Why do they need to destroy you?

[Emelie Emelie]

He broke up with me. Yet if we do have contact (which is infrequent... .we both avoid) he just has to annihilate me. I'm having an issue with my Bluetooth in the car. When I hang up it redials a number. To date it's been my daughter or office but last week it apparently dialed him. I didn't realize it. He started texting me. "what's up" kind of thing. Realized what happened. Apologized. Said hope you're well. And he went nuclear. Which is my point. I was devastated by this break up (number two) which he's well aware of. He started by informing me he was sleeping with someone else then proceeded to call me every name in the book and attack my personality, my looks, my body, my character, my parenting. He hit low and hard. On and on. As crudely and cruelly as possible. Ended his rampage by "blocking" my number. I'm beyond hurt. I just don't understand it. Why does he hate me so much?  Why does he still need to hurt me?  Is he dealing with his shame and guilt by making me the bad guy? 

[drummerboy]

Understand that his behaviour is nothing to do with you so don't take it personally,  pwBPD don't care about other people. Emotionally he is probably about 5 years old and when a 5 year old gets upset what do they do? They throw a tantrum. You cannot expect a 5 year old to act like an adult.

[Hopeless777]

Yes they throw tantrums like 5 years olds BUT they're adults and have figured out our weaknesses and insecurities and use it against us to inflict demonic pain. Not even a five year old can do that. BPD=EVIL

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Emelie-

Is he dealing with his shame and guilt by making me the bad guy?

Yep, garden variety projection; you have to be everything bad so he can be everything good, a defense mechanism, a coping tool, that is the best he can do with a personality disorder and minimal coping skills, a seriously unmutually beneficial situation.  Plus, he most likely broke up with you because he thought you were about to leave, or already had, and that pesky fear of abandonment showed up again, the core of the disorder, something he probably can't articulate, it's just a feeling, brought on by something as innocuous as you settling into the relationship and relaxing.  Standard issue borderline here, apply as needed.

You know all that.  What are you going to do now?

[findingmyselfagain]

I think it's simply because many of them can't lead and/or experience what we consider a normal life... .so they don't have what we would consider appropriate reactions. It's just not possible with their insecurities and reactions to their feelings. I was only with mine for about 9 months, engaged, and adopted as the "daddy" to her 1 y/o daughter. 4 years later I still scratch my head at how things turned out. The best I ever got from her was an "I'm sorry everything turned out this way" via FB message. It's probably as honest and sincere as she could be since she no longer had any feelings for me (black or white). I tried being friends with her and she was fairly open to the idea. I don't think she could handle me being friendly while she was supposed to find fault with me, but she really couldn't. In the end she just went on a rampage on me. I can look back and see the signs, but at the time I didn't recognize just how fearful and insecure she is. I don't think she understands herself. How scary must it be to fall in love and have things fall apart every single time and have no idea that you may be the source of the problem? The most responsible thing we can do is to let them rise and fall on their own two feet.

[Emelie Emelie]

Heel:  I'm not going to do anything. I just can't take this anymore. It's been over 5 months and he can still wreck me. Avoid contact I guess.  Not too difficult as I've been blocked. Beyond that?  I don't know. I'm just numb.

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel:  I'm not going to do anything. I just can't take this anymore. It's been over 5 months and he can still wreck me. Avoid contact I guess.  Not too difficult as I've been blocked. Beyond that?  I don't know. I'm just numb.

Yes, I know numb, I've spent time there.  It was my own defense mechanism protecting me from emotions too strong to deal with at the time.  Contact can either hinder our detachment or hasten it, depending on where we are in it, and since he's still able to affect you badly, no contact definitely sounds like the plan.  And once you get some time free of him, those emotions will start to surface and you can work through them at your pace; good news really, profound growth might just be on the other side!

To start, find one good thing about the latest interaction; how did it help your detachment?  What's good about the confirmation of who he is you just got?  Find something, and take care of you!

[blissful_camper]

He texted you, and when you apologized for the error he probably felt embarrassed for having texted you.  I'm guessing he felt rejected.  Lashing out at you was his way of expressing his anger at having been rejected.  It's not about you.   

[trappedinlove]

Heel:  I'm not going to do anything. I just can't take this anymore. It's been over 5 months and he can still wreck me. Avoid contact I guess.  Not too difficult as I've been blocked. Beyond that?  I don't know. I'm just numb.

