a perfect circle to help. 

If you do it it happens. It is incredibly difficult to restrain oneself after a relationship like this.

[Skip]

She will probably go silent and you will beg her forgiveness.  Immaturity rarely makes it better.  

All along I was played, the second I couldn't give her what she needed,  THE SECOND, there was someone else. ... or is there,  don't even know if that's a lie.

"Be my friend, I want to be with you one day when it's time" I'm so confused.  

This is really hard.  Betrayal is hell.  My heart goes out to you.  

Is there someone else?

Generally, the best thing to do (and the hardest thing to do) is to act rock confident and not be rattled (enjoying life even), give her miles of space, and wait it out.  Your instinct to not go the friend route while she explores another relationship is right on - just be cool.  This will make her think more than anything else you do.  It may take time.

Right now, she doesn't want to choose so she is trying to keep you on hold to explore something else.  You don't want to be on ice.

In the mean time, its time to rethink what this means.

[Visitor]

Genghis Khan — 'an action comitted in anger is an action doomed to failure.'

You will regret it in the end and revenge attacks like this will bind you to that person.

Wish her well and carry on with the healing process. Anger is part of it but will pass with time like all emotions.

[Blimblam]

Any advice is soo much easier said then done. I'm sorry you are going through this.  It is not fair. It wasn't your fault. The struggle is an important step on the journey. It is often so confusing so incredibly confusing.  When you form a bond like this the 2 become 1.  Your anger for her is felt as your anger for yourself but externalized onto her as an object.  When you are ready accept defeat. Feel your feelings fully. Be honest withyouself about the space you need to heal. If that involves blocking her number so be it.

"Hell hath no furry like a woman's scorn".  Just keep in mind she will probably drag you down to her level and beat you with experience. The insane part is through inception you will probably do it to yourself and feel guilty about it. Remember before all this madness though the likeliness you would act in this way was probably not the type of thing you would do.

[Infared]

Just go total NC... .save yourself from the craziness and drama.

[enlighten me]

Personally I would go NC and if she comes back asking to be friends just say "No thank you" and walk away.

The fact that you have rejected/ abandoned her may cause her to go into melt down mode but you have done it in a polite and non confrontational way that wont be able to be twisted. Obviously she can lie about it but you wont have the confusion of your words being twisted and used against you.

This was one of the biggest things that screwed with my head. Hearing my words but not how they where meant. The less you give them= the less ammo to be thrown back at you.

[michel71]

I can only speak from my own experience. I went through a period ( before I discovered the site and certainly before I even understood anything about BPD) that I decided to stop being "MR NICE GUY". I started fighting fire with fire. It only escalated things. And I ended up feeling badly about the things I said because that really is not me. But I kept on that track anyway and  I kinda got stuck there. It became easier and easier to be nastier and nastier. I finally had to break my own cycle. That is where I am at now. Unfortunately, the anger that was outward turned inward and now I am depressed. Defeated. I don't feel that I could ever "win" with her, ever have the magic dialog to defuse her. We all know that logic doesn't work with them.

Bottom line, I think if you are horrible to her it will only ultimately hurt you, your own opinion of yourself. You will become somebody you might not like.

My heart goes out to you.

[Visitor]

I can only speak from my own experience. I went through a period ( before I discovered the site and certainly before I even understood anything about BPD) that I decided to stop being "MR NICE GUY". I started fighting fire with fire. It only escalated things. And I ended up feeling badly about the things I said because that really is not me. But I kept on that track anyway and  I kinda got stuck there. It became easier and easier to be nastier and nastier. I finally had to break my own cycle. That is where I am at now. Unfortunately, the anger that was outward turned inward and now I am depressed. Defeated. I don't feel that I could ever "win" with her, ever have the magic dialog to defuse her. We all know that logic doesn't work with them.

Bottom line, I think if you are horrible to her it will only ultimately hurt you, your own opinion of yourself. You will become somebody you might not like.

My heart goes out to you.

Michel this is so true. Not with my BPD ex but another girl who broke my heart. I was the one being nice then she said something to me and I thought exactly the same "right you want to be nasty, lets be nasty". In the moment it seemed like such a relief to give it back to her but when the dust settled I was left feeling terrible about myself.

I really do just stay no contact now it's teh best thing to do. I have no emotional attachment to this girl now at all. I laugh inside when I think how those emotions made me act.

