From a distance?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I guess this question is more for those who didn't live with their pwBPD.

Did you find your pwBPD was more likely to 'store' their anger/distress etc and then rage from a distance?  Though I guess they all store resentment anyway.

Mine was a (short lived) long distance relationship recycle.  Every time he returned home after visiting me, which only happened three times, he would message me being curt but polite which would then spiral into a sudden (written) outburst about how he felt/what he perceived.  The issues he was raging about were issues relating to when he was in my company, or how he perceived my behaviour (cold/distant) towards him after he'd left.

The final straw in the recent recycle was due to him ranting (2-3 days after returning home) about how he was sick of my moods and how dare I treat him badly in front of his daughter.  Can you believe he actually focussed on the issue being around two pieces of bread?  Rhetorical question, I'm sure you all can relate, .

I was having a conversation with my adult daughter yesterday (she asked if I'd heard from him) and I mentioned how he always kicks off 'from a distance.'  She laughed and pointed out that his accusations were so ridiculous that he couldn't cope with saying it to my face just because it was so ridiculous, and he knows I would call him out on it.  If they know they are being ridiculous then why would they need to say it at all?

I know this issue arose due to me not applying my own boundaries consistently enough.  The issue wasn't around two pieces of bread, but a constant disregard for our home (entitlement) and invasion of our space, plus constant criticism.  It was just that by the time 'breadgate' occurred I had had enough and was openly showing my annoyance.

I had discussed my concerns prior to them being here, I put it across as needing my own space, etc, but I compromised on reducing the time they would spend here instead.  I knew from past experience that this was a major issue for me, how I felt he acted in my home, but as it was a recycle from six years ago I pushed it to the back of my mind and allowed it to happen, albeit on a shorter time scale than he had initially hoped.

I am used to dealing with face to face rage.  My child is high functioning ASD and rages.  I might not always know what the problem is immediately, but at least I know there is an issue in his mind, regardless of whether it has any basis in reality or not.  We can then start to address what the problem is.

Whilst it had become obvious to the pwBPD that I was getting fed up with him, he initially acted like there was no problem. From my point of view it was not worth getting into an argument about, but had he not raged after that last visit and we remained in contact I would have just been more insistent regarding my boundaries.  I.E. If he had wanted to visit then he would have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

Is this to do with their shame about their own behaviour that they project on to us?

[Lolster]

I guess this question is more for those who didn't live with their pwBPD.

Did you find your pwBPD was more likely to 'store' their anger/distress etc and then rage from a distance?  Though I guess they all store resentment anyway.

Mine was a (short lived) long distance relationship recycle.  Every time he returned home after visiting me, which only happened three times, he would message me being curt but polite which would then spiral into a sudden (written) outburst about how he felt/what he perceived.  The issues he was raging about were issues relating to when he was in my company, or how he perceived my behaviour (cold/distant) towards him after he'd left.

The final straw in the recent recycle was due to him ranting (2-3 days after returning home) about how he was sick of my moods and how dare I treat him badly in front of his daughter.  Can you believe he actually focussed on the issue being around two pieces of bread?  Rhetorical question, I'm sure you all can relate, .

I was having a conversation with my adult daughter yesterday (she asked if I'd heard from him) and I mentioned how he always kicks off 'from a distance.'  She laughed and pointed out that his accusations were so ridiculous that he couldn't cope with saying it to my face just because it was so ridiculous, and he knows I would call him out on it.  If they know they are being ridiculous then why would they need to say it at all?

I know this issue arose due to me not applying my own boundaries consistently enough.  The issue wasn't around two pieces of bread, but a constant disregard for our home (entitlement) and invasion of our space, plus constant criticism.  It was just that by the time 'breadgate' occurred I had had enough and was openly showing my annoyance.

I had discussed my concerns prior to them being here, I put it across as needing my own space, etc, but I compromised on reducing the time they would spend here instead.  I knew from past experience that this was a major issue for me, how I felt he acted in my home, but as it was a recycle from six years ago I pushed it to the back of my mind and allowed it to happen, albeit on a shorter time scale than he had initially hoped.

