My 2cents

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Okay… feeling like I wish I don't know so much about BPD / NPD, but I want to share some thoughts about my understandings about being in a BPD / NPD relationship.  

First, after having gone through and going through a relationship that my wife is NPD… I realize that believing in LOVE is like believing in Santa Clause in my world.  I will one day grow up and have in the past few years and know that there is not a guy who lives in the north pole will bring lots of joy for me once a year.  :)o I feel sad?  Yes, I do.  But it is easier to deal with that living with a NPD.  To be blunt, it is just an abusive relationship, emotionally and sometimes it could turn physical (used to be, much better in the last couple years).  I am a fairly strong guy, physical, I could take, it is the emotional part… just really tough.  

For you who have had a chance to realize you are in a BPD / NPD relationship, I would look at how involved you are first and then make plans accordingly.  My experience with NPD is that once she turns on you, she is pretty much dedicated to wage a mental and psychological warfare with you for the rest of your life.  Your concerns have zero meaning to her, your opinions are not and will never be heard and she uses projection to make up lies to accuse you and try to confuse the entire family with lies to turn black into white just to make herself look like a reverse victim.  I don't know how in their mind they can get away with it, but i got to tell you, I have seen her and other alike get away with it, so maybe most people just get confused by this tactic.  i got to say, I, myself included at first.  I notice, from my personal experience, 75% of PDs are women … which is consistent with the statistics.  Why?  I don't know.  Could be biological?  In my case, I notice my mother-in-law has similar traits and that makes me realize that could be hereditary.  NPDs can be caring, but just not directed at their partner.  It seems to be purposeful and it is obvious to me that it is intentional to end the relationship.  But then they are so controlling that if you should express that, they will engage in tactics that oppress and manipulate the system to keep you from doing so.  

If you are fresh into a relationship, less than 6 months or so, and observe traits of BPD / NPD, no matter how much in love you think you are … run the other way.  don't event try to discuss issues, at this stage, s/he will charm you back into their trap and you will end up staying. Unless you feel like you want to make her or him your lifetime project.  

If you are greater than 6 months and more into the relationship, then I suggest you to take a hard look.  go through this board, read up on books, do a check list and approach her with your honest concerns.  :)o not ignore what books and board is telling you.  You need to understand what you are dealing with.  If you don't, you will be very confused, very angry and often bad things happen.  I consider myself A+ when comes to dealing with women and extremely patient.  I grew up with 2 sisters and 3 female cousins.  I got kicked around a lot by women, so I could handle it.  :)espite my training, you can not fight false allegations and accusations, they will give you lots of trouble and worst yet, if all your life you lived by a honor code and that person who supposed to love you and knows who you are purposely malign you and manipulate law enforcement system to entrap you.  You will be defeated and destroyed.  I thought I could handle it.  But not really well, I feel like sometimes it is like PTSD disorder, but it is like going through it everyday in the past, present and fear for the future (because there is none).  :)on't be optimistic at less than 2 years mark of your relationship.  If you pick up the signs and it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is probably a duck.  Just accept it and slowly and tactfully disengage.  I used to think truth is best policy, but when coming to handling a BPD / NPD that have severe controlling issues, I would be creative about your reasons for distancing.  Otherwise, they will wage a "battle" to control you… unfortunately some like the attention that they bring and will be suck right back in.  So know who you are and be tactful.  

If you are like me… discover there is a such thing as BPD / NPD years too late.  With kids and share commitments, I don't have an advice for you… I am coping it everyday myself.  But if anything that I am trying worked, I will share…. Good luck to all undecided.  Everyone has unique circumstance and my suggestions are not for everyone … just for you to think about.

[Pou]

Okay… feeling like I wish I don't know so much about BPD / NPD, but I want to share some thoughts about my understandings about being in a BPD / NPD relationship.  

First, after having gone through and going through a relationship that my wife is NPD… I realize that believing in LOVE is like believing in Santa Clause in my world.  I will one day grow up and have in the past few years and know that there is not a guy who lives in the north pole will bring lots of joy for me once a year.  :)o I feel sad?  Yes, I do.  But it is easier to deal with that living with a NPD.  To be blunt, it is just an abusive relationship, emotionally and sometimes it could turn physical (used to be, much better in the last couple years).  I am a fairly strong guy, physical, I could take, it is the emotional part… just really tough.  

For you who have had a chance to realize you are in a BPD / NPD relationship, I would look at how involved you are first and then make plans accordingly.  My experience with NPD is that once she turns on you, she is pretty much dedicated to wage a mental and psychological warfare with you for the rest of your life.  Your concerns have zero meaning to her, your opinions are not and will never be heard and she uses projection to make up lies to accuse you and try to confuse the entire family with lies to turn black into white just to make herself look like a reverse victim.  I don't know how in their mind they can get away with it, but i got to tell you, I have seen her and other alike get away with it, so maybe most people just get confused by this tactic.  i got to say, I, myself included at first.  I notice, from my personal experience, 75% of PDs are women … which is consistent with the statistics.  Why?  I don't know.  Could be biological?  In my case, I notice my mother-in-law has similar traits and that makes me realize that could be hereditary.  NPDs can be caring, but just not directed at their partner.  It seems to be purposeful and it is obvious to me that it is intentional to end the relationship.  But then they are so controlling that if you should express that, they will engage in tactics that oppress and manipulate the system to keep you from doing so.  