The funny thing was when I split with my BPD ex I had taken from the lessons above and made sure I amde the split as amicable as possible. I only said nice things no matter how horrible her comments were. Low and behold I get an email from her telling me how nasty I was when we split up and how I resorted to "name calling" haha. I can honestly say with hand on heart I did not call her one single horrible thing through our relationship from start to finish. I have since learned that this is because the BPDex will go on a smear campaign and tell her friends and family that it was all your fault and how nasty you were to her.

It's sickening to think about it when I think how nice she was

[RisingSun]

I know all about the anger phase. Just got out of an intense bout myself. I would go to sleep mad and wake in the morning even madder.

As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I would say under my breath, you F'n B.

I had fantasies of burning down her mountain cabin (she took from me and where she now sleeps with her new boyfriend) with her in it.

I thought "she's lucky she took the dog", that little fella is the only thing saving her from burning. Of course I would never do a

thing like this. I'm a peaceful man. If not, she would have been dead a long time ago  

Anyway, I think it's healthy to fantasize about the things you'd like to say and do for revenge. As long as you know you're in control of

keeping them from manifesting into action. The anger fantasies served me for a little while at least.

Try writing letters that you'll never send her. I suggest not typing it on your computer, hand write the letters. This will keep you from sending them  

No really, the physical experience of putting your feelings on paper is more tangible and offers a greater release. Try it, it truly works wonders. Read them

out loud if you think that will help. Don't hold back, verbally destroy her 

But never say these things to her face or through email, text or phone conversations. Better to remain NC. Also be carful of what you say to mutual friends.

These things can get back to her which will cause her to be triggered. Keep how you truly feel to close friends and family. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

[Mutt]

Low and behold I get an email from her telling me how nasty I was when we split up and how I resorted to "name calling" haha. I can honestly say with hand on heart I did not call her one single horrible thing through our relationship from start to finish. I have since learned that this is because the BPDex will go on a smear campaign and tell her friends and family that it was all your fault and how nasty you were to her.

Emotional arrested development - the name calling is emotional immaturity. The smear campaign is triggered by real or perceived abandonment, loss and rejection.

[Visitor]

Low and behold I get an email from her telling me how nasty I was when we split up and how I resorted to "name calling" haha. I can honestly say with hand on heart I did not call her one single horrible thing through our relationship from start to finish. I have since learned that this is because the BPDex will go on a smear campaign and tell her friends and family that it was all your fault and how nasty you were to her.

Emotional arrested development - the name calling is emotional immaturity. The smear campaign is triggered by real or perceived abandonment, loss and rejection.

Oh she didn't call me names, maybe a couple over time but nothing too bad. It was the way she said I was doing it when I wasn't. You almost want to shout at them when they are doing it but I just wished her well and went no contact.

Was that the projection part?

[michel71]

I can only speak from my own experience. I went through a period ( before I discovered the site and certainly before I even understood anything about BPD) that I decided to stop being "MR NICE GUY". I started fighting fire with fire. It only escalated things. And I ended up feeling badly about the things I said because that really is not me. But I kept on that track anyway and  I kinda got stuck there. It became easier and easier to be nastier and nastier. I finally had to break my own cycle. That is where I am at now. Unfortunately, the anger that was outward turned inward and now I am depressed. Defeated. I don't feel that I could ever "win" with her, ever have the magic dialog to defuse her. We all know that logic doesn't work with them.

Bottom line, I think if you are horrible to her it will only ultimately hurt you, your own opinion of yourself. You will become somebody you might not like.

My heart goes out to you.

Michel this is so true. Not with my BPD ex but another girl who broke my heart. I was the one being nice then she said something to me and I thought exactly the same "right you want to be nasty, lets be nasty". In the moment it seemed like such a relief to give it back to her but when the dust settled I was left feeling terrible about myself.

I really do just stay no contact now it's teh best thing to do. I have no emotional attachment to this girl now at all. I laugh inside when I think how those emotions made me act.

The funny thing was when I split with my BPD ex I had taken from the lessons above and made sure I amde the split as amicable as possible. I only said nice things no matter how horrible her comments were. Low and behold I get an email from her telling me how nasty I was when we split up and how I resorted to "name calling" haha. I can honestly say with hand on heart I did not call her one single horrible thing through our relationship from start to finish. I have since learned that this is because the BPDex will go on a smear campaign and tell her friends and family that it was all your fault and how nasty you were to her.