I am used to dealing with face to face rage.  My child is high functioning ASD and rages.  I might not always know what the problem is immediately, but at least I know there is an issue in his mind, regardless of whether it has any basis in reality or not.  We can then start to address what the problem is.

Whilst it had become obvious to the pwBPD that I was getting fed up with him, he initially acted like there was no problem. From my point of view it was not worth getting into an argument about, but had he not raged after that last visit and we remained in contact I would have just been more insistent regarding my boundaries.  I.E. If he had wanted to visit then he would have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

Is this to do with their shame about their own behaviour that they project on to us?

[Loveofhislife]

Hmmm... .yes, he was a great text rager. We live about 5 miles from each other. My teenage daughter was living with me during my entire one year relationship with exbfBPD. Don't laugh, but my boundary was he could not sleep with me when my daughter was present. During his elongated needy child stage, he NEVER wanted to leave and go home, so he spent about 3 months sleeping on our couch: a huge inconvenience and annoyance to my daughter who had to awake at 5:30am every morning to get ready for school. No matter how many times I told him this made her uncomfortable, he did not care. (See empathy thread). He almost always became angry or very pouty when he did have to eventually leave--and that's when the texting would start--almost always that he knows I'm going to cheat with my boss or my ex husband or whoever. I'm pretty confrontational and many of these pwBPD overlap with passive aggressive tendencies or disorders--he almost will NOT confront me to my face unless I bring it. In fact, I think that's what his silent treatment is about right now. He would much rather deal with me from a distance--that is until the needy child decides he can't live without me and needs to recycle me again 

[Bak86]

We used to fight over text a lot, then i would say it would be best if we talked face to face, but she would rather do it by text. Not sure why, but probably because it's easier to hide emotions when you don't see a person face to face.

[Lolster]

Loveofhislife, that sounds familiar.  He would always, without fail, start to act depressed when it neared the time for him to leave, and would only ever give that as a reason for being down.  I remembered that the first time around he always outstayed his welcome so I was quite firm with how long he could stay this time around.  And yes, I didn't have him here when my child was here.  The last time he came he brought his own child.  I gave up MY bed for them to share and slept in my adult daughters room (on a night she doesn't sleep here). He pulled his face and huffed & puffed that I expected him and his young daughter to go to bed at midnight(!) as my child was in bed and I wanted to sleep and know the house was locked up etc.  That was after he completely took over my living room, unplugged my sons game consoles and plugged his child's in.  So begrudgingly they went to bed.  His child was asleep five minutes later, he was up and down the stairs all night despite taking heavy sleeping meds, in and out the back door smoking and disturbing the dogs, banging the doors.  I hardly got a moments sleep.  When I got up at 7:30am HE went to sleep until 11AM, along with the kid that still hadn't woke up, who allegedly hadn't been tired at midnight. Then I made breakfast for everyone and he started moaning about what they wouldn't eat, (both have food issues) how the bacon he buys is superior (turns out to be the same stuff I gave them from the same store, ).  So my god, did I want them to leave!

Bak86, and that's the thing, adults should be able to discuss issues face to face, or at least over the phone. Mine would want to have the whole convo by text/IM and then never refer to it again.  This time his wish is my command, I will never refer to it again, not even in text.

[pieceofme]

Mine was a (short lived) long distance relationship recycle.  Every time he returned home after visiting me, which only happened three times, he would message me being curt but polite which would then spiral into a sudden (written) outburst about how he felt/what he perceived.  The issues he was raging about were issues relating to when he was in my company, or how he perceived my behaviour (cold/distant) towards him after he'd left.

The final straw in the recent recycle was due to him ranting (2-3 days after returning home) about how he was sick of my moods and how dare I treat him badly in front of his daughter.  Can you believe he actually focussed on the issue being around two pieces of bread?  Rhetorical question, I'm sure you all can relate, .

