Advice on actual split and best course of action moving forward.

[fred6]

I'm moving out over the next week or so and was going to just disappear and go NC. She's the type, as she puts it, "once I'm done with a guy, I have no use for him". So I don't think that I'll hear from her again unless I see her in public somewhere(probably with replacement). However, at this point I do not want a relationship with her, but I do want to leave the door open for her children and would like to try to remain civil and friendly with her in the future. Also, my new apartment is very small and I'll have to leave some things here until further notice.

Now, since I can't get through to her by talking to her because her BPD logic and temper totally destroys me. I was going to personally hand her a letter with her house key and a picture of me included. Then tell her I love her, say goodbye, leave and go NC. The letter would just sum up how I feel about her and tell her that I hope she gets some help for her personal issues. And if she ever needs input, someone to talk to, or someone just to listen, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to try and help her. Help would probably only be advice, listening to her, empathizing , and telling her to seek professional guidance.

To anyone reading this, if you were me and could do it over again and were moving out over the next week. Specifically, what would you do and how would you handle it? I start moving things in a day or two. On my last day here, I need to have a specific course of action and time frames of what to do. The last 6 weeks living here has drained me and I'm not sure how to handle the actual physical split and what to do moving forward.


   

[Mutt]

I don't think that there's a a right or wrong here fred6. I understand the caring nature of leaving a letter behind wanting her to get help. She needs to want to get help for herself. You are leaving for a reason.

She has a distorted belief system and her reality is as real to her as your is to you. Coupled with her defense mechanisms, she likely won't get help until she realizes that there's something inherently wrong. It depends how self aware that she is? Her fear of abandonment is going to be triggered - her trauma that she tries to escape.

My point is, it won't make a difference with the letter. I'm sorry. Write down  what you feel for closure for yourself but it won't be acknowledged in the context that you are anticipating

She has a 17 year old son and a 6 year old daughter.

How's your r/s with SD17? I'm sorry to say this SD6 may be very difficult if she is the primary caregiver. There's a very high chance she will block access. You know her better than anyone on the boards.

Does she alienate you now in the r/s with the kids? My ex alienated the kids in marriage and it was extremely difficult to get access after she left. I had to go to court. Be prepared for her to be very difficult post r/s. It's likely going to be a one way street.

[fred6]

I don't think that there's a a right or wrong here fred6. I understand the caring nature of leaving a letter behind wanting her to get help. She needs to want to get help for herself. You are leaving for a reason.

She has a distorted belief system and her reality is as real to her as your is to you. Coupled with her defense mechanisms, she likely won't get help until she realizes that there's something inherently wrong. It depends how self aware that she is? Her fear of abandonment is going to be triggered - her trauma that she tries to escape.

My point is, it won't make a difference with the letter. I'm sorry. Write down  what you feel for closure for yourself but it won't be acknowledged in the context that you are anticipating

She has a 17 year old son and a 6 year old daughter.

How's your r/s with SD17? I'm sorry to say this SD6 may be very difficult if she is the primary caregiver. There's a very high chance she will block access. You know her better than anyone on the boards.

Does she alienate you now in the r/s with the kids? My ex alienated the kids in marriage and it was extremely difficult to get access after she left. I had to go to court. Be prepared for her to be very difficult post r/s. It's likely going to be a one way street.

Yes, me and her 6 yo daughter have grown much closer in the past year or so. When mommy is acting off, the daughter seems to want me more than her. I almost get the feeling that has something to do with it. Almost like she's jealous or something.

One day my life seems like it's going pretty good and a month or so later, I'm losing everyone I love, I have to move out, my bills are more than doubling, and I have to go live in a sh|tty little prison cell of an apartment. I guess it could be worse, but from my point of view I don't see how. I can be at work doing ok, then the thought of her sleeping with replacement just pops into my head and my heart seems to flutter or skip a beat or something. It's weird how this works, one day I seem fine and the next day I'm at my breaking point and don't want to wake up the next day. I know that once I move out I'll just be thinking about where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing. Damn, I sure hope this gets better sometime soon.

[Mutt]

If you have a healthy r/s with someone it likely doesn't make her happy right?

Walking on eggshells day in and out is hard.The great Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep going".

I moved into a small apartment as well. I know how you feel but the tension, stress, anxiety and knots in my stomach are gone. I'm not walking into a landmine when I get home, it's calm, relaxing and mine. You can't put a price on your emotional health.

[fred6]

If you have a healthy r/s with someone it likely doesn't make her happy right?

Walking on eggshells day in and out is hard.The great Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep going".

I moved into a small apartment as well. I know how you feel but the tension, stress, anxiety and knots in my stomach are gone. I'm not walking into a landmine when I get home, it's calm, relaxing and mine. You can't put a price on your emotional health.

Whether she has BPD is anyone's guess. But there were warning signs. I can't say that I was that unhappy but at times I have thought about moving out on my own over the past year. A month before all of this happened I actually picked up an apartment guide at grocery store and put it in my glove box. She never knew I did this or found it. How ironic that a month later I find out that she's cheating on me. I think my gut knew something that I didn't or that I couldn't admit to myself. I know you are right about most of this and my head is just messing with me. How bad is the actual split when you actually left? I have a feeling that as bad as it is now that it's going to get worse, just in a different kind of way.