Emelie, this must be so painful to you... .  You're acting right.  There's nothing you can do about him and his personality disorder.  It's hard to rationalize and figure out what makes him be so cruel to you.  It can hurt so much to be devalued by someone you loved and appreciated so much.

You say you're just numb but it's clear you're hurt.  Don't be afraid to cleanse up your emotional system and cry the pain out (Yes, for the 1000s time... .).

Can you accept him the way he is and accept that there is no good answer for "why" he seem to need to destroy you?

Be indifferent to his opinion

Be indifferent to his life choices

Move on knowing you are just fine with yourself and who you are

[BlackandBlue]

My ex sounds just like yours... .she was absolutely vicious and took plenty of shots below the belt. Like you i was devastated by the breakup and was in a excruciating pain. I was in a bad place before the breakup actually... .very depressed and suicidal (because she was running me into the ground)... .thats why she suddenly left me with no warning... .cause she didn't feel like dealing with my depression. So what does she do after we break up... .kicks me while im down over and over again! You name it she said it! It takes a sick person to do what she did!

[goldylamont]

Emelie Emelie i think it's hard to imagine just how bad our exes view us, because it's not based in reality, makes no sense. i feel like i got a glimpse one time though. i think it was just after we broke up but still living/sleeping in the same bed. i woke up in the middle of the night and my ex was crying while still asleep. really sad sobbing. i had to wake her up and when i did i asked her if she was having a nightmare. when she came to she told me she had a bad dream where she had walked into our bedroom and i was having sex with another woman on our bed. then she said i turned to her and started screaming all kinds of profanities at her, berating her. of all the lies she told i could tell her fear and emotions were real this time she was crying uncontrollable for a while lying on my chest. heartbreaking to say the least. so, what i think is that it was 'that guy', the one from the dream, that i was to her for much of the time. even with no evidence, she felt like i was this guy and furthermore she started treating me like that guy. it is terrible. and the thing is she'll have these dreams/delusions about any man or woman she's with. your ex is going to do the same to the person he's with now.

i also recall distinctly one time when my ex was being especially nasty to me in an argument, i had a realization of a kind and i told her. i just knew that whatever the hell she was so angry about didn't have anything to do with me. i wasn't doing anything or provoking her--i felt as if she had a deep hate, contempt, mistrust of men in general. and i told her so. not that it mattered... .

i remember checking out the following book when looking for answers as you are. perhaps this can help. i haven't read the whole thing but you can read samples at the link below:

Punishment and Revenge in Borderline Personality Disorder - What Every Loved One Needs to Know / A.J. Mahari

www.phoenixrisingpublications.ca/item.php?itemId=171&category=13

[Infared]

Emelie... .there just is no understanding a pwBPD'S childish immature behavior. It is difficult but we have to work at not taking it personally when it seems like the behavior couldn't get much more personal, right?

Mine lied, cheated and ran off with new supply then "together" they would act out in public in a preplanned emotionally devastating way to me on a regular basis.  I was always shocked, dumbfounded and hurt.

Example:

NC for at least 2 years. Me at sidewalk cafe with male friends totally just minding my own business, she arrives with my replacement, she sees me and gives big sigh and goes into drama/victim mode to manipulate new supply, me behind shades, not flinching or giving up any knowledge of their arrival... .her literally inches from me. They then go to adjoining cafe and proceed to sit at a table: both facing me and staring me down... .a couple leaves from their cafe... they get up and move to that table a few feet away from me, both sit facing me and staring me down with this look on their faces like "look at us together, I bet this is REALLY hurting you isn't it". Totally totally enjoying the fact that they are causing me pain. This is from two adults in their late thirties?  Who acts like this? I never acknowledged them. I give NOTHING up. I stayed my stay with my friends and left when we were done, never giving the two 5yr.-olds any attention. This was one of many similar encounters?

Sometimes if they saw me somewhere they would get all affectionate in front of me? I am amazed that this guy was acting in this manner, too?

Then if she was alone and I was alone in a store perhaps she would walk up to me with a happy look on her face, as if we were friends and attempt to engage me in some conversation or something, as if we had just talked a week before or something... .it was BIZARRE.  I ALWAYS just looked down and walked away... .I just could not engage with her after all of the disrespectful 5-yr-old behavior.

I made a home with this person, I loved her and lived with her for five years, I always respected her, I never even called her a name in anger... We argued etc. but it was always respectful. I just did nothing to deserve being treated in the way that they did... .

