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Author Topic: You love me more than I love you?  (Read 2020 times)
Flora73
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« on: September 19, 2014, 09:49:36 PM »

Hi All,

Could I get some opinions on the statement.

Was made by my exBPDgf when dissociated: You love me more than I love you

I know that: "I love you" basically means "I need you to love me"

Many thanks

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blissful_camper
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2014, 11:58:56 PM »

Hi All,

Could I get some opinions on the statement.

Was made by my exBPDgf when dissociated: You love me more than I love you

I know that: "I love you" basically means "I need you to love me"

Many thanks

I'll give it a whirl. 

(You love me more than I love you)

-- "You need me to love you more than I need you to love me." 

-- Need equals love.  "You need me more than I need you."

-- Projection.  "I love you more than you love me." or "I need you to love me more than you need me to love you."

-- Or, what she said is what she meant at that moment. 

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Flora73
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2014, 12:03:47 AM »

Thank you BC

This is appreciated and makes sense 
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2014, 12:15:57 AM »

You're welcome!

Remember that it was the disorder talking.  It's a childish thing to say, and I can think of other less harmful ways of conveying how one feels.   

My ex made some pretty strange statements about 'I love you.'  During the r/s I struggled to figure out what he meant.  After the r/s I still struggled with it.  (What did that mean?)  14 months out, it's no longer a struggle and I don't want to know.  What I do know is that it made little sense.  Hope that helps. 
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Flora73
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2014, 12:21:19 AM »

Thank you BC

It was her parting shots along with: I don't need to be with you every night... .which I guess meant you need me more than I need you.

I want respond to calls, emails or texts.

And... .I don't want to be friends... .

TOTAL SHUT OUT... . 

Very sad but your right.
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2014, 12:32:52 AM »

It's devaluation.  It stings.  It's lousy.  What a lousy way to end an r/s.  

Healthy, compassionate people with a sense of self-responsibility end relationships differently.  It doesn't get mean.  

Hang on to that.  Her parting shots speak volumes about her, not you.  

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Flora73
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2014, 12:44:54 AM »

Thanks BC!

I know its all so true 

I forgot though the one that really ripped me... .

Think it though had a hidden meaning: I want to be with someone every night... .



Gosh... .I took that as a summary of the whole conversation 
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2014, 01:38:47 AM »

My ex ran around in circles second guessing just about everything in his life, but in the end he went back to what he knows and what is familiar to him.  (Abusive relationships with women who dominate him, restrict his activities, and who have alcohol or drug addictions) That's his comfort zone.  I suspect that his mother was abusive, dominating, restricted his activities, and had issues with alcohol.  

When he was in an r/s with me, I imagine it was uncomfortable for him, because he didn't experience the familiar with me.  I bet it felt pretty foreign to him.  

Your ex saying "I want to be with someone every night" is her comfort zone.  

I understand the need to make sense of what you experienced.  It's traumatic, and we're often left with no answers or explanations.  At some point you just have to let go of the words that are echoing in your mind, and kinda toss it out of your space.  It's their stuff.  Not yours to deal with.  Then channel all of that energy that you're using to figure her out, and redirect that at yourself so you can move forward and heal.  
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Flora73
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2014, 02:10:25 AM »

Thank you BC,

What do you mean by "comfort zone"?

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blissful_camper
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2014, 11:32:03 AM »

My definition of comfort zone is one is attracted to relationships that are familiar in that they resemble persons and experiences from one's FOO. 

Examples: 

My ex's mother was emotionally distant.  She withheld love, and validation from her children.  She seemed to be a dominating woman, controlling, and placed a lot of value on public image.  I suspect that she raged.  She didn't express affection for her children physically or verbally.  She was emotionally abusive.  Her household was dramatic and chaotic.  It was a high-conflict environment.  I suspect she was alcoholic.  She had no boundaries.  She seemed to lack a moral compass. She was a pathological liar, and raised her children to believe that dishonesty was acceptable behavior.  She was opaque.  She hid things that she felt would 'damage' her family's public image.  She was vindictive.  She engaged in gossip and smear campaigns.  I suspect that she taught/trained her children to not discuss their feelings.  She had trust issues. 

My ex mimics her behavior in both his professional and personal life.  Public image is important to him, and he won't hesitate to lie in order to protect his public image. He seeks women-partners who are abusive and dominating.  They like to fight.  Those women engage in high-conflict, and drama, contributing to sustaining a chaotic relationship environment.  They are alcoholic, or have drug problems.  That's my ex's comfort zone.  He is replaying his familial environment.  In those relationships, he repeats with his partners what he experienced with his mother.  (Withholding, silent treatment, verbal abuse, and so on) He engages in that behavior and so do his partners.  He is sober and a recovering drug addict.  (Sober for nearly 20 years)  Yet he selects women who aren't sober.  He wants his relationship with his partners to be the center of their world.  He wants their focus on him, and their relationship with him.  He wants a woman who is emotionally and financially dependent on him. 

I don't fit the criteria (the type of woman he prefers) described above.  However, I entered a relationship with him due to my own FOO issues.  I'm most like my mother.  My mother is a caretaker and a peacekeeper.  She doesn't fear expressing her boundaries, but her boundaries are soft in that she doesn't enforce her boundaries.  She has a huge heart for those who are troubled and suffering.  She is patient, compassionate, and calm.  She is communicative and a good listener.  My father is an alcoholic and was emotionally/verbally abusive towards her, and his children.  Rather than exit the marriage, my mother tried to make it work.  She believed that love, and compassion were the solutions to her troubled family life. 