[Mutt]

If you have a healthy r/s with someone it likely doesn't make her happy right?

Walking on eggshells day in and out is hard.The great Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep going".

I moved into a small apartment as well. I know how you feel but the tension, stress, anxiety and knots in my stomach are gone. I'm not walking into a landmine when I get home, it's calm, relaxing and mine. You can't put a price on your emotional health.

Whether she has BPD is anyone's guess. But there were warning signs. I can't say that I was that unhappy but at times I have thought about moving out on my own over the past year. A month before all of this happened I actually picked up an apartment guide at grocery store and put it in my glove box. She never knew I did this or found it. How ironic that a month later I find out that she's cheating on me. I think my gut knew something that I didn't or that I couldn't admit to myself. I know you are right about most of this and my head is just messing with me. How bad is the actual split when you actually left? I have a feeling that as bad as it is now that it's going to get worse, just in a different kind of way.

Mine left me. I triggered her fear of abandonment by saying 4 words. "I want a divorce" I was split black right then and there. A new personality emerged that I had not dealt with before. I went through a smear campaign, all of it.

You have an advantage. She is pre-occupied with someone else. There's a chance that the new guy will keep the chaos away. The first step is the hardest. Are you 100% sure you want to leave?

[fred6]

If you have a healthy r/s with someone it likely doesn't make her happy right?

Walking on eggshells day in and out is hard.The great Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep going".

I moved into a small apartment as well. I know how you feel but the tension, stress, anxiety and knots in my stomach are gone. I'm not walking into a landmine when I get home, it's calm, relaxing and mine. You can't put a price on your emotional health.

Whether she has BPD is anyone's guess. But there were warning signs. I can't say that I was that unhappy but at times I have thought about moving out on my own over the past year. A month before all of this happened I actually picked up an apartment guide at grocery store and put it in my glove box. She never knew I did this or found it. How ironic that a month later I find out that she's cheating on me. I think my gut knew something that I didn't or that I couldn't admit to myself. I know you are right about most of this and my head is just messing with me. How bad is the actual split when you actually left? I have a feeling that as bad as it is now that it's going to get worse, just in a different kind of way.

Mine left me. I triggered her fear of abandonment by saying 4 words. "I want a divorce" I was split black right then and there. A new personality emerged that I had not dealt with before. I went through a smear campaign, all of it.

You have an advantage. She is pre-occupied with someone else. There's a chance that the new guy will keep the chaos away. The first step is the hardest. Are you 100% sure you want to leave?

Like I said, I don't know that she has BPD. She has been prescribed Zoloft for depression and she has anxiety. But I'm pretty sure that depression and anxiety don't cause the behavior that I've described in my previous threads. She quit her Zoloft cold turkey at the end of April, still has 2 bottles in the kitchen. I have read that if someone is co-morbid that quitting medication for one can cause more pronounced symptoms of other conditions. My non professional guess is that she has depression, anxiety, and low to mid level BPD who is high functioning. Quitting the depression medication triggered all of her conditions to get out of control. On the Zoloft she was kind of stable. She still was hard to deal with when confronted or during a discussion. The roller coaster was bearable and not too bad. Now off the medication, she is hard to deal with most of the time and it seems(to me)that she's getting worse as time goes on.

Now you ask if I'm 100% sure that I want to leave. Absolutely not, I do not want to leave. I want and have always wanted to try and work through this. However, I have been backed into a corner. I signed a 12 month lease on an apartment today. In in the past 7-8 weeks, she has cheated on me, broken up with me, told me to move out, acted like I might as well be dead or invisible, lied about it until confronted with evidence, and made me watch her get all made up several times to go spend the night with replacement while still living here and leaving her kids. All without the any shred of remorse. Her life just kept on going like nothing happened while I sat here like a plate of warm jello.

She still to this day says that:

"I am good to her"

"I take care of her"

"knows that I love her"

"she loves me"

"you have done nothing wrong to cause this"

"this has been the best relationship I've been in".

Also, "that sex means nothing to her and she could go the rest of her life without sex, and it wouldn't bother her at all".

So this is someone that is in the best relationship they have been in and that doesn't like sex. How could they ever even cheat? They are throwing away their best relationship over something that they don't like. It's not logical and doesn't make sense. These things don't add up.

Maybe she didn't like sex with "me" anymore because we were getting too close. Maybe she was trying to get that honeymoon period "fix" back. Maybe she really does like sex, but only with someone that she feels won't get too close to her so she won't get hurt or abandoned. Your guess is as good as mine. But there is something more than depression going on with her. Not to mention the rages, lack of empathy, and screwball behavior.

So, no I don't want to leave her, but she wants me gone and it seems that there is nothing that I can say or do to change that, but leave. I wouldn't be opposed to dating and seeing her like we did before I moved in with her. But not if she's seeing someone else at the same time and not if she doesn't at least try to get some serious help. Not to mention, she had my full trust, but now I don't know if I could trust her. Especially, if we're living 20 minutes apart. When I'm not with her, I'll always be wondering what she's doing and who she's with.

[Mutt]

I'm not a professional and can't diagnose. My ex has traits and I can't professionally diagnose her.  I can choose what types of toxic and emotionally abusive behaviors that I will allow on myself. I can put up boundaries on myself. If she does X I respond with Y. Having said that it's about behaviors, toxicity and that I can choose how I want people to treat me. It's not about a BPD diagnosis or to try to prove to others that she is BPD for me. I know what I experienced behind closed doors and I know my reality.

