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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I'm a nicer person now  (Read 435 times)
x1985x

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« on: September 16, 2014, 10:39:56 PM »

I really am. I feel much better these days, I feel "mostly" like my old, care-free self again. This experience has ripped me apart, but I'm feeling the aftermath, the strengthening.

I know what I know.

It's a simple fact. We all know things, we wish we couldn't. I've let this sink in deeply. Truly, it's been a very powerful realization, it's improved my days significantly. I was reeled in, caught, and mounted, just like most here. It doesn't end. They are fishermen from hell.

I've reframed so many things, in a positive way. I know that it took strength to stay, courage to speak up and demand respect, love to forgive. I had all those things in me. I always did. Now, I let that empower me. I share that with everyone I can. I speak to people everywhere I go. I donate to charity more. I recently shared a large pizza with a homeless man, it was a great idea and we are friends now, we ride bikes together in the park at least weekly, no joke.

I leave better tips. I wave to everyone I see when I ride my bike. That probably sounds ridiculous, until the coming days, when you see those same people in the grocery store or the local bar. They will know you as that friendly guy that rides his bike a lot and waves to everyone. I notice changes in the world, noticeable changes when I'm committed to being a nice person.

Something I read a few weeks ago was very powerful and spoke directly to me. "If you can't find a nice person, be one." I am using this next chapter in my life as the place where I become my best self. The complete opposite of what I've done with her. There is a better life out there for me, for all of us. I only want to be who I am, someone who cares. It doesn't bother me anymore that I caught feelings for a man eater, it only means that I have love to give, even to those who may not deserve it.

It's been 4 months since I've moved out. I'm feeling very well, I'm much healthier physically, I've lost 65+ pounds, I have much more energy than I've had in years. The universe is taking care of me. I have to protect myself and grow from here, but I feel my positivity growing.

I would love to hear about anyone's experience at a similar point in their detachment and healing process. It absolutely is a process, a very involved, exhausting undertaking. I'm thankful for these boards and similar ones, the eerily familiar interactions.

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NeedHelpPls

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« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2014, 10:53:52 PM »

Looks like I'm on a similar journey as you my friend.

I feel stronger, happier, able to appreciate little things in life

when everything seemed so bleak and hopeless.

I still get the pang of pain couple of times a day, because the

love (or maybe an addiction) was so intense, it was nothing

like I've ever experienced before. But, such intensity, and drama

is not sustainable. It will eventually take toll on your soul, your body.

Mourn the loss, but don't regret.

It can only go up from here on out.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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x1985x

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« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2014, 10:59:55 PM »

Exactly. I get the same pangs. They remind me of when I danced with the devil and was lucky enough to escape.
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merlin4926
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« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2014, 05:07:58 AM »

Great post. I still have sad times and miss my expbd like crazy BUT in doing what I need to do to get over him I've said yes to so many things, met loads of great people and had some fantastic experiences.  In some ways my expbd unlocked my confidence and then tried to destroy me but he has NOT succeded!

Hard though it is at times I know I am going to get over this and my life will be better than it was before I met him... .Just wish he could find some real happiness too.
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Trog
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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2014, 05:16:41 AM »

Hi x1985x

I'm exactly 4 months out too but not 4 months NC but 4 months since I split up with her. I think there may be a watershed moment at 4 months because the difference between 3,2,1 months out is quite marked. Perhaps that's the time when your thinking has switched enough from her and her diagnosis to you and your own well being.

I love this  "If you can't find a nice person, be one." - I do try to be really loving and giving and supportive to everyone I meet and for sure I'm much kinder, nicer and less sarcastic that I was before I started my 7 year rollercoaster ride.

It's really hard to see the BPD mirroring as a lesson bearing gift in the first few months as you've been hit by a bus, I really believe that once all of us have come through this and healed and looked within to ask ourselves some questions we will actually be ready for a two-way healthy relationship and for those still angry with their BPD others, you can console yourself with the fact, that sadly, they'll never have that chance. These people suffer All the time, they suffered before they met us, their crazy making and lack of self awareness ruins many areas of their life and they are going to struggle through their lives. I wouldn't trade.
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x1985x

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« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2014, 09:17:32 AM »

I wouldn't trade either, not for anything! I love who I am again. It is a blessing to have that negativity removed from my life for good. So many aspects of my life took a plunge, since the day I met and was sucked in by her mirroring and lies. Now, it feels incredible to see those areas returning and to know that it's because if me and my inner work. I can and will survive this and anything life throws at me. We all can.

