This is a new one, extinction burst?

[Indie]

I have an elderly uBPDm, with whom I have had no contact for a month.   Not to go over too many details here, but just to say she fits the Queen profile, with some Witch thrown in.  Also narcissistic, undiagnosed.   She lives a couple of states away.

I believe she is lashing out because I refuse to speak with her, which in truth would not be, and has never been, a conversation.  It's just me on the receiving end of negativity and ugly comments about everyone and everything, with me saying nothing which amounts, in her mind, to agreeing with her.  The last time on the phone with her, I was triggered, which has not happened for a very long time.  I told her she was a very difficult person, and that my dad (who passed away in 1987) validated this to me before he passed.  She then screamed that she wished she had "never been born and never had children" (that is not a new tactic, she frequently said this while I was growing up), and that I was a spoiled child (!).   I told her all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy, that I could not speak to her anymore today and maybe could later.  She hung up on me.

Since then, according to others, she is disinheriting me, has put my son's name on some of her assets (she has always tried to get him on her "side".   I say she can burn her money.  Before my only sibling's suicide (my brother, 24 years ago), he told her he did not want her money, and to give it all to me.  She told me this after his death, but I now see it in an entirely new way.  Money has always been a powerful weapon of hers.  Ironically, she earned very little of it herself.  Having inherited, and then my father's assets, and her second husband's assets.   

Anyway, Saturday night at 10:39pm, the doorbell rings as we are in pajamas watching TV.  My husband answered - it was a police officer, who was responding to a call by my mother who told them I was dead as she could not get hold of anyone on the phone.   She called at least 3 other people that night, all over the country, including my son and my sister in law. telling them I was dead.  My sister in law was very upset.  My son has the good sense to know all about his grandmother's mental disorder.  We checked our phones and there were a couple of messages from her that evening.   I was shaking.  To hear a police officer say to my husband in a very low, compassionate voice that she was there because she understood "Indie" had passed away was disconcerting to say the least.

She got tons of attention from many sources from these antics.  I had been wondering whether she is in the early stages of dementia, but I do not think this is the case now.  She is perfectly lucid when she wants/needs to be to manipulate others.   If this was an extinction burst, it was reinforced. 

Any comments, feedback, help is appreciated.  My level of chronic anxiety is very high, and I don't have much in reserve. 

Love and peace.

[Panda39]

Glad to here word of your demise was greatly exaggerated 

Just keep that no contact going she is trying to engage you.

[Harri]

Oh dear lord, she is a real piece of work, huh?

Indie, I agree with Panda that she is trying to engage you.  Her antics are horribly cruel to you and those for whom you care.  I can not imagine hearing that.  Yeah, I can't quite wrap my head  around it so I can't imagine how you felt.

I am sure you know not to call her.  If this was an extinction burst it was not completely reinforced as she did not get a response from you (she does not need to know you were upset... .not ever IMO.  I say that because she sounds like the type who would be happy to know she caused you to be upset.)

WHat options do you see for yourself here?  Any thought of having the police warn her about making afalse report and wasting community services?  Or do you think it best to ignore her?  Go no contact?  Do nothing? 

(PANDA:  the first line of your response made me laugh.  Indie, I'm Sorry, my sense of the absurd often evokes laughter at the strangest of times.

[Woolspinner2000]

Indie,

Oh my goodness! I actually laughed out loud at the drama and incredulity of what your uBPDm had the nerve to do! I was not laughing at you but at the incredible attempt of control to get you to respond! She has stooped to new lows (specifically 6 feet under). I agree and loved Harri's and Panda's responses too. We are a bunch here, ready and willing to listen to, share with you, and do our best to understand this craziness with which we live or have lived. One just has to shake their head in wonder at the dysfunction. How sad. Good for you for hanging on and having NC! She got lots of attention, but not from you! Yaay for you!

