And the suffering continues

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It seems like this pain will never end. Lately I have been ruminating about my ex. Wanting to be friends wanting to share my journey with her. Though I know it would be to shameful for her to face herself. Terrified of her own reflection.  I suppoce I just want to rant and be heard.  I know how to process this I know what I need to do.  There is just this moment of inner torment where the pain surges up and I just want to teach out to her and tell we how much she hurt me.  People close to me in my life so not have sympathy and this is my only outlet to vent to people who understand.  I still care and their is a great chance I always will.  It is coming to terms of caring and not suffering because I care that is incredibly difficult.  I have experienced too much looking within to just write her off as a bad person or whatever.  It is just here I am once again on a Saturday night writhing in pain.

[Blimblam]

It seems like this pain will never end. Lately I have been ruminating about my ex. Wanting to be friends wanting to share my journey with her. Though I know it would be to shameful for her to face herself. Terrified of her own reflection.  I suppoce I just want to rant and be heard.  I know how to process this I know what I need to do.  There is just this moment of inner torment where the pain surges up and I just want to teach out to her and tell we how much she hurt me.  People close to me in my life so not have sympathy and this is my only outlet to vent to people who understand.  I still care and their is a great chance I always will.  It is coming to terms of caring and not suffering because I care that is incredibly difficult.  I have experienced too much looking within to just write her off as a bad person or whatever.  It is just here I am once again on a Saturday night writhing in pain.

[Infern0]

Yes.  The position we are all left in.

We can't hate them, we can't blame them.  We can hate their actions I suppose.

Processing is difficult.  The way i see it,  they run off and leave us alone.  They certainly can't process what happened.  So we have to do it for them as well!

You know there's not really much anyone can say to help. Just know you aren't in this alone. We all are in the same bull___ situation. With small differences.

Mine is STILL trying to contact me. I feel bloody terrible,  she's crying out for me to make it stop! ! And I can't.  I can't throw myself into the fire with her so all I can do is stand on the sidelines and watch her burn.

Nobody understands this who hadn't been there "she's just a psycho b___, get over her"

A lot of good that does.

[Blimblam]

Thanks inferno


One of my friends had the audacity to tell me this is just the first time I have been in love.  That he's experienced all this before when he got broken at age 16.  He never even lived with the girl.  I have lived with 3 girlfriends I fell in love with before.  2 of them borderlines.  Somehow this last one has just hit me harder than anything ever.  I've been married and divorced.  It is like explaining colors to a blind person who has never seen before. I want to maintain friendships but it is so difficult after this kind of experience.

[drummerboy]

I know and feel your pain brother. All the unanswered questions and the what ifs. How can something that held so much promise now be in the trash can. It doesn't make sense and never will and we can go mad trying to figure it out.

It helps me to realise that the person I fell in love with never actually existed. That was their temporary state. The real person was the one that turned away and never looked back. On consolation is that we can pick ourselves up, get better and go on enjoying life, they get to stay in their hell forever unless they get help.

Hugs mate

[Blimblam]

Thanks Bauie

It just isn't easy. I know my ex suffers.  It is just she gives her attention to histrionics and narcisists and those people really disgust me. I do not want my ex to suffer.  The fact she suffers offers me no solace.  I have compassion for her it is that because I do have compassion for her I have seen to much so she runs away from herself with shallow people. I am not and was not shallow she really did begin to see more of herself. She got scared. I saw beyond the facade.

[myself]

So much of our struggle is from trying to make sense of something that is never going to make much sense. Many of the pieces are missing from the puzzle. Some of it's what we choose to see, not how it really is. The ways our hearts feel, the moves they make, is who we are. The brain's a tool. We adapt to our realities, or not. It doesn't alter our ultimate direction, but can shake us up when we meet too much resistance. Many of us tried to force what wasn't happening, which meant extra pain and problems. It's time to relax now.

