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Author Topic: Damage Control  (Read 563 times)
.cup.car
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 251

C:\Papyrus


« on: September 02, 2014, 11:36:52 PM »

Might be a bit off-topic, but out of sheer curiosity, what causes parents to exercise seemingly infinite damage control over things their children do?

I'll give some examples:

My adopted cousin (17) suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome, and many of the symptoms mimic BPD - unexplainable rage, extreme promiscuity, constant lying... .etc... .To the point where you can't even comment on the weather around her without it throwing her into a fit. My aunt and uncle are convinced she'll just "get better" one day; that this is all just a phase, and there are often wars within the family over what to do about her. At one point she tried to lure one of my friends to her house under a fake name/dating account picture. When my buddy and I recognized the address and figured out what was going on, we called her out and said some pretty nasty stuff (she was underage at the time, and buddy could have gone to jail if he didn't run the address by me first and just showed up there). My uncle and aunt tried to spin the story as if we were the ones at fault, going as far to accuse us BOTH of having mental disorders for "saying such evil things." Because of this, I don't even bother to talk to that family anymore.

Another cousin of mine from an entirely different family (26) has been in and out of jail for selling various hardcore drugs and other crimes since he was fifteen. Monthly, my aunt promises that he has "turned over a new leaf" and that he's "making positive choices", begging other family members to allow him to attend family gatherings. I have him on Facebook and nothing indicates he isn't a crackhead. The guy has sent people to the hospital over trivial things, and my aunt continues to obsess over little details like "he doesn't technically own a gun" and "he didn't mean to hit the kid with the hockey stick he threw in his general direction."

And finally, my exgfwBPD's (19) parents. As I've described in several threads, my ex's dad (who appears to be a pretty prestigious college professor) threatened to press charges against me when he found out her negative reputation was due to several of our intimate messages being posted online. Despite these messages being 100% real and obviously demonstrating that his daughter was suffering from a severe mental illness, he was still convinced that pressing charges against me would somehow fix his daughter. He did not respond to my reply, and six months later, when I discovered his daughter was continuing to stalk me and messaged him , with proof, to inform him that I was dangerously close to protecting my own well-being and going to the cops, he again didn't respond - even to indicate he'd understood what the situation had progressed to. And in the end he never pressed charges.

I'm really happy all of you are willing to talk about your child's problems on here. And I lurk these parts to give the older folks insight as to how your child's peers might interpret or react to their behavior.

But I do not understand what causes some parents to be so blind to their child's actions... .?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
HealingSpirit
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Relationship status: Married 19 years.
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2014, 12:14:23 AM »

But I do not understand what causes some parents to be so blind to their child's actions... .?

If we had the answer to that, we could all write a book!  My hunch is a lot of people are just plain co-dependent.  So, when it comes to their kids, it shows up as looking the other way when their "precious angels" do wrong.  Perhaps it could also have to do with a mother's instinct to love and see the potential in her children, rather than how they actually are? 

You sound angry about your cousins' behavior, and their parents' lack of involvement. I would be too!  It is maddening to see people (anybody) getting away with bad behavior. Even more frustrating to watch people or parents enable them in the process.  If you are angry at your extended family members, perhaps a better venue to work through it would be on the board for family members with BPD. 

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

I'm afraid this particular mom has no other answers for you. We ALL do the very best we can with the skills, knowledge, and awareness we have at any given moment. 

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