Here we go... but need support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So the appointment is scheduled to start talking about the divorce process with my attorney. Wish me luck. I'm nervous and feel a bit "on rails", in that decisions just keep getting made (after years of resisting doing exactly that).

Here's where I could use some support:

My dBPDw is having some legitimate health issues at the moment. While I know there's legit issues, I also truly believe she's overreacting, avoiding doctors, and generally doing things to get that proof she so desperately seeks that I care about her. (You know the proof... .that thing you can't ever fully deliver and always starts at zero when consideration starts)

I feel like a jerk that I'm doing the divorce process (assuming I have the spine to carry it out to the end) in the midst of this health turmoil.

But two things have caused me to put my own needs above hers:

1. I just don't trust her any more on these health issues. It's not "faked up" enough to provide a clear answer that it's fake/exaggerated, so it's hard to feel like a good person and do this in the midst of that. But I just don't trust her.

2. She can't seem to function in these health issues without using me as a blame/punching bag. After several years of this, I can't stand to be the outlet of her frustrations. Maybe this makes me a bad person, since sick people aren't perfect, and I promised in sickness and in health. But this is just too much.

Anyway, I could really use some perspective on whether I'm being a selfish jerk to consider breaking up the marriage in the midst of these health issues. I just can't stand living like this anymore.

[coasterhusband]

So the appointment is scheduled to start talking about the divorce process with my attorney. Wish me luck. I'm nervous and feel a bit "on rails", in that decisions just keep getting made (after years of resisting doing exactly that).

Here's where I could use some support:

My dBPDw is having some legitimate health issues at the moment. While I know there's legit issues, I also truly believe she's overreacting, avoiding doctors, and generally doing things to get that proof she so desperately seeks that I care about her. (You know the proof... .that thing you can't ever fully deliver and always starts at zero when consideration starts)

I feel like a jerk that I'm doing the divorce process (assuming I have the spine to carry it out to the end) in the midst of this health turmoil.

But two things have caused me to put my own needs above hers:

1. I just don't trust her any more on these health issues. It's not "faked up" enough to provide a clear answer that it's fake/exaggerated, so it's hard to feel like a good person and do this in the midst of that. But I just don't trust her.

2. She can't seem to function in these health issues without using me as a blame/punching bag. After several years of this, I can't stand to be the outlet of her frustrations. Maybe this makes me a bad person, since sick people aren't perfect, and I promised in sickness and in health. But this is just too much.

Anyway, I could really use some perspective on whether I'm being a selfish jerk to consider breaking up the marriage in the midst of these health issues. I just can't stand living like this anymore.

[coasterhusband]

Should I assume that the lack of response means that perhaps I *am* being a jerk?

Any help/insight/viewpoints are much appreciated.

[catnap]

No, you are not being a jerk.  It seems she has used health issues (real and imagined) for years to manipulate you. 

Plus, your daughter needs to be out of her toxic reach. 

[Mutt]

1. I just don't trust her any more on these health issues. It's not "faked up" enough to provide a clear answer that it's fake/exaggerated, so it's hard to feel like a good person and do this in the midst of that. But I just don't trust her.

Trust your instincts. You pay your attorney a lot of money. Let your attorney handle the stress.

2. She can't seem to function in these health issues without using me as a blame/punching bag. After several years of this, I can't stand to be the outlet of her frustrations. Maybe this makes me a bad person, since sick people aren't perfect, and I promised in sickness and in health. But this is just too much.

Is she commited to therapy?

You're not a jerk. Don't think about dBPDw's needs.

Above all,

I agree with catnap be the voice for your D6. She's #1, focus on her through divorce.


- Hang in there

[Heartandsole]

I can relate as I am at the same stage in my divorce.  I have no kids but I also have the FOG conspiring with the words "through sickness and in health"  3 weeks into our marriage that was tested with Cancer with her, she is fine now, but very high maint. on the health front. 

Today she told me she needs a new car "for health reasons".  I just put $1200 into her car that is paid off last week.