[Tibbles]

Hi Blimblam

It is hard to watch them suffer and know there is nothing you can do. They have an illness that you simply cannot help with. So sad. It is their way of looking at the world that holds them in this pain and we cannot change that. I too want my ex in my life but I know it just cannot be. We were such good friends, it is silly to throw that away with everything else. Sad

I'm with you on no-one outside of these boards understands. My friends don't and they don't want to hear anything about it in any detail. They don't get it is such a complex thing and the relationship really got to the core of who we are and now it is gone. Time to let it all go - and that is very hard some days. Sending hugs your way x x

[drummerboy]

I know my ex suffers terribly because of her BPD. My pain is nothing compared to her life and I genuinely feel compassion for her. But it was her decision to go back to her enabler ex, a person with chronically low self esteem who thinks he is so unworthy he will put up with being continually devalaued and treated like crap. It's a needy, codependent relationship but it suits her. But at the end of the day she ended it and she has to take responsibility for that, and I'm free and getting better!

[Blimblam]

Thanks myself an tibbles

It's great this community exists. It is true I tried to force my ex to communicate and understand reciprocity.  She could not help but cause her drama.  Although she was aware of what she was doing and it would cause drama. I really do not believe she fully understands why.  I have come to a point I understand it pretty well. Although it is extremely complex and difficult to describe. In simple terms she is afraid of her own reflection afraid to look within. I am pretty sure she has voices in her head they may all use the same voice but they are different seperate energies that whisper thoughts into her head. They exist within her.  It did drive me mad.  I really do understand it now though.  I am actually getting it into a story form maybe a screenplay or something. To understand it one has to let go of the idea that we are seperate individuals and that the material form of existance is all that exists.

[Rise]

Blimblam, you have written quite a bit about the need to experience our pain and work through it as a path to inner growth. It's a tough thing, but you know we all must go through it at some point. Your ex is no different. She has to walk her own path. Truth be told it's probably going to be a long painful one. But you know that you can't walk it for her. I know how hard it can be to sit back and let someone you love get hurt, but you can't save her. She's got to save herself. And she's just never going to do without tripping and falling a few times. In trying to protect her from herself, all you're going to do is hold her back. Maybe the best thing you can do for her now is let her go to find her own way.

[freedom33]

Hey Blimblam,

I echo your problem of this being one of the very few places to vent. Thank goodness for this forum. I was telling my T a couple of days ago how difficult it is for anyone to understand what I have been through if one hasn't been through the same. It is also very difficult to explain the subtleties of what happened - I 'd tell my stories and some of my friends would be looking at me with distrust i.e. you must have done something wrong to be treated like this or minimising or just trying to explain i.e. not a big deal. At worse some would just say I am overeacted and just relax and dump her... .

I think this process helped me also realise who was actually genuinely there to hear me out and help and who wasn't. It was easier in some cases to tell my story to strangers. Once I met this couple in a camp in the middle of one of Africa's biggest natural parks - I was there by myself evidently distressed. We had a drink. I told them some of the things that happened with my ex and they were both like 'She's abusing you man!'. So clear for strangers but yet so difficult for some 'friends'. So actually this process was also a good test on who 's a real friend and who isn't.

Bliblam - I have read some of your posts and have noticed that you are approaching this problem from a spiritual, depth psychological perspective. I am wondering what the book of job might have to offer with what we have experienced here. Remember the honeymoon? The archetype of the self was activated. Wholeness. I felt like god then - I was the world and the world was me. And then one day abruptly I was brought down. Descend to hell. Time to taste the dark, talionic side of god. Shall we receive good from God and shall not receive evil? as Job said. But as the book concludes suffering, far from being a punishment, may "rescue the afflicted from their affliction" and make them more amenable to revelation to open their hearts, eyes and ears.

[drummerboy]

Rise, this is probably the most common sense and compassionate post I've seen on these boards. To me, it is so healing. In just a few words you have said such wise words, bravo!

Blimblam, you have written quite a bit about the need to experience our pain and work through it as a path to inner growth. It's a tough thing, but you know we all must go through it at some point. Your ex is no different. She has to walk her own path. Truth be told it's probably going to be a long painful one. But you know that you can't walk it for her. I know how hard it can be to sit back and let someone you love get hurt, but you can't save her. She's got to save herself. And she's just never going to do without tripping and falling a few times. In trying to protect her from herself, all you're going to do is hold her back. Maybe the best thing you can do for her now is let her go to find her own way.