Emelie... .there is just no comprehending a pwBPD'S  rage or attacking behavior. It is just mental illness... .like you, it so hurt me at the time, but once I could stand back from it and heal somewhat, I could see that it just had nothing to do with me... .It was all her/their sickness.

Totally. Still upsetting but understandable and bearable.  Sad, sad behavior from a person that I cared soo much about.

We just have to rise above it, be the bigger person, behave like the adults that we are and accept it for what it is. Mental illness.

[Blimblam]

Emilie

The BPD persons psyche is compartmentalized. They have a great fear of abandonment and a ton of inner self hatred. It was an inner compartment of ther personality that took over and caused the issue they then project that compartment onto you and act out against themself through you for screwing things up. That good sweet inner part of them is trapped in the pit of their mind observing in horror as their other Charachters destroy you.  When you act out in response the other components of their personality put that on the sweet person you love to prove to that part of them they were right all along justifying their existance and that the part of them you love they are worthless.

Their is a cast of characters in the borderline mind and they hold the part if then you love as a prisoner

[Take2]

Heel:  I'm not going to do anything. I just can't take this anymore. It's been over 5 months and he can still wreck me. Avoid contact I guess.  Not too difficult as I've been blocked. Beyond that?  I don't know. I'm just numb.

Right there with you Emelie... .  I'm no longer with my ex but he can flatten me and proceeds to do so on a regular basis.  I can't block him at work.  But actually he has done the rage at me, send me photos of whatever girl he's found online to date and proceed to call me vicious names and immediately block me so I can't respond.  He has texted me how he needs to destroy my life.  His words!  It's been quite some time since he's done that.  I threatened a restraining order once - when I was very afraid of him becoming physical because his rage was escalating.  Well, that threat certainly raised his anger.  And then also made him much smarter - he no longer puts the worst of his anger in writing/text. 

I keep hoping for numbness to come... .  the times it does are far too fleeting given that I have to see this person almost every day at work... . 

[LettingGo14]

Why does he hate me so much?  Why does he still need to hurt me?  Is he dealing with his shame and guilt by making me the bad guy? 

I care about you, EE.   And I wish I could take away your suffering.   This is my approach -- and it may not work for you right now, so I offer only as an alternative perspective.

I would scratch the questions above.  Why does he hate me so much?  Why does he still need to hurt me?  Is he dealing with his shame and guilt by making me the bad guy? 

Then, I would ask:

Can I let go of the disordered individual?  Can I be compassionate to myself, and accept it did not work?  Can I establish safe boundaries behind which I can heal?  Can I stop wondering about motivations of the pwBPD, and deal with my grief and pain and hurt?   Can I see myself as good even in the face of devaluation by someone I cared about?

[Infared]

Why does he hate me so much?  Why does he still need to hurt me?  Is he dealing with his shame and guilt by making me the bad guy?  

I care about you, EE.   And I wish I could take away your suffering.   This is my approach -- and it may not work for you right now, so I offer only as an alternative perspective.

I would scratch the questions above.  Why does he hate me so much?  Why does he still need to hurt me?  Is he dealing with his shame and guilt by making me the bad guy?

Then, I would ask:

Can I let go of the disordered individual?  Can I be compassionate to myself, and accept it did not work?  Can I establish safe boundaries behind which I can heal?  Can I stop wondering about motivations of the pwBPD, and deal with my grief and pain and hurt?   Can I see myself as good even in the face of devaluation by someone I cared about?

Thanks LettingGo... .that is good perspective for all of us... .at least it is for me!  I have gotten to that point about 90%... .and it has been a long haul.  It still hurts... .but I just don't care what that person thinks or what she is doing any more.  It has to do with healing me and protecting myself from interaction from a person who has attacked me, lied to me and deceived me.  Enough is enough!

It comes down to:

Who do "I" think I am.

How do "I" treat others.

