Two years on im still being engaged

[Cmjo]

I left  BPDexbf nearly two years ago, and since then we have shared the parenting of our kids d12 and s10.

He has continued to be very erratic, there have been extinction bursts and tantrums, and its been torture for the kids, who are walking on eggshells themselves, knowing their dad can have bad moods.

Over the summer I have had dreams of getting back with him, and feel lonely. I miss all his good qualities, how he looked after me and made me feel safe. I cant have a new relationship, I am too damaged and confused. People are starting to get frustrated that I wont move on with my life, but how can you when you have lost your family and the love you thought would last for ever? Plus all his tantrums of course have left me guilt ridden for having abandoned him. Occasionally I have a flash of realisation that I left because I had to end the cycle of emotional and verbal abuse and rescue myself from deep depression. So yes I am very confused.

I came back from my holiday with the kids... .he picked us up from the airport, and I found he had been watering my garden and even planted some shrubs! Very thoughtful you might think, and I was happy, but only I know that this behaviour is odd and controlling, while we were away he didnt answer my emails, and hasnt talked to me for months, yet without asking permission decides to landscape my garden! Its his way of engaging me again I suppose, he cant speak or talk or communicate about the problem he has, he communicates through actions.

It worked, I went to talk to him, we hugged, we cried, I said he should go back to therapy because he has given up, and said he should return to the only doctor we know who can offer cognitive behaviour therapy. I said I wanted us to be able to talk regularly about our kids, and maybe meet to talk once a week. But he wanted one thing, that I would say there is hope for us in the future, I said I couldnt say yes or no. Before I can answer this I need him to start relating to me about the kids, communicating, showing he is mature.

The next day he rang me twice very friendly, asked if I loved him, asked me to go jogging. He asked me again if there was hope.  Its such an unfair question. How do I know? He shouldnt ask. I repeated I couldnt say, and reminded him why I couldnt be with him. He put the phone down, and since then has stopped responding to my messages about the kids again.

My lawyer wrote to him in June but he hasnt even responded to her. He might not even respond to a court order. Thats the next step.

[Cocoon]

Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate some of the ways you describe normal boundaries and expectations, then describe what the pBPD's actions.

I'm sending you a prayer for clarity and calm.