Attachment Disorder

[Waifed]

Isn't it ironic that people say BPD is an attachment disorder yet most of us on here are having a very difficult time detaching ourselves. Maybe we are hypocrites. My ex detached from me pretty easily it seems. A year later and I am still detaching. 

[hurting300]

Yes I agree with you on that. Mine detached seemingly over night. Five months later nothing but silence. It's crazy. She has stalked me some though... I've always heard they don't ever fully detach.

[Waifed]

Yes I agree with you on that. Mine detached seemingly over night. Five months later nothing but silence. It's crazy. She has stalked me some though... I've always heard they don't ever fully detach.

I will say my ex always talked about her exes and towards the end of our 3 year nightmare she was in contact with her previous ex but I don't think he bit on it but I didn't stick around to find out. I haven't tried to contact her either but detaching has been difficult.

[hurting300]

My ex talked about one Of hers, oddly when I left her she started talking to him again then she left him and started talking to me again then he ended up dead. I'll always think she played a part in it. But you know, she always said she never kept up with exes but yet she knew so much about them . Pure crazy.

[Waifed]

My ex talked about one Of hers, oddly when I left her she started talking to him again then she left him and started talking to me again then he ended up dead. I'll always think she played a part in it. But you know, she always said she never kept up with exes but yet she knew so much about them . Pure crazy.

mine said and did the same

[KeepOnGoing]

Isn't it ironic that people say BPD is an attachment disorder yet most of us on here are having a very difficult time detaching ourselves. Maybe we are hypocrites. My ex detached from me pretty easily it seems. A year later and I am still detaching. 

Yep, we have a detachment disorder alright. At least I do. The funny thing is, I am realizing that she gave me a lot of cues and clues that let me know that she was trying to detach all along. I just didn't pay attention because I wanted to see what I wanted to see. The quicker we erase them from our lives and get interested in other things, the quicker we detach. I think it just ticks me off that I still think about her every day. It also breaks my heart that I have to find a way to get angry to move on. I don't really want to be angry at her. I want to look at my part. Problem is, I find myself just spiraling into feeling despair and shame.

[tim_tom]

Isn't it ironic that people say BPD is an attachment disorder yet most of us on here are having a very difficult time detaching ourselves. Maybe we are hypocrites. My ex detached from me pretty easily it seems. A year later and I am still detaching. 

Yeah, I posted this in some other thread. But in all of this, I am not sure how she is the one with the PD

6 weeks post BU

-- I am on this board most of the day

-- I am depressed and pining for her

-- I think about her all day every day

She had moved on and is almost certainly with someone else... .

But I am the healthy one?... I'll take some BPD if it allowed me to just move on

[Blimblam]

I started to look up projective identification online. Which is the borderlines MO. Basically it implies through a psychic connection what they project into us is nearly impossible to avoid so basically the more empathy you posses as the deeper the bond the

More you get hurt.  That they don't even have to say anything to make the projections and we get stuck processing their pain.  The information seems to be aimed at therapists about if they get too close the pd person will use unavoidable mind control.  Lol we made soulmate bonds what chance did we have b

[hurting300]

They think about us trust me. No way do they totally forget. The day mine disappeared she had sex with me and cleaned my house and washed my clothes. She left on a good note.

[blissful_camper]

The difference is they run from pain, we don't.  We are processing what we experienced.  That takes strength, courage, and maturity.  

They may find temporary relief in new relationships.  (Anything that will distract and take the pain away)  But guess what?  When pain isn't processed, it builds, and pretty soon you have a person who has decades-old pain, layer upon layer that they carry with them every single day.  

I saw the cumulative effects in my ex.  :)ecades of pain, shame, humiliation, low self-esteem - you name it, he had it.  I can't begin to imagine what it's like living that way.  He experienced short spurts of 'happiness' but the misery, anger, and those layers of pain inevitably bubbled to the surface, every day. He had not detached from former relationships. He was still very much attached to his past.

We're all taking the right steps to move forward.  Process at your own pace, and heal.  

[findingmyselfagain]

It's been almost four years for me... .and I still scratch my head almost daily. I'm not sure anyone just "falls in love" with a pwBPD. There are so many layers. I was naive, and really wanted a relationship. Not a great relationship with my mother or father. As an adult, I now believe my father did the best he could to handle a difficult marriage. A not so nice dynamic is something I used to be comfortable with.

