The Peaceful Dragon

[Moselle]

What should I do?

She is peaceful and dormant at the moment, but can and likely will, erupt with fire and brimstone in the future. Unfortunately this stops me from opening up. It stops me from being fully engaged, fully in the moment with her, fully able to love.

I don't want it to stop me. I know I'm choosing this, but if she's not trustworthy, I don't think I should open up either.

":)ragon" is my uBPDw's description of herself BTW, during very few humble and grounded moments.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

What should I do?

She is peaceful and dormant at the moment, but can and likely will, erupt with fire and brimstone in the future. Unfortunately this stops me from opening up. It stops me from being fully engaged, fully in the moment with her, fully able to love.

I don't want it to stop me. I know I'm choosing this, but if she's not trustworthy, I don't think I should open up either.

":)ragon" is my uBPDw's description of herself BTW, during very few humble and grounded moments.

Enjoy the good times... .open up... .and just be aware there will be a time that you need to "close up".

Sort of a glass half full or half empty argument.  Focus on the good stuff you get... .

Keep up the good work!

[Moselle]

Enjoy the good times... .open up... .and just be aware there will be a time that you need to "close up".

Keep up the good work!

OK. I'll take a risk. What's the worst that can happen? She rages, and then I get to try out my new assertiveness skills.

Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot!

[waverider]

A ship is safer in the harbour, but that is not what a ship is made for.

A relationship is not to be avoided, it is to be lived whether it floats or sinks in the act.

[Moselle]

A ship is safer in the harbour, but that is not what a ship is made for.

A relationship is not to be avoided, it is to be lived whether it floats or sinks in the act.

That is profound. Thanks!

Mine has just been in the dry dock. Getting new communications and navigating systems. And had thick plates welded on the hull for iceberg duty. If I'm going to sail in the Southern Ocean I figured I should prepare for icebergs even if its sunny now. LOL

[waverider]

Avoidance is often what got us in this mess in the first place



It takes many failures to learn how to progress, so embrace failures as part of the journey

[workinprogress]

What should I do?

She is peaceful and dormant at the moment, but can and likely will, erupt with fire and brimstone in the future. Unfortunately this stops me from opening up. It stops me from being fully engaged, fully in the moment with her, fully able to love.

I don't want it to stop me. I know I'm choosing this, but if she's not trustworthy, I don't think I should open up either.

":)ragon" is my uBPDw's description of herself BTW, during very few humble and grounded moments.

Enjoy the good times... .open up... .and just be aware there will be a time that you need to "close up".

Sort of a glass half full or half empty argument.  Focus on the good stuff you get... .

Keep up the good work!

Very good advice.  When our marriage was at it's best, I was always grateful for what I had in life.  Even at it's worse, I was still grateful.

Even when she was complaining about money, getting mad if I touched her, flirting with other guys, and whatever, I always tried to be optimistic.

I think I was much better off when I had this mindset.  

Always in the back of my mind, I just felt plain used.

[Moselle]

I always tried to be optimistic.

I think I was much better off when I had this mindset.  

Always in the back of my mind, I just felt plain used.

What I like about this is that I'm not soleley, responsible to keep the ship  afloat.

I'm in control of two things. What I am and what I want.

What I am:

Is doing and being what formflier suggests. Be myself uninhibited by what has been and what may be. Love, be kind be generous.

What I want:

These are my boundaries of what I will and won't accept. And also what I expect from a healthy relationship.

Then I can sail my ship, like it was meant to be sailed. Whether it sinks or keeps on floating is a dual dynamic, but as for me I have sailed.

[workinprogress]

I always tried to be optimistic.

I think I was much better off when I had this mindset. 

Always in the back of my mind, I just felt plain used.

What I like about this is that I'm not soleley, responsible to keep the ship  afloat.

I'm in control of two things. What I am and what I want.

What I am:

Is doing and being what formflier suggests. Be myself uninhibited by what has been and what may be. Love, be kind be generous.

What I want:

These are my boundaries of what I will and won't accept. And also what I expect from a healthy relationship.

Then I can sail my ship, like it was meant to be sailed. Whether it sinks or keeps on floating is a dual dynamic, but as for me I have sailed.

Very good advice.  I base my emotions on me now, not in how I respond to others.  I feel more in control of my life now.

I love my wife the way I would like to be loved, and I get very little in return.  But, I accept that, some days are better than others.

I say what I want to say.  If she gets upset, so be it.

I have tried to make myself a priority, I keep in shape, I get rest, and I try to stay positive.

I still desperately miss human touch though.

[Bear60]

She is peaceful and dormant at the moment, but can and likely will, erupt with fire and brimstone in the future. Unfortunately this stops me from opening up. It stops me from being fully engaged, fully in the moment with her, fully able to love.

I don't want it to stop me. I know I'm choosing this, but if she's not trustworthy, I don't think I should open up either.

This is where I am also and she is using it against me (F.O.G). She has found another way to place the blame on me and in a lot of ways she is right whether I may be justified or not. I am doing a lot of study here with the tools provided in order to help me reengage. She has seen a T for insecurity and has agreed to seeing one for couples that I have seen once and she is supposed to see them tomorrow and hopefully set up a joint session.

[Moselle]

This is where I am also and she is using it against me (F.O.G). She has found another way to place the blame on me and in a lot of ways she is right whether I may be justified or not. I am doing a lot of study here with the tools provided in order to help me reengage. She has seen a T for insecurity and has agreed to seeing one for couples that I have seen once and she is supposed to see them tomorrow and hopefully set up a joint session.

Bear, it looks like you are on a good wicket (sorry if you're in the States, its a cricket analogy), with her going to a therapist for insecurity. if you're here, it means she exhibits BPD traits as well though. Is she going to therapy because she wants to?

[Bear60]

She is going to T for insecurity because I made the demand that something had to happen due to her completely irrational jealousy. We got into a fight over a jealous evening and she broke down and started talking about insecurities all the way back to childhood. I am not sure she is really working on it, she says she is doing what I want and gave her an ultimatum. She has only been twice and is now saying she is secure and all the issues are me. She has agreed to couples counseling but haven't been yet. 

[Moselle]

She is going to T for insecurity because I made the demand that something had to happen due to her completely irrational jealousy. We got into a fight over a jealous evening and she broke down and started talking about insecurities all the way back to childhood. I am not sure she is really working on it, she says she is doing what I want and gave her an ultimatum. She has only been twice and is now saying she is secure and all the issues are me. She has agreed to couples counseling but haven't been yet. 

Oh (expletive) that is what I suspected!

I have walked this path. 4 years ago I gave the ultimatum, divorce or therapy. She chose individual and couple therapy. As a true caretaker I footed the bill. I was trying desperately to get her diagnosed and she just stayed the same. All that effort and it make no difference whatsoever She basically said the same as yours "I just did it for you".

This coincided with me radically accepting she will never change. I hit the roof, and cancelled all therapy, and basically told her I don't give a hoot what she has, but I've decided these are my boundaries, and left it. She kicked against my boundaries, but tellingly she started going to therapy on her own accord, paying for it herself, and only since then she has made some startling improvements.

I guess, the lesson here is she will make no improvements until she goes of her own will. How you help her get there, is something you will have to work out?

Anybody have any tips?