God's purpose for BPDs? (Christian discussion)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I pray deeply about my marriage, I always get the feeling that God is telling me to, "Let her go."

Would God ask us to leave our marriage?

[workinprogress]

When I pray deeply about my marriage, I always get the feeling that God is telling me to, "Let her go."

Would God ask us to leave our marriage?

[Hopeless777]

When I pray deeply about my marriage, I always get the feeling that God is telling me to, "Let her go."

Would God ask us to leave our marriage?

"Let her go" means to recognize you have no say in what she is doing, thinking. God gives everyone free will to act as they choose to act. God doesn't want divorce, but He also cannot force people to be what they refuse to be. God calls us to peace.

[ajr5679]

when I was in the middle of my hell. I remember praying to God to help me understand why I was in the shower in the mental hospital with a broken ankle, bruised ribs and zero ego left.  and then I realized it was me trying to control everything about my life and I was not asking for help. I thought I was god and I could heal her son and if I healed him then maybe my partner would love me and would quit running from are family.  I really believe that I needed to go through my hell to realize  that the problem was me thinking that I could enable him and her and I could control the out come. that it was really me that allowed her to abuse me and it was me that allowed her son to mentally/physically abuse me.

I feel that they have the same chooses to trust a high power and I allowed God to show us what real love is suppose to look like. when I allow god to control my life my life is great and I am at peace  when I try to control my life and every one else lives around me it get all crazy.

[mywifecrazy]

Simply put I believe a pwBPD purpose in life is the same as everyone else's purpose and that is to seek for a relationship with God through a relationship with Jesus Christ. To seek that relationship and have that as their #1 desire in life.

pwBPD are not mindless robots. They have a free will like everyone else. They are responsible for their actions (not to minimize their disorder mind you). They like everyone else are Gods children and he offers them the same grace and love  that her offers us. Grace=undeserved forgiveness. I am struggling with this mightily as I have tons of anger towards her for what she's done and is doing to me and our sons.

My favorite verse is: And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 ESV) Doesn't mean God make bad things happen but rather he will help us through these bad times of we just seek him in our lives.  someone mentioned Let go let God. I've learned to do this as my 18yr marriage to my uBPDxw fell apart. I have been blessed beyond measure during the most painful time in my life because I've finally learned to Accept the things I can not change, change the things I can ( me) and the wisdom to know the difference. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Again my uBPDxw's purpose in life is not about me but it's about her and her relationship with God. I actually was able to experience Gods true grace and peace for the first time in my life when I threw my hands up in prayer and let her go and stopped worrying about her. I only hope she can do that for herself... .I leave that between her and God!

PS. Sorry for rambling. I love this topic and will have more to post hopefully with more coherent thoughts... .

MWC... .

[christoff522]

When I was struggling with being discarded, I remember one day watching the latest sermon (live) from elevation church. The sermon was called 'move on'. The preacher actually talked about a 'crazy girl' from when he was younger and how it was one of his hardest relationships he'd ever been in. I feel then that God was telling me to 'move on'.

Now whether God wants me to excise her from my life is another matter. But I feel that God wants me to move on from the emotional entanglements I had in my first encounter.

A couple weeks ago, there was another sermon, the Pastor talked about burying our hurt (using Jacob burying Rachel as an example) and building a memorial and MOVING ON. Every time I hear this preached it's like I feel God speaks to me.

It's definitely inspired me to grow as a human being, God wants me to love, but he wants me to love from a point of much to give instead of needing much. If I come from a need rather from an abundance, I will feel that any girl I am with completes me, instead of being complete myself, Literally, when we are in need of a person, we're not better than a pwBPD. For example

For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath.

Why is this the case? Because when you use people for validation and supply, you're viewing them as objects, you're coveting something. But if God completes you, or you complete yourself... then no BPD on this earth can get to you.

[thereishope]

As you said, there are many unseen things going on.  

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."

Yes.  This is key.

[thereishope]

Great discussion. I'll just leave my signature below as my comment.

That's a beautiful statement.

It may not be possible to share our lives with BPD's and follow God.  BPD's expect to be #1.  They are jealous of anything having more importance than them. 