In in the past 7-8 weeks, she has cheated on me, broken up with me, told me to move out, acted like I might as well be dead or invisible, lied about it until confronted with evidence, and made me watch her get all made up several times to go spend the night with replacement while still living here and leaving her kids. All without the any shred of remorse. Her life just kept on going like nothing happened while I sat here like a plate of warm jello.

Your girlfriend triangulated you with another man. Did you set a boundary with her early in the r/s that if she cheats you will respond with Y? If she comes back to you after the r/s falls out with the other man, you are sending her the message that this is acceptable behavior to you. You were scared of how she is going to react if you leave her. She's with someone else now and she has you because she knows she can fall back on you if it doesn't work out. If you don't have a boundary, she will continue this type of behavior. My boundary is: the relationship is over if you cheat with another man. A r/s needs trust. If I can't trust my partner then what value is the r/s?

She still to this day says that:

"I am good to her"

"I take care of her"

"knows that I love her"

"she loves me"

"you have done nothing wrong to cause this"

"this has been the best relationship I've been in".

Do you know what splitting is? She sees the world in black or white and has difficulties seeing the grey areas in people or life. You are being idealized here. She is putting you on a pedestal because you are satisfying a need in that particular moment. A r/s where you are being idealized or devaluated is not a good one.

When I'm not with her, I'll always be wondering what she's doing and who she's with.

I'm really sorry it had to come to this in your r/s. There's a lot to learn here that you can carry forward in life. Huge lessons, boundaries, healthy behaviors, taking care of ourselves etc... .What do you want for you. What does taking care of your needs look like for you?

[fred6]

Your girlfriend triangulated you with another man. Did you set a boundary with her early in the r/s that if she cheats you will respond with Y? If she comes back to you after the r/s falls out with the other man, you are sending her the message that this is acceptable behavior to you. You were scared of how she is going to react if you leave her. She's with someone else now and she has you because she knows she can fall back on you if it doesn't work out. If you don't have a boundary, she will continue this behavior.

Well we talked about fidelity a few time in the past. I had told her that I had been cheated on once and I never want to experience that again. She said that she has never cheated but had been cheated on several time and knew how it felt and could never do that to someone and hurt them. She said she hated cheaters and her moto was "once a cheater always a cheater". If someone would have asked me a year ago if she would have cheated on me, I would have said, "not in a million years". Guess the joke is on me. She was so damn convincing about who and what she is, must come from years of practice on other victims.

Do you know what splitting is? She sees the world in black or white and has difficulties seeing the grey areas in people or life. You are being idealized here. She is putting you on a pedestal because you are satisfying a need in that particular moment. A r/s where you are being idealized or devaluated is not a good one.

No, she says those things are still true, after splitting from me.

I'm really sorry it had to come to this in your r/s. There's a lot to learn here that you can carry forward in life. Huge lessons. What do you want for you. What does taking care of your needs look like for you?

I want my life back, but you can't be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. It's that simple, I can't make her want me, I can't make her stop doing what she's doing, and I can't make her not have these issues. So therefore, what I want doesn't matter. I have but one choice to make.

Does this make any sense though? If someone is in the best relationship they have been in and they don't like sex. How is it even possible to cheat? They are throwing away their best relationship over something that they don't like. What do you think that is about?

[Mutt]

No, she says those things are still true, after splitting from me.

Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism when she is feeling anxiety and stress. Life is in the grey area, we are the sum of all of our parts, the good and the bad and we're somewhere in the middle. Your ex sees things as either all good or all bad.

When you are split white or being overvalued, she is fulfilled. When you are split white or being undervalued she is not feeling rewarded. She puts you on a pedestal and says all good things about you. On the flip side of that she knocks you off of that same pedestal and says all bad things about you. There's no middle ground here. Often you feel confused or walking on eggshells when you are being denigrating for things that are perceived in her subconscious mind. I hope that makes sense.

If she saying there is someone else in the picture it is because you are triangulated. It's like a pressure release valve at the moment, she is not coping in the primary relationship which is you. She is coping with a secondary relationship for now with the other man. You didn't trigger her fear of abandonment and that is likely why she is still idealizing you. She may leave you and be prepared for that.

Does this make any sense though? If someone is in the best relationship they have been in and they don't like sex. How is it even possible to cheat? They are throwing away their best relationship over something that they don't like. What do you think that is about?

Did she stop having sex with you? My wife stopped having sex 2 years before the end of the relationship because she was feeling engulfed. She projected her engulfment and said that I wasn't sexually interested in her anymore and said I was a homosexual in her smear campaign. It was distortion and not true because she was detaching.

It wasn't because of the sex, she is triggered by intimacy. She cannot sustain an interpersonal relationship, it is a part of the disorder. It's not that she thinks "once a cheater always a cheater" She has a distorted belief system, she is distorting. The push / pull behavior. This is in the context of BPD of course, if she is not being intimate she is feeling engulfed, the push behavior.

[fred6]

Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism when she is feeling anxiety and stress. Life is in the grey area, we are the sum of all of our parts, the good and the bad and we're somewhere in the middle. Your ex sees things as either all good or all bad.

