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Author Topic: Any BPD relationship success stories?  (Read 1018 times)
Bak86
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« Reply #30 on: September 08, 2014, 03:58:17 PM »

I accept that but suggesting that the love some of us had our ex's was based on a hero complex is quite disgusting.

I guess I just don't see who is suggesting that.  I'm certainly not.  

I loved her and wanted to help her with her problems. I did it with the hope that they would go away so we could get on with our life together. I did not deserve to be treated like that. I did not deserve to be abandoned like that. She had no right to. I hate her for what she did and I always will. She'll come crawling back but there is no forgiveness for her here anymore and right now it's important for me that she understands that.

This is true of me as well, by in large.  The question I"ve been asking myself is: why, after it should have been clear pretty early on that I wouldn't be able to help her with her problems, did I continue trying?  

Here's an illustration: she told me at some point midway through the relationship that she had "PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder."  She was not using this as a term to mean PMS; she's a mental health professional and knew what she was saying.  If you look up any literature on PMDD, it all says that a characteristic of the disorder is that relationships tend to be chaotic and are frequently destroyed by the partner with PMDD.  I know that when I saw this, I thought I would be able to overcome it.  Why did I think that?  I'm not satisfied with "because I loved her," because I have loved other people before and know that love is not enough to overcome all difficulties.  I don't think I wanted to be a "hero," per se, but I did overestimate my abilities and ignored my instincts.  

just had a quick read about pmdd(never heard of it). sounds pretty much the same as borderline actually... .
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #31 on: September 08, 2014, 04:14:58 PM »

It is, and in reality I think it just represents a pwBPD becoming more dysregulated and using more immature defenses in the two weeks prior to the cycle. In my efforts to detach I've come to realize that she displays BPD behaviors at all times, but that these were so pronounced pre-menstrually that I ignored them at other times. I used to challenge myself on why I believed that her during the "good two weeks" was the "real her" and why the rest of the time I convinced myself it "wasn't really her." I knew this was silly, but I went with it anyway, which was one of my many mistakes.

The point, again: regardless of the reasons, the disorders, what have you that are present, I cannot have a functional relationship with this human being. And that's the most important thing to recognize.
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Rise
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« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2014, 06:07:55 PM »

She's then one who deserves the hate, not me.

Mr Hollande,

I really hope you know that nobody here is trying to attack you. I know it's a subtle difference, but admitting our roles in our relationships isn't the same thing as accepting the blame. Nobody here is trying to blame you for how things turned out, or say that there's something terribly wrong with you. It doesn't mean we deserved what happened. Nobody deserves to have their heart broken. Admitting our faults isn't a bad thing. It's what helps us grow stronger. In fact it's a sign of strength. And it doesn't have anything to do with focusing negative feelings upon you or anyone else. I just want to say I'm sorry if you've in any way felt like someone was trying to make you feel bad. Sometimes we challenge each other, because we are trying to help each other grow and heal and become stronger individuals, but it's never meant to hurt.

People can have a really knee-jerk reaction to some terms. Lord knows my knee couldn't have jerked more the first time someone suggested I may have codependent issues with my ex. It took a while, but I realized there was some truth behind it. And you know what, it's not a bad thing. I mean it's not a good thing to be codependent, but it doesn't mean there's something inherently wrong with me. It just means I developed an unhealthy relationship dynamic with someone. That's it. I'm not a bad, or weak person because of it. I made poor choices that led to me developing an unhealthy attachment to the wrong person. It's the same thing with the "white knight" or "rescuer" complex that gets discussed. Wanting to save someone isn't a bad thing. And it doesn't make someone a bad person. It's just a mistake that gets made. And human beings make mistakes. Recognizing those mistakes doesn't mean there is something wrong with us. But in denying them, and the roles we played in our relationships, we doom ourselves to keep making the same mistakes.

As to the original question, I think a lot of the conflict this topic brings up is rooted in the term "successful". What, by it's very definition, is a successful relationship? How do you judge what is or is not a successful relationship? Is a relationship successful if it ends after 30 years of marriage and multiple children? How long does a relationship have to last before it's considered successful? This is the problem with trying to attach a label to a relationship. It's success is really solely based on the wants and needs of the people in the relationship. So what we may consider a failure, may be perfectly acceptable to someone else. I think maybe it's more important to examine what we consider a successful relationship, and consider the reasons why we haven't been able to find one ourselves.

