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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Crowdsourced Wisdom of the Leaving Board  (Read 2619 times)
Pingo
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« Reply #30 on: September 06, 2014, 09:55:54 AM »

Great topic LG14. A quote I love by Maya Angelou really resonates with me--it's not actually a direct quote, but is advice she gave to Oprah Winfrey when she was struggling with an emotionally abusive person. Best advice I've heard:

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

This is my quote to live by. I wish I had listened!

About myself,   I have  learned that our bodies are where our pain is carried and that is where we need to go to heal, get out of our heads and into our bodies. This is where the wounded inner child who needs love and healing is.
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Saskatchewan

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« Reply #31 on: September 06, 2014, 11:01:53 PM »

Hi everyone

           I think one thought that helps me to calm a bit  is simply " Do not take it personally "  our ex's are disordered. How can we hold it against them ? Would it be ok for me to be angry at my brother for being schizophrenic? Should I hold it against him when he rails and rages at the voices in his head ? My brother didn't ask for mental illness. Neither did our BPD ex's. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.  When I've figured out how to get to a place that I'm not angry about it though... .I'll let you know. Peace.
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Tibbles
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« Reply #32 on: September 07, 2014, 03:40:12 AM »

For me what has helped me to let go and stop re cycling the relationship over and over and over and ... .is I read somewhere that when the relationship becomes broken as ours had

"you have become his/her trigger"

that rang so true for me that I realised even if I tried to get things back on track it was doomed to failure. I have to let go and let both of us heal and move forward, no matter what that looks like or how things turn out. It is time to let go, so I have.
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Turkish
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« Reply #33 on: September 07, 2014, 10:21:42 AM »

It's not my job to make or keep someone else happy.

It's not my job to make everything better.

It's not my job not to make someone else angry.

It's not my job to parent a grown child that wasn't my own.

My job is to be me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Mr Hollande
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« Reply #34 on: September 07, 2014, 11:51:20 AM »

The bad things that were done to make her that way, it wasn't me and the bad she did to me, I didn't deserve it.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #35 on: September 07, 2014, 12:29:58 PM »

I found bpdfamily when I was using Facebook, and immediately noticed the difference.  Although a lot of crap went down with my ex on Facebook, the rest of it was crap to me too, and then we come here and we get honesty, truth, compassion, wisdom.  I'm no longer on Facebook, and being here isn't about my ex anymore, it's about you and me, and I'm good with that, if you are.

So mine:

Everything happens for a reason, and it serves us.  My borderline, and borderlines in general in my opinion, have survived evolution and are here on the planet for a reason: to motivate those of us who are susceptible, pain being not the only but the best motivator, to grow as we heal, evolve, mature, increase our awareness.  A friend of mine says we either party or we ponder, meaning when life is going well we just go with it, when it isn't we dig for answers.  The digging I've done in the last year, and the growth it has inspired, has been profound, I've gotten over humps I've been working on for years, and I'm grateful for the opportunity and motivation the relationship provided.  Sometimes teachers come very well disguised.
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« Reply #36 on: September 07, 2014, 12:44:43 PM »

 Idea Another that helps to soften my stance on my BPDexgf is  - "They are desperate, not selfish. Also needy, not greedy."   We need to recognize that they have very little control over the condition.
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Elpis
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« Reply #37 on: September 07, 2014, 01:16:59 PM »

Mine has to be the words from my T that "We can only have hope for the things we can change about ourselves, anything else is just wishful thinking."
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amigo
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« Reply #38 on: September 07, 2014, 04:26:52 PM »

I found bpdfamily when I was using Facebook, and immediately noticed the difference.  Although a lot of crap went down with my ex on Facebook, the rest of it was crap to me too, and then we come here and we get honesty, truth, compassion, wisdom.  I'm no longer on Facebook, and being here isn't about my ex anymore, it's about you and me, and I'm good with that, if you are.