Love and positivity to all my brothers and sisters on this site. We are the victors.
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hope4tomorrow

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« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2014, 09:35:17 AM »

Thank you for this post, it is very encouraging.  I am meeting with my L today and moving ahead.  It is incredibly hard, but I know in my mind it is right.  I hope to be a nicer person 4 months from now also!
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Rifka
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2014, 09:49:24 AM »

Great thread! I love the positive threads of hope for everybody!

Tomorrow will be my 1 month n/c anniversary! It don't feel anything for my exBPDbf except pity and hope for him!

I could never imagine living such a turmoil life, for a life sentence!

My mind and heart have nothing but well wishes of good health and a good therapist to teach him the tools to treat his next gf well!

I do remember everything, but I also remember everyday of the amazing person I am and what I deserve in another person!

This has been an incredible, unbelievable ( unless you are smack dab in the middle of it!) life lesson about the disorder and myself!

Being me again is priceless!

Good luck to you all! You sound like the finish line is within site. Healing takes different time periods for different people.

It's all good!

Lessons learned here and discussions with all of us nons are so heartwarming.

It's a close knit family here that welcomes every bruised and beaten heart!

It's wonderful!

Kindness is addictive! Pay it forward!

Hugs to you all! It's great to see the sun again!

Rifka

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thereishope
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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2014, 11:09:42 AM »

I know what I know.

It doesn't bother me anymore that I caught feelings for a man eater, it only means that I have love to give, even to those who may not deserve it.

Thank you for sharing... .Although I'm in the process of trying to muster up enough XYZ (fill in the blanks) to leave this situation, your words encourage me.  I can understand them.  I want to understand them more, from the other side.  Thanks again. 
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thereishope
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« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2014, 11:11:33 AM »

Exactly. I get the same pangs. They remind me of when I danced with the devil and was lucky enough to escape.

!
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thereishope
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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2014, 11:11:53 AM »

Thank you for this post, it is very encouraging.  I am meeting with my L today and moving ahead.  It is incredibly hard, but I know in my mind it is right.  I hope to be a nicer person 4 months from now also!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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SoftLanding

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« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2014, 03:05:18 PM »

You inspire me x1985x.  Thank you!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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x1985x

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« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2014, 08:06:41 PM »

Thanks to everyone. It means the world.

I feel as well as I do because of all OUR struggles. I take great comfort and meaning from everything I injest here and without such a community I would be far more lost. I've learned so much, invaluable amounts of wisdom and experience.

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thereishope
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« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2014, 05:34:44 AM »

Thanks to everyone. It means the world.

I feel as well as I do because of all OUR struggles. I take great comfort and meaning from everything I injest here and without such a community I would be far more lost. I've learned so much, invaluable amounts of wisdom and experience.

Me too. For real!
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rollercoaster24
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« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2014, 11:52:55 PM »

Hey x1985x

Great post topic, here here.

I also feel like I am a much nicer person since going through this experience with BP, I donate more, do more for people (like I once used to some time ago), and it feels good.

Also more determined to become a better and better person in every way, (realise there are some things I need to improve on a bit which will be good for the soul).

And even though my life seems empty except for my work (own business), and I don't have much of a social life presently, I also don't care that much, like I did months ago. I don't care if I find someone else right now, and I expect I will feel that way for quite some time in the future.

If eventually I do, then it will be a much better situation simply because I will be much healthier myself.

Thanks kindly

Roller
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brokenbutalive
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« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2014, 02:30:23 PM »

It's wonderful to read all this positivity that has come out of these torrid relationships. Unfortunately I feel like I am the exception to the rule... .I used to be a far nicer person than I am now. Kind, thoughtful, generous... .since 'her' I have a heart of stone. I'm bitter, resentful, angry, and cynical about love. I've withdrawn into myself and can't let anyone close. I've become selfish and self centred and I hate the person I am now. I do try every day to be a better person but it's an uphill struggle 
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Compassion14
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« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2014, 02:48:30 PM »

x1985x  - I LOVE this post!

Group hug ! 

THIS is what I need to be feeling - what I need to be focusing on. I endlessly and unselfishly channelled my powerful positivity and renowned 'bubbly' nature into propping him up - coaching him to lift his head off the pillow some days and calming his ridiculous insecurities, frightening aggression and self centred anxiety.

I never got back what I put it. Even his counseller pointed that out to me.

Time I channelled all of God's special gifts to me onto me - and my beautiful child and family. We are worth it!