When you are split white or being overvalued, she is fulfilled. When you are split white or being undervalued she is not feeling rewarded. She puts you on a pedestal and says all good things about you. On the flip side of that she knocks you off of that same pedestal and says all bad things about you. There's no middle ground here. Often you feel confused or walking on eggshells when you are being denigrating for things that are perceived in her subconscious mind. I hope that makes sense.

If she saying there is someone else in the picture it is because you are triangulated. It's like a pressure release valve at the moment, she is not coping in the primary relationship which is you. She is coping with a secondary relationship for now with the other man. You didn't trigger her fear of abandonment and that is likely why she is still idealizing you. She may leave you and be prepared for that.

Well, I've read all about splitting, but maybe I'll never understand or know what is really going on. She cheated, lied, broke up with me, and told me to move out. Now I've got an apartment, so in effect she has already left me. But she still says all the good things about me, it's the best relationship she's had, and that I've done nothing wrong. And even though she says all those good things about me are true, she's still with my replacement and her actions toward me have, in my opinion, been horrible. Makes no sense to me, unless she just got too close to me, freaked out, and ran to someone else.

Did she stop having sex with you? My wife stopped having sex 2 years before the end of the relationship because she was feeling engulfed. She projected her engulfment and said that I wasn't sexually interested in her anymore and said I was a homosexual in her smear campaign. It was distortion and not true because she was detaching.

It wasn't because of the sex, she is triggered by intimacy. She cannot sustain an interpersonal relationship, it is a part of the disorder. It's not that she thinks "once a cheater always a cheater" She has a distorted belief system, she is distorting. The push / pull behavior. This is in the context of BPD of course, if she is not being intimate she is feeling engulfed, the push behavior.

Well she told me that she has never cheated on anyone and wouldn't on me. Now, what are the odds that this is the first time she's cheated on someone? Much less me, the "best relationship she's been in"? I cannot believe that I'm the first person she's cheated on. But yet, she hates cheaters.

About half way through the 3 year relationship she started tapering off on sex and intimacy. We were down to 1 or 2 times a month when I caught her cheating 2 months ago. I tried to talk to her about it a long time ago when it started and she said that due to a prior BF raping her several times 20 years ago that, "sex means nothing to me" and "I could go the rest of my life without sex, and I wouldn't care". To me those statements mean that she doesn't like sex. But on the contrary, most of her recent relationships before me were short term physical relationships. Now, she cheats on me after cutting me off. I don't know if she actually likes sex or not. Her words say that she doesn't and her actions are that of a whore(it hurts me so bad to say that).

What's going to happen when she cuts off sex or intimacy with the new guy. He will either deal with it like me, bail on her, or cheat on her. That's of course if she doesn't cheat on him or dump him first because she's feeling suffocated.

[fred6]

Well, last night went OK. Been trying to be nice and friendly as possible as suggested by Christoff. Played with her daughter and joked around with her a little bit. She wasn't super friendly but she exchanged dialog with me. When the Ex went to bed and she said good night. About 10 minutes later I went into the bedroom to put on some shorts and to brush my teeth. On the way out I walked up to her bed and asked how she was doing and if everything was going OK for her. She said yes and I said ok and leaned down and gave her a 5 second hug and told her "good night, I love you" and walked out of the room. She didn't reply to "good night, I love you".

I had the day off work today and was already awake when she woke up. So I kind of asked her a bit about her new job and helped her get her daughter ready for school. Told her that her new skirt for work looked nice on her. And when she left I patted her on the back and said, "have a good day". And off she goes. No emotion at all. I have all of these feelings, emotions, and things that I want say and tell her. And she acts just like a blank piece of paper.

I have realized that through out this whole 3 year relationship, she has given just barely enough emotionally, intimately, and sexually to just keep around. Right now though, she really doesn't give anything and ignores me most of the time. However, there are 1 or 2 times a week that she acts a little friendly and playful. These sporadic moods only last for around 30 minutes or so. When this happens, my mind starts thinking that we can work things out and be happy again. Then I have to stop myself and to say, "What the fukc is wrong with me? I'm moving out soon, haven't I learned my lesson yet?  It's almost like I'm so starved for attention that I'll take any little scrap that she throws my direction. Is that her mild form of push/pull? Is that her very mild way of recycling? Just more odd behavior IMO.

As painful as it has been, the more I'm around this pwBPD, the more interesting it gets to me. I find myself trying to do different things to see her reactions. Trying to figure out what makes her tick.

On an off note, I was looking on her facebook to see a timeline of her different mood swings through her posts. She tends to post her feelings on FB for some reason. She's a FB junkie. And yes there are definite "good days" and "bad days". One odd thing that I did notice what that on July 29th 11pm she de-friended my replacement. Then a few hours later 3am she sent him a friend request. Also, back when I caught her cheating, there were 2-3 messages from my replacement saying things like: "are you not talking to me?" and "I guess you ain't talking to me anymore." Is she already going through a push/pull with this guy? Or maybe just felt kind of guilty and shameful within herself?

[Mutt]

My heart really goes out to you fred6. I recall the last few months and it was absolutely heartbreaking being at home. Knowing that ex was moving out at a set date. Trying to make sense of it all. It felt like I dissociated reality to cope with a painful period. I checked out.

