"let's be friends and get together later"

[Infern0]

Anyone else got fed this bull___?

Mine asked me to be friends while she was with another dude and that we'd get together later. She said I "proved I couldn't be there for her" because after her flaking on a date for the 100th time at the very last minute I ignored her for a few hours. In this time she jumped to my replacement (Who had been lined up for a while)

I was told it was my fault and I BELIVED it, I felt so guilty and selfish.

She then gave me that, that "she really thinks we are meant to be together and hopes we will in the future"

I think that was the worst for me, I'd say if that's true then do it now, but she couldn't give me any answers and Said I was cruel for telling her she made no sense.  Said I made her feel like a freak.

I mean really.

[AG]

Im sorry man that your hurt off of that nonsense and rightfully angry. Im trying to force myself into the accepting stage for me. Just accepting that this is how they are. They behave terribly aand without any sense of dignity and all you can do is literallt shake your head and feel dissapointed for ever even meeting them. Once we are healed maybe we will feel grateful for the experience but I doubt it. I just look foward to the moment when im lookong back and laughing inside about situations with these people and just say to myself what the heck was I thinking. I say it all the time on here and I probably never will stop but it really amazes me that these kind of people exist. Today I felt a bit sorry for my ex as I think theyre existence is pretty sad and not much of an existence at all. Usually i feel anger all the time or nausea and disgust that I even touched her or even something simple as kissing her. Then I though of all the people on here that have the same feeling of nausea when thinking of theyre ex. I then thought damn she probably has left a trail of people grossed out by her and avoiding her like some kind of monster. Think if everywhere you went people were left disgusted by you. Its sad brother. Dont worry just keep her away from you so you can heal

[enlighten me]

Ive spent today pondering the whole recycle thing.

As some may be aware Ive taken an interest in how hormones affect peoples moods and how cortisol in particular may have a major role in BPD.

One of the things that muddys my theory is that prolonged high levels of cortisol cause severe health problems.

This got me thinking about the whole cheating/ new relationship/ recycle issue. Could it be possible that these are nothing more than a means for the BPD to balance out their hormones and prevent more severe health issues.

The fact that a BPD wants to return to one person may actually be that they like them and not some twisted game as some people see it. The BPD doesn't know why they do these things all they know is that when theyre with one person for a long time they end up more and more upset.

Just a thought.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Mine slung almost the exact same line this last time. "If we are friends and prove you can be here for me then we can get back together." Im of course sensing no logic in this line either while being on the recieving end standing there. Though it all made sense as i knew she was lining up a replacement. Its funny how i could just tell by her dressing differently and behavior/speech pattern changes. On top of the two weeks befoer the break up of "not wanting to talk on the phone" and "needing space". I now have proof of the replacement as my friend follows her on instagram and theres a #MCM(man crush monday... trust me i didnt know what the heck it was at first either till my friend explained.)  Its weird because i havent been intiating contact but lately she has. It will always be a question or update she feels i need to know in here life. Ill respond cordially and thats it until she contacts me again... and all this after i tried to approach her after she got off work and making me out to be a stalker while rejecting any attempts to talk then driving off with a blank look. I feel like im in the twilight zone... as im sure we all do with them.

[Mutt]

The day my wife moved out she said "You never know Mutt, maybe we'll get remarried someday" She was having an affair she kept hidden for months. She moved in with him.

I told her we're not getting remarried later.

She tried to do family things together with her, I and the kids after moving out. I told her we're not doing things as a family. This is divorce, we're two separate families.

She wanted me at arms length in case things didn't work out. She's an adult and it was her decisions, as impulsive and dysfunctional as they are.

I set a boundary that I'm not interested in rekindling a relationship or being friends so soon after the split. I need time and space to process everything and she crossed a line that goes against my core virtues.

She broke a sacred covenant and I can't trust her completely again. What is a relationship without a foundation of trusting each other? I understand that you can work through affairs but if my ex dissociates that she had an affair, I can't go along with her reality with eyes wide open.

My goal was to truly grieve, learn and move unto a healthier relationship. I was set free after she broke a sacred contract. I'll find someone honorable and has similar virtues.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Mine said "I can't be with you at this time". Of course giving me hope that some day we could get back together! Not that I care about that anymore. :P

[myself]

"Just be a back-up life preserver for the life I keep %$#*ing up"

[Vatz]

"Just be a back-up life preserver for the life I keep %$#*ing up"

A bit harsh. Sums it up pretty well though.

[RisingSun]

The day my wife moved out she said "You never know Mutt, maybe we'll get remarried someday" She was having an affair she kept hidden for months. She moved in with him.

I told her we're not getting remarried later.

She tried to do family things together with her, I and the kids after moving out. I told her we're not doing things as a family. This is divorce, we're two separate families.

She wanted me at arms length in case things didn't work out. She's an adult and it was her decisions, as impulsive and dysfunctional as they are.

I set a boundary that I'm not interested in rekindling a relationship or being friends so soon after the split. I need time and space to process everything and she crossed a line that goes against my core virtues.