I digress.  You are not being a jerk. There is never going to be a good time to do this.  Also the process is going to take some time, and she is going to have to learn how to take care of herself a bit more.  A lot of us here are the rescuer/fixer/caretaker and put others needs above our own.  Classic codependency, and maybe even subconsiously the pwBPD use our kindness and misinterpret as weakness and use health stuff (or other things) to manipulate and control us non's. 

I can understand you need support.  Feel good about taking a step to take back your life.  Getting a divorce doesn't mean you have to stop caring about her, just FOR her.

[michel71]

You are NOT A JERK. You are finally caring about your health too and that is why you are divorcing. BPDs frequently have real or imagined health problems for some reason. I have read a lot about this lately. Mine has it too. And so does her 10 year old daughter who, in my opinion, is well on her way to her own BPD.

There will always be some health concern. And like the other posters said, there will never be a good time. There are better times. This may be one of them; after all, it could be a coma or something which it is not now.

Get out fast. I agree that you should let the lawyer handle as much stress as possible. That is what they get the big bucks for. You are still going to be emotional. Don't be guilted into anything. That is likely how she got you and kept you her emotional servant.

You will be ok and you are on your way to total freedom.

Pat yourself on the back. You rock buddy!

[Heartandsole]

I don't want to hijack coaster's thread here- but I am really interested in talking more about the health issues, both real (but may have hormonal/cortisol etc origins) and also imagined or exaggerated health issues and how that relates to BPD.  I started a thread a couple weeks ago called "Why all these strange therapies"

The health stuff really tugs on my compassion and heartstrings.  My uBPDw has spent a fortune on all kinds of therapies to help her mentally and physically, and I know she has real health related stuff and I never wanted to judge the efficacy of her treatments and admire her for charging towards good health using all resources available to us.  Who knows what worked and what didn't. 

For sure I can relate to not wanting to leave someone in a bad way.  Even though I still love my wife, I can't be with some of her toxic qualities anymore and Coasterhusband, I know it is super tough what you are going through, because my situation mirrors yours in a lot of ways.  We are definitely in the same spot with regards to the divorce process.  Hang in there.

[coasterhusband]

Thanks for the thoughts and support, everyone.

Interestingly, after a week of very, very little engagement/communication with her (mainly because an incident a week ago caused me to really draw the line), she told me last night that she actually felt pretty good for the first time in a long time. Perhaps coincidence? No, likely she blew her stack a week ago because I wasn't paying enough attention to her medical needs and I withdrew. Back to that question of legitimate issue or not... .

I'm also trying to remind myself that no matter how bad she's feeling, no matter how much she "can't breath", she always has energy to yell at me about how I'm treating her poorly/not taking this seriously/being a terrible person.

But boy oh boy, her relaxed behavior in the last few days (after her angry outburst two days after the event went unanswered from me) makes this hard. I'm literally having to force the mental picture of her meltdown (in front of Daughter) last week into my head to stay on target.

What's really stressing me (besides going into the attorney for the first time in a few minutes) is that we have 2 trips coming up this month together. I want to cancel them all together, but I feel like getting my ducks in order first is the smarter move.

My new mantra: "Stay strong, CoasterHusband. Stay Strong."

[Heartandsole]

Two things HurtHusband.

1. I have some recorded voicemails of anger and rage, and I listen back to them occasionally when I get tempted to recycle or I lose my motivation to follow through.  It helps me to actually HEAR the spite and the nuances in her voice and the demeaning, devaluing, rude, spiteful, vile hate.  Record something if you have to on your phone during upcoming battles where you are using all your "staying tools" and see what happens.  Listening back when you are not in the FOG of the battle could be insightful.  We often forget how bad it was.  For me I would dissociate and not remember a lot of stuff (of course the good parts are easy to remember and to hang onto)

2. Print this out and carry it in your wallet or better yet, have it tattoo'd on the inside of your eyelids.  Keep you focus on walking down a new street brother.  One that isn't poc-marked with bombholes from where you have stepped on all her triggers!

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost... .I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... .it's a habit... .but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

[coasterhusband]

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Beautiful! I love this! Thank you so much for sharing.

[Boss302]

So the appointment is scheduled to start talking about the divorce process with my attorney. Wish me luck. I'm nervous and feel a bit "on rails", in that decisions just keep getting made (after years of resisting doing exactly that).

