I failed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The cold truth is that she devalued me the entire relationship. I was never good enough, I was always wrong. I did everything for her. Seriously. Everything. I truly did give it my all. And it's hurtful that you don't even get the respect and love you deserve. And the worst part is when it's all said and done she wants to write our relationship off as "boredom" She's just so cruel and abusive. She has abused me every step of the way. Before, during, and after our relationship. For everyone who has been reading this thread I do truly thank you for your support. I have blocked her and her roommates phone which hopefully will buy me some time. As cruel as she was I could sense she wanted to be just mean enough to not push me away. Which at this point is not much. I would ask the question if this is finally over. Will she eventually just give up and stop contacting me. Clearly the answer is no.

Every single person around me tells me that this girl has serious issues. It breaks my heart. It truly does. I'm honestly afraid that I was able to get so emotionally involved with someone who is so sick. It scares me. I feel as though I literally suffer from PTSD from our relationship. It's a combination of wanting to go back to the past so I can be with her to thinking about the past is almost to overwhelming and I shut down. 

[zenwexler]

The cold truth is that she devalued me the entire relationship. I was never good enough, I was always wrong. I did everything for her. Seriously. Everything. I truly did give it my all. And it's hurtful that you don't even get the respect and love you deserve. And the worst part is when it's all said and done she wants to write our relationship off as "boredom" She's just so cruel and abusive. She has abused me every step of the way. Before, during, and after our relationship. For everyone who has been reading this thread I do truly thank you for your support. I have blocked her and her roommates phone which hopefully will buy me some time. As cruel as she was I could sense she wanted to be just mean enough to not push me away. Which at this point is not much. I would ask the question if this is finally over. Will she eventually just give up and stop contacting me. Clearly the answer is no.

Every single person around me tells me that this girl has serious issues. It breaks my heart. It truly does. I'm honestly afraid that I was able to get so emotionally involved with someone who is so sick. It scares me. I feel as though I literally suffer from PTSD from our relationship. It's a combination of wanting to go back to the past so I can be with her to thinking about the past is almost to overwhelming and I shut down. 

[enlighten me]

Well done Zen

It is hard. Ive been getting more insight from some boards for pwBPD. One thing that has stood out is how unaware they where that they actually hurt people. They where saying that they knew their behaviour was a bit off but when they finally faced up to it the biggest and most painful realisation was just how hurtful they where.

Without the self awareness then they will continue as they always have. One day they may realise but it is not something that can be forced on them. I think you have made the right choice and wish you the strength to see it through.

[Perfidy]

I can help you. I understand your pain. Walk away and don't look back. This is the only way to freedom from suffering.

[MrEveryman]

I was "there" too.

After the initial idealisation, came cheating and devaluation and one attempt to recycle which i got caught up in.

[In my youth i  cheated one someone i cared about and regretted it, so for this reason i was able to forgive as not to be hypocritical].

Within weeks i was pushed away or " loved as a friend " and when i explained that could not be the case i was met with anger and projection.

My final contact where i respectfully and maturely explained i could not be involved in the push/pull behavior was met with more projection ... .and that liberated me.

---

I do still feel empathy and compassion for the her and the storm raging within, but, for my own life to continue on it's path, and the happiness i deserve; She can never be part of my future.

[Infared]

Every single person around me tells me that this girl has serious issues. It breaks my heart. It truly does. I'm honestly afraid that I was able to get so emotionally involved with someone who is so sick. It scares me. I feel as though I literally suffer from PTSD from our relationship. It's a combination of wanting to go back to the past so I can be with her to thinking about the past is almost to overwhelming and I shut down.  

Its hard to say... .but at this point... .the only thing that matters (should matter) is what you do. Just what you do to take care of you.

I went through this... I think I also suffered with PTSD after coming to this site and reflecting about what I went through with this relationship. You have to be resolute in your love for yourself, even though it seems like every cell in your body is fighting you.