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Rise
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« Reply #33 on: September 08, 2014, 06:12:38 PM »

The point, again: regardless of the reasons, the disorders, what have you that are present, I cannot have a functional relationship with this human being. And that's the most important thing to recognize.

This could not be any more right to me. Thanks Back.
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Dutched
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« Reply #34 on: September 08, 2014, 07:04:38 PM »

I'm trying to imagine being a BPD sufferer with years of mistreating, betraying, using and abusing those near and dear and then one day becoming a so called normal human being with a so called normal way of relating to and understanding other peoples feelings. I'm trying to imagine how anyone who'd gone from so called crazy to so called normal would or could cope with the full understanding of the pain and devastation they have caused to good people who loved and trusted them. How would anyone live with that? Is that even possible? And how does that fit in with any so called success story?

Referring to an old topic about therapy for pwBPD, referring to HFBPD.

From my point of view there is partially a core self. But logically how can there be a total core when a child between 2-5 (where the core is moulded) is not given the care/love to develop that core?

I've learned that therapy for BPD attempts to remove the false self masks and let the inner child, who is a good person, begin the painful process of healing. By all accounts this is extremely difficult work.

I'm not sure I agree with this.  From what I've read, for higher functioning BPD's the emphasis is simply on coping skills.  Trying to break down everything in an older higher functioning BPD would probably cause a psychotic break precisely because there is no inner child to help find a stable base.

The techniques you describe are for BPD's in a severe state and highly likely to kill themselves anyways.

A decent therapist would never try the above with a high functioning pwBPD, because it could easily cause the patient to commit suicide.  And there's very little data on high functioning pwBPD finding their true sense of self.   

A professional from my local Group would also agree with that. I attended that Group a 3-4 yrs. before the break-up and wanted to know possibilities for her “healing”(as I was unknown at that time). The answer was a bit disillusional. Offering therapy in which her coping skils would be better developed, nothing more a rebuilding a total self would break the person beyond repair.

But he gave the advise ( as exBPDw refused to get help) to learn skills myself to canalize her behaviour for the stability of my family.

It is not my intention to offend any of you as we all come here to support each other after our r/s caused us so much pain.

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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
Witchway

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« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2014, 08:54:56 AM »

You and many others on this board were hurt by partners suffering form BPD and choosing not be in a relationship with a pwBPD because you couldn't handle it is perfectly legit but we should not go to the extent of dehumanization.

I disagree with not being able to 'handle' it. Can't talk for anyone else but in my case it was self-preservation. I am not in a relationship because I was NOT going to put up with the physical and mental abuse, which is something no-one should have to be subject to. I won't even go into the Gaslighting, what I will use as an example is the fact my ex spiked my drink... .he drugged me. Which is, in fact, the dehumanisation of myself by him. It was used as a form of manipulation to further his own ends - pure and simple. He seriously crossed a line - a big f**k off line. Total absence of any form of respect for me, my health, my boundaries, my everything.

And yes... .I couldn't handle it - the psychological reprecussions to myself (never mind the potential of serious physical harm). However lets not forget - What he did IS illegal, and, if reported, charged and found guilty, carries a prison sentence. There is no 'get out of Prison card' because he's a pwBPD. It is not acceptable and that is why we have laws to protect innocent victims against this abuse. 


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trappedinlove
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« Reply #36 on: September 09, 2014, 10:08:20 AM »

You and many others on this board were hurt by partners suffering form BPD and choosing not be in a relationship with a pwBPD because you couldn't handle it is perfectly legit but we should not go to the extent of dehumanization.

I disagree with not being able to 'handle' it. Can't talk for anyone else but in my case it was self-preservation. I am not in a relationship because I was NOT going to put up with the physical and mental abuse, which is something no-one should have to be subject to. I won't even go into the Gaslighting, what I will use as an example is the fact my ex spiked my drink... .he drugged me. Which is, in fact, the dehumanisation of myself by him. It was used as a form of manipulation to further his own ends - pure and simple. He seriously crossed a line - a big f**k off line. Total absence of any form of respect for me, my health, my boundaries, my everything.

