Like a knife in my chest

[Depression = 72% of members]

So the xhwBPD changed his FB profile photo some time ago. He and the replacement smiling, happy, in love 

Sometimes I need to go through old messages from other people, and I see it. Kills me every time. I don't post photos of my bf up on FB (because frankly, I don't think it's something I have to do and I do still respect the guy's feelings).

What I don't understand is why this hurts so damn much after so much time has passed? After I've moved on and gotten on with my life? Why does it feel like a knife sticking in my chest whenever I see that stupid photo?

It shouldn't bother me. I don't WANT it to bother me. But dammit, it stings like hell.

I guess it's the sting of the discard yet again. Their smiling little photo is like a big reminder that I am, and always was, disposable. Once I had nothing left to give, I was tossed aside like an empty paper cup. Crushed and of no use to him.

I won't even look at his page. I can't. I'm not strong enough. I did once or twice regarding issues of our child and he deliberately puts up public posts from her / about her so that I can see.

He always did enjoy hurting me. Smiled, even.

Does it ever get easier?

[MommaBear]

So the xhwBPD changed his FB profile photo some time ago. He and the replacement smiling, happy, in love 

Sometimes I need to go through old messages from other people, and I see it. Kills me every time. I don't post photos of my bf up on FB (because frankly, I don't think it's something I have to do and I do still respect the guy's feelings).

What I don't understand is why this hurts so damn much after so much time has passed? After I've moved on and gotten on with my life? Why does it feel like a knife sticking in my chest whenever I see that stupid photo?

It shouldn't bother me. I don't WANT it to bother me. But dammit, it stings like hell.

I guess it's the sting of the discard yet again. Their smiling little photo is like a big reminder that I am, and always was, disposable. Once I had nothing left to give, I was tossed aside like an empty paper cup. Crushed and of no use to him.

I won't even look at his page. I can't. I'm not strong enough. I did once or twice regarding issues of our child and he deliberately puts up public posts from her / about her so that I can see.

He always did enjoy hurting me. Smiled, even.

Does it ever get easier?

[buterfly]

Sometimes I think FB is the devil when it comes to these things. You just have to remember it's only a matter of time before his new fling goes through the same thing you did. He's not going to change, because if he was going to he probably would have already. You are obviously the better person for showing him the respect he doesn't deserve. I'm sure these things will get easier for you.

I was replaced within a couple weeks, and his entire family defriended me, but the first to de friend me were ironically, the female family members who have been "abused" in the past. There is no way to make sense of what they do... .I think that makes me feel a bit more normal, and strong for being able to deal.

Hang in there... .You deserve better, because you are better than that.

[Hopeless777]

I'm so sorry MB. I send you a big   I'm not on FB. I blocked her on LinkedIn, which she joined for some bizarre reason. I hurt every day still grieving the 27+ year marriage. Someday I hope it will get better for all of us.

[Elpis]

It will get better. As we work toward healing things will improve for us, but we'll still have those bumps from time to time.

I wish there was a timetable, like "together for 6 years = healing in 1. together for 8 years... ." you get the picture. That would make all these things easier, knowing when the pain will end.

Photos of people only show what they want you to see. I've put many things up on FB over the years, but never of him yelling at me with his teeth gritted and his eyes squeezed to slits, or of me sitting in bed crying. FB photos are but the façade of people's lives and we have no way of knowing what sort of ugly building is actually behind it.

Even knowing this it still sucks, right?

[Visitor]

Photos of people only show what they want you to see. I've put many things up on FB over the years, but never of him yelling at me with his teeth gritted and his eyes squeezed to slits, or of me sitting in bed crying. FB photos are but the façade of people's lives and we have no way of knowing what sort of ugly building is actually behind it.

I cant tell you how true this is. Photos give a complete distorted view of how people are feeling inside. You can look in the photo album of somebody who has been suicidal their whole life but in the photos they look happy and joyful throughout.

This is what my true facebook profile photo should have looked like...

[Infared]

This page makes me soo grateful that I have never had, don't have and never will have a Fakebook Account.     