Woolspinner

[losthero]

Sounds like FOG to me.  Controlling you through fear, obligation, and guilt.  Scaring you and others with her tactics (fear). Trying to make you feel obligated to call her and trying to convince others to pressure you to call her, and of course guilt that you are not calling her and making her "worry" about you and think that you are dead.   Of course she doesn't really think you are dead, she just wants you to feel bad.  Its so hard to explain this manipulation tactic to others because emotionally mature adults do not do this or can conceive of doing this to someone they love.  I understand your need for a time out(however long you need) from this emotionally exhaustive and stressful type of person.   Im on a break from my BPD mom right now as well.   She call 911 and said she was suicidal last week and was admitted for 3 days.  She called me from the hospital to let me know what was going on.  She was trying to FOG me for not talking to her.  I know it sounds heartless but she has done this many times for attention and to manipulate others.  Their behaviors create so much anxiety in us all the time.  Please take care of yourself.  You do not need her permission to do what you need to do to be healthy.  If you are waiting for her to understand what you need it may never happen.  

[Panda39]

She really doesn't care what kind of attention she gets she will just try to get any.  It can be positive or in this case negative.  Don't show her a reaction if she gets one she will try something like this again. 

[Indie]

So much gratitude for everyone's support, advice, and time to respond.  I am new at having people understand! 

I LOVE that there was laughing out loud, Woolspinner and Harri and anyone else who chuckled!  It just shows there is understanding and resiliency amongst us!   Positive reinforcement is so meaningful.  Amazing how well we all respond to it here, and that gives me a lot of joy.  Much like a smart dog who endured compulsion training, then lucked into a re-home where the good stuff he does is noticed and acknowledged.  The acknowledgement is even more important to that particular dog than to a dog who has a positive home from the start.  Of course there is often troubling emotional fallout with the former dog, but many times it can be overcome through kindness and understanding (what I felt here reading all of your responses)  OK, some people will figure out my profession :-)

Panda39, I am hanging even tighter on the NC.  Thank you for the encouragement to not react!  Harri, I do think you are right that she would get some "enjoyment" from knowing she upset me.  I want to hug you for bluntly stating you see this as horribly cruel.  It is.  Losthero, yes, explaining this to others is pretty close to impossible unless they have dealt with something like it themselves. 

"You do not need her permission to do what you need to do to be healthy"  Putting this one on my mental wall.  Thank you Losthero.

Harri, I was staying in a high anxiety mode previous to this, about what I should do contact-wise (Losthero - FOG, yes, a new term I learned here).  Now that I have begun to process it (you guys have been an important part of that!), I feel lighter, and more at peace that I stand my ground.  On a practical level, I am going to get the police report tomorrow.  Who knows, it may help should I choose to be involved in declaring her incompetent.

This place rocks.

[hope2727]

WOW  I am so sorry. What a thing to live through. And I too am glad to hear the tales of your demise are greatly exaggerated.

If it is any comfort at all I cut off my mentally ill father decades ago. Unfortunately my undiagnosed mentally ill sister choose to give my father my address and phone number when I moved a few years ago. This was after several peaceful years of moves and number changes with no contact. Now I endure the extinction burst of phone calls at all hours. I have not ever picked up. EVER! Yet still he calls at the weirdest hours. Middle of the night, early in the morning whatever. I just let it ring and never pick up.

After hearing your story I kind of look forward to the police on my door step. As weird as it is I plan to send them right back to his house telling them he has dementia and needs a 72 hour hold. That should shut him up.

Remember it could always be worse. I know someone who took their mother with dementia into their home only to wake up with the police standing over their bed in the middle of the night. The mother had called 911 to say her house had been broken into and the burglars were sleeping in her bed. Luckily the police were very understanding. It was quite a shock for the couple and their children however. So I guess despite all the struggles we face its good to be reminded other people face struggles too.

I hope you have a peaceful week and there is no more drama for awhile. Remember boring is well... .boring. No reaction should hopefully breed no reaction.

best wishes for a peaceful week with no unexpected "deaths" on your part.

Hugs   

[Harri]

Hi Indie!  I am so glad you can see the humor in it as well so good for you for having such a great attitude!  It is sad, tragic, cruel and hysterical all at the same time.  I have heard quite a few stories about parents who pull crazy stunts and I can tell you that this one ranks pretty high up.  My mom would pull stuff (not to this extent tho) and I would refer to them as The Fruit Loop Capers.  It helped me to keep the right attitude for me. 