I believed I was in love with my "soulmate." I wondered at the arguments and tantrums I couldn't figure out but it didn't seem impossible to deal with compared to the love bombs. I think the more we loved them and project that depth of love on them, then the harder it is to detach from our feelings about them. I don't want to get back with mine any more. My compassion is healthier now. My boundaries are stronger. Luckily I'm 35 y/o and didn't marry my former fiance, so I have plenty of time to find something healthy or to be a healthy single.

[mitchell16]

this time around im having less problems detaching maybe cause prior to this last recycle we had already been split up for about 8 months. I allowed the recycle but i dont think I allowed myself to get full attached cause I knew what was coming, been there before, over and over. So even though I jumped back in after 8 month apart I wanted to believe it would work but in my mind I knew itw as just a matter of time. So I think i didnt let her sink the hooks all the way in.  Right Now i find myself thinking less and less about her. I no longer care if she is involved with my replacement. I not happy for her or sad for her or really angry like I was. Ive reached a point where I really dont care one way or the other.

[tim_tom]

The difference is they run from pain, we don't.  We are processing what we experienced.  That takes strength, courage, and maturity.  

They may find temporary relief in new relationships.  (Anything that will distract and take the pain away)  But guess what?  When pain isn't processed, it builds, and pretty soon you have a person who has decades-old pain, layer upon layer that they carry with them every single day.  

I saw the cumulative effects in my ex.  :)ecades of pain, shame, humiliation, low self-esteem - you name it, he had it.  I can't begin to imagine what it's like living that way.  He experienced short spurts of 'happiness' but the misery, anger, and those layers of pain inevitably bubbled to the surface, every day. He had not detached from former relationships. He was still very much attached to his past.

We're all taking the right steps to move forward.  Process at your own pace, and heal.  

Man, I hope you are right.

Doesn't feel like it now

[drummerboy]

It's also worth reading up on "Limbic connection/transference/revision/" It helps explain what is going on in the brain when we are having trouble letting go of someone.

I started to look up projective identification online. Which is the borderlines MO. Basically it implies through a psychic connection what they project into us is nearly impossible to avoid so basically the more empathy you posses as the deeper the bond the

More you get hurt.  That they don't even have to say anything to make the projections and we get stuck processing their pain.  The information seems to be aimed at therapists about if they get too close the pd person will use unavoidable mind control.  Lol we made soulmate bonds what chance did we have b

[blissful_camper]

The difference is they run from pain, we don't.  We are processing what we experienced.  That takes strength, courage, and maturity.  

They may find temporary relief in new relationships.  (Anything that will distract and take the pain away)  But guess what?  When pain isn't processed, it builds, and pretty soon you have a person who has decades-old pain, layer upon layer that they carry with them every single day.  

I saw the cumulative effects in my ex.  :)ecades of pain, shame, humiliation, low self-esteem - you name it, he had it.  I can't begin to imagine what it's like living that way.  He experienced short spurts of 'happiness' but the misery, anger, and those layers of pain inevitably bubbled to the surface, every day. He had not detached from former relationships. He was still very much attached to his past.

We're all taking the right steps to move forward.  Process at your own pace, and heal.  

Man, I hope you are right.

Doesn't feel like it now

You're 6 weeks post b/u?  The breakup is still recent.  Give yourself time.  What you're going through is normal.  I was a mess at 6 weeks, and wondered if I'd snap out of it.  (I did)  You'll get there too.  Hang in there.  

[Tolou]

hurting 300... .

You cant make this stuff up... .sex, cleaned then dissapeared... .

smh.

[hurting300]

She did to leave doors open i feel it...

[JohnLove]

^^^  There's that "psychic" connection right there!.

[hurting300]

Hahaha! Yeah I know right. It's confusing as to why she choose that way out. I mean that's the only reason I can think of.

[camuse]

The difference is they run from pain, we don't.  We are processing what we experienced.  That takes strength, courage, and maturity.  

They may find temporary relief in new relationships.  (Anything that will distract and take the pain away)  But guess what?  When pain isn't processed, it builds, and pretty soon you have a person who has decades-old pain, layer upon layer that they carry with them every single day.  

