Very Confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I spoke to my ex a few weeks ago (you can read my small story in my last post if you are interested. I calmly explained to her why we couldnt be together. I told her I couldnt be with someone who doesnt emotionally or financially invest in a relationship, who drinks to excess 3-4 nights a week, who lies and i only hear from her when she is drunk and lonely (or her bf pisses her off), and that uses me as a security blanket and has the emotional maturity of 22 year old in her early 30's.

Her response: "Have a nice ___ing life".

So my confusion is this... .Why does a very calm conversation turn so harsh and dramatic?

I'm more than likely 1/3 guys and given we were engaged I shouldnt be an option, so why am I? And at times I feel as though she doesnt want me to be with anyone but doesnt want to be with me? But the contrary arguement is, BPD's, wanters of un obtainable?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

So, that should be the last hearing from her forever, hopefully.

[Oh_Help]

I spoke to my ex a few weeks ago (you can read my small story in my last post if you are interested. I calmly explained to her why we couldnt be together. I told her I couldnt be with someone who doesnt emotionally or financially invest in a relationship, who drinks to excess 3-4 nights a week, who lies and i only hear from her when she is drunk and lonely (or her bf pisses her off), and that uses me as a security blanket and has the emotional maturity of 22 year old in her early 30's.

Her response: "Have a nice ___ing life".

So my confusion is this... .Why does a very calm conversation turn so harsh and dramatic?

I'm more than likely 1/3 guys and given we were engaged I shouldnt be an option, so why am I? And at times I feel as though she doesnt want me to be with anyone but doesnt want to be with me? But the contrary arguement is, BPD's, wanters of un obtainable?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

So, that should be the last hearing from her forever, hopefully.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Oh_Help,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you are definitely not the only one feeling this way.  I remember how confused and hurt I was after breaking up with pwBPD.  With time, information, and recovery work, things will get a lot better, they really will.  

It sounds like push/pull dynamics in your post-breakup communications, and that is typical with BPD. It's completely normal to seek to understand what is happening and why. The answers, however, may not always be satisfying, or give the closure that so many of us seek in the early stages. These behaviors are part of your ex's conditioning, and if she has BPD, they most likely will not change without a significant investment in long-term therapy.

There are so many resources here that can help, besides the great support from members.  One article that was an absolute game changer for me is this one:

Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it. I'd love to hear what you think.

How are you taking care of yourself during this difficult time, Oh_Help?  :)o you have supportive friends and family around you?  Eight years is a long time—I hope you are being gentle with yourself and getting enough sleep, exercise, social time, etc.

Keep posting, we're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Oh_Help]

Thank You very much for the reply.

I'm doing great. I guess I've been through it so many times

I can just tune it out. I havent heard from her in about 3-4 weeks

Normally she only calls when she is drunk and lonely. I just

Ignore it and blocking her doesnt help because it just makes

her try more.

Normally I dont hear from her because she has other men waiting

in line to date her. Kudos to them.

I'm curious, did your partner have these behaviors?

I've never reached out to her when we havent been together

It's always her to me. I find that odd when she is seeing other

people.

Hopefully this will be the end of contact but who knows. Ive said that

Before and she creeps up again.

[heartandwhole]

I'm curious, did your partner have these behaviors?

Yes, the pwBPD I was involved with reached out to me after a long silence (I had asked for NC to heal). I didn't expect to hear from him, and didn't respond. He was with someone else at the time, and they are now married. 

I'm glad you are doing well. It takes strength to stay the course, and it sounds like you are doing that. 

[Oh_Help]

Thank you for the correspondence. I was doing great until last night.

I ran into her when she was with another man. That is the part that doesnt bother me.

What bothered me was she saw me. Stopped, stared (could see her out of the corner of my eye) and left immediately leaving her man in tow. Funny, last time I ignored her she was angry because I wasnt cordial, yet she cant be to me?

I dont understand what the little 'storm out' was about? I was hoping not

To run into her as 'out of sight out mind' applies to BPD.  I kinda feel bad for the guy to be honest. 'My date had to leave because her ex foance was at the same bar'. Yikes!

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thank you for the correspondence. I was doing great until last night.

I ran into her when she was with another man. That is the part that doesnt bother me.

What bothered me was she saw me. Stopped, stared (could see her out of the corner of my eye) and left immediately leaving her man in tow. Funny, last time I ignored her she was angry because I wasnt cordial, yet she cant be to me?

I dont understand what the little 'storm out' was about? I was hoping not

To run into her as 'out of sight out mind' applies to BPD.  I kinda feel bad for the guy to be honest. 'My date had to leave because her ex foance was at the same bar'. Yikes!

She probably stared because it was like seeing a ghost due to her object constancy, you dont exist unless she is reminded or has a need. As for cordiality remember youre set to a higher standard and she can set the bar but doesnt have to meet it because its all about her and how she feels in that moment.

You probably triggered her as she feels shame and guilt now that you guys are on bad terms essentially due to her inability to communicate and maintain any kind of a relationship with you then going as far to tell you off for her fault. And yeah i wouldnt feel sorry for the dude if anything maybe itll be enough of a    to get out now. But more than likely not shell just lie and distort to make you out to be some abusive tyrant and how she left because she was "scared of you". Lather rinse repeat.

[Infern0]

"She doesn't want me to be with anyone but doesn't want to be with me"

Oh boy I know that feeling.

I got asked to wait and we would "get together when it's time"

"I want to be with you but I can't leave replacement"

"You make me happy,  but happiness scares me"

And so on and so forth.

