Do they circle back?

[LovexLife]

So what are we supposed to do to get rid of them ?

My ex stalked me for months (actually a year and a half) because he couldn't stand the fact he lost the control of the relationship. Now he has a new girlfriend and thank God, he didn't try to reach me.

But what do I do if he try to come back again and again ?

I though I was safe now.  :'( Any advice ?

[hurting300]

See that's hard to say. I'll bet you money even though he's with his new victim he still thinks about you. Me personally, I don't think you ignoring is a good response because it triggers his fear of abandonment. The way you get rid of a BPD is to set boundaries and call them out on behavior. Trust me, once I started setting strong boundaries mine hit the road. And even though she left me she stalked me and give me silent treatment.

[Suspicious1]

I have to say that my exBPDbf also went for good once I'd called him on his behaviour and told him it was unacceptable. The first recycle was due to me apologising, which triggered his own apologising. The second recycle happened when he saw an opening and again I forgave him. The third recycle wasn't so easy - I really did speak my mind with that one. So a fourth recycle hasn't happened. I just think I was perhaps too demanding and refused to apologise for anything I didn't feel I'd done wrong.

I did think he was giving me the ST, but now I just think he's lost interest and moved on. I've no idea if he still thinks of me or not.

I don't think stalking behaviour is part of BPD though - stalking might come from FOO or obsession, control issues or revenge. There's lots of information online as to why people stalk, and there are usually helplines you can call for advice.

[hurting300]

Study's show some if not most people who stalk have a personality disorder. You can always tell if it's silent treatment or not. If he's driving by your house he's controlling you. Bpd's in my humble opinion would stalk faster because of abandonment fears. Even if they dump you.

[LovexLife]

Thank you for your answer. I thought the most important thing to get rid of them was to remain No Contact ? He told me he will always think of me and this is very scary, because it might be true. But will I have to deal with him for my whole life ?  :'(

[hurting300]

No Of course you won't. But most of the time and from what I've been studying they will always own a piece of you. Ignoring someone just makes them that much more curious. Makes sense to me... wouldn't you feel better if you could tell him all he's done wrong. Cowards ignore and run. That's why BPD's run. Because they are scared. You tell that man what you feel and his shame will consume him. No contact is like leaving the door open. My ex didn't breakup with me, instead she disappeared. Big deal there because now she thinks she can just return. You must always let your feelings out. No contact and not talking bottles it up.

[Tater tot]

Thank you for your answer. I thought the most important thing to get rid of them was to remain No Contact ? He told me he will always think of me and this is very scary, because it might be true. But will I have to deal with him for my whole life ?  :'(

For me, and I'm really new to trying NC (and I did ignore a text yesterday), it's about ME and not him. I know that if I express my feelings or if i call him out on his behavior- it leaves me open to be hurt by his response or more likely, lack of a response. Right now, I'm being strong by not allowing his behavior to affect me, so i'm not going to open up to being on the receiving end of his behavior/actions/reactions, etc. Right now, i'm strong enough to ignore him and not be open to his recycle. If any of the above changes, i'll re-evaluate my stance, but for now the NC is best for me and where I am at. If he comes back, which he did, I'm strong enough to not care or engage in it.

[hurting300]

It's honestly all in how mentally strong you are. Some people have to ignore. Some don't.

[LovexLife]

No Of course you won't. But most of the time and from what I've been studying they will always own a piece of you. Ignoring someone just makes them that much more curious. Makes sense to me... wouldn't you feel better if you could tell him all he's done wrong. Cowards ignore and run. That's why BPD's run. Because they are scared. You tell that man what you feel and his shame will consume him. No contact is like leaving the door open. My ex didn't breakup with me, instead she disappeared. Big deal there because now she thinks she can just return. You must always let your feelings out. No contact and not talking bottles it up.

I totally understand, I think you are right. He didn't try to reach me for a while so I try not to think about the fact he might come back because he's a BPD. Unfortunately, you are right about the open door. For the moment, I just hope he'll never show up again. 


@Tater top : I really think NC is necessary after the breakup, you need to make some place for sanity and mental health in your head. Good luck

[hurting300]

I think what I'm trying to say is, no contact is ok if you already told them "we're over" but don't ever just disappear. That's ABUSE even if they are BPD. I just really am the type to voice my opinion. But when my ex calls or drops in. She'll get an ear full.

[enlighten me]

Thank you for your answer. I thought the most important thing to get rid of them was to remain No Contact ? He told me he will always think of me and this is very scary, because it might be true. But will I have to deal with him for my whole life ?  :'(

The fact that he may still think of you isn't something you should worry about unless a) He is dangerous or b) you don't think you will be able to resist him/ not get triggered by him.

The old adage that time is a great healer is so valid when it comes to BPD relationships. This is why NC is so important in the beginning. Lets face it in the beginning we are all addicted to them so we need to go cold turkey and any bit of contact whether it be in person, phone, text, email or even just stalking them on FB feeds the addiction.

Hopefully he will leave you alone. The longer you are NC the better you will be able to deal with him if he does try to reconnect. I am now at a stage with my ex wife where I can spend the day with her and our sons and not be triggered or want her back in my life.

[LovexLife]

Thank you for your answer. I thought the most important thing to get rid of them was to remain No Contact ? He told me he will always think of me and this is very scary, because it might be true. But will I have to deal with him for my whole life ?  :'(

The fact that he may still think of you isn't something you should worry about unless a) He is dangerous or b) you don't think you will be able to resist him/ not get triggered by him.

The old adage that time is a great healer is so valid when it comes to BPD relationships. This is why NC is so important in the beginning. Lets face it in the beginning we are all addicted to them so we need to go cold turkey and any bit of contact whether it be in person, phone, text, email or even just stalking them on FB feeds the addiction.

Hopefully he will leave you alone. The longer you are NC the better you will be able to deal with him if he does try to reconnect. I am now at a stage with my ex wife where I can spend the day with her and our sons and not be triggered or want her back in my life.

Thank you ! There is no way I come back with him. The thing is, I really don't know if he is dangerous or not. He didn't threaten me but he was so obsessive and impulsive. That's why I' m on this forum : I try to know if my life is safe despite my past r/s. Now it's been 3 years ago. He didn't try to contact me for 5/6 months. I still hope he could totally leave me alone now... .