[Blimblam]

Freedom,

It is so strange how even strangers often seem to be able to have more compassion for situations like this. Often while travelling would I come across a very sober couple like this. It is funny you mention job. Just yesterday I came across the story of job. I heard it through a preacher on the tv.  She emphasized faith in the end while I have a bit of a different take on it. The story is very appropriate though. I am not solely into depth psychology as how I deal with it. I sort of ended up their. Really for me it has been the validation from this forum and meditation.  I learned so much from the articles of this website and the wisdom on these boards. I had a few epiphanies from my meditations that can only be explained in the structure of myth. It was my surprise to see the myth repeating over and over in just about every religion and fairy tales throughout the ages. In film too. My appreciation for art has exponentially increased.

Rise

Thank you for the comment. It is true she has to go through it herself.  The sad thing I know she wants too just as much as she is in denial and the only people in her life do not care about her enough to push her to get help.  It is like she has just been learning new ways to run away from herself. I sort of set a boundary that I would not be friends with her untill she gave a heartfelt apology and that was end.  She just wouldn't do it. I avoided multiple recycle attempts from this boundary.  It still hurts though.

[Blimblam]

But freedom

Yes the story of job.  My faith is that the love is real the endless unconditional love is true and pure. Deep down I knew if I took her back without her making the effort to trully apologize from the core of her being that I would enable her to run away from herself. This is before I knew about BPD. I gave her so many chances and she had so called friends that would enable her and she would speak their words to me like knives to my heart. To have faith in this love and trully forgive her and myself has been a journey of suffering beyond I ever imagined. I know it is this love she seeks that is the irony of it all. It is not that I need her to feel this love it is just everything that has happened has been the ultimate test of compassion. Having to see her go through this and all she put me through and not lose faith in god= love. It really has changed my perspective on everything in life.

[mywifecrazy]

There is just this moment of inner torment where the pain surges up and I just want to teach out to her and tell we how much she hurt me.  People close to me in my life so not have sympathy and this is my only outlet to vent to people who understand.

God I know how you feel brother! I too have times when I just want to reach out and ask her if 20yrs meant absolutely nothing to her. That our family (me, her, 2 sons) meant nothing to her. Then reality sinks in (thanks to my education at BPD University  ) and I realize it will fall on deaf ears and will only trigger her to paint me even blacker... .The disorder ALWAYS wins.

And you're right BB nobody who has never experienced having loved a pwBPD then been painted black and tossed aside like garbage will ever understand what it's like. I would never have believed all these stories on here if I had not lived them myself.

Peace and blessings to all my brothers and sisters out there... .NC=Freedom... .Be strong!

MWC... .

[Take2]

There is just this moment of inner torment where the pain surges up and I just want to teach out to her and tell we how much she hurt me.  People close to me in my life so not have sympathy and this is my only outlet to vent to people who understand.

God I know how you feel brother! I too have times when I just want to reach out and ask her if 20yrs meant absolutely nothing to her. That our family (me, her, 2 sons) meant nothing to her. Then reality sinks in (thanks to my education at BPD University  ) and I realize it will fall on deaf ears and will only trigger her to paint me even blacker... .The disorder ALWAYS wins.

I'm living this feeling this weekend as well... .  and I have reached out in anger and pain many times in the past to tell him how badly he hurt me.  It has never ever helped.  I think it must have at some point long ago otherwise I can't explain why I would do it because now it truly does only cause my ex to paint me blacker or push him over the edge into a psychotic state where he has wound up attempting to take action to "destroy my life" (his words, his actions).  And yet here I sit in pain STILL over all of it. 

No, definitely no one else understands this... .  my T doesn't get it at all.  Probably why I haven't been to her for some time now... .   these boards help so so much... .   hang in there Blimblam... .  we're in it together... .

