Grieving a loved one's BPD

[Hawk Ridge]

I have good moments of relief we're not together and then I have anxiety-filled grief moments where I am still stunned this happened.   It's been 5 months since she left and three months since she "said" she began dating and "falling in love" with someone else. I suspect it was earlier but I don't have facts so that is what it is.  My relief moments are when I am embarrassed to admit she will likely do the same to her new partner who, by all accounts, is much clingier than I.  When I was with my pwBPD, she detested being smothered or if I felt clingy to her before she would go on a break.   My grief moments include the shock that she left, that I lost the woman I loved and our future together but, mostly, my grief is that she actually suffers from this disease.  I am so sad that she, a wonderful person when in a good space, has gone through so much and now has this cold hearted disease.   I can eventually heal and move on but... .she can't.  It will always follow her.  The multiple suicide attempts, the merry go round that is her mind, the many broken relationships, the dislike of herself - it will always be there.  I mourn that greatly.   Can anyone relate to this?   It saddens me so... .i really do love her, just not her disease. 

[JohnLove]

Hello Hawk Ridge. I think all of us can relate to this. When you become aware of their BPD affliction. When you try so hard to help them through it in everyday situations. When you apply the highest levels of compassion. When you try to separate the BPD behaviour from their true self (that's often not easy) and you appreciate their good characteristics.

When they are feeling good or aren't dysregulating they can be the most wonderful people.

I too, have enormous difficulty trying to process how they treat people as objects, it's so entirely foreign to me. I understand the concept... .applying it when it makes no rational sense though... . 

Yes. That is true love. When you are concerned for another's safety and well being as much as yourself... .even if you are not together. Congratulations. That is love. Only we non's seem to be able to comprehend the magnitude of it all and the terrible impact and implications it has on the pwBPD. It is very very sad.

Sorry to hear you're hurting. You're logical mind and your internal witness (who tries to see things from a neutral perspective) are going to have a hard time resolving what's happened.

Take it easy on yourself.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

It saddens me so... .i really do love her, just not her disease. 

Yes i relate Hawk Ridge so whole heartedly with this. Its something ive come to the realization as of late too in this as the only logical implication to contrive out of the fantasy ive been living for almost 2 years. Its the only dry land i can step on out of the endless sea of emotions i feel lost in as im sure we all do at times.

Yes. That is true love. When you are concerned for another's safety and well being as much as yourself... .even if you are not together. Congratulations. That is love. Only we non's seem to be able to comprehend the magnitude of it all and the terrible impact and implications it has on the pwBPD. It is very very sad.

This too JohnLove. It strikes me to my core. The words explain to me something im still struggling through to fully comprehend . Love is not confusing its simple but the act of it being so strong no matter how many lies,manipulations,cheating,and abuse she dishes out is unchanging put me at a sense of awe. No wonder they say love is one of the strongest things this world can emanate. Id heard the words but never truly understood until i felt it through this situation. Ive been reading alot of what Rumi a wise philosopher has to say about love and its truly helping enlighten my understanding. And a quote in particular sticks out to me id like to share. "Love risks everything and asks for nothing"- Rumi

Namaste, both of you take care.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you both for your kind words. I find it has been the hardesr part of my struggle.  My T is waiting for me to be mad and I just have compassion. It seems to be halting my healing process.  Any thoughts how to get through grief when I can't be mad?  I so want to move on and this last 5 months has been just so hard.  I need to trust God is taking care of her and I can move on to what he plans for me.  I am grateful she taught me I can love but maybe my love for her needs to just be a presence, platonic.  Can you guys talk a little about your thoughts about that as well as forgiveness?  I need to move forth in my healing so could use all the help I can get