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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: "I see you"  (Read 367 times)
Pingo
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« on: August 31, 2014, 11:44:02 AM »

Watching Avitar, one thing that stood out for me was how they told each other 'I see you'.  I took from it that they were seeing the real person of the other, no false-self and there was acceptance and love. 

One thing I started noticing near the end of my r/s is how I was struck with a feeling that I really didn't know him (even after 4 yrs).  I would glance at him sitting on the couch and wonder 'who are you?'.  There was a sense of unfamiliarity (I had never heard of BPD).  In comparison, my first marriage was to a non (many issues but not BPD) and I always felt I knew him, good and bad.  There was nothing hidden.  No mystery.

I am just learning about the 'false self' and guessing this is what I was recognising?  My false self as a caretaker and his false self as the victim?  Just started skimming the surface of this idea.  I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to mine.
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Loveofhislife
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2014, 12:40:15 PM »

Pingo: awesome post and fortuitous timing (for me)-- I was having a similar thought this morning. I heard myself saying to him so many times, ":)o you know who you're talking to?" I'm an open book (at least my false self is). I had told him and shown him EVERYTHING about me: met all my friends, family, business colleagues: people who have known me my entire life. Yet he frequently would talk to me as if I was someone else. Who was he SEEING? By anyone's evaluation (even my T), I am told, "You are one of the strongest women I have ever met." But he spoke to me like I was dumb or helpless or weak. Who was he talking to? He characterized his ex wife as "dumb and numb, a drug addict, a wanna be... ." I now believe nothing he told me, but I think he was addressing the person he NEEDED me to be to believe he could control me: another delusion of his; I was a constant frustration in that regard. Hence I now am receiving a cruel and abrupt silent treatment. Or was he seeing the "real" me who he sometimes characterized as his sweet, playful little girl? What do you think?
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Loveofhislife
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 426



« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2014, 12:55:14 PM »

One other thought--similar to a Robin Williams quote I heard the other day--I really felt very alone most of the time that I was with him--and yet I feared being alone if he were to actually leave me. So who was I "seeing"? Similarities to my uNPD dad, yes. I was seeing my mirror for awhile, and I think that's who I fell in love with. So that's who I'm trying to see: the real me! I think I would like her a lot and learn how never to feel alone and how to "complete me" with no outside intervention. That is my goal and my prayer. Thanks, Pingo!
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Pingo
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2014, 01:06:05 PM »

Maybe I was starting to see through the FOG and seeing him for what he really was - a stranger in so many ways, not the man I had wanted him to be.
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2014, 02:21:08 PM »

Hi Pingo.  I remember that line in the movie.  It struck a chord in me then as well though I never tied it to my ex or any intimate relationship.  Reading the words here, I think those words are more powerful and have more meaning than 'I love you", or they do to me.  We all just want to be seen and accepted for who we are, right?  I know I do.  I know my ex did.  Yet neither one of us were really us in the relationship.  I projected all sorts of stuff on him.  I referred to it as my bias for him.  Looking back, I never really did see him.  He was either mirroring me or I was idealizing him and vice versa.  Once the initial phase was over, we both kept pushing each other to go back to the people we were at the beginning of the relationship, but it was all smoke and mirrors.  Looking back, I believe he did a lot more projecting than I did, but I did my own share as well (that pesky "bias" of mine).  We kept getting mad at each other for not being who we wanted each other to be.  Years later and being detached, given the right mood, I can find the whole thing hysterical.  Mostly though, I feel sad when I think of it.  But every once in a while I get the urge to call him and say "Hey, remember when we fought about ____... .well isn't that the funniest darn thing ever?" but I have a feeling I would immediately start crying about it too.

Excerpt
Maybe I was starting to see through the FOG and seeing him for what he really was - a stranger in so many ways, not the man I had wanted him to be.

Yeah.  

Thanks for the post and the insight.  It still hurts to look back on it.  
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
camuse
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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2014, 06:12:23 PM »

oops wrong thread sorry
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