Her moods change and cycle rapidly, sometimes several times a day. FB is a reflection of that. When are you moving out? Do you have a T to work through this? What is your support system like with friends and family? It is going to be difficult ahead, it is good to talk to someone. A sounding board, advice, guidance. Lean on friends and family.

[LettingGo14]

I have realized that through out this whole 3 year relationship, she has given just barely enough emotionally, intimately, and sexually to just keep around. Right now though, she really doesn't give anything and ignores me most of the time. However, there are 1 or 2 times a week that she acts a little friendly and playful. These sporadic moods only last for around 30 minutes or so. When this happens, my mind starts thinking that we can work things out and be happy again. Then I have to stop myself and to say, "What the fukc is wrong with me? I'm moving out soon, haven't I learned my lesson yet?  It's almost like I'm so starved for attention that I'll take any little scrap that she throws my direction. Is that her mild form of push/pull? Is that her very mild way of recycling? Just more odd behavior IMO.

Fred6 - I can tell you have given this a lot of thought, and you've been very thoughtful on how to proceed.   I can remember wondering "what if... ." and trying to figure out why, why, why things happened. 

Truly, you are looking to care for yourself, and at this time, you do need to define your own needs (for sanity, safety, and health) and make decisions to meet your needs.   

As painful as it has been, the more I'm around this pwBPD, the more interesting it gets to me. I find myself trying to do different things to see her reactions. Trying to figure out what makes her tick.

On an off note, I was looking on her facebook to see a timeline of her different mood swings through her posts. She tends to post her feelings on FB for some reason. She's a FB junkie. And yes there are definite "good days" and "bad days". One odd thing that I did notice what that on July 29th 11pm she de-friended my replacement. Then a few hours later 3am she sent him a friend request. Also, back when I caught her cheating, there were 2-3 messages from my replacement saying things like: "are you not talking to me?" and "I guess you ain't talking to me anymore." Is she already going through a push/pull with this guy? Or maybe just felt kind of guilty and shameful within herself?

I used to ask "why" about everything.  But "why" kept me stuck, because nothing was "rational."   Instead, I started thinking rationally about me -- and me alone.   I know it's hard, if not nearly impossible, but it's the way through the pain.   My ex-girlfriend was a rubik's cube I tired of trying to figure out.

[fred6]

My heart really goes out to you fred6. I recall the last few months and it was absolutely heartbreaking being at home. Knowing that ex was moving out at a set date. Trying to make sense of it all. It felt like I dissociated reality to cope with a painful period. I checked out.

Her moods change and cycle rapidly, sometimes several times a day. FB is a reflection of that. When are you moving out? Do you have a T to work through this? What is your support system like with friends and family? It is going to be difficult ahead, it is good to talk to someone. A sounding board, advice, guidance. Lean on friends and family.

I'm in the process of slowly moving my things to my depressing new apartment. I have to buy new furniture and a washer and dryer and my ex wife and her husband have a truck and a trailer to help move those things. I kind of feel bad that they feel sorry for me. I'll probably be totally out of here in about a week, maybe by the weekend after this one.

No, I don't have a T to talk to due to money issues. My ex quit her job in April and I've been spending more around here than normal for 4-5 months. I kind of wish she split from me back when she quit her job, at least I would have more money available. Seems like she purged her job, some long time friends, and our relationship in the past 4-5 months. I don't have many friends or family to talk to, but I talk to my parents, my ex wife and my 16yo daughter.

My anger, confusion, and sadness/depression kind cycle like my exBPD several times a day, that's why I think I have a problem. I find it helps somewhat to talk about it, but when my I'm depressed and emotional people tell me that I'm fine, it's going to be ok, and to stop having a pity party. I know they are trying to help, but I feel so invalidated. They don't know what this is like for me. I'm a 42 year old man that has been through my share of break ups and a divorce from someone that I was with for 15 years. None of them were pleasant, but this is the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my life. Not just relationship wise, IN MY LIFE.

The cheating, the lying, the relationship ending, and me having to leave. I totally get it, I understand, these things happen to many people everyday all over the world. It's not pleasant but it's life. Why after 3 good years am I all of a sudden not loved anymore, discarded like yesterdays trash? Why all of the ugliness and bad treatment?  I don't expect sex or intimacy at this point and I know it's over and I'm leaving. But after all of the good times and "I love yous" exchanged, why can this person not at least act like she cares about me? I asked her about this and the best she can muster is, "I do love you, I don't want anything bad to happen to you". I told her that I don't want anything bad to happen to the garbage man, but that doesn't mean that I love him. I wish just for 5 minutes that she could feel for me what I feel for her, she might then understand what love is. I know she has some kind of problem, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. And as bad as I feel, I still worry about her and her kids future so much.

[Mutt]

My anger, confusion, and sadness/depression kind cycle like my exBPD several times a day, that's why I think I have a problem. I find it helps somewhat to talk about it, but when my I'm depressed and emotional people tell me that I'm fine, it's going to be ok, and to stop having a pity party. I know they are trying to help, but I feel so invalidated. They don't know what this is like for me. I'm a 42 year old man that has been through my share of break ups and a divorce from someone that I was with for 15 years. None of them were pleasant, but this is the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my life. Not just relationship wise, IN MY LIFE.

I understand this fred6. I'm 40 and the break-up was the most difficult period of my life. My friends and family didn't understand and invalidated.