She broke a sacred covenant and I can't trust her completely again. What is a relationship without a foundation of trusting each other? I understand that you can work through affairs but if my ex dissociates that she had an affair, I can't go along with her reality with eyes wide open.

My goal was to truly grieve, learn and move unto a healthier relationship. I was set free after she broke a sacred contract. I'll find someone honorable and has similar virtues.

Ok, this is weird. Our situations sound eerily similar. I could have easily written your words.

My stbxw said the exact same thing ""You never know RS, maybe we'll get remarried someday". And of course my response was the same as yours, "no we won't be getting remarried nor are we going to be friends".

When I went NC and told her that I no longer wanted to speak, her response was, "that's just like you, deny and avoid". In part I would agree, I'm choosing to deny myself contact, so I can avoid being hurt again. What she meant was, "how dare you deny and avoid acknowledging/validating my reality".

When I saw what her twisted reality existed of, I got out. No way would I be friends with her. If she can't respect a sacred commitment, why would I trust her with my friendship?

Fine divorce me, we could possibly be friends later down the road. But she blew all chances of being friends when she betrayed me by leaving with another man. And her lack of empathy astounded me. I might look back but I'm never turning back. Friends? NO THANKS. Especially now that I know about BPD.

[blissful_camper]

It's carrot dangling.  They don't want to commit, but they don't want you going away either.  Pretty sick, huh?   Don't take it personally.   The patterns are repeated with the replacement. 

[Infared]

  "she really thinks we are meant to be together and hopes we will in the future"

(... .just try to ignore the fact that she is doing another dude right now... .)

                   

YEAH RIGHT!

[camuse]

Do they consciously lie when they say this crap?

Mine really did seem sincere, she was crying and saying it didn't feel right us not being together but it was the best thing, and she hoped that in the future we would be together forever. It was drivel of course, but if she was aware of it being a lie, she should get an oscar!

[enlighten me]

I have to admit that I think theres a bit more to it than just keeping you as a life jacket.

It could be that they like you but know they cant control their behaviour so realise that they will continue to hurt you which they don't want to do.

Or it could be that we are a known quantity and they are more comfortable with the known.

Or it could be that they just say it as they don't want you to hate them and by saying it they think it shows you that they are nice.

Or it could be a mixture.

Only the BPD can answer this one.

[Infared]

Do they consciously lie when they say this crap?

Mine really did seem sincere, she was crying and saying it didn't feel right us not being together but it was the best thing, and she hoped that in the future we would be together forever. It was drivel of course, but if she was aware of it being a lie, she should get an oscar!

Here is the thing... .it does not matter if they "think" that they are telling the truth or not.

It is soo selfish, sick and controlling. Look at the actions, they just do not jibe with the words... .do they? it's self-centered to the extreme.

[blissful_camper]

Do they consciously lie when they say this crap?

Mine really did seem sincere, she was crying and saying it didn't feel right us not being together but it was the best thing, and she hoped that in the future we would be together forever. It was drivel of course, but if she was aware of it being a lie, she should get an oscar!

I think we all knew when our exes were sincere.  The thing to remember is that's how they felt at that moment, and it doesn't always carry over to the next moment.  

[RisingSun]

Do they consciously lie when they say this crap?

Mine really did seem sincere, she was crying and saying it didn't feel right us not being together but it was the best thing, and she hoped that in the future we would be together forever. It was drivel of course, but if she was aware of it being a lie, she should get an oscar!

My stbxw said, while sobbing, "I don't know if I can live without you, I love you so much". A week later she filed for divorce and is now in a relationship with the man she was having an affair with. She may have felt what she said in the moment but BPDs can't hold onto feelings with any consistency.

What they say and feel one moment won't hold for very long. Their emotion's and feeling's are like waves on the ocean. Sometimes there's a storm, sometimes the water is calm. These are shark infested waters I will never go surfing in again.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

 "she really thinks we are meant to be together and hopes we will in the future"

(... .just try to ignore the fact that she is doing another dude right now... .)

                   

YEAH RIGHT!

I died after this! lmao 

[BacknthSaddle]

It's carrot dangling.  They don't want to commit, but they don't want you going away either.  Pretty sick, huh?   :)on't take it personally.   The patterns are repeated with the replacement. 

Everyone is right on here, and I would just add that fundamentally there's nothing particularly eerie about it; the behaviors occur in patterns and the patterns are the same from person to person.  

I like to consider myself a fairly assertive and decisive person, so the deliberate vagueness from my ex in regard to this type of things drove me mad:

1) "I don't love you like you want me too" rather than "I'm not in love with you anymore"

2) "I know that life is long, so it doesn't bother me if we're not close for 6 months or a year, because I know we will be close again"

Many other similar things.  Of course, there were times when she would be explicit about her feelings, but then of course at other times she was explicit in the exact opposite direction.  One day she'd say "lose my number," then the next yell at me for not contacting her, then if I did contact her a week further on say "I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore."  She'd say we'd have the negative conversation "a million times" but never acknowledge that we'd had the exact opposite conversation a million times.  Or vice versa, depending on how she was feeling.  