Do I need to abuse others to feel good about me. NO.   I had to turn it around.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks everyone.  You're all right... .I need to stop asking why.  The "why" is because he's mentally ill.  I do have to remind myself I didn't do anything to deserve this.  I've been beating myself up.  Oh I made him insecure because I went to a work thing without him; blah, blah, blah.  I accepted him and his disorder, learned as much as I could, loved him, supported him and went back to him when he begged me not to give up on him.  He is an endless well of need that no human can fill.  I am feeling grateful that I don't have to work with him/parent with him as many of you do.  That would be terribly hard.  There are no remaining ties between us.  I don't have to interact with him ever again.  And after this I think I'm finally at the point where I don't want to.  I know I have my issues.  "Not good enough" issues.  If I didn't I wouldn't have been with him as long as I was and I certainly wouldn't have gone back.  I am realizing they are my issues.  Validation from him, apologies from him (which did not come) are meaningless.  It changes to hatred soon enough.  LG you're so right.  The "why" I need to focus on is why I have such a difficult time letting go of him.  How can I heal my own issues?  I see that.  Right now it all just hurts too much. 

[LettingGo14]

I know I have my issues.  "Not good enough" issues.  

We are all winging it, dear EE.   Every single person in the world.  But, give yourself credit -- you have taken tremendous initiative to participate in the community, to open up to others about your pain, and to help others who are in pain.  

That counts for something good.  

The "why" I need to focus on is why I have such a difficult time letting go of him.  Right now it all just hurts too much.  

Yes.  It hurts.   I felt pain in my stomach, in my heart, in my throbbing head.  I felt de-motivated, listless, and distracted.   I had trouble focusing.   I was distracted, and absorbed in my own seemingly shrinking mental world.  

And then... .

With help from this community, I decided enough was enough.   I decided I would re-build, brick by brick, step by step.   Like a city devastated by a tsunami, or a town leveled by a tornado.  

I consented to my pain.   I accepted it.   I allowed it.  In fact, I think I welcomed it eventually, because it wanted to teach me something.

What is emotional pain?  It's a messenger.

I am not clinically versed enough to know the ins and outs of unconscious mind vs. conscious mind, but I came to think of my pain as a beacon from inside of me -- a messenger from my unconscious mind.  As long as the pain flashed, it had something to teach me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi EE, I was formally divorced from my BPDxW over a year ago, yet she's still trying to destroy me.  We have children together and are LC.  Over the winter, she filed a motion to modify the divorce judgment.  Last week, she filed another post-divorce motion.  She wants to annihilate me, I'm convinced.  Yet I won't let her break me.  In a weird way, I think she enjoys keeping in contact with me through court filings.  She gets negative attention, yet its attention nevertheless, which is what those w/BPD crave, in my view, because it adds to the drama in which they see themselves at the center.  Lucky Jim

[KHC_33]

It is extremely difficult when they wheel you down to the point of no return. It is even more difficult when you have to be honest about past relationships and admit that it failed on two accounts. Mental illness and mental break down.

I am still healing from all the past. STILL. It rears all the way back from my own childhood. How sad. How can we ever be comfortable when that is all we have known? When we finally see something different we think it is totally out in left field.

I have learned to take life in very small dosages. Do not let your thoughts run rampage. It will only destroy your self confidence and everything you are as a person. I have found even good people tend to overwhelm me when they have no idea what they are talking about. None. We as individually have all lived a real moment in life that has brought us to extreme pain (in these relationships). Call it abuse, call it mental illnesses, call it being comfortable because that is how you were raised). Point is no one can feel or experience what you have endured and no one should ever try to even think they can put their atoms into your place in those moments. We can all sympathize but we will never know.

As far as the ex's go. Look up the word release. Gosh I looked it up today and it meant free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, debit etc.

I think as we leave a terrible BPD relationship our mentality gets trapped and separated. We tend to leave in the physical but not in the mental. That is why we keep going over the thoughts, we keep getting back into the same relationships and we keep thinking whatever normal we have it's surreal.

Hang in there. Release yourself from all of it. There are brighter times ahead for all of us. 

KHC

[walksoftly]

Oh my god yes!

The cruelty is beyond my wildest dreams. We were together for ten years. Then she finds a replacement while she is married to me. Watching them in family court while they tried to take my daughter away from me was beyond belief. The two of them in what I call a poisonous cocktail of deceit and cruelty and how they drink from that glass, gorge themselves.

I don't want to play the victim but I believe I am the victim of a mentally ill person; All BPD's are diffferent but when you assert yourself they want to destroy you... ."How dare you assert yourself!" Then, when you succeed they play the victim. Its a sick twisted dialogue.

NO CONTACT is my mantra... .it helps!