I can't imagine going through what I have been through with a pwBPD and having that nonsense to deal with. It would make it infinitely worse, for me. No doubt. I do not need instant pain at my finger tips. No thanks.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

This page makes me soo grateful that I have never had, don't have and never will have a Fakebook Account.     

I can't imagine going through what I have been through with a pwBPD and having that nonsense to deal with. It would make it infinitely worse, for me. No doubt. I do not need instant pain at my finger tips. No thanks.

Agreed - it is playground stuff.  Say goodbye to the FB life - it is poison.

[Mutt]

I'm so sorry MommaBear  I agree it feels like a knife in the heart when you see your ex on social media. I was split black and she had removed myself off of FB and blocked me. I did create an account a year ago and deleted it to see. I saw both of them together on her profile photo and it hurt. I'm still blocked as far as I know and I just stay away from their profiles. I have kids and parent with her but I don't consider her a friend and I don't need to facilitate through FB. There's no right or wrong we're all curious.

It gets better MommaBear. I found the more that I read about the disorder and sharing with members here, helped me realize that she is mentally ill. It took me a long time to accept that. They may be looking like they are happy on FB but no one knows what happens behind closed doors.  It's a facade. You were behind those closed doors at one point. Maybe it's not happening now, but if he is untreated it will eventually happen - it's a part of the disorder. His fear of abandonment real or perceived. A new r/s does not fix his core wound of abandonment.

He does not have the ability to sustain an inter-personal relationship with another person. It's not because of how you are, your attributes or personality. He's mentally ill. He likely lost the best person that came into his life - you.


Hang in there.

- Mutt

[MommaBear]

Thanks everyone.

Just got back from a horrific interaction with him, and I have to say, you all were right. He's completely dysregulated, so much so that he's fabricating stories about me, convincing himself that they're true, and acting accordingly.

Again.

Terrified me to see. I wonder what the replacement must be seeing, if he's this detached from reality.

Keeps telling me that I don't live in reality and need to get a handle on things, all while concocting some insane story about me that he's convinced himself is true. It's really, REALLY horrible.

I don't know what to think anymore. He's worse now than when we were married.

[Mutt]

I saw another side of my ex that I didn't see in the marriage. It's being split black. My ex knows the pain that she caused. It's like cutting someone's arm off by accident and having to see them.

She threw her actions and the failed marriage on me because she couldn't cope with feeling bad - the shame and guilt attached to that. I spoke to mine recently and I can tell it still bothers her seeing me.

The talking bad about you and making things up is because his fear of abandonment was triggered. What he fears most. This side of my ex is entirely different than what I saw in the marriage. She has difficulties holding in the disorder in my presence. I often saw her true self post break-up and in court.

The replacement doesn't see this side but the mirror eventually cracks and his pain and suffering will surface and be projected on her. I felt like I eventually became a parent to my ex as if she was railing and acting out - a perceived punitive parent in her eyes.

Your ex cannot sustain a healthy relationship regardless of whom it is, unless he  gets the appropriate treatment and commits to it.

I'm sorry you had a horrible interaction. Take it for what it is. He has a hard time with seeing you. Perhaps stay low contact and communicate by email for now? He's suffered a loss as well but copes differently. Don't worry about the replacement. She made her decisions - this is their relationship now.

[Infared]

Thanks everyone.

Just got back from a horrific interaction with him, and I have to say, you all were right. He's completely dysregulated, so much so that he's fabricating stories about me, convincing himself that they're true, and acting accordingly.

Again.

Terrified me to see. I wonder what the replacement must be seeing, if he's this detached from reality.

Keeps telling me that I don't live in reality and need to get a handle on things, all while concocting some insane story about me that he's convinced himself is true. It's really, REALLY horrible.

I don't know what to think anymore. He's worse now than when we were married.

I have experienced part of this... .Once my ex ran off to new supply... she just started making up stories that completely were untrue about our life together.

Total fabrications. Like the person in front of me was some kind of weird anomaly of the person I had loved and lived with. I am not sure... but I don't think that in some instances she thought she was lying, i.e. she actually believed the things that she was saying... .then it makes it safe for her, she then did nothing wrong and she is a "good" person.  I don't think it was manipulation, I think it was serious mental illness staring me in the face, now.  It is soo offsetting... .because I didn't experience any of that in the relationship. None.