I think this is what it is coming down to for me.  It is an IDOL.  There is to be ONE Mediator between God and man, and that is Jesus Christ ONLY.  I am realizing uBPDh has been controlling all of my life, and that is God/the Holy Spirit's job, and HIS ALONE.  Is it right for me to allow anyone or anything else to be in that position?  I have to believe the answer is NO.

Also another thing that is striking me is that God says, "There is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1), and uBPDh very frequently condemns me with looks, rolling his eyes, scowls, words, "suggestions" on how I can do almost everything better, etc... .and this has been a large oppressing hindrance in my spirit as well... .

[thereishope]

I am reminded of a point I heard some time ago, that the Bible was not written to be a Science book but that when it touched on scientific matters, it was, in general terms, rather accurate.

Genesis 1 - The account of the creative days is in general agreement with the order the scientists say life (plants and animals) developed on the earth.

Job 26:7 - "He stretches out the northern sky over empty space, Suspending the earth upon nothing" - this clear observation is in contrast to the myths and stories of, for example, a giant turtle and giant elephant supporting the earth.

So why did I make that point above?  That what many think of God's Purpose may not be what He sees as His Purpose.  His purpose was simply stated in Genesis, for the earth to be filled with perfect and well behaved offspring.  No specific time frame was given, but it seems evident that it was to occur during the 7th creative day, a day or period of unspecified length.  Well, he was not one to be sabotaged by traitorous Satan (chapter 3*), he made the prophecy that in time he and those with him would be vanquished by the Seed.  More information was revealed over the centuries and that person was the Messiah or Christ.  He would rule through God's Kingdom and restore mankind to perfection (by replacing failed Adam as mankind's adoptive father) and make the earth a paradise as it was intended.

* Satan didn't challenge God's power, rather he challenged God's sovereignty or right to guide men.  Clearly this was the first instance of rebellion and so God has allowed time to for the issue to be settled.

Clearly, God has a purpose or End Goal but the details - how we all get there - were left a bit vague down through history.  But it is clear that those on earth here who are ill, whether physically or mentally, were not intended to be so and not by God's actions, it was a consequence of man's imperfections and accumulating issues.

When I lived in Brooklyn NYC I recall when boys wandered after hours through Prospect Park Zoo and one was mauled to death by a bear, I think it was the incident on 19 May 1987.  It was a terrible tragedy.  I recall a newspaper reporting that when a clergyman said God wanted the boy in heaven that one of the family friends disagreed, saying God would not do that to a child, that is was just an accident.

My point is similar, people with BPD, NPD, whatever PD or some other mental affliction are ill, we're all imperfect, life happens, some of us have physical issues, mental issues, or a combination.  It's not God doing this to people.  When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone. - James 1:13

Reading a Purpose into why people suffer can get us into speculations that can divert us from keeping things relatively simple and logical.  Yes, we can learn from our adversities, hopefully if we have had pwBPD, etc in our lives, we've learned skills and qualities despite our suffering.  But we can't put words in God's mouth, that he is causing it.

So I don't believe God did this to pwBPD for us to learn.  No, I view all of us as imperfect people who have varying levels of dysfunction, sometimes influenced negatively by abusers, enabled by living in a world of hard knocks, some choosing to make something good of their lot in life, some choosing to continue to behave poorly and and some who initially behave poorly but choose to change and work on their issues.

My ex is, I suspect, co-morbid with Borderline and Paranoid.  Much of it due to a poor childhood.  But as an adult she needs to take responsibility for her choices and actions and sometimes even face consequences.  I can't change her, if I could have I wouldn't be divorced.  I've seen a phrase here, Let Go and Let God.  That's what I've done, I handle what I can with my own life and responsibilities and have left the matter about her in God's hands.

By seeing things this way I can have hope that some day things really will be better, that "the meek will inherit the earth".  I don't know how much of this resonates with you, I leave that for you to contemplate, but I see this as a reasonable perspective.

I agree with you very much.

We are ALL fighting a spiritual battle out here... .where we have an enemy seeking whom he can devour, and where we ALL battle the world the flesh and the devil everyday... .

BUT... .we can TRUST GOD knows and ultimately has all of this in His hands... .

Romans 8:28 is a verse I must run to regularly, when my human mind wants to "figure it all out"... ."And we know that for those who love God ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD, for those who are called according to His purpose."