It's invalidating when people tell you to stop having a pity party. The recipe is not that simple. There's no magic pill here. This pain is real, it's deep, it's tough.  I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I understand things are financially difficult for you. I'm happy that you have found us. It's internet group therapy. We're here to support and listen to each other. My ex did the same, I didn't have money because she maxed everything and cleaned out our savings. I share a similar experience.

You can get through this brother. Fallback on these boards. It's going to take time to grieve, heal and understand. I understand it hurts when she cannot give you a reasonable, logical answer and it invalidates the love that you have for her. It's painful. You have a right to feel angry and confused. Work through your anger. She copes differently than you. Can you accept that for now? It will take time to figure out your emotions and what happened and why.

I understand that there's not much time left. There should be something that will help you with leaving a partner with a PD.

I understand that you are going through a lot emotionally, you are feeling many emotions throughout the day. I can relate. Do you think that you can make it through the week until you leave? Do you feel that you feel this way because you are going through a life event right now? It's normal to feel this way.

[fred6]

Fred6 - I can tell you have given this a lot of thought, and you've been very thoughtful on how to proceed.   I can remember wondering "what if... ." and trying to figure out why, why, why things happened. 

Truly, you are looking to care for yourself, and at this time, you do need to define your own needs (for sanity, safety, and health) and make decisions to meet your needs.   

I used to ask "why" about everything.  But "why" kept me stuck, because nothing was "rational."   Instead, I started thinking rationally about me -- and me alone.   I know it's hard, if not nearly impossible, but it's the way through the pain.   My ex-girlfriend was a rubik's cube I tired of trying to figure out.

Yes, it's the why, why, why. Why am I losing everyone in my life I love? Why did she take her love from me? Was any of this real, did she ever really love me? Why am I not good enough? Why do I have to go live in a crappy little apartment all alone? Why do my bills have to more than double? Why don't I matter anymore to someone that I love with all my heart?

Every time I have tried to talk to her about her actions toward me, she makes comments like, "when people break up they just go away", "It's not normal for people to sleep in the same bed if their not together", and "Once you break up you shouldn't have to deal with them anymore, IT'S OVER". I have asked many people I know and most of them say that those statements aren't accurate. Several people I know say that they slept in the same bed, still had sex, and lived life normally until their divorce papers were finalized. Then they moved on and remained friends. It seems anytime I try to talk about anything related to us trying for closure or end things on good terms, it triggers some kind of defense mechanism or anger where she says really hurtful things. But yet this has one of her best relationships and I have done nothing wrong. I kind of feel like I'm bothering you guys with all of this.

[fred6]

I understand this fred6. I'm 40 and the break-up was the most difficult period of my life. My friends and family didn't understand and invalidated.

It's invalidating when people tell you to stop having a pity party. The recipe is not that simple. There's no magic pill here. This pain is real, it's deep, it's tough.  I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I understand things are financially difficult for you. I'm happy that you have found us. It's internet group therapy. We're here to support and listen to each other. My ex did the same, I didn't have money because she maxed everything and cleaned out our savings. I share a similar experience.

You can get through this brother. Fallback on these boards. It's going to take time to grieve, heal and understand. I understand it hurts when she cannot give you a reasonable, logical answer and it invalidates the love that you have for her. It's painful. You have a right to feel angry and confused. Work through your anger. She copes differently than you. Can you accept that for now? It will take time to figure out your emotions and what happened and why.

Yes, aside from the good people here. Everyone I talk to say things like, "just leave", "she's messing with your head", "Just don't get depressed/keep your chin up". While talking to people does help, they seem to have no clue as to the extent of what has happened or how I feel.

In an ironic twist, during many previous conversations in this 3 years with ex about her past abuses and how she deals with these things. I would tell her that I didn't understand why she acted and felt the way she did. Her reply in a frustrated tone was always, "I know you don't understand, and you never will". It's just kind of ironic that I think the same thing when people tell me to stop having a pity party and to keep my head up. "THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND". Hell, I don't even think my ex understands or even cares what I'm going through.

I understand that there's not much time left. There should be something that will help you with leaving a partner with a PD.

I have already read that link about leaving a partner with BPD. It makes me feel like I'm the one that's crazy and has BPD. Most of the stuff that the article is telling the Non BP to do is what she is actually doing to me. The only difference is that I live in her house and I'm the one leaving.

I understand that you are going through a lot emotionally, you are feeling many emotions throughout the day. I can relate. Do you think that you can make it through the week until you leave? Do you feel that you feel this way because you are going through a life event right now? It's normal to feel this way.

Yes, I will make it through the week. I guess I would call this a life event, sometimes I tell myself that I don't want to wake up in the morning and face any of this anymore. I know that I won't hurt myself or anything like that, but is it normal to feel like that? I know that some people would just leave her and move on in life. Why can't I just give this person up and move on? Why are my feelings so strong for her?

On the investigative side of things. It seems she sometimes mirrors my mood swings to some extent. No affection or anything meaningful though.

[Mutt]

Yes, aside from the good people here. Everyone I talk to say things like, "just leave", "she's messing with your head", "Just don't get depressed/keep your chin up". While talking to people does help, they seem to have no clue as to the extent of what has happened or how I feel.