I saw the cumulative effects in my ex.  :)ecades of pain, shame, humiliation, low self-esteem - you name it, he had it.  I can't begin to imagine what it's like living that way.  He experienced short spurts of 'happiness' but the misery, anger, and those layers of pain inevitably bubbled to the surface, every day. He had not detached from former relationships. He was still very much attached to his past.

We're all taking the right steps to move forward.  Process at your own pace, and heal.  

Man, I hope you are right.

Doesn't feel like it now

He is right. I still have a feeling of "it's not fair" how she just moved on, and I'm still recovering. But that's not accurate. They just stuff their pain away and distract themselves.

Mine talked constantly about her exes - usually negatively, sometimes positively. She'll be talking about me - probably very negatively still, but when the replacement screws up in her mind, she'll get that sad look in her eyes for a moment and remember what she did. I saw the look when she talked about the last one, she even once admitted she felt guilt at how she'd wasted the ex's life by just walking out for no reason.

It feels like they move on, but really they do the total opposite.

[Moselle]

I don't find it strange at all, that we find it difficult to detach. We are polar opposites. The attraction is equal and opposite.

I believe the detachment looks very different. For them they seem oblivious, and seem to move on in an instant. But they don't, they are acting and they are very good at hiding the deep pain they feel. It doesn't mean it is any less painful. In fact knowing about the heightened pain they feel, perhaps it is even worse for them.

It lookls different for us, depression, anxiety, distractedness but perhaps its because we are honest about what we feel. I believe we are also better able to make healthy choices because of this honesty.

[tim_tom]

Hahaha! Yeah I know right. It's confusing as to why she choose that way out. I mean that's the only reason I can think of.

Her way of saying sorry?

[tim_tom]

I don't find it strange at all, that we find it difficult to detach. We are polar opposites. The attraction is equal and opposite.

I believe the detachment looks very different. For them they seem oblivious, and seem to move on in an instant. But they don't, they are acting and they are very good at hiding the deep pain they feel. It doesn't mean it is any less painful. In fact knowing about the heightened pain they feel, perhaps it is even worse for them.

It lookls different for us, depression, anxiety, distractedness but perhaps its because we are honest about what we feel. I believe we are also better able to make healthy choices because of this honesty.

That may be true, but when I think about how short our life is, and how much time I've already wasted on this person. It really sucks to think about throwing away another 6 months on them.

And maybe they feel the pain, but assuming they are getting into another BPD type experience, they are in the throws of the honeymoon phase while we are wallowing... and who knows, maybe this guy will be the guy that makes her happy.

My T said to me that she will find someone that works for her, and I believe it. Someone who ticks all the right boxes, and somehow can manage her craziness without falling apart

[Blimblam]

I don't find it strange at all, that we find it difficult to detach. We are polar opposites. The attraction is equal and opposite.

I believe the detachment looks very different. For them they seem oblivious, and seem to move on in an instant. But they don't, they are acting and they are very good at hiding the deep pain they feel. It doesn't mean it is any less painful. In fact knowing about the heightened pain they feel, perhaps it is even worse for them.

It lookls different for us, depression, anxiety, distractedness but perhaps its because we are honest about what we feel. I believe we are also better able to make healthy choices because of this honesty.

That may be true, but when I think about how short our life is, and how much time I've already wasted on this person. It really sucks to think about throwing away another 6 months on them.

And maybe they feel the pain, but assuming they are getting into another BPD type experience, they are in the throws of the honeymoon phase while we are wallowing... and who knows, maybe this guy will be the guy that makes her happy.

My T said to me that she will find someone that works for her, and I believe it. Someone who ticks all the right boxes, and somehow can manage her craziness without falling apart

Really your t said that?   That statement at the same time makes me feel like a failure and hopefull but regretfully how in pushed her away.