[LettingGo14]

BB -  this is a very thoughtful thread.  I agree that the pain rises, at times, to try to strangle us.  

Here is what I find interesting.  Like member myself says, "So much of our struggle is from trying to make sense of something that is never going to make much sense. Many of the pieces are missing from the puzzle. Some of it's what we choose to see, not how it really is. The ways our hearts feel, the moves they make, is who we are. The brain's a tool."

The neuroscientists say, "neurons that fire together, wire together."   Because of this, I have tried to move my brainpower from figuring her out toward figuring me out. (Note: I am not always successful -- it is easier to imagine the puzzle of her rather than the puzzle of self).

I have refused for the past several month to label anything good or bad, and I have shied away from calling myself things like "codependent" or broken or anything like that.  Instead, I just acknowledge that sometimes I am in pain, and I simply ask my imagination to ponder it.  

My pain comes from within me.  And it is mine to embrace.  And it is mine to tend to.  And it is mine to care for.  I treat it with tenderness rather than with frustration.  I turn all attention to it, and de-link it from my ex-girlfriend.  

It makes a difference.  I am, in effect, trying to re-wire how I respond to memories, experiences, and emotions.   Any time I bump into inner pain now, I welcome it.  I invite it into my consciousness.  Because it is telling me something about me.  And that is what I want to understand.

[drummerboy]

Beautiful, thoughtful words Lettinggo,

I love the metaphor that we are all on our own path. Sometimes, people cross our path carrying much baggage. We cannot carry it for them. Perhaps the best that we can do is suggest which baggage they can do without. After they discard their baggage maybe they will catch up, but it's not a race. We are all on our own journey and only we know what is important for us. The fellow travellers can advise us, but we need to get where we are going by ourselves, and we can only do that by being honest to ourselves, with or without some people.

The gift that being in a BPD relationship has given me is to delve deeply into myself. I have an amazing T that never lets me dwell on my ex, always she keeps the focus on me. She is so gentle but guides me well. Her message is that the people that really love, those of us that love deeply are also the ones that get hurt deeply but that is not a bad thing. We are alive, we really live and really feel. As I said in another thread. We are like that Japanese art where they fix broken vases with gold, the vase is made more beautiful because of its scars. Eventually the anger subsides and all that we are left with is our love and yes, our love for our ex, when we feel compassion for them we are made whole again. Wiser but with our most important qualities intact, our love, our empathy, our compassion, and that is no small thing.

BB -  this is a very thoughtful thread.  I agree that the pain rises, at times, to try to strangle us.  

Here is what I find interesting.  Like member myself says, "So much of our struggle is from trying to make sense of something that is never going to make much sense. Many of the pieces are missing from the puzzle. Some of it's what we choose to see, not how it really is. The ways our hearts feel, the moves they make, is who we are. The brain's a tool."

The neuroscientists say, "neurons that fire together, wire together."   Because of this, I have tried to move my brainpower from figuring her out toward figuring me out. (Note: I am not always successful -- it is easier to imagine the puzzle of her rather than the puzzle of self).

I have refused for the past several month to label anything good or bad, and I have shied away from calling myself things like "codependent" or broken or anything like that.  Instead, I just acknowledge that sometimes I am in pain, and I simply ask my imagination to ponder it.  

My pain comes from within me.  And it is mine to embrace.  And it is mine to tend to.  And it is mine to care for.  I treat it with tenderness rather than with frustration.  I turn all attention to it, and de-link it from my ex-girlfriend.  

It makes a difference.  I am, in effect, trying to re-wire how I respond to memories, experiences, and emotions.   Any time I bump into inner pain now, I welcome it.  I invite it into my consciousness.  Because it is telling me something about me.  And that is what I want to understand.

[freedom33]

As I said in another thread. We are like that Japanese art where they fix broken vases with gold, the vase is made more beautiful because of its scars.

That's such a wonderful image. Thank you Bauie.

[workinprogress]

As I said in another thread. We are like that Japanese art where they fix broken vases with gold, the vase is made more beautiful because of its scars.

That's such a wonderful image. Thank you Bauie.

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