I entered the relationship with my ex because it was my comfort zone.  It was familiar to me.  However, I was at a point in my life where I would not tolerate abuse.  Not like my mother did.  I attempted to show my ex love, compassion, and patience (just like my mother had with my father) but his abuse continued, and eventually worsened.   My ex needed me to behave in a certain way to replay his FOO environment, and I didn't comply.  He increased his abuse in an effort to make me react.  He needed me to abuse him back.  He needed me to contribute to creating chaos, drama, and high conflict.  That wasn't my way.  I defuse conflict.  I'm assertive and confident, but I don't dominate others.  I don't drink (because my father is alcoholic), and I don't do drugs.  I don't yell in conflict situations.  I prefer honest communication that resolves conflict.  I don't withhold love, validation, and affection.  I don't punish others.  I'm independent, and I have a career of my own.  He was out of his comfort zone with me.  He called me the stable one in our relationship.  He told me that he became involved with me because he hoped my 'healthy' would rub off on him.  (He was making his issues my responsibility)  The relationship came to an end because I refused to engage in the dynamic that he brought to the table.  I left the relationship because he was abusive.  (Leaving him meant that I did what my mother didn't do)

That relationship was my rock bottom.  Now I'm wide awake, and I'm working very hard to get healthy so that I can have a healthy relationship when I meet the right person.  Until then, I'm quite happy going solo. 

I hope that my description of the comfort zone makes sense.





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Flora73
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« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2014, 10:48:59 PM »

Thank you BC.

This makes a lot of sense, as her FOO is quiet dysfunctional and she is a replica of her farther.

She was given 6 years of the silent treatment when she was 16 for sneaking out the window to go to a party... .so you can imagine the rest growing up.

If she ever was scared she was berated and told to harden up... .

I called her today and asked if there was away forward as I do care about her.

She said I wasn't ready yet and didn't want to be friends.

Ready to be friends? nope because she said she didn't want to be friends?

So confusing 

Some how I feel my love is being tested... .90 days tomorrow?
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Gimme Peace
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« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2014, 10:09:12 AM »

My definition of comfort zone is one is attracted to relationships that are familiar in that they resemble persons and experiences from one's FOO. 

Examples: 

My ex's mother was emotionally distant.  She withheld love, and validation from her children.  She seemed to be a dominating woman, controlling, and placed a lot of value on public image.  I suspect that she raged.  She didn't express affection for her children physically or verbally.  She was emotionally abusive.  Her household was dramatic and chaotic.  It was a high-conflict environment.  I suspect she was alcoholic.  She had no boundaries.  She seemed to lack a moral compass. She was a pathological liar, and raised her children to believe that dishonesty was acceptable behavior.  She was opaque.  She hid things that she felt would 'damage' her family's public image.  She was vindictive.  She engaged in gossip and smear campaigns.  I suspect that she taught/trained her children to not discuss their feelings.  She had trust issues. 

My ex mimics her behavior in both his professional and personal life.  Public image is important to him, and he won't hesitate to lie in order to protect his public image. He seeks women-partners who are abusive and dominating.  They like to fight.  Those women engage in high-conflict, and drama, contributing to sustaining a chaotic relationship environment.  They are alcoholic, or have drug problems.  That's my ex's comfort zone.  He is replaying his familial environment.  In those relationships, he repeats with his partners what he experienced with his mother.  (Withholding, silent treatment, verbal abuse, and so on) He engages in that behavior and so do his partners.  He is sober and a recovering drug addict.  (Sober for nearly 20 years)  Yet he selects women who aren't sober.  He wants his relationship with his partners to be the center of their world.  He wants their focus on him, and their relationship with him.  He wants a woman who is emotionally and financially dependent on him. 

My stbxBPDh's FOO experience was oppressed. His mother is extremely non-confrontational, refuses to listen to things she doesn't want to hear by putting her fingers in her ears and saying "lalalalala" until the person stops talking. Everything has to "be nice". She tells everyone that her son "is perfect and has never gotten in trouble" (unrealistic). His father left his mother right after moving the entire family out of state, for a woman at his office. He married her and then cut off ties with his children and their mother, while he started a new family in the same small town they all lived in. My H has emotionally blocked this out and has very little memory of it. He doesn't think any of it affected him, even though he is very adept at emotional abandonment.

My H likes to keep the drama going (via passive aggressive behavior, denial, gaslighting, you name it), while proclaiming that he "hates conflict". Any conflict is never because of him, it's always their (usually me) fault.


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Bak86
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« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2014, 10:53:44 AM »

Mine would make contradicting claims. When i said "I love you" she told me: "I don't know what love is". Later on after the breakup she said she simply didn't have strong feelings for me and that she never reached the "I love you" stage. I think she did love me, but in an idealization kind of way.
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2014, 12:14:56 PM »

Mine would make contradicting claims. When i said "I love you" she told me: "I don't know what love is". Later on after the breakup she said she simply didn't have strong feelings for me and that she never reached the "I love you" stage. I think she did love me, but in an idealization kind of way.

I'm just speculating here, but maybe depth of 'love' is measured by intensity.  In an intense (dramatic/volatile) r/s the pwBPD translates that to mean 'love.'  It's emotionally charged.  Break up, make up, push-pull, acting out, and so on. 

My ex is likely much 'happier' with a partner who will help facilitate his replaying FOO events and experiences.   
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