BPD and Non-BPD recycling...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone 

I’m 30 years old and, not counting casual dating, flings etc, I have had what I consider four proper relationships in my life.

No.1 and No.2 were both nice, normal, stable guys and I look back fondly on what were pretty good relationships. No.3 was a jerk (my excuse is I was rebounding from No.2! A deeply unpleasant, self-absorbed person... .my family joke about how I set the bar for hideous boyfriends with him!) and No.4 was my diagnosed BPD ex.

What’s interesting to me is that out of my four exes, it was No.1 and No.2 (the two well rounded, pleasant guys with not so much as a hint of a PD) that made recycle attempts!   No. 2 (my longest relationship) spent 2.5 years making numerous attempts after we broke up and No.1 announced 9 months ago that he wanted to get back together (we broke up TEN years ago. I nearly spat my drink across the table when he unleashed that gem!) No.3 only loves himself and there’s more chance of hell freezing over than hearing from him again.  No.4 (dBPD) hasn’t made any recycle attempts since his sudden exit almost 4 months ago – the closest I have had from him was a cryptic message just over two weeks ago saying that he had made a mistake by breaking up; I guess it was a kind of “testing the waters” but not what I would consider an overt, obvious recycle attempt and I have heard nothing since.

I suppose my question is: why is recycling so heavily linked to BPD? When in my case I have been on the end of recycling attempts from only non-BPD’s?  Isn't it just a "thing" that some people do and some people don't?

BR xx

[BlondeRunner]

Hi everyone 

I’m 30 years old and, not counting casual dating, flings etc, I have had what I consider four proper relationships in my life.

No.1 and No.2 were both nice, normal, stable guys and I look back fondly on what were pretty good relationships. No.3 was a jerk (my excuse is I was rebounding from No.2! A deeply unpleasant, self-absorbed person... .my family joke about how I set the bar for hideous boyfriends with him!) and No.4 was my diagnosed BPD ex.

What’s interesting to me is that out of my four exes, it was No.1 and No.2 (the two well rounded, pleasant guys with not so much as a hint of a PD) that made recycle attempts!   No. 2 (my longest relationship) spent 2.5 years making numerous attempts after we broke up and No.1 announced 9 months ago that he wanted to get back together (we broke up TEN years ago. I nearly spat my drink across the table when he unleashed that gem!) No.3 only loves himself and there’s more chance of hell freezing over than hearing from him again.  No.4 (dBPD) hasn’t made any recycle attempts since his sudden exit almost 4 months ago – the closest I have had from him was a cryptic message just over two weeks ago saying that he had made a mistake by breaking up; I guess it was a kind of “testing the waters” but not what I would consider an overt, obvious recycle attempt and I have heard nothing since.

I suppose my question is: why is recycling so heavily linked to BPD? When in my case I have been on the end of recycling attempts from only non-BPD’s?  Isn't it just a "thing" that some people do and some people don't?

BR xx

[LettingGo14]

I suppose my question is: why is recycling so heavily linked to BPD? When in my case I have been on the end of recycling attempts from only non-BPD’s?  Isn't it just a "thing" that some people do and some people don't?

Hello BR. 

You make a good point that can be extended to any behavior we ascribe to pwBPD.   Just as with any behavior, "recycle" does not have to be a pejorative term.   "Reconnecting" is something that humans do. 

Labeling things can be helpful, but also limiting.   We use terms to help us figure out what happened, and although many of us share similar experiences, the spectrum is broad & wide & long.

Ultimately, to detach, we look to ourselves.  This is what gives us freedom.  It is not what happened to us, it's how we relate to it.

Keep posting -- it helps us all.

LG14

[BuildingFromScratch]

I would say that in this context. Recycling is more about their desperate need to have a partner. Where as reconnecting to someone is because you feel fond of them and want to see how they're doing and possibly get with them. Recycling reminds me of a leech coming back to suck you dry again, . Call me bitter.

[Loveofhislife]

Good morning, Blonderunner.  In my experience, pwBPD HATE being alone--it is perhaps one of their greatest fears, which explains some of their trepidation about abandonment.  Why?  Because when they're alone, they are REALLY alone.  They don't have a self.  So, my guess is that their mentality is any port in a storm.  Even after we have been devalued and discarded, we're better than their profound emptiness. Unfortunately, in my experience, I have plugged that vacuous hole in pwBPD only to wind up being sucked in.  I continue to have a hard time getting out once I've been sucked in.  Recycling is just smart contingency planning for them--never know when you might need to bring someone up from the junior varsity team or bring someone else out of retirement.  The important thing is that they ALWAYS have someone; otherwise, they are stuck with the emptiness of themselves.

[BlondeRunner]

You make a good point that can be extended to any behavior we ascribe to pwBPD.   Just as with any behavior, "recycle" does not have to be a pejorative term.   "Reconnecting" is something that humans do. 

Hi LettingGo14  

Yes, I guess I was having trouble with negative connotation and was trying to figure out exactly why I viewed the attempts of No.1 and No.2 as “reconnecting” (a positive) and yet if a pwBPD does the same we run to these boards screaming “RECYCLE! RECYCLE!”

I would say that in this context. Recycling is more about their desperate need to have a partner. Where as reconnecting to someone is because you feel fond of them and want to see how they're doing and possibly get with them. Recycling reminds me of a leech coming back to suck you dry again, . Call me bitter.

BFS – That’s it, the difference lies in the purpose. From my personal experience the attempts of ex No.2 came from a genuine place; he didn’t need to be with someone (he never has), he truly wanted to be with me (in fact we split four years ago and he has remained single until fairly recently... .so the proof is in the pudding!).  Whereas with a pwBPD it feels like it comes from a “you’ll do for now” mentality which is something my dBPDex was actually quite aware of – his need to be with someone, anyone, anything (gosh, he has some hideous, questionable notches on his bedpost... .as you say Loveofhislife any port in a storm!) rather than be alone.

And no, I wouldn’t call you bitter!