And yes... .I couldn't handle it - the psychological reprecussions to myself (never mind the potential of serious physical harm). However lets not forget - What he did IS illegal, and, if reported, charged and found guilty, carries a prison sentence. There is no 'get out of Prison card' because he's a pwBPD. It is not acceptable and that is why we have laws to protect innocent victims against this abuse.  

On the spectrum of BPD symptoms physical and mental abuse like you've been through are indeed brutally crossing the line and definitely must not be tolerated, no doubt about it.  My heart is with you for having to go through this and I completely agree that this behavior is unacceptable.

I'm talking about milder cases that demonstrate relationship dynamics that do oscillate but are not abusive and can be tolerated and managed especially when the pwBPD is not triggered.  I believe that in this case, with therapy, self-awareness, good communication, a lot of love, trust and compassion, a couple can get through the hard times and maintain a successful relationship.  But it takes two for tango and the pwBPD must assume responsibility for their actions and take care of themselves while being open and communicate with their partner so their dysregulated emotions can be heard, understood, and validated even when they are unjust and have more to do with the pwBPD's psyche and FOO than objective reality.

That said, I wouldn't bet my money on it after the r/s imploded, and that's more relevant here on the leaving board.  Although i believe this is possible I'm careful not to be trapped in wishful thinking and fantasize about reconciliation.

Radically accepting reality is acknowledging that the r/s did not work out and we need to go our own way and rebuild ourselves.  The opportunity to learn and do things better now is actually encouraging!
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trappedinlove
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« Reply #37 on: September 09, 2014, 11:20:19 AM »

One example of a pwBPD that is truly working hard on herself is a girl named Haven from this blog: www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com

I find it very insightful to get to see her point of view since she is very self-aware and not caught up in cliches.

On this particular subject of the possibility of a successful relationship with a BPD I would recommend reading this post:

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2013/08/the-10-essential-limits-for.html

One quote that I find very important is the following one and I think it speaks for itself.

Excerpt
Two words: personal responsibility. These are two words that we as Borderlines don’t exercise nearly as often as we should… but we need to. Being emotionally volatile is not actually a justifiable excuse.

I’ve owned up to my bull___ and fortunately I’ve worked on my issues to the extent where I’m pretty much past all of the outbursts and out of control parts. It took time and a lot of inner reflection, self-awareness, and work but it’s completely possible. I am responsible for my actions and my emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my limits, and everyone has periods of justifiable emotional expression, but there are ways to do this that are constructive and not harmful.

Relationships take two, so in so far as you can be responsive to (not responsible for) your partners needs and concerns, take on what you feel you can… Borderline and Non alike. This is not exclusive to either.

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Witchway

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« Reply #38 on: September 09, 2014, 01:07:48 PM »

Yes some aspects of his behaviour were on the extreme side, but... .it's still the same behaviour, whether mild or extreme - If that makes sense? And this is where I struggle.

With me he dysregulated when he couldn't push my boundaries. He didn't like boundaries full-stop and I'm also not one to walk on eggshells, and will question things, especially if they don't 'feel' right (don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing).

He was with the ex before me for three years, although he was adamant it was 3 months. It did feel like he somehow felt shameful about past relationships (that's another story/thread).  The ex before that was 10 years, so he was able to maintain a long term relationship. However he would talk about broken windows, broken doors, vandalised motorbikes, etc. All her doing not his. When he 'pushed' my buttons I'd try and talk about / discuss it. If he rised his voice or we it got to the point where there was no way through his 'reality' I would walk away (usually my head was saying eh!). He once told me that my reactions (or lack of aggression) scared him. He wasn't used to this.

He drugged me because I wouldn't relax my boundary of NOT recycling. This time I would not let a past (again extreme) unacceptable behaviour go. Did he want to seriously harm me? No I don't think so. I think he wanted make me vulnerable and open to suggest and re-engage. It's really sad because I did genuinely love the guy. But... .he will not help himself. It is easier to play the victim.


P.S. All kudos to Haven.
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