[BlackandBlue]

EE, I too ponder over and over again asking myself "why" and I beat myself an awful lot. I am making baby steps in the letting go process but I definetly have more bad days than good. Im lucky to have found bpdfamily.com because while I was with my exwBPD I didnt even know what BPD was. I knew something was wrong and Im pretty sure she did too. The way the relationship ended was so bizarre to me and she had devalued me so badly that i actually thought it was all my fault and all the nasty stuff she said was true. everyday i learn something new about the relationship and it makes me realize that it wasnt my fault and she is mentally ill. Letting go and not asking yourself "why" is easier said than done but i know with time ill be ok... .and so will you.

[walksoftly]

Hi Everyone,

I seea common theme in some of these posts: "We didnt know what BPD was until we were devalued and were able to be on the outside looking in." I suppose we lose ourselves in the relationship... .there is no down time!

I am now in a relationship with a caring wonderful woman. I go home after work and there is no chaos! At first I thought there was something missing from the relationship but now I realize this is a normal relationship. For the first time in ten years I have someone who actually cares about me. She asks if I had a good day, waht I would like for dinner, etc etc.  These are the simple things in life -small positive interactions that build up over time as opposed to small and large negative interactions that build up over time.

In a BPD relationship there is no room for the non. Its all about the BPD person. She left me when I needed her the most as I was having a difficult time at work. She is now with a man who is ten years her senior, going through his third messy divorce, etc.  I worked with him! His entire staff quit because they couldnt stand him!

So, here I am and enjoy these dialogues with you all--thank-you for being there for me.

[Infared]

EE, I too ponder over and over again asking myself "why" and I beat myself an awful lot. I am making baby steps in the letting go process but I definetly have more bad days than good. Im lucky to have found bpdfamily.com because while I was with my exwBPD I didnt even know what BPD was. I knew something was wrong and Im pretty sure she did too. The way the relationship ended was so bizarre to me and she had devalued me so badly that i actually thought it was all my fault and all the nasty stuff she said was true. everyday i learn something new about the relationship and it makes me realize that it wasnt my fault and she is mentally ill. Letting go and not asking yourself "why" is easier said than done but i know with time ill be ok... .and so will you.

+1000

[Lucky Jim]

In a BPD relationship there is no room for the non. Its all about the BPD person.

Agree, pwoods.  The pwBPD needs to have everything revolve around him/her, in my view.

I don't miss the drama, either.  When I return home at night, I don't worry that a bottle might be heading for my head, or that my clothes might end up in a pile on the front lawn.

LuckyJim

[AnnaK]

He is not trying to destroy you.

It sounds like he is hurt, devastated himself, and like a blind man in pain, he is punching at the air. If someone is standing around and gets hit - it's hardly his problem.

It's always like that with my man - if I observe him throwing buckets of dirt in my direction - it usually means he is feeling hurt for one reason or another - maybe caught in abandonment fears, maybe caught in self-esteem crisis, maybe he was binge-drinking and now feels like he's the useless drunk... .something must be there. I have learned not to think that it has anything to do with me... .

That is yeah, his accusations might be occasionally true and valid (sometimes they are invented, but I learn lots of new things about myself through his angry talks) - but my declared shortcomings are rarely related to the real problem he is having. 

[Lucky Jim]

my declared shortcomings are rarely related to the real problem he is having. 

Like how you put that, AnnaK, though this may be a moot point if you happen to be in the crater when the bomb hits . . .

LuckyJim

[Hopeless777]

In a BPD relationship there is no room for the non. Its all about the BPD person.

Agree, pwoods.  The pwBPD needs to have everything revolve around him/her, in my view.

I don't miss the drama, either.  When I return home at night, I don't worry that a bottle might be heading for my head, or that my clothes might end up in a pile on the front lawn.

LuckyJim

Yeah, at least I'm not afraid of the terror and violence. In that sense I have peace. Now it i could just get her out of my head.

[LettingGo14]

Like how you put that, AnnaK, though this may be a moot point if you happen to be in the crater when the bomb hits . . .

LuckyJim

Made me smile, LuckyJim.  But, fortunately, if one is posting here, on is likely not a crater.  

If we make it here to this board, I'm all about letting the last war fade into the history books.  We're here to re-build, heal, and move forward. 

[drummerboy]

So many great replies in this thread! My view is that they never think about other people long enough to "set out to destroy" anyone. My ex was so self absorbed I don't think she thought for a second about anyone else, everything about their thinking is me, me, me. Their condition consumes them.