Great to remember that - for all of us.

Much love!

C14

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thereishope
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« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2014, 02:58:58 PM »

x1985x  - I LOVE this post!

Group hug ! 

THIS is what I need to be feeling - what I need to be focusing on. I endlessly and unselfishly channelled my powerful positivity and renowned 'bubbly' nature into propping him up - coaching him to lift his head off the pillow some days and calming his ridiculous insecurities, frightening aggression and self centred anxiety.

I never got back what I put it. Even his counseller pointed that out to me.

Time I channelled all of God's special gifts to me onto me - and my beautiful child and family. We are worth it!

Great to remember that - for all of us.

Much love!

C14

This is my desire and focus too... .Instead of pouring ALL of the good stuff I know (by God's grace) I have inside to give ... .into a bucket with holes, I want to shower it upon my kids and others as well!
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Whiteytheox72
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« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2014, 03:03:38 PM »

I have went out of my way to be kinder to others. I befriended a woman at work who I had been unkind to. I have reconnected with many old friends. I have so much hurt inside that any act of kindness I perform is like letting go of some pain from inside. Be the kindness you wish to see in this world
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thereishope
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« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2014, 03:12:52 PM »

It's wonderful to read all this positivity that has come out of these torrid relationships. Unfortunately I feel like I am the exception to the rule... .I used to be a far nicer person than I am now. Kind, thoughtful, generous... .since 'her' I have a heart of stone. I'm bitter, resentful, angry, and cynical about love. I've withdrawn into myself and can't let anyone close. I've become selfish and self centred and I hate the person I am now. I do try every day to be a better person but it's an uphill struggle 

I'm going to assume from my own experience with uBPDh, that you are simply horribly and desperately hurt/injured.  I've used the word "broken" a lot myself... . I don't really think you are an exception to the positivity that can come out of the mess of BPD... . I think we all have to admit that we have experienced bitterness, resentment, anger, and cynicism/suspicion of love, and that we feel quite protective of our own hearts now... .

I heard before that hardships can either make us "bitter" or "better".  My experience tells me that it isn't at all easy to allow these things to make us "better"... .My r/s with a uBPDh has brought out the best and the worst of me... .and the worst of me is really uglyyyyyyyy... . I started mirroring his BPD "stuff" insecurity, controlling, etc... .very very ugly... .

I'm at the point now (while still trying to determine whether or not to stay in this r/s... .that I want to be the best "me" I can be.  I am trying to be honest with myself to the very core of my being... .This r/s definitely brought some of my very ugly faults to light... .and now I want to deal with them.  We are ALL ugly, human, fault-carrying people... .and I have to decide whether or not I'm gonna hurt or help others.  

Now the key is to find out how to help others and not be codependent, and not empower them to be worse, etc... .but I still desire to be a help and an encouragement!  This will take a lot of learning how to be healthier and more whole in myself (without trying to get another person to "make me whole".  Another thing I realize is although I see how wrong BPD behavior is, and have felt deep hurts unlike I have ever felt before in this BPD r/s... .I don't want to waste my energy/time/moments/breaths/heartbeats blaming uBPDh or looking at his faults anymore... .I want to experience GOOD things... .love, joy, peace, forgiveness, simplicity, calm, authenticity, openness, and to offer these things to others!  How to do it is gonna take lots of prayer, learning, growing, attacking my own faults head-on... .etc... .It's new to me, but I want to try!  

The moments BPD has robbed me of are enough!  I don't want to bow any more moments down to this sickness... or to allow it to control any of ME from this point on... . 
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thereishope
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« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2014, 03:13:16 PM »

I have went out of my way to be kinder to others. I befriended a woman at work who I had been unkind to. I have reconnected with many old friends. I have so much hurt inside that any act of kindness I perform is like letting go of some pain from inside. Be the kindness you wish to see in this world

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2014, 03:34:34 PM »

What a great thread! I do think this suffering is helping me to be a better person as well. I've had a few instances of this that have struck me-- here's one of them. A couple of weeks back,  a woman was sitting by the road holding a little bear. At first I drove past her, but then I thought she looked like she was in trouble/suffering, so I turned back around and asked her if she was okay. She said no, and started to cry. She was hungry and hypoglycemic and had lost a child to a fire her husband had set . She asked for a hug and cried in my arms. Anyway, I think somehow my own struggle with getting over the rs with my BPD ex opened me up to this encounter and others like it somehow. And also perhaps how wonderful this board has been has made me a better person as well-- it has made me learn about how important the comfort & company of strangers can be and how we are all in this boat of life together.
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Compassion14
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« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2014, 04:19:28 PM »

Thereishope... .