Sounds like you are having to suffer through similar kinds of things.  The only salvation I ever had after the disconnect was NC. Very painful stuff... .I really really cared for this person... .and there was just nothing there... .it vanished into some strange apparition. So unsettling and sad.

[freedom33]

Facebook is the devil when it comes to a rs with a pwBPD. We became friends in fb and it was all fine. Then after a while say 1-2 months down the line she started playing these mindgames, jealousy games, whenever she wanted to provoke me, to bait me, when she did e.g. commenting or posting a photo of an ex etc. I retaliated, it got nasty. Then after some time I defriended her. It was the only way to disengage.

[Infared]

Facebook is the devil when it comes to a rs with a pwBPD. We became friends in fb and it was all fine. Then after a while say 1-2 months down the line she started playing these mindgames, jealousy games, whenever she wanted to provoke me, to bait me, when she did e.g. commenting or posting a photo of an ex etc. I retaliated, it got nasty. Then after some time I defriended her. It was the only way to disengage.

I love what Mr. Confused said up above... .its all playground stuff! So true... .I always saw social media as an ego trip and a manipulation... .Watching people I knew posting 5 year old pics, lying about there age... .playing games with people on it... It ALWAYS just turned me off. Of course I never though of using it a a weapon! How sic is that!

[Caredverymuch]

Thanks everyone.

Just got back from a horrific interaction with him, and I have to say, you all were right. He's completely dysregulated, so much so that he's fabricating stories about me, convincing himself that they're true, and acting accordingly.

Again.

Terrified me to see. I wonder what the replacement must be seeing, if he's this detached from reality.

Keeps telling me that I don't live in reality and need to get a handle on things, all while concocting some insane story about me that he's convinced himself is true. It's really, REALLY horrible.

I don't know what to think anymore. He's worse now than when we were married.

Im sorry for your day Mommabear.  So hard. None of what you just heard is true of you. Its the disorder speaking. All that shame bring projected onto you.  Some days all we can do is send support to one another and a hug. Sending both to you   

[Elpis]

Soo much projection and personal poop being thrown at you... .I am so sorry MommaBear!  :'( 

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I so relate to the comments about seeing a totally different side to the BPD ex after the breakup. Even her voice sounded different to me -- eerie. "Staring the mental disorder in the face" -- yup, those words definitely resonated. Being split black felt much different from her previous flashes of rage.

[MommaBear]

I am beyond broken today.

His dysregulation has escalated into a very dangerous place. I suspect I may have to get police involved.

I can't really comment more at this time. I am terrified he lurks these boards and would quickly be able to identify me.

I am, at this moment, almost sick with grief and worry for my child. I feel helpless and terrified beyond anything. Please, everyone, whatever you believe in, pray for my child's safety / send positive vibes.

I hate that all I an do right now is pray, and wait. No parent should have to go through this. Ever.

[kc sunshine]

Sending love and strength mommabear, for you and your child.

[Turkish]

I am beyond broken today.

His dysregulation has escalated into a very dangerous place. I suspect I may have to get police involved.

I can't really comment more at this time. I am terrified he lurks these boards and would quickly be able to identify me.

I am, at this moment, almost sick with grief and worry for my child. I feel helpless and terrified beyond anything. Please, everyone, whatever you believe in, pray for my child's safety / send positive vibes.

I hate that all I an do right now is pray, and wait. No parent should have to go through this. Ever.

MommaBear, I'm so sorry you are being hurt like this after all of the pain he has already caused. Unless you mentioned this site, you're most likely safe here (especially given that a lot of our stories are sadly similar).

You've seen the DV and Safety First links, right? I don't know if they would be helpful, and I understand not wanting to post details just in case. I'm sending you a PM with a suggestion... .

Please keep in touch with us in whatever way you feel you can safely do.

Turkish

[Elpis]

I'm so sorry MommaBear!

do please take care of yourself and your child... .we worry around here. If you feel you need to get the police involved do that and don't let anyone talk you out of it, okay?