Woolspinner had a great line as well.  I almost missed it:

She has stooped to new lows (specifically 6 feet under).

  Pure gold! 

Hope, I love your plan for your father should he stoop to such lows.  Good for you for taking care of you.  I am sorry that you sister spilled the beans though. 

Indie, I am wildly curious about something.  I have no idea if it is appropriate to ask, so feel free to tell me off.  What did the policewoman do when she found out you were not in fact dead?  Did you hop over to the door and say surprise?

Indie said:   

I feel lighter, and more at peace that I stand my ground

Good for you!  She does not know it, but with her antics, she has helped you out greatly! 

[Indie]

Hope, I have come, over the years, to really like boring!  It means I have the mental energy to pursue and learn about new things in this world.   If my mother lived in the same town, I would have loved to send the policewoman back to mom's place!   I have to say, your story about waking up to police standing over you in bed trumps police at the door!  Wow.  I do hope you get the opportunity to have the police on your door so you can have some fun with it!

Harri,  it is totally appropriate to ask :-)   I so wish I had the quick thinking to do something like that.  In my shock, all I could muster was "my mother is crazy", to which she rolled her eyes and said she would let everyone know all is well.  The police woman is off today, and on duty tomorrow, and I am going to call and thank her... .I feel she was lovely and compassionate and I want to let her know. 

I thought about the Not Dead Yet scene from Monty Pythons and the Holy Grail.  Anyone seen it?  There is a youtube of it... .I just looked at it and laughed. 

So, I went downtown today to police headquarters and got a copy of the Incident Detail.  Freaky and Creepy to read.  She had asked that the police "have (my husband) call her regarding her deceased daughter.  She has tried to call (husband) but has not reached him to confirm."   

In more fun news, she is calling my son every day trying to give him money!   He tells her he doesn't need or want any, and she insists.  I say he should not accept, but my husband says heck, let him take all she will give him!  Any thoughts on that?  He knows her deal, and that she want to buy his attention.  What an ugly repugnant game she plays.

I do feel better mentally, but find myself physically exhausted today with big black circles under eyes. 

Really grateful for the wishes for peace, the hugs and the camaraderie. 

[Harri]

Thanks for answering my question!  I am sure the policewoman will appreciate your thanks.  I wonder how often they have to handle stuff like this?  I am not at all surprised that you feel exhausted.  Aside from dying and resurrecting, you had quite the emotional shock.  Plus, the release of all the anxiety you have had lately takes it's toll.  The emotional release is exhausting.  Be sure to take extra special care of yourself and get rest and all that stuff. 

I just watched the clip on youtube, so once again, thanks for the laugh.

About the money, well, I just wrote that he should take it, but I got this awful feeling in my stomach and had to backspace.  If it were me, I would say thank you, but I am all set now and prefer you have it handy in case you need it... .but once you die, then feel free to pass it on to me!  Okay, maybe not that last bit, but definitely the first part. 

Like you said earlier, she uses it as a way to control and it gives her the illusion of power.  I would not want to have her trying to yank my chain for the rest of her days no matter how much I get her and her silly tricks.  That kind of stuff wears at you and who needs that? 

[hope2727]

Yes I ca only imagine how exhausting it is. As for the money I once received $5000 cash in the mail from my father. Yes cash. That was to ensure I couldn't just not cash the cheque. I set it in an account and my mom and I spend years trying to compose hilarious fake letters of gratitude from fictitious charities he would hate to than him for his generous donation. He is VERY racist, sexist, homophobic and whatever else you can think of. So we sat around coming up with names like "The gay and lesbian, half whatever race, ethnic dancers graciously thank you for your generous donation of $5000. Then we would laugh hysterically. 

Take the money if he feels like it and set it in a college fund. He can still ignore her afterwards. Consider it a fine for bad behaviour.

[Panda39]

Hi Indie,

Love Monty Python too!

"Bring out your dead... .Bring out your dead... ."     

Anyway... .

I wanted to give you my 2 cents on the money.  I say no don't accept it.  It comes with conditions and guilt not worth the price you pay for taking it.

Now for my other bit of (bossy) advice, Get Some REST!