If there was one thing that didn't help me it was that sort of advice. It hurts to think about it. We're talking about a disorder and the acting out is behind closed doors. If you explain this to someone that doesn't understand, is close-minded or wasn't in a relationship with a personality disordered person, they will look at this in a logical fashion and their own belief system. Your gf's belief system is entirely different and you might of had people say "Well you must of done something wrong fred6?" It doesn't work that way with a mental illness.

You are asking a lot of why's right now. It's understandable being confused and feeling a little crazy from all of this. The heart needs time to catch up to your head. This takes time. These boards aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

Hell, I don't even think my ex understands or even cares what I'm going through.

She has her own struggles with her own emotions in regards to your relationship together.  As much as she wants to try fred6, she can't meet you halfway on this right now. This hurts her as well but she displays and copes differently than you. Not everyone has the same personality and some people are different and deal with things different. Do you think that you can find it in you to give her a bit of a break? She's a person with emotions and feelings like you. She's simply wired differently.

It makes me feel like I'm the one that's crazy and has BPD.

I felt the exact same. This shall pass.

Why can't I just give this person up and move on? Why are my feelings so strong for her?

Because you love her. Because you gave it your all, and if you only tried harder you can fix it. Please feel free fred6 and tell me if am wrong or add more if you wish.

On the investigative side of things. It seems she sometimes mirrors my mood swings to some extent. No affection or anything meaningful though.

On the flip side, you are feeling what she feels sometimes too? I felt angry and resentful when my wife had those emotions.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I can relate to this so much.  When a mutual friend found out my exBPD left me he was shocked.  He thought we seemed so happy together.  On the surface and in public we were.  No one saw or heard of what went on at home.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.  The kind of passive abuse I endured was stealthy and it takes time to accept it even occured and more time to deprogram myself.

  I was all in on the r/s.  She was too but she is ill.  It was not 50/50.  Shd simply is not capable of putting out at the same level as a non.  BPD might be the worst PD there is.  It can be subtle.  I don't even think it is malicious, it merely it the product of a deeply scarred mind.  Most people I know in the real world have no idea.  Only in places like this board do I find others who understand.  I think a madness of this type has to be witnessed.  It is too complex for people to get without living it.  Even those of us that lived it end up here trying to untangle our minds.

[fred6]

I can relate to this so much.  When a mutual friend found out my exBPD left me he was shocked.  He thought we seemed so happy together.  On the surface and in public we were.  No one saw or heard of what went on at home.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.  The kind of passive abuse I endured was stealthy and it takes time to accept it even occured and more time to deprogram myself.

  I was all in on the r/s.  She was too but she is ill.  It was not 50/50.  Shd simply is not capable of putting out at the same level as a non.  BPD might be the worst PD there is.  It can be subtle.  I don't even think it is malicious, it merely it the product of a deeply scarred mind.  Most people I know in the real world have no idea.  Only in places like this board do I find others who understand.  I think a madness of this type has to be witnessed.  It is too complex for people to get without living it.  Even those of us that lived it end up here trying to untangle our minds.

Hey RS, how have you been doing? Hopefully better than me, . Anyhow, I agree with everything you said. I don't even think my Ex's parents know the extent of her issues. You have to live and be around the person full time to see what's going on. Unless you live with the person full time, they probably won't rage, get nutty, or get out of control with you.

[fred6]

She has her own struggles with her own emotions in regards to your relationship together.  As much as she wants to try fred6, she can't meet you halfway on this right now. This hurts her as well but she displays and copes differently than you. Not everyone has the same personality and some people are different and deal with things different. Do you think that you can find it in you to give her a bit of a break? She's a person with emotions and feelings like you. She's simply wired differently.

I really have given her a break. Even though I'm mad and angry, it's not really directed toward her. Just so very disappointed with her behavior even though I know that she's sick. I have never really lost my temper with her, called her names, or said hurtful things. I cannot say the same for her, she has done all of those, especially lately. Even through all the cheating, lying, and psychological warfare that she's done. I told her that since I truly love her that I forgive her. Her reply in her dismissive disgusted tone, "I didn't ask you to forgive me". It's kind of F'd up and very hurtful to tell someone that when they are only trying to forgive you for doing horrible things to them.

I've been taking Christoff's advice and being nice and friendly as possible. The mood has been a little lighter, but still not good. I've been told not to tell these people that you love them because it shows weakness. However, I don't see what it can hurt at this point. I mean, I've already lost everyone and am in the process of being removed from their lived. I make it a point to hug her and tell her that I love her every night when she goes to bed and when I leave for work early in the morning. She doesn't even look at me or say a word when I do this. My only goal in doing this is to give her and myself positive reinforcement of my feelings for her. I would be on the staying board if she was showing any positive signs toward me or our relationship. But I have been pushed into a corner and I have no other alternative but to leave the people I love for some reason unknown to me.

Because you love her. Because you gave it your all, and if you only tried harder you can fix it. Please feel free fred6 and tell me if am wrong or add more if you wish.

She doesn't know how to love like most people. I know she loves her children and family, but a romantic type love is totally different. I wish she could feel what I feel for just 5 minutes. It makes me so very sad that she'll never experience love or live the happy life that she deserves to live. I can't fix this, but I can help. However, she has to take that first step. Regardless of our relationship status or things that have been said or done. I will be there to support her as long as she is making a real effort to fix her issues. And at the present time, it seems like she doesn't care at all. Therefore, I must disappear.