[antjs]

BPDs can not get better without therapy. go to the staying board and read the threads. the only way to remain in a r\s with a BPD is to be indifferent and detach. so a r\s where you are not honest, you are dissociated and you have to parent a child when his\her tantrums erupt. what kind of r\s is this ? yes you can "maintain" a r\s with a pwBPD for some time but where is your self-worth ? is it better that way or is it better to be in a calm relaxing life alone ? and btw even those nons learning techniques to handle the triggers guess what ? still their SO walk away abruptly. and guess how would you feel if you tried harder and "contained" him\her while they are raising the ant and then they walk away ? you would feel more shame and guilt projected on you and you would believe it. go to the main page of the boards and see how many posts are there in each category (the leaving board has the highest number of posts and that tells a lot).

[tim_tom]

Really your t said that?   That statement at the same time makes me feel like a failure and hopefull but regretfully how in pushed her away.

Yes she did. I was not happy to hear it...  at all... Much happier to imagine her bouncing from one unhappy relationship to the next

It's something I struggle a lot with processing.

Assuming that she hasn't learned anything from it, which given what I read about BPD, is very likely. If her next relationship follows the pattern of ours (and what I know about her previous ones), then she will be pushing for marriage quickly. If the next guy, succumbs and marry's her within 6-8 months, then the chances of him being the right one are very small... .he'll just be the next guy she met that she became infatuated with

Now... so the question is ... what role will marriage play here? I often wonder in my post breakup FOG, maybe if I'd just married her, all the of the insecurity she felt would've been mitigated and possibly we could've been happy. She was and is a great girl in a lot of ways, just one with significant emotional issues. Most here seem to think no, it would've only gotten worse. And I can understand the wisdom in that, she was always on to the next desire she had to have, whether it be a new kitchen or a vacation. Never satisfied.  On the flip side... maybe the commitment of marriage will force her to work on her issues, rather then run to the next supply. Divorce is also a big no no with her family and culture, so there'd be some pressures there. If she would acknowledge the issues, I have no doubt she could be helped. But even the concept of therapy being brought up for anything  would incite rage "I AM NOT CRAZY! DON"T CALL ME CRAZY"... in short, she was aware... but unwilling to deal with her issues like an adult. She needs to take that leap

If i had to do it over again, part of me thinks I'd gamble on marriage. But, at the time, I didn't know what BPD was, and all I saw was a lifetime of her never being happy. Maybe the next guy won't care, allow the quick commitment, which forces her into working on herself, which in turn makes him the right guy. The next guy will need to be unafraid of discussing it with her, otherwise perhaps he gets fed up and cheats/leaves, as many of her ex's have. I know when I would bring up things, she would rage, so I just stopped bothering.

Don't know, but that's where I am at

[tim_tom]

BPDs can not get better without therapy.

I agree... so the trick is, how to get them there

[antjs]

BPDs can not get better without therapy.

I agree... so the trick is, how to get them there

"how to get them there" sounds controlling to me. they get there when they want to get there. our roles as care givers has ended when the r\s between us and them died. remember you can not save anyone. this is the hallmark of my lesson from this r\s.

[antjs]

and btw my therapist once told me that DBT is used to make the patient (BPD) able to control the mess in their life, to handle the emotions of abandonment and being cynical once they get up in their head. there is no cure. there is no way to stop these feelings from coming up in their head. BPDs willing to change and spend years in therapy end up with controlling their feelings or thoughts not changing them so basically there is no cure. they have to do it on their own and for long years in therapy with persistence.

i think finding someone to handle her if she does not get treated depends on her functionality. mine for example was 29 years old with 3 ex-fiancees, 1 ex-husband, 2 abortions and 3 ex-bfs. during the idealization phase she was victimizing herself saying that her home was not good for her so she married her husband. her husband was 50 years old (daddy). i said to myself "yeah she made a mistake marrying a guy her father's age just to escape her abusive home and she learned her mistake after her divorce." she kept telling me the stories about her last ex bf before me      and that i am the only she dated and was younger than her but it feels like i have the maturity of a 35 years old man (if i did i would have not been with you ). during devaluing i saw her last ex that she has been talking about and guess what ? his hair is white BAAAAAAM !


in conclusion they rarely learn from their mistakes. if they are low functional there is no way on earth to find someone to contain them.

[tim_tom]

"how to get them there" sounds controlling to me. they get there when they want to get there. our roles as care givers has ended when the r\s between us and them died. remember you can not save anyone. this is the hallmark of my lesson from this r\s.

Fair, but I prefer to think of it as wanting to help