"For who has known the mind of the LORD, or who has been His counselor?... .For FROM HIM and THROUGH HIM, and TO HIM are all things.  To Him be glory forever."

[thereishope]

Great discussion. I'll just leave my signature below as my comment.

That's a beautiful statement.

It may not be possible to share our lives with BPD's and follow God.  BPD's expect to be #1.  They are jealous of anything having more importance than them. 

Yes you are so correct WorkInProgress. If I made any error it was putting my relationship with her before my relationship with God. 40 years in the wilderness is a long time before you come home.

Amen!  Ditto.

[thereishope]

Thank you for this topic.

The purpose of the experience i had with  my ex was certainly to wake me up so that I could face my defects, ancient wounds and negative patterns. I was forced to change because of the terrible pain I was in. With this, I have been humbled and grown through the pain to a point where today I stand in my own power more than ever before.

As for God's purpose for her, I am not sure and tbh I don't think it's my business. In fact, this was a huge part of the toxic dynamic we had. I was taking care of her in many ways for too long, caught up and enmeshed in her complex path. In fairness, she is a searching soul and has tried more spiritual paths than anyone I know. Deep down in her there is a soul that wants peace and love. From my angle, the darkness in her always overtakes the light and that must be a dreadful way to live. The problem is that her darkness engulfed and hurt me deeply and I had to extract myself from this permanently. I had to walk away, stay away and leave her to find her way without me.It's up to her and her higher power now.

I can relate with this as well... .This experience has been the hardest of my life, and has DEFINITELY brought out my own faults so that I see them MUCH MORE CLEARLY, and now I have to deal with them... .and I'm glad about that.  I also have been greatly humbled by the experience, and am going to be empowered to stand in more strength on the other side of this, as well.

[thereishope]

Thank you for the topic and all the great posts.  From my faith tradition, one of goals of marriage is to help each other progress towards holiness.  Certainly, marrying someone with BPD gives us plenty of opportunities to practice forbearance, forgiveness, and self-sacrifice, and self control.  So in that respect, my 25 years of marriage have been a good teaching tool, too good I should think.

The challenge is that once you see BPD for what it is, you necessarily need to detach.  Whether you detach via divorce or stay married with new boundaries, the detachment needs to happen without bitterness or resentment.  That is hard for me to do and I look on our Lord for strength in this area.

One other thought I often have is that God is using to break this cycle from generation to generation.  I can see now the family dysfunction in my wife's grandparents and her parent's families.  I pray that God lights my path to raise my kids so that they will have healthy relationships.

I agree with this... .and I recognize this cycle too, and this is my prayer for God to help me raise my children in a much healthier way as well. Thank you for sharing.

[thereishope]

Don't be sorry for the long post whatathing. I, too, have come to the same conclusion. There are so many great promises in God's word. But the ironic thing is that so many believer's lives never turned out the way they planned or hoped. I used to hate that "Let Go Let God" bumper sticker... .now it's engrained in my soul. I just hope I make it through the sheer agony of an unwanted divorce.

True, don't apologize, whatathing... .you've put to words many of our feelings, for sure!  I have learned the same things through this experience, and Hopeless777, I am entering the same agonizing process... .and it "feels" like I can't handle it... .(I KNOW I CAN'T handle it, but thank God HE CAN! <><  )... .humanly speaking, it certainly is the grossest, most agonizing thing I have ever experienced thus far... .It feels horrible... .I'm sorry for your pain. 

[Tolou]

we have been given a mind to use by God. overtime because various circumstances family trauma environment etc... 'we develop in different ways. I can't speak for everyone but  I don't believe my ex was evil or is hopeless but once  I triggered certain emotions in her it was all but over. only God knows his purpose for us all, as should be in our journey through, life, love and happiness. people come and go in our lives all the time, some leave lasting impression s and others nothing. I believe that God knew when  I met her and she I it was a challenge that made me become a better person and hopefully find a better path in life whether alone or with someone  who can share it with me. what's Goday reasons for anything let alone a person with mental illness.? not  sure, but it comes to one conclusion, love. and if you pay close attention most people on these forums no matter how hurt always wish the best   for their ex or family. the people in life who challenge uS the.most