Whilst it had become obvious to the pwBPD that I was getting fed up with him, he initially acted like there was no problem. From my point of view it was not worth getting into an argument about, but had he not raged after that last visit and we remained in contact I would have just been more insistent regarding my boundaries.  I.E. If he had wanted to visit then he would have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

Is this to do with their shame about their own behaviour that they project on to us?

i could have written this! my ex and i were in the process of relocating and moving in together. i initially moved on a monday and he arrived wednesday night with his first carload of his belongings. days later, he raged - via text - that it didn't seem like i wanted him there, that i didn't make him "feel welcome." he also complained about my "emotions" (ie, he made me cry) and said he "wasn't going to deal with them."

i do think their behavior is a reflection of their shame. in my case, i later discovered that my ex cheated on me the first two nights i moved, then came the third night to move in with me 

[Lolster]

Yikes, pieceofme.

I sincerely hope mine has someone else, not very likely though.  Otherwise I'm half expecting him to break his silence very soon.  His constant 'supply' is his child who will not be able to spend so much time with him now the school holidays are over. 

Then again I hope he doesn't contact me at all.  Last time I ended it with him I was trying too hard to be civil and was doing my best not to hurt his feelings any more than I had.  This time I was much more direct and less considerate.

It all reminded me of the last time I saw him six years ago.  I practically had to throw him out my house on my way to work.  He never left town (despite me having got him out my house) and came to pick me up for lunch before leaving.  Then he nearly totalled the car with me in it. 

[myself]

Yes, this happened in our r/s, too. She'd be here, things would seem fine, she'd leave and then send horrible texts. She'd also send lovely texts looking forward to being here, but then when here, act horribly. BPD = 

[Infared]

Mine stored her rage and resentment, never showed me any... .she got even with me by cheating on me ... .after she ran off and had new supply, then she (LOL!), had the "strength" to show me all her rage!  Such a sad way to live and a sad way to treat others. Had there been any adult communication there would be no need for the continuous psychodrama?

Once they are propped up with new supply they become a roaring lion.  It's pathetic.

[Hope0807]

Hey Lolster!

I DID live with my BPDexh but am going to reply anyway due to some recent events that continue to help me understand his disorder even more clearly.  IMO, they practice storing their resentment away on a daily basis, regardless of whether their love relationships are from a distance or not.  Yes, I believe what you described is directly attributed to "projection" and it's intricacies. It sounds like an easy enough term to understand but only with reading more about it in association with BPD behavior do I feel that I am truly beginning to understand the depths of what was taking place.  So fast forward to today where I am out of the house and no longer the one he can rage at or project onto…He's now doing it to others and posting pathetic apologies on social media to gain sympathy.  His fans empathize with him because they have NO CLUE what he is really like once in his personal space and a serious part of his life.  I set boundaries like crazy.  He bulldozed right through them with utter cruelty.  I too had many versions of your "bread gate" and the "disregard of the home" in my situation was his disregard of the home we shared.  Troubling to say the least.  You sound strong and safely detached from suffering the extent of the trauma those of us who live with and try to love them have endured.  I'm so happy for you that.  Stay strong!

I guess this question is more for those who didn't live with their pwBPD.

Did you find your pwBPD was more likely to 'store' their anger/distress etc and then rage from a distance?  Though I guess they all store resentment anyway.

Mine was a (short lived) long distance relationship recycle.  Every time he returned home after visiting me, which only happened three times, he would message me being curt but polite which would then spiral into a sudden (written) outburst about how he felt/what he perceived.  The issues he was raging about were issues relating to when he was in my company, or how he perceived my behaviour (cold/distant) towards him after he'd left.

The final straw in the recent recycle was due to him ranting (2-3 days after returning home) about how he was sick of my moods and how dare I treat him badly in front of his daughter.  Can you believe he actually focussed on the issue being around two pieces of bread?  Rhetorical question, I'm sure you all can relate, .

I was having a conversation with my adult daughter yesterday (she asked if I'd heard from him) and I mentioned how he always kicks off 'from a distance.'  She laughed and pointed out that his accusations were so ridiculous that he couldn't cope with saying it to my face just because it was so ridiculous, and he knows I would call him out on it.  If they know they are being ridiculous then why would they need to say it at all?

I know this issue arose due to me not applying my own boundaries consistently enough.  The issue wasn't around two pieces of bread, but a constant disregard for our home (entitlement) and invasion of our space, plus constant criticism.  It was just that by the time 'breadgate' occurred I had had enough and was openly showing my annoyance.