The things to remember are: feelings are facts, dissociation is a powerful defense, and the disorder is driven by competing fears of abandonment and engulfment. Or, as blissful camper puts it, "They don't want to commit, but they don't want you going away either. "  The best thing to do is what Mutt says.  Just because she can't draw a firm line doesn't mean that you can't.  

[Infared]

"Just because she can't draw a firm line doesn't mean that you can't.  "

Thanks!

That is empowering!

[Popcorn71]

I had this crap from my xBPDh too.  A while before we split up, he said 'If things don't work out between us, I'd like to think that in a few years when your kids have left home, that I could knock on your door and if you were single we could give it another go.'

I laughed at the time as I just thought it was a stupid thing to say.  I didn't know at the time that he was planning on leaving.  Now I really think he meant it!

[honeysuckle]

Hey! I also got the friend speech.  first he said... .we could still be friends and keep in touch... .I was after all a "really cool" person. When I said that would be to difficult for me I was told that maybe in a couple years we could try again. When I asked why he thought that his response was it would be like a reset... .

Just a side note: It really bugs me how so many people hear the same garbage I did. Like even the conversations are not even original.   

[Vatz]

Like even the conversations are not even original.   

This made me think of cheesy pick-up lines for some reason.

Yeah, it's pretty sad. What's sort of particularly sad is the folks that agree to stay friends. Some stories I heard guys tell on here just made me shudder.

[camuse]

Like even the conversations are not even original.   

This made me think of cheesy pick-up lines for some reason.

Yeah, it's pretty sad. What's sort of particularly sad is the folks that agree to stay friends. Some stories I heard guys tell on here just made me shudder.

Do you have any links?

[Vatz]

Like even the conversations are not even original.   

This made me think of cheesy pick-up lines for some reason.

Yeah, it's pretty sad. What's sort of particularly sad is the folks that agree to stay friends. Some stories I heard guys tell on here just made me shudder.

Do you have any links?

Unfortunately no. I don't have the link and can't find it. But, basically the story was this guy did agree to be her friend for a while, and there came a breaking point when he went to hang out with her at a pub or something like that. He met her other friends. Either guys who were her exes, or just (and I hate this term) "orbiters." The way he described it was saying "These guys are all such losers, and they think for one second she'd ever want them? It's pathetic." I'm paraphrasing. Basically he thought every one of those guys who hung around her, pretty much waiting for their turn for when her boyfriend was discarded, that all those guys were just such sad sacks. Then realized that he was just looking in the mirror.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, I was an orbiter. Once their mark is chosen, they throw away the remaining orbiters. And on their way out they have to rebuild them again.

[Vatz]

Yeah, I was an orbiter. Once their mark is chosen, they throw away the remaining orbiters. And on their way out they have to rebuild them again.

That's EXACTLY it! I'm sorry you had to deal with that sort of BS. I think the reason she decided to be with me is because we were "friends" for a while and I just said "Yeah, it doesn't look like you and I are going anywhere. I think I'm just going to move on with my life."

Then some stuff happened and next thing I know she was asking me out. It was strange.

[merm49]

I was told, a week after the night she wanted a breakup, which led to a completely insane week (pregnancy scare, stalking incident), that she wanted "to be together without being together, together".  This, mind you, while she was literally getting marriage proposals at a rate of one-two very week or so (Muslim family). 

It's funny, I chalked up a lot of the hot and cold for so, so long to cultural issues; even when I was in NC.  It took her writing an email very similar to OPs to lure me out of NC, and those that have seen my posts know how that ended .  Reading this board and everyone's stories, its eery how similar each and every recycle/frantic pull attempt is regardless of the pwBPD's culture and the r/s' pathology.  Legitimately like it's out of  a playbook. 

[Infared]

I had this crap from my xBPDh too.  A while before we split up, he said 'If things don't work out between us, I'd like to think that in a few years when your kids have left home, that I could knock on your door and if you were single we could give it another go.'

I laughed at the time as I just thought it was a stupid thing to say.  I didn't know at the time that he was planning on leaving.  Now I really think he meant it!

Mine said something similar as she was leaving and lying about having someone else in her life while living with me for 5 years... .something about "finding her way back to me someday"

What the heck? (Especially now that I KNOW that she was running off to someone else).

It is the dialog of an 8-yr-old... .It is more manipulation to assuage us and to diminish their deceit and to also convince themselves in their self-centered fairy tale that they are not the villain, with the "who-knows-what-the-future-will-bring BS. THEY KNEW THE FUTURE WAS THEM IN BED WITH THEIR NEW SUPPLY   The words meant nothing as soon as they left their lips... .

[topknot]

Amen to everything said here, especially "they can't commit, but they don't want you to go away either." Can't we still be friends? I said WOW, I don't sleep with my FRIENDS, so NO! Then he started packing up and crying. I was so confused. Never had been asked that before. When it's over, you're done. Just was shaking my head 

[camuse]

Thanks for the example.

I feel pretty stupid about trying to be friends now, last about 2 months and i simply stopped replying to her once i realised i was being used. She's with an orbiter now, I feel stupid for those 2 months while she was presumably getting things going with him.

At least it was me that broke contact, and I heard that she felt "suicidal" when I did so, but still - I was a fool for even trying.