Here's where I could use some support:

My dBPDw is having some legitimate health issues at the moment. While I know there's legit issues, I also truly believe she's overreacting, avoiding doctors, and generally doing things to get that proof she so desperately seeks that I care about her. (You know the proof... .that thing you can't ever fully deliver and always starts at zero when consideration starts)

I feel like a jerk that I'm doing the divorce process (assuming I have the spine to carry it out to the end) in the midst of this health turmoil.

But two things have caused me to put my own needs above hers:

1. I just don't trust her any more on these health issues. It's not "faked up" enough to provide a clear answer that it's fake/exaggerated, so it's hard to feel like a good person and do this in the midst of that. But I just don't trust her.

2. She can't seem to function in these health issues without using me as a blame/punching bag. After several years of this, I can't stand to be the outlet of her frustrations. Maybe this makes me a bad person, since sick people aren't perfect, and I promised in sickness and in health. But this is just too much.

Anyway, I could really use some perspective on whether I'm being a selfish jerk to consider breaking up the marriage in the midst of these health issues. I just can't stand living like this anymore.

Oh, God, this sounds like my marriage... .my BPDx had a whole variety of ailments, and like you, I wondered which were real and which weren't. Like you, I stayed partially because I vowed "in sickness and in health." And like you, I felt like something of a heel for leaving.

But what I realized was that there's two components to the "sickness and health" scenario - her health and mine. I simply wasn't going to be healthy anymore - not emotionally, maybe not even physically - if I stayed with her. I realized that I had honored my vow, but she hadn't - she was MAKING me sick, and was refusing to do anything about it by treating her BPD. It takes two fully functioning partners, both of whom are committed to doing their end of the deal, to make a marriage work, and by the time I left, my marriage was a one-man deal, and that one man was becoming more depressed and sick every day he had to live with BPDx.

Sometimes you have to save yourself. Your wife is a grown up, and ultimately she's responsible for her own health issues. You can only do so much.

But I'm glad you're here saying what you feel - that's the first step to gaining a far more healthy outlook. In the end, you're going to figure out that doing what you did was the best thing for you... .and probably for her.

A word of caution, though... .if you've been married a long time, and her medical issues are preventing her from working, then be prepared - you're going to be used as her personal pension plan. I don't tell you this to dissuade you, and I don't know if you went into this prepared to pay her off, but be sure to bring this up with your attorney. Address it early.

And definitely stay strong for your kid. That's the most important thing you can do in the end. If your wife is BPD AND physically sick, then your kids are going to need you to be a rock for them.

Let us know how things go... .

[catnap]

Book recommendation:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

[ForeverDad]

When our son was just a toddler, I would beg my then-spouse to get up and watch our son so I could go on to work.  Her reply from bed?  "Leave and I'll get up."  How do you reason with that?  So she would moan and groan, rant and rage and slam doors day or night, usually late at night.  To this day I have a hole the size of a doorknob in a wall from one door she kicked open and a closet door that is cracked from her kicking it so hard.  Some day I'll hire someone to repair all the dings she left behind.

Strangely, once we separated, I never once heard about her moaning and groaning.  I look back and believe she did it both because she could do it and because she saw the effect it had on me.  Once we separated she couldn't manipulate me or guilt me so easily.

While it's possible your wife my 'fall apart' or come up with more issues post-separation, it's also possible she may morph from 'waif' mode to 'queen' or 'witch' modes.  So don't fret overmuch about how she will be impacted.  It is a sad fact that millions of people are divorced.  But they get on with their lives.  She's an adult, don't be guilted into appeasement or weakening your boundaries when she really needs to step up and take charge of her own life, for better or for worse.

[Boss302]

While it's possible your wife my 'fall apart' or come up with more issues post-separation, it's also possible she may morph from 'waif' mode to 'queen' or 'witch' modes.  So don't fret overmuch about how she will be impacted.  It is a sad fact that millions of people are divorced.  But they get on with their lives.  She's an adult, don't be guilted into appeasement or weakening your boundaries when she really needs to step up and take charge of her own life, for better or for worse.

This.