[myself]

When someone pushes you away due to their own intimacy issues, pulling in closer to them usually just drives them farther away. You can have the best intentions, but if they're not having it, they're not having it. It may seem harsh (and often is), but it's in the nature of this disorder. Please (re-)read https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality It could help with much of what you're going through. Help clear the FOG. 'bpdfamily.com' is really key here.

[fred6]

When someone pushes you away due to their own intimacy issues, pulling in closer to them usually just drives them farther away. You can have the best intentions, but if they're not having it, they're not having it. It may seem harsh (and often is), but it's in the nature of this disorder. Please (re-)read https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality It could help with much of what you're going through. Help clear the FOG. 'bpdfamily.com' is really key here.

Thanks myself, I did re-read the link you provided. At this point, it's over and she can't pull away anymore than she already has. I know that that I'll probably never see or hear from her or her kids ever again. That's is choice that she'll have to make, and it looks like she's already made it. I don't really discuss things anymore or try to fix the relationship. Like I said, I'll just make it a point to hug her and tell her that I love her every day until I leave, I have no expectations of this changing or fixing anything. I do it as much for me as I do for her, but she doesn't reciprocate, which hurts. It may even irritate her somewhat, but I still think that it's the right thing to do. I'll be gone soon anyhow, so I don't really think it matters either way, but at least I'm doing what I think is the right thing. I'll have a talk with her one time right before I leave and try to get some answers to some questions for closure. If I get those answers, good. If not, it was worth a try.  I'll have plenty of time to second guess myself when I get to my little prison cell apartment, ... .

[fred6]

Was an interesting 24 hrs. Last night I had to run a few errands and picked up some beer and pizza on the way home. She ate a couple pieces of pizza and had a beer with me and we talked about how her new job was going for her. Then gave her a hug and a peck on the lips and told her, "good night, I love you".

So this morning I went with her and her daughter to cheerleading. Then we went to lunch. I went to the bathroom and came back and she said that she ordered me an unsweet tea. I said jokingly, "that's because you love me" and she said, "yeah right" in a kind of pissed off tone. I then told her, "It's ok, I know you do" and she said "don't go there".

When we were leaving the restaurant, she got me a mint at the cash register, and while walking out the door I kissed her on the back of the head and said "that's why I love you". Again, in a pissed off tone, "You need to stop". I asked her, "stop what?" and she replied, "stop showing me any affection". I then told her that, "I will stop showing you affection, but why? She couldn't answer, "Why", all she would say is, "you just need to stop". By this time we were driving down the road and she starts driving crazy. Again, I said that I would "stop showing affection", but I told her that she didn't give me a reason as to "why" I should stop. She then said, "because we're not together" and I asked if I "should stop loving her just because we're not together? I know our relationship is over, but I will always love you". She then started raging and going "nutty" and said, "when are you moving out, I'm so ready for you to be gone". I said that everything was going to be ok, please calm down. She said that she would calm down when she got away from me. The whole time I kept my composure and remained calm in a quiet monotone voice.

When we got home, I said that, "I know I made you mad, but I don't know how. I'm sorry I made you mad". About 10 minutes later, I told her, "thank you for letting me spend some time with you today. Any time I get with you is always appreciated, you are an awesome person. You can always count on me if you need me". Then I just left.

So she was definitely pushing me away. She looked like she was going to cry when she started raging, but she held it back like a pro. I do think she's going through a lot. And as much as she has put me through in the past 2 months, I can't help but to feel sorry for her. I never thought loving someone could make that person so sad and angry. I hate to see her like this. She seems to think that if to people "aren't together" then they should show no emotions or feelings toward one another. Seems like black and white thinking to me. It was so hard, but today I held my composure together much better than in the past, but this is killing me on the inside.     

[fred6]

So after my last post this afternoon, I went and spent $2000 dollars on a washer and dryer, bedroom furniture, and a mattress set. My Ex-wife and her husband helped me get it up the stairs since I have a second floor apartment.

I guess she's with replacement tonight. When I was driving home, I passed my exBPD driving the other direction. She was driving kind of fast. When I got home I texted her and said, "should I expect anyone to come home tonight. She replied, "NO". To which I replied, "Ok, have a good night. Love you!". She told me to stop showing her affection, and I will. Is telling or texting someone you love them considered "showing affection"? I won't attempt to hug or kiss her anymore. If I feel like I need a hug, I will ask permission first. I can't even believe that I typed the last sentence and how petty things have become. But if she doesn't want me touching her, I won't touch her. I will however, tell her I love her whenever I feel like it. She will not control what I say or feel.

I'll go tomorrow and assemble my furniture while she's at church and should be able to leave soon. Although, I may be back a few times over the next week or two to get most of my things over the next that I haven't packed and moved. Gonna be an adjustment going back to living alone and sleeping in a new place, probably gonna be tough for a while.

On a good note, my ex wifes husband offered me a job that would increase my income a good bit. It won't start until mid October. I told him to give me a week or so to let me get moved and settled in and I would be back to talk to him about it. I am hesitant though, leaving an 8 year job to go to something new is kind of scary. Even though my current job barely pays the bills. I've always heard that you shouldn't make big decisions when going through a traumatic event, and exBPD is a traumatic event of epic proportions. Well, at least to me it is. I could be being overly dramatic. But this is the worst thing that I've ever been through in my life.