Her inability to tell the truth

[tired-of-it-all]

The most frustrating aspect of our relationship, no the most infuriating aspect, is her inability to tell the truth or to admit what actually happened.  I absolutely hate this.  Hate it!  Hate it!  Hate it!  If she could just say, "You are right.  I did that.  I am sorry."  or "I did that.  I was wrong but at least let me explain why."

No way!  I am looking at a blue sky and she says it is pink with orange polka dots.

[Blimblam]

The most frustrating aspect of our relationship, no the most infuriating aspect, is her inability to tell the truth or to admit what actually happened.  I absolutely hate this.  Hate it!  Hate it!  Hate it!  If she could just say, "You are right.  I did that.  I am sorry."  or "I did that.  I was wrong but at least let me explain why."

No way!  I am looking at a blue sky and she says it is pink with orange polka dots.

Man I drove myself crazy with this. What it comes down to is they lie to themselves. As they project their good onto you the corrupt part of them lies to the good part of them. A reflection of their own inner turmoil.

[Hopeless777]

The lies went on forever. And now that I am out of the situation, they only keep building up. I have no idea what I can even say except that it must be a hallmark of BPD.

[thousandyardstare]

My BPDx just wasn't capable of being culpable for the pain that she caused me.  I just assume she couldn't cope with the toxic emotions that she had to deal with on a daily basis.  And she certainly didn't want to give herself anymore reasons to feel bad about herself.  Instead, she would just bury it inside or justify it by explaining to me how it was my fault that she did whatever it was that she did.  And then expect an apology.

I remember one particular recycle, she started growing distant, her interests changed.  I felt uneasy and realized she found some new supply and was keeping me at arms length.  So I focused on my life and school.  After about a month she came back around.  She eventually admitted to sleeping with someone else (after much prodding).  She explained that it was my fault for not being there for her.    And that she expected me to work to fix what I had done if we were going to be together. 

I guess I had to keep hitting my head, hard and repeatedly, to beat it into my thick skull; "She has BPD."

[myself]

Does this count as telling the truth?

My ex admitted she lies.

I believe her.

[bunnysc]

Lies lies and even more lies its crazy. Not only to their partner, but to their family friends etc... .Changing stuff around making you feel guilty of their lying...   They will always be right YOU are the crazy YOU are the liar YOU are the one that needs help.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

My ex wanted to teach me how to lie and manipulate the people around me. She actually bragged about it to me as if it was a life skill i needed to have. Even put me down about how terrible i was at it.

Somehow foolishly thought i was the exception...

[Blimblam]

That was the main reD flag I saw in her early on her lying to a cop so expertly. Her ability and ease of lying was so natural to her.

[Mutt]

My BPDx just wasn't capable of being culpable for the pain that she caused me.  I just assume she couldn't cope with the toxic emotions that she had to deal with on a daily basis.  And she certainly didn't want to give herself anymore reasons to feel bad about herself.  Instead, she would just bury it inside or justify it by explaining to me how it was my fault that she did whatever it was that she did.  And then expect an apology.

It's not about you its about them. The lying (dissociation) is altering their reality to match the pwBPD's out of place feelings. It's because he / she feels bad.

[Popcorn71]

Mine lied constantly but claimed that being honest was so important to him.

Years before I was with him, my ex husband bought a car from my xBPDh. I clearly remember him telling us he was selling his wifes car as she was too I'll to drive anymore. Years later when I was with my xBPDh I told him I remembered this and pointed out that he lied. He denied all memory of it but knew which car it was. He insisted that he would not have said this and blamed my first husband for making it up. But I had heard him myself.

This only one example of many. Yet my ex still claims to be such an honest man!

[Infern0]

You can't ever expect the truth out of them. You may get slight truths or minor admissions of wrongdoing if you are painted white but even then it's very very rare.

As soon as idealisation finishes,  the nonsense begins. You don't see it when in F.O.G but once you get some space and your head begins to clear you can see that all along they were like this, blaming everyone else for everything. At the time you just think well she must be right surely. Even when it can't possibly be true you chalk it up to a misunderstanding.

I've had conversation with mine since I got away and they are hilarious and sad. It's almost unbelievable the way they disassociate themselves from ANY wrongdoing.

"It's your fault I destroyed you because you proved you couldn't be there for me"

"I was trying to help you"

"I don't know why I'm getting blamed"

If I didn't know she was BPD I'd laugh in her face. But I've somehow quantified it and put it down to the disorder.  It's really really sad and you think of it these people will likely never have any real happiness in their lives,  they will ruin all good souls who folly to come too close.  They are living in hell and in many cases it's because of horrible childhoods full of abuse etc.

I've let go of the anger I had and that's been my closure. She needs real help but won't get it and so the cycle continues.  Her life from the outside is a hilarious joke,  everyone ruthlessly mocks her, shes either ignored or disliked by 99% of people (we are the 1%) but if you are in their life  it's a horror story.  We all got to spend a chapter in said story but we are not the whole book, they are.

[goldylamont]

the scariest thing for me is that i never thought of my ex as being dishonest or lying until after our r/s was over, and we were together for years. i knew she could be volatile and felt she was unfair, but i never thought she could lie so easily or actually take pleasure in other people's pain.

i remember the first lie i ever recognized was actually after we broke up, and she was talking to her mom on the phone telling her about how great her new bf was and how they met (of course with me in the room hating every minute). but i overheard her say that she met her bf while walking dogs... .but she told me she met him at a bar. this was an insignificant lie, but i was just astounded by how confident, happy and easygoing she was about it. and she said this to her mom while being happy and on good terms with her. so, it was this little white lie that planted the seed of doubt in my head and i started to look at her differently from that point on. i realized if she could lie to her MOTHER this easily then i didn't matter at all. it took over a year before the whole facade fell and for me it was unbelievable how much she lied.

how much did she lie while in the r/s? i'll never know... .

[imstronghere2]

They are pathological and the lies flow out them like water out of a faucet.  If they tell you it's raining,  you damn well better walk outside to see if you get wet.

When mine was in the psych ward (which I got blamed for but I'll come back to that) I found pictures on her phone and confronted her about them, to which she looked me in the eyes with that smile on her face and denied everything.  Of course.

I said to her "Just tell me the truth.  I already know what the truth is.  I know it the way I know the floor is brown, the walls are white and the ceiling has lights in it."   She continued to look me in the eyes, smile and deny, deny, deny. 

About a week after she got out of the hospital (which was only about a month after moving out of our home), she said she would "never forgive me for putting her in there".



Excuse me but I wasn't the one who cut my wrist and swallowed an entire bottle of pain pills.  And oh yeah, you signed YOURSELF into the hospital.  Wasn't my signature.  So how is that MY fault again? 

Same old, same old.  Take NO responsibility for her own behavior and blame me for everything.

Well, not anymore.  I'm out and damn glad for it.