It's sickening to think about it when I think how nice she was

Smear campaign. I frankly could care less. And who is my BPDw going to tell? She has no friends and family who speak to her!

[Boss302]

I'm in the anger phase right now,  and I'm predicting another "let's be friends" attack is coming my way.

I feel like being brutally honest. "I'd rather stab myself in the face than be friends with a parasite like you" something akin to that.

I won't say that of course. But what would the reaction be to a bit of hard truth like that?

Problem is, that'll just cause a rage, and you don't need that. Keep the emotional stuff out, and stick to facts. How about "This relationship isn't healthy for me, and I have decided that I don't want any more contact with you."

Same "truth," different verbiage. And feel free to come here, or go to a therapist, with the "what I'd really like to say" venting... .but keep it away from the BPD. If you say that you might as well dump a gallon of gasoline on the floor and light a match. There's no point.

[Boss302]

I can only speak from my own experience. I went through a period ( before I discovered the site and certainly before I even understood anything about BPD) that I decided to stop being "MR NICE GUY". I started fighting fire with fire. It only escalated things. And I ended up feeling badly about the things I said because that really is not me.

Not surprising. "Fighting fire with fire" with a non-disordered person may or may not work, but it's a guaranteed epic fail with a BPD. Why? Because their lack of boundaries makes them capable of escalating the "fire" they throw back at you to a level that non-disordered people simply wouldn't dream of. That's why you felt bad. You have a normal conscience and the BPD doesn't. Sad but true.

No contact is your friend.  

[Infared]

I can only speak from my own experience. I went through a period ( before I discovered the site and certainly before I even understood anything about BPD) that I decided to stop being "MR NICE GUY". I started fighting fire with fire. It only escalated things. And I ended up feeling badly about the things I said because that really is not me. But I kept on that track anyway and  I kinda got stuck there. It became easier and easier to be nastier and nastier. I finally had to break my own cycle. That is where I am at now. Unfortunately, the anger that was outward turned inward and now I am depressed. Defeated. I don't feel that I could ever "win" with her, ever have the magic dialog to defuse her. We all know that logic doesn't work with them.

Bottom line, I think if you are horrible to her it will only ultimately hurt you, your own opinion of yourself. You will become somebody you might not like.

My heart goes out to you.

That last part that I bolded out I found to soo true for me.  NC was so, so difficult for me but it was what I needed to get out of the insanity.

[BacknthSaddle]

Much of what has been said here is right on. On the few moments where I really felt the anger overflowing and I saw myself moving toward immature expressions of rage with my ex and I acted on the anger (usually when alcohol was involved) , all I did was prove to her that the relationship still made me FEEL, that i was still ATTACHED. And that allowed her to devalue me 10 times worse. And of course, since I still cared (if I hadn't cared, I wouldn't have had any rage to express), the devaluing cut to my core. And she saw that, which cut even worse.

It was this realization that taught me that to truly detach I had to go NC. This is not the case for all. But it was and is for me.

[Infared]

Much of what has been said here is right on. On the few moments where I really felt the anger overflowing and I saw myself moving toward immature expressions of rage with my ex and I acted on the anger (usually when alcohol was involved) , all I did was prove to her that the relationship still made me FEEL, that i was still ATTACHED. And that allowed her to devalue me 10 times worse. And of course, since I still cared (if I hadn't cared, I wouldn't have had any rage to express), the devaluing cut to my core. And she saw that, which cut even worse.

It was this realization that taught me that to truly detach I had to go NC. This is not the case for all. But it was and is for me.

It's so disturbing to a more or less normal person who cared for some very deeply to see the level of deprecation that a pwBPD will rage to. It is also very effective (it was on me anyway.)

Initially, I was sort of confused and dumbfounded, not knowing of the disease or the new supply. Also disturbing is the fact that the pwBPD seem to enjoy it.  In my case this behavior at this level was only unleashed after the secret new supply was hooked and they feel safe.

[freedom33]

This is such a difficult dilemma you have ahead of you. I think you got to find the right balance between not being too rude and harsh but also not being too gentle and wearing a fake nicey nice mask. In my disengagements with my ex I tried both tactics and I regreted them both. If you don't find the right balance you will either on the hand let your better self down so to speak by being rude and mean or on the other hand you will betray yourself by pretending you are too kind and good if this does not come out naturally.

I think the word for the attitude I am trying to describing is 'dignified'. Keep both your integrities intact by giving her a dignified response.