Of course if I so much as mentioned a girl I was spending time with while BPD was trying to crowbar me into her friendzone dungeon I got told "she's no good for you" or my personal favorite "the fact you can move on so quickly proves to me that you never loved me"

When you are still deep in FOG this gaslighting just gets you so bad.

If you CAN get NC do it, honestly do it.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

while BPD was trying to crowbar me into her friendzone dungeon

Infern0 i wonder if the friendzone dungeon has a holding limit... ?

[Infern0]

while BPD was trying to crowbar me into her friendzone dungeon

Infern0 i wonder if the friendzone dungeon has a holding limit... ?

It's hideous in there.  There's like 3 or 4 guys that have been in there for years just waiting to be let out on day release if one of her "mains" are unavailable.  I was like there's no way I'm going in there,  I ran for the hills dignity intact.

I feel sorry for those poor souls who have gotten trapped in there and don't even know what has happened to them.

[Mr Hollande]

while BPD was trying to crowbar me into her friendzone dungeon

Infern0 i wonder if the friendzone dungeon has a holding limit... ?

It's hideous in there.  There's like 3 or 4 guys that have been in there for years just waiting to be let out on day release if one of her "mains" are unavailable.  I was like there's no way I'm going in there,  I ran for the hills dignity intact.

I feel sorry for those poor souls who have gotten trapped in there and don't even know what has happened to them.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

while BPD was trying to crowbar me into her friendzone dungeon

Infern0 i wonder if the friendzone dungeon has a holding limit... ?

It's hideous in there.  There's like 3 or 4 guys that have been in there for years just waiting to be let out on day release if one of her "mains" are unavailable.  I was like there's no way I'm going in there,  I ran for the hills dignity intact.

I feel sorry for those poor souls who have gotten trapped in there and don't even know what has happened to them.

I literally laughed for like 2 minutes straight reading your description Infern0 then Mr Hollande's perfect proceeding response. I needed that. Thanks guys. 

But in all seriousness the friendzone dungeon is a torture chamber no man should unknowingly suffer. Its no joke. Hell hath no fury like a BPD needing supply.

[Oh_Help]

Thank you all for posting.

I don't do 'friend zone'. It's either you get it together and be with me or not. I've been clear about that.

I am in no contact. I loterally ignored her entire presence, minus seeing her when I forst walked in.

I havent recieved a text in weeks. Normally i do every so often, a few months or weeks or whatever. Hopefully this time it will be silence.

I just can't be with a woman who is in her 30's, drinks every other night, lives w her folks and pays for nothing (brand new car included). Also, with a clear 20 year old mentality. Let's not forget the lies and manipulation.

How on earth could I/would I want to raise a family with someone like that? She's ready for kids and she can't take care of herself? I refuse to put my 'potential future' children through a life like that. It's absurd for her to think that's ok.

[blissful_camper]

Friend-zone is a form of carrot dangling.  The goal is to keep the ex-partner in limbo, waiting.  That carrot dangling as we know is also aimed at the current partner, and it's effective until the partner wakes up and walks. 

"Why does a very calm conversation turn so harsh and dramatic?"

Because you weren't playing along.  You weren't telling her what she wants to hear.  You're making it clear to her that you're not an option, and that you're living your life on your terms.  That triggered her and there she went into protector mode in scary-zone.  She prefers fantasy.  You happen to be someone she plugs into her fantasy script, someone she can call when she's lonely or in need.  (The reality check shattered her fantasy to smithereens)

I did myself a big favor recently.  I was due for a new phone and when I got it, I changed my phone number.  It was long overdue and an important step in my healing and moving forward. 

Have you considered changing your phone number?   

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's nearly impossible to make sense of behavior that makes no sense.  As you move forward, and with more space and time to yourself, you'll find clarity and with that comes peace-of-mind.  Keep posting.  The folks on the forum are awesome!   

[Oh_Help]

Thank you. In a way I put myself in this position giving her another chance.

It was my decision so i can't fault just her. I made the conscious choice to bring her back in my life and the result was the same.

I just don't want my child growing up like she did. Father was push/pull; 'Honey I love you i'll be there' and he wouldnt show. It also doesnt help she can't maintain an adult lifestyle and her mother just gives into her. These are the biggests reason I stay away. How can you buikd a healthy, ADULT, relationship with someone like that. Answer, you cant.

8 years together is a long time and I know BPD individuals or peaple with characteristics of the disease have a hard time letting go. It's very weird. Like I said, I hope she leaves me alone (i have considered changing my phone number) but everytime I say that she doesnt. I read a few posts on here and it seems the recycling or attempts go on for a while, as in years, with lulls in between.

Does anyone else feel like when you are at peace with it or you're ok, they attempt another contact?

[Oh_Help]

Oh... .And is it just me but the less you want this type of individual the more they want you? Like it's a challenge?

[Mutt]

Oh... .And is it just me but the less you want this type of individual the more they want you? Like it's a challenge?

From my experience it's not for a challenge with the pwBPD in my life. Perhaps she needs soothing or rescuing. It's for her and she has a distorted belief system. It's difficult to understand from a disordered perspective. I let it go and take care of me.

[Blimblam]

They want 1 guys who mistreats them and uses them and they want a few friend zone guys that will get their turn 1 day. And they want a few exs in rotation on comand. The bottom line is they are not relationship material.

I hope you create the space you need for yourself to heal.  Please be kind to yourself.

[Oh_Help]

Sounds very terrible... .Makes sense now that I think anout it. My ex had so much drama... Always. I also understand why shes had many groups of 'friends that seem to get replaced because they 'hurt' her.