"I want to experience GOOD things... .love, joy, peace, forgiveness, simplicity, calm, authenticity, openness, and to offer these things to others!"

I remember wishing for these things too, these simple, simple things - I even asked him for them - spelled out what was missing in our lives; calm and peace and being at ease. I explained that I was exhausted and really just wanted to come home, chat without a hidden agenda on his part, and cuddle. To sleep deeply and just feel at east... .it lasted 12 hours, till his next totally unnecessary insecurity driven, fantasy outburst that blew all hope of peace out the window. Tragic. 

I hope you can find them if you stay.

Hugs,

C14
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thereishope
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« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2014, 04:42:21 PM »

What a great thread! I do think this suffering is helping me to be a better person as well. I've had a few instances of this that have struck me-- here's one of them. A couple of weeks back,  a woman was sitting by the road holding a little bear. At first I drove past her, but then I thought she looked like she was in trouble/suffering, so I turned back around and asked her if she was okay. She said no, and started to cry. She was hungry and hypoglycemic and had lost a child to a fire her husband had set . She asked for a hug and cried in my arms. Anyway, I think somehow my own struggle with getting over the rs with my BPD ex opened me up to this encounter and others like it somehow. And also perhaps how wonderful this board has been has made me a better person as well-- it has made me learn about how important the comfort & company of strangers can be and how we are all in this boat of life together.

kc... .This is worded beautifully... .What a beautiful experience... .I definitely believe hard experiences have opened me up to seeking to encourage and help others... .I had a similar experience the other day with a homeless guy sitting on the side of the road... .I gave him a water bottle, and a few cookies ... .and walked away with a heart that was so full I could physically feel it with something simply RIGHT... .I was seriously happy and invigorated the rest of the day... .There is something very deep and very divine about love and compassion, and spending ourselves for others... .(It also helps when they accept the love and compassion... . )
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thereishope
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« Reply #24 on: September 23, 2014, 04:49:05 PM »

Thereishope... .

"I want to experience GOOD things... .love, joy, peace, forgiveness, simplicity, calm, authenticity, openness, and to offer these things to others!"

I remember wishing for these things too, these simple, simple things - I even asked him for them - spelled out what was missing in our lives; calm and peace and being at ease. I explained that I was exhausted and really just wanted to come home, chat without a hidden agenda on his part, and cuddle. To sleep deeply and just feel at east... .it lasted 12 hours, till his next totally unnecessary insecurity driven, fantasy outburst that blew all hope of peace out the window. Tragic. 

I hope you can find them if you stay.

Hugs,

C14

 

Compassion... .I have experienced the same things, and it has been extremely hurtful and destructive inside my spirit... .I still doubt/wonder if I can experience these things you mention to any degree of fullness here, but one way or the other, I want to choose to experience them... .I think the first part is acknowledging to myself that no other person can give them to me... .It all comes down to letting Christ be my all in all, and then being satisfied in myself with Him and with myself... .Do I know how to do that?  Not at all... .Do I think it's a worthy quest?  Absolutely... .I realize I've spent my life honestly trying to serve myself and provide my life with whatever I think I've needed, often at the expense of others.  This BPD marriage is one result of my selfish quest.  I have a different focus and desire now... .I understand life doesn't exist to serve me... .I want to serve God and serve others now. 

Honestly not sure if it's gonna work or if I'm gonna be able to put up with continuing to do so with uBPDh or not... .Because if he turns again and decides to split and abuse me mentally and verbally again, I don't know how much more of that I can handle.  While I am waiting and seeing, I am trying to become stronger here and now.  It seems to be helping a little... .The journey of life sure is a learning experience! 
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Popcorn71
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« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2014, 05:46:21 PM »

I think that dealing with all the crap that came with the relationship with xBPD makes us more understanding of other people going through a hard time.

Maybe it makes us appreciate good times more too.

I know that I enjoy each day as it comes now.  I know that happiness may not last and that things can change when I least expect it.  The whole experience has made me determined not to waste any more of my life as I feel that I wasted 9 years already.

I'm definately nicer now, party due to less stress and partly because I also appreciate genuine people now.  I am not so wrapped up in that 'one special person'.  I now have time for lots of other special people in my life - people that sadly, I neglected before.
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