If you are fresh into a relationship, less than 6 months or so, and observe traits of BPD / NPD, no matter how much in love you think you are … run the other way.  don't event try to discuss issues, at this stage, s/he will charm you back into their trap and you will end up staying. Unless you feel like you want to make her or him your lifetime project.  

If you are greater than 6 months and more into the relationship, then I suggest you to take a hard look.  go through this board, read up on books, do a check list and approach her with your honest concerns.  :)o not ignore what books and board is telling you.  You need to understand what you are dealing with.  If you don't, you will be very confused, very angry and often bad things happen.  I consider myself A+ when comes to dealing with women and extremely patient.  I grew up with 2 sisters and 3 female cousins.  I got kicked around a lot by women, so I could handle it.  :)espite my training, you can not fight false allegations and accusations, they will give you lots of trouble and worst yet, if all your life you lived by a honor code and that person who supposed to love you and knows who you are purposely malign you and manipulate law enforcement system to entrap you.  You will be defeated and destroyed.  I thought I could handle it.  But not really well, I feel like sometimes it is like PTSD disorder, but it is like going through it everyday in the past, present and fear for the future (because there is none).  :)on't be optimistic at less than 2 years mark of your relationship.  If you pick up the signs and it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is probably a duck.  Just accept it and slowly and tactfully disengage.  I used to think truth is best policy, but when coming to handling a BPD / NPD that have severe controlling issues, I would be creative about your reasons for distancing.  Otherwise, they will wage a "battle" to control you… unfortunately some like the attention that they bring and will be suck right back in.  So know who you are and be tactful.  

If you are like me… discover there is a such thing as BPD / NPD years too late.  With kids and share commitments, I don't have an advice for you… I am coping it everyday myself.  But if anything that I am trying worked, I will share…. Good luck to all undecided.  Everyone has unique circumstance and my suggestions are not for everyone … just for you to think about.

[Mutt]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Pou.

Despite my training, you can not fight false allegations and accusations, they will give you lots of trouble and worst yet, if all your life you lived by a honor code and that person who supposed to love you and knows who you are purposely malign you and manipulate law enforcement system to entrap you.

I disagree. I went through a smear campaign with very awful things said about me to her family and friends with emotionally abusive her and the kids, physical abuse and financial abuse. Her fear of abandonment was triggered and it ensued the lies and false accusations. 

I was scared that she was going to be like this in court and I think that she knew that judges would see through the lies. I was stressed out and fearful and I mentioned the smear campaign session in a session with my P. She said "Mutt, that doesn't belong to you. It belongs to your wife. It's not something you should worry about". All borderlines are different and some members have gone through worse.

Maintain radio silence with your partner and don't react to unmitigated allegations. There are two sides to every story. I kept my head high and the smear campaign eventually fizzled out. The truth has a way of working it's way out.

[Pou]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Pou.

Despite my training, you can not fight false allegations and accusations, they will give you lots of trouble and worst yet, if all your life you lived by a honor code and that person who supposed to love you and knows who you are purposely malign you and manipulate law enforcement system to entrap you.

I disagree. I went through a smear campaign with very awful things said about me to her family and friends with emotionally abusive her and the kids, physical abuse and financial abuse. Her fear of abandonment was triggered and it ensued the lies and false accusations. 

I was scared that she was going to be like this in court and I think that she knew that judges would see through the lies. I was stressed out and fearful and I mentioned the smear campaign session in a session with my P. She said "Mutt, that doesn't belong to you. It belongs to your wife. It's not something you should worry about". All borderlines are different and some members have gone through worse.

Maintain radio silence with your partner and don't react to unmitigated allegations. There are two sides to every story. I kept my head high and the smear campaign eventually fizzled out. The truth has a way of working it's way out.

Mutt Link, thanks for sharing, because your story and will give me hope.  I think my words were not clear.  Let me clarify, What I was saying was that BPD/NPD tend to make up things to attack and accuse, and some of the accusations are very explosive in today's judicial system.  What I mean is that they will react first and sort it out later.  Basically, you are guilty until proven innocent.  And that will affect your kids and the entire family.  BPD/NPD has no filter and no boundary and so they will do things like that.  Ok, no doubt if we keep working the court system for a long time, the truth should surface… however, legal system is very expensive to be playing with.  BPD/NPD has no filter, knows no boundary and will keep going until all resources are drained.  That was the reason for my frustration and feeling hopelessness.  The point is that if you are the rational one, you will not want to play chicken with a NDP/BPD, because you probably won't win.  However in our judicial system, the one who wins the game of chicken usually gets his or her way.