My expwBPD still tries to walk up to me in public... .but the pain she caused me was soo great, that I just cannot entertain giving her another opportunity to abuse me in anyway, for any reason.  I just get away and never interact with her. Always. It is a reflex reaction at this point. I don't make a scene... .or cause any drama... .I just politely and quietly get-out-of-Dodge.  Problem solved. I can have my phone, my computer and my street... .knowing that "I" am resolute and in control of loving me. Peace comes then, not immediately ... .but it slowly evolves... .my power comes back.

It was so bad for me that I think some kind of deep animal survival mechanism kicked in to save myself (too bad that it did not operate when I met her, LOL!).  

So... .for me... .if I am loving me... .it just does not matter what she does anymore... .I am in charge of loving me... .and that is my responsibility.  She can go to F'ing %&#! for all I care.  It had to be that way for me. Enough is enough. I wish you peace, self love and serenity Zen.

[KeepOnGoing]

I heard something recently that sums it up nicely for me. This devaluing, splitting, painting me black, come here, go away bs is like being in a hit and run accident. I keep reminding myself that if I were in an actual hit and run accident, I'd do everything in my power to recover. For example, I would file insurance paperwork, go to the doctor, might even need physical therapy for awhile, even buy a new car.

In this case with recovery from the hit and run accident with a pwBPD, I take care of my own affairs -including financial, see a therapist weekly, work on my own physical well being, and concentrate on the relationships with folks who are healthy and genuinely care about me.

I have to admit that I haven't looked at her social media for more than a week now, and I feel better.

Thanks for the thread, Zen. Hang in there. You're going to be fine.

[Infared]

I heard something recently that sums it up nicely for me. This devaluing, splitting, painting me black, come here, go away bs is like being in a hit and run accident. I keep reminding myself that if I were in an actual hit and run accident, I'd do everything in my power to recover. For example, I would file insurance paperwork, go to the doctor, might even need physical therapy for awhile, even buy a new car.

In this case with recovery from the hit and run accident with a pwBPD, I take care of my own affairs -including financial, see a therapist weekly, work on my own physical well being, and concentrate on the relationships with folks who are healthy and genuinely care about me.

I have to admit that I haven't looked at her social media for more than a week now, and I feel better.

Thanks for the thread, Zen. Hang in there. You're going to be fine.

KeepOnGoing... .I love your analogy... .yes... yes... and recycling in that analogy would be like getting up from the accident and walking back out into the street and take your chances with being hit by anther car. This is not healthy for us!

[Trog]

How do I get the power back?

Hello zen.  I am sorry you are still suffering.


First, I had to accept that I was suffering, and when I say "accept" I mean I had to "consent" to it (in other words, go through it, rather than around it).  There is wisdom in "no escape" from the pain (that is, in sitting with it, without judgment).

Second, I had to accept that the answer was within me (and not with her). This is easier said than done.  But, she was a rubik's cube that I was not going to solve. I turned all attention to myself and kept bringing the questions back to myself (even when I desperately wanted contact -- even when I broke NC... .I kept telling myself, "it's not about her, it's not about her, it's not about her, it's not about her... .".

Third, I committed to "re-training" my brain.  I used meditation -- because it meant (1) leaning into the spear, (2) not "reacting" to thoughts or feelings, and (3) learning to "hold" and "self-soothe" rather than look outside myself for answers.

This is possible, my friend.   I felt like a pathetic addict when I stumbled into this community.   It has been 8 months, and everything has changed.    

The answer is within you.

I think this is probably the quickest way of healing for all of us, firstly, acknowledge the pain and dont flee it (straight into the arms of the next BPD) because secondly, its actually not about her. Be UTTERLY selfish for a change, I bet you are not a selfish person at all, that doing and buying things for yourself isnt all that pleasurable, thats what I've seen from other nons, now you need to be, its about you, learning the lessons about you and yourself, she's insignicant, we're all here to learn our lessons and I think us nons are here to learn putting our own childhoods and complexes (hero/saving) down and just think... .this woman has HURT me, again and again and again, if we saw them doing that to a dog, we'd be repulsed, but to ourselves... .we think its fine. Its not fine, you, all of us deserve better and need now more than ever to put ourselves first and think only about this relationship in terms of "how does this effect me, why did I go through that, what can I learn, can I forgive myself" and self soothe.