I had discussed my concerns prior to them being here, I put it across as needing my own space, etc, but I compromised on reducing the time they would spend here instead.  I knew from past experience that this was a major issue for me, how I felt he acted in my home, but as it was a recycle from six years ago I pushed it to the back of my mind and allowed it to happen, albeit on a shorter time scale than he had initially hoped.

I am used to dealing with face to face rage.  My child is high functioning ASD and rages.  I might not always know what the problem is immediately, but at least I know there is an issue in his mind, regardless of whether it has any basis in reality or not.  We can then start to address what the problem is.

Whilst it had become obvious to the pwBPD that I was getting fed up with him, he initially acted like there was no problem. From my point of view it was not worth getting into an argument about, but had he not raged after that last visit and we remained in contact I would have just been more insistent regarding my boundaries.  I.E. If he had wanted to visit then he would have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

Is this to do with their shame about their own behaviour that they project on to us?

[Lolster]

Yes, this happened in our r/s, too. She'd be here, things would seem fine, she'd leave and then send horrible texts. She'd also send lovely texts looking forward to being here, but then when here, act horribly. BPD = 

Mine still behaved like everything was fine, didn't want to go home, texting me the moment he got there, what a great day out we'd had, blah blah blah, before the accusations started.  It was more a case of being inconsiderate when he was here, leaving strong meds on my kitchen table that the dogs or my child could have had, having a hissy fit about losing his wallet which was actually on the floor of his car.  I did wonder if the 'losing the wallet' was intentional, to have a reason to be grumpy when unable to discuss issues with me.  Running away and then dragging up issues = cowardice.

[Suspicious1]

Text-rager here too. Which was handy as I can look back at them when I have a weak moment and see just how unreasonable, cruel and abusive he was. But barely ever to my face. He let fly from a distance, then could blame "text misunderstandings" for the snowballing of the disagreement.

[Suspicious1]

(Btw loveofhislife, I wouldn't let him sleep in with me when my kids were in the house either, so if that makes you odd, I'm odd too. Happily so )

[Lolster]

Text-rager here too. Which was handy as I can look back at them when I have a weak moment and see just how unreasonable, cruel and abusive he was. But barely ever to my face. He let fly from a distance, then could blame "text misunderstandings" for the snowballing of the disagreement.

Yep, I've kept some too, just as a reminder for next time he contacts me.

And that makes at least 3 of us who are 'odd.' 

[Lolster]

Hey Lolster!

I DID live with my BPDexh but am going to reply anyway due to some recent events that continue to help me understand his disorder even more clearly.  IMO, they practice storing their resentment away on a daily basis, regardless of whether their love relationships are from a distance or not.  Yes, I believe what you described is directly attributed to "projection" and it's intricacies. It sounds like an easy enough term to understand but only with reading more about it in association with BPD behavior do I feel that I am truly beginning to understand the depths of what was taking place.  So fast forward to today where I am out of the house and no longer the one he can rage at or project onto…He's now doing it to others and posting pathetic apologies on social media to gain sympathy.  His fans empathize with him because they have NO CLUE what he is really like once in his personal space and a serious part of his life.  I set boundaries like crazy.  He bulldozed right through them with utter cruelty.  I too had many versions of your "bread gate" and the "disregard of the home" in my situation was his disregard of the home we shared.  Troubling to say the least.  You sound strong and safely detached from suffering the extent of the trauma those of us who live with and try to love them have endured.  I'm so happy for you that.  Stay strong!

Thanks Hope0807,

I'm just as happy to read similarities from people who did live with their pwBPD.  Reading your post just strengthens my belief that they would be the same (or worse) to live with. 

I think to some degree my previous disordered relationship prepared me well for any new pwPD's and I have found it relatively easy to stay detached.  I think I subconsciously preferred a LDR so that I could stay detached if necessary. Note to self - choose more wisely instead. 

[Bak86]

I only made a backup of my texts of my old phone. All those texts were amazing, because she was still idealizing me. I deleted all the texts on my old phone, the texts with all the fights. Pretty stupid thing of me to do... .