So mine:

Everything happens for a reason, and it serves us.  My borderline, and borderlines in general in my opinion, have survived evolution and are here on the planet for a reason: to motivate those of us who are susceptible, pain being not the only but the best motivator, to grow as we heal, evolve, mature, increase our awareness.  A friend of mine says we either party or we ponder, meaning when life is going well we just go with it, when it isn't we dig for answers.  The digging I've done in the last year, and the growth it has inspired, has been profound, I've gotten over humps I've been working on for years, and I'm grateful for the opportunity and motivation the relationship provided.  Sometimes teachers come very well disguised.

What a wonderful, conciliatory statement fromheeltoheal. Your name is so appropriate  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I too have learned so much from this experience and also was so surprise to find such genuine and caring people online. 
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #39 on: September 08, 2014, 07:48:42 PM »

My T has been telling me throughout my divorce, the death of my parents, and near death of my son by suicide (not to mention the onslaught of NPD/BPD's in my romantic life) that I MUST learn to love and attend to the "real me": my true self. Tonight, inspired by Rifka, I wrote my true self (as I now understand her) a letter.  I believe it's the start of a relationship that far exceeds the thrill and excitement of pwpd's, and I believe that by integrating and becoming a whole person (one day at a time) I can better fend off the vampires who I continue to be drawn to:


Dear True Self:  I feel like I have defended you for much of your/our lives while you have enlivened and textured me.  I have been protective, esoteric, and perfectionist while you have been my risk taker who loves life and all that goes along with living:  laughter, tears, passionate love, dancing, high-risk anything.  You are the true adrenalin addict while I have been the workaholic, straight A "BORING" person who makes you long to be heard and seen by others like you.  You have been a dominant force in my life (my operating system) while I have raised three children (two with substance abuse disorders) and one who is more like my false self: the conservative one. You love everyone--especially those who you feel are unloved, impaired, and misunderstood.  You are truly the softer side of me:  playful, loving, and carefree. Instead, I, my false self, took on the world to include caring for a weak former spouse, many "at risk" business ventures and lost causes, two college degrees, and two parents with Alzheimer's in addition to three children and the menagerie of animals you love so much.  I'm afraid that I forgot all about you.  Most times I didn't notice you; I didn't listen to you; and I definitely didn't hear you.  I was too busy as "rescuer" saving the world, as I knew it, to pay attention to you.  I gave birth to three who not only could see you but who loved me because of you.  You are the fun one.  And when my/our children want to get mad at me, they always see you inside.  So did he (exbfBPD).  I need to apologize to you.  I'm really, really sorry.  When your three playmates were gone (my three children) and their Daddy (who loved you too); I left you alone with someone who was unable to love. Yes, he was fun and playful, smart and beautiful like our other three, but he cannot love or be loved.  I missed my three so much that I'm afraid I endangered us.  I was able to take care of myself and keep him at arms length until you fell in love with the little boy who never felt truly loved.  We knew, just like the other strays we brought in--you were able to tame the ones no one else could; that he too would be healed by your tolerance, patience, and love.  You're stubborn too.  You wouldn't give up.  I know you're mad at me, because you believe I chased him away and hurt his feelings.  And the thought of my punishing him (making him accountable) makes you even more scared and angry with me.  You heard your voice through him; you saw yourself (perhaps for the first time) through him; and now he is gone.  I am not.  I will not leave you.  Together, we are a force to be reckoned with.  People love me, because they see you.  I love you more and more each day, as I now see you. Please forgive me.  I promise to be fun.  I promise to laugh more.  I promise to take you with me everywhere I go.  I promise to listen to you. And I promise to pay attention to you--you are more important than any job and any lost cause.  I promise to work on being your new favorite playmate:  forever. Love, me.  
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Mutt
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« Reply #40 on: September 08, 2014, 08:21:19 PM »

I'm so sorry Loveofhislife for the difficult things you have endured in your life.

Excerpt
Together, we are a force to be reckoned with.  People love me, because they see you.  I love you more and more each day, as I now see you. Please forgive me.  I promise to be fun.  I promise to laugh more.  I promise to take you with me everywhere I go.  I promise to listen to you. And I promise to pay attention to you--you are more important than any job and any lost cause.  I promise to work on being your new favorite playmate:  forever. Love, me